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Nick tumbled about inside the cardinal’s stomach, the bird’s acids coating his body. It burned, it was dark, every time the bird moved he was tossed about, but the worst part had to be the smell. Like an odd mix of expired milk, compost, and a healthy mix of random bugs and worms.

            “Hey!” Nick shouted, a splash of the birds stomach acid finding a place within his mouth. He gagged, but soon continued with his useless rant. “Get me out!”

            He couldn’t see anything; witch was probably a good thing. Who knows what half-digested bugs could have been floating in the cardinal’s belly? Every once in a while a chunk of food would bump into him, causing him to jump as if it had been a monster trying to drag him down to the deepest pits of hell.

            Soon he realized that there was nothing that he could do about the situation. He sat down, leaning up against the walls of the bird’s stomach.

            “Guess there isn’t much I can do,” he thought to himself. He would usually have said it out loud, but he didn’t wish to swallow another mouthful of bird acid. The stuff tasted nasty.

             His waiting continued for a while. The bird hopped around cheerfully, pecking through masses of dirt and soil in search of more snacks to devour. It didn’t find any bugs, but seeds would do just as well.

            “Hugh,” the bird said, looking into the sky, the sun directly overhead. “Guess its time to get back. The kids will probably be hungry by now.”

            The cardinal jumped into the air, flying gracefully off to her home.

            It was not a long trip, nor was it eventful. The flight was the same as always, save for a badger chasing after two squirrels with a fury matched only by the ancient Huns of China.

            She soon landed on her nest, perched high in an old oak tree that had stubbornly refused to shed its leaves, even after the dense snow falls. As soon as she landed, she was greeted with a chorus of chirps and squeaks from her five babies.

            Whenever the mother bird was asked about her children, she would always say that they were beautiful little darlings. This was not the case. If you have ever seen a baby bird you will know that they look more like a naked mole rat that had been run over, pecked at by a vulture, then left in the sun for far to long, than anything resembling cute.

            The cardinal knew that her children were hungry from the moment she landed, their little heads bobbing in front of each others, all in a desperate attempt to be fed first.  

            “Ok, settle down.” She said as she leaned in. “There’s plenty for all of you.”

 

            Nick was growing quit comfortable in his new prison. The walls were wet and slimy, but it was warm. He had space to move around, nothing was crushing him, somehow he could breath, and he was even gifted with warmth you simply could not find during the winter.

            This was all ended, rather harshly, as the bird’s stomach contracted, forcing its contents back into her throat. The tiny fly fought back the erg to scream, knowing full well what would fill his mouth if he did. Up and up he was forced, until the light of day once again came into view.

            It was the most beautiful thing in the world after being trapped for so long in complete darkness. More beautiful than the U.S.A to an invading alien species, more desirable than an Oscar to Leonardo DiCaprio, and even more heavenly than a slice of cake to a 400 pound woman who had been on a diet for a whole three hours. He rushed towards it, finally being flung into the heavenly air.

For a second, all was right in the world. There was no war, no famine, no dead babies, all was perfect. Then everything came rushing into focus. He was being dropped into the mouth of a new predator!

            “No!” he screamed, flapping his acid drenched wings in desperation. Although he was unable to take off, he was able to adjust his coerce just enough to miss the baby’s mouth, bouncing off its body onto the nest below.

            He struggled to move, trying to get away from the horrific feeding frenzy around him. One of the babies kicked him, sending him carrying across the nest. Struggling to lift himself to his feet, the chicks scampering around him, pushing him back down to the ground each time one of them decided to walk over him.

            “Stop damn it!” he shouted after one of the chicks used him as a stepping stool to reach that much higher above the rest. He tried crawling again, working his way over to the side of the nest.

            Exhausted, he pulled himself to the edge of the thorny home, looking over at the five-story plunge to the ground. His wings were still wet, and there was little chance he could fly. He glanced back at the feeding frenzy.

            For a second, he was reminded of black Friday. People rushing around, stampeding like a herd of wild buffalo. He fondly recalled one year when he had stayed home and just watched videos about the chaos all day long. There was an old lady walking around, just looking for a deal. She saw something that she liked, walked over to the shelf, and reached for the item, the very last of its kind..

            At the moment her old fingers rapped around the box, another lady appeared out of nowhere, snatching the box with a blood curling yell similar to that of a Mongolian warlord. The old lady was not intimidated however. The second the other turned around, the old lady tackled her to the ground, screaming death slurs the likes of which shouldn’t even be spoken at a Satanist convention.

            The police showed up soon, only to be caught in the spectacle of a 70 year old grandma beating the living hell out of the other with her handbag. It took three of them to pry the two apart.

            The spectacle that was going on in front of Nick did not even compare to that of Black Friday, but it was close. This made the decision that much easier.

            He jumped, falling like a stone towards the ground below. “Hello ground!” he said happily moments before impact.

            Soon the fly woke up from his unconsciousness, completely unhurt. This immortality thing really had its up sides.

            “Ah,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Perfect landing, as always.” He flapped his wings once, and found that most of the bird puke had come off. At least now he could fly again.

            He briefly considered the idea of staying in the forest a while longer, but was quickly convinced otherwise when he heard the chirping of the baby birds above.

            “Screeeeeeeeewwwwwwww that,” he shouted as he flew away, back to the school. At least his hot classmates tortured him there.

            The old brick and mortar prison that Nick called a school soon came back into view, the trees fading away behind him.

            “Good riddance,” Nick said as he zoomed out. “But what now?”

Chapter End Notes:

Yay, no more lame puns!

 

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