“Dammit, just get up! Claire, do something!”
“Katie…he’s been unconscious since Tuesday, I don’t think he’s – ”
“Shut up and help!” Katie seethed, never taking her attention away from the tiny figure haphazardly breathing on her desk.
Claire quietly replied, “I’m sorry, it’s just that – ”
“This is your damn fault anyways! What’d you even do to him when he was in your nasty freaking shoe? Like, I bet you purposefully stomped the breath outta him, just so I wouldn’t get all the attention tonight! Well guess what bitch, you’re gonna get what you want!” Katie roughly poked Parker with her freshly-manicured fingertip.
Nervously brushing a thick strand of red hair from her eyes, Claire rebutted, “We’ve been over this! I did what you told me! God, I didn’t even want to put him in my damn shoe!”
“Newsflash, bitch! It’s Friday! Are you really gonna feed me your bullshit on my birthday?! Tell me, what am I supposed to do tonight?! I promised everyone a surprise!” Katie was nearing tears, for what seemed to be the millionth time that week.
“How many more times do I need to tell you, Katie! He’s in a coma – there’s no way of knowing when he’s gonna wake up.” Claire watched her fuming friend, who was poking and prodding the shrunken man as if he would magically resurrect at her touch.
“You’re useless, Claire! The event-planning staff is coming here at 6 to set up – that only gives me, like, three freaking hours! Fix this!” Katie finally lifted her gaze from Parker, choosing to focus on Claire, who backed away from Katie as if her stare would turn her to stone.
“I…I can’t, Katie. I’m really – ”
“Get your ass out of here!” Katie shouted, her voice so powerful that it carried through the entire house.
Claire hesitated for a split second, opened her mouth, and screamed. The sound of her voice doubled Katie’s.
“You know what, bitch? I hope he NEVER wakes up!”
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“Wakey wakey!”
“Mmmph…” Parker grunted, and rolled over in his bed. He half-consciously prayed that whoever was trying to wake him up would get the hint.
“Trust me baby, you’d rather have me wake you up in this one.”
No response. Like a stubborn teenager on his first day of school, Parker wasn’t getting up. He gave the pestering human alarm clock the silent treatment.
“Jesus Parker, I’m not you’re mother. Be a big boy and get yourself out of bed.”
Parker’s blanket was hastily ripped from the top of his formerly-slumbering form. Defiantly, he snatched his pillow and wrapped it around his head. He wasn’t giving an inch.
“Are you serious? I know being a footboy is hard work and all, but this is the last time we’re really going to be able to talk, you know. You have a big party to attend tonight, if I’m not mistaken!”
This nonsense-talking person was not going away. Lifting the pillow and opening his eyes, Parker started, “Listen, just give me five more – ” He immediately shut his mouth when he saw who was on the other side of the bed.
“You’re seriously still surprised when you see me? Parker, we’re practically married by now.”
Parker gulped, looking the Amazon up and down. By his count, this was the third hauntingly vivid dream of his that she’s appeared in. Whether or not it was an effect of the drug, she loved to cause havoc in his unconscious mind. First in his Valentine’s Day breakup, then in Patricia’s office. He noticed that while she was impossibly enormous in the breakup dream, and about 15 feet tall in her second appearance, she was back to her normal size here. Well, at least as normal could be for her. Parker figured her to be about six to seven feet tall; about the height she was when he first encountered her on the bus.
“What baby, do I look good? That kiss we shared in your boss’s office has you all hot and bothered? Did you figure it out yet?”
Parker sat up in his bed. He quickly scanned the room, checking his immediate surroundings. Bed, desk, lamp, rug. Innocent enough, right? But Parker knew better by now. Although waking up with a familiar feeling, this was not home. The walls were pink, and everything looked fake and shiny, like they had been bought at an Ikea clearance sale.
Having confronted an extraordinary amount of obstacles in the past week, Parker was overwhelmingly more confident since he had first met the Amazon. Actually, it was the most confidence he had since, well, ever. What was he going to do with his new power? He was going to demand answers.
“Alright, listen.”
“Ooh, you’re going to lecture me now, aren’t you? This is a nice change!”
“You won’t shut up about how this is ‘therapy,’ and how this is the best for the both of us, and how it’s all for a purpose, and…all other kinds of ambiguous shit. I get that you think you’re helping me in some sick, fucked-up kind of way, but you’re not. You got me this way in the first place, so you’re going to get me out…now.” Parker stood up, and assertively walked up to the Amazon.
“Wow! You’ve made quite some progress, little guy. Okay then, I’ll tell you what: answer one little question for me. If you answer correctly…” Seemingly from out of nowhere, the Amazon pulled a tiny plastic bag with two clear strips inside. She held it far above Parker’s head and continued, “Maybe you’ll end up with a couple inches on me.”
Although he was still about breast-level with the Amazon, Parker’s eyes met hers with the assuredness of a giant. He nodded.
“Did I really do this to you?”
Parker’s face instantly went from white to red. “Are you…Are you even serious right now?! You’re the one that fed me the damn drug and – ”
Suddenly, the entire room began to shake, as if several massive earthquakes had just hit the area. Parker immediately lost his balance and hit the ground, his face resting at the Amazon’s feet.
“Wrong answer, baby.” She looked out the window, raised an eyebrow, and let out a small laugh. “That’s my cue to leave. Something tells me you have some more issues to work out. See you soon, lover!” With the cheery goodbye, the Amazon strutted past the door, and disappeared out of sight.
“Wait! WAIT!” Parker desperately beckoned.
As the Amazon left, the tremors worsened. Alarmed and confused, Parker covered his head and readied himself for the impact of the house crashing down. He looked to his left, and saw the lamp fall off the bedside table. Instead of shattering into pieces, it landed with a small “plunk” and remained intact.
What the…
“PARKER, HONEY!”
Oh my god.
Parker bolted upright, and with the house rocking back and forth, sped past the door and frantically searched for the Amazon. He needed to wake up. Now. This dream was setting up to be a nightmare.
“WAKE UP SWEETIE, I NEED YOUR HELP!”
He raced into the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. What he saw was a familiar, yet very unfamiliar face. It was undoubtedly him, only he looked to be no more than 14 years old. A freshman in high school. He grabbed his face and began to hyperventilate. In a state of denial, Parker tried to run down the stairs, but ended up tripping and crashing against the living room wall as the quakes aggravated. What was in front of him confirmed his every fear.
A Barbie doll was discarded on the floor, shaken by the upheavals. Its head was right in front of his face. And it looked to be twice the size of him.
“PARKER?”
The front door flew open, revealing two meaty fingers, the outside light reflecting off their bright red nails.
Parker aggressively pinched himself in an attempt to wake up. No luck. His back still against the wall, Parker stammered, “M…Mom?”
“Hi honey! Come out please, I need your help with something!”
With every body part imaginable shaking, Parker stood up and followed the enlarged fingers out of the dollhouse door. Although the space in front of him looked like a vast frontier, it was undoubtedly his childhood bedroom. However, he was more concerned with the thick, unfairly oversized toes sticking out from what he recognized as his mother’s favorite pink slippers.
This can’t be happening.
“Can I pick you up real quick?” Parker’s mom boomed. Without waiting for a response, the same red-painted pillars pinched Parker and dropped them in her cavernous open palm. Parker meekly looked up at his mom, who looked less like 5’4 and more like 540 feet tall. As with everyone he encountered thus far, everything was magnified. His mom was no different. The streaks of red lipstick on her mouth, the normally unnoticeable clumps of mascara in her eyelashes, big brown eyes, curly brown hair, every detail forced itself on Parker. He peered off the edge of her palm, wondering which fate would be worse if he fell off: the hardwood floor or her voluptuous cleavage poking out of her white tee. The intense feelings of sheer terror and shock that he had come to know had drastically intensified, now that he was face to face with a gargantuan version of his own mother.
“How are you?! You sleep well?” Parker opened his mouth, but she had no intentions of listening to his response.
Wow, she still doesn’t listen to anything I say. Nothing’s changed; I’m just fucking bug-sized now. Just get me the hell out of this –
She interrupted, “Listen, your sister should be home from college for spring break in a few hours, I’m not exactly sure. So anyways, you know how I borrowed her earrings when I went out last weekend? I lost one of them. She’ll throw a fit if she knows I took them, let alone lost one. I know it’s here – but I’ve looked almost everywhere and I still can’t find it. Can you be a doll and get in places that I might’ve missed? I figured you’d be better at that, because…well, you know. I would help, but I have a few errands to run before Jessica comes back. Sound good?”
With Parker not being in a position to protest, figuring that he would wake up before his older sister and mom came back, and wanting to get away from the steady stream of coffee breath, he gave his mom a quick nod.
“Good! Thanks, sweetie!” The mountainous mother placed Parker back at her feet. She turned around, and walked away, the slaps of her slippers sending more mini-earthquakes through the surface of Parker’s bedroom.
Great. Well, I might as well walk around and look for the damn earring. I’ll check out the house for nostalgia’s sake, at least. Eventually, that damn Amazon has to come back and stomp me flat or make out with me again. Who the hell knows anymore?
Parker looked back at the dollhouse. Now that he was done fearing for his life, he was able to recognize it as his sister’s from when she was young. His family must’ve shoved him in there and came for him whenever they needed something done, almost like old times. Well, step-family. Parker was adopted at a very early age, and not much was shared with him besides that. It was something that he’d always wondered about, but was always a taboo subject in the household for some reason. Regardless, living in a household of two women with strong personalities didn’t exactly set up a strong foundation for Parker’s interactions with women later in life. So, he just kept his mouth shut and soldiered through it until he left for college. His home life during high school was miserable, however. Long story short: his mother and sister walked all over him. He now realized that they could do it literally. Parker was going to have to watch out for that.
With that harrowing thought, Parker started on the journey towards his bedroom door. After he walked past the door, he checked out each room of the house individually. Assuming he had a few hours to spare, he figured it couldn’t hurt to explore some old memories of the house he grew up in.
Not wanting to move down the immense stairs to the first floor, Parker kept his unconventional scavenger hunt to the top story of the house. There was nothing in the bathroom, which brought back memories of caking his face with acne treatment and taking quick showers as not to piss off his family. He moved onto the hallway closet, where he once hid when his sister found out he had accidentally broken her Gameboy. He let out a long sigh, his tumultuous childhood strangling his thoughts once again. Parker moved on, and guessing that his mom had already inspected her own room, he entered the last place on the floor: his sister’s room.
As he entered the overblown dream-version of his sister’s room, he took the opportunity to get his thoughts straight, or at least he tried to.
God, it’s nuts thinking about all this shit. I buried these memories far, far, away. I always suspected that it’s my mother and sister’s treatment of me that kind of led to the way I am now. That notion’s even clearer, now that I’m here with my adult mind. I need to start thinking about that party tonight, though. With the way that Amazon’s been acting lately, maybe it’ll be my shot to fix all of this and get back to my life. Hopefully Ava has something in mind to save me, at the very least. All I have to do is not piss off that brat Katie for another few hours, and hopefully I can work things out. Hell, if I ever even wake up from this nightmare.
As Parker’s thoughts rattled around the prison of his own head, he explored his sister’s room, doubtful that he would find the lost earring.
Jesus!
Parker smelled them before he saw them. Immediately to the right of the doorway were Jessica’s shoes, which were jumbled in an imposing mountain of footwear. Her room ever the pigsty, there were sandals, heels, cleats, flats, tennis shoes, boat shoes, ankle boots, knee boots, and probably even more that Parker guessed were swallowed by the colossal pile. He wasn’t about to go searching for an earring in a shoe-stack. So, he covered his nose and continued walking, wondering how these dreams were always so uncannily vivid.
Continuing around the bedroom’s perimeter, Parker dodged a variety of immobile foes that did nothing but remind him of his vulnerability, like the skyscraper that was Jessica’s office chair, and the billboard-sized Seventeen magazine featuring a huge picture of Ariana Grande. He dodged piles of clothes and several discarded beauty products. Furthermore, a cavalcade of dust clumps, a gym sock, and a left-open bottle of perfume all sent him into coughing fits.
Damn, dream-Jessica really needs to clean this place up. Hold up, is that what I think it is?
In the middle of the room – which he had not explored yet – was a shiny object, lost in the purple fibers of a small, circular rug.
Hell, maybe the Amazon will give me a piece of candy or something if I find the earring. Hmmph.
Parker briskly made his way to the rug, stepping his way through the tall fibers – about two feet tall to him – on his way to the shiny object.
This has to be it.
To Parker, the earring looked like three miniature golden chandeliers all strung together. Maybe he’d get a pat on the back from his mega-mom.
Great, now what do I do –
“MOM! COME HELP ME WITH MY BAGS! MOM?”
Shit fuck dammit fucking ass damn –
Parker should have known that this was going to happen. This was the Amazon’s playpen, after all. Of course he would have to encounter his gargantuan older sister. He stood frozen for a few moments. The sound of his sister’s cheap sandals smacking up the stairs shocked him out of his immobility.
Why why why fuck why why why –
“God, she told me that she would be home!” Jessica entered the doorway and puffed in annoyance, sending a few strands of her brown hair careening past her face. She continued, “Ugh, she must’ve taken the runt with her. Guess I have to unload the car by myself…No surprise there!” With that, Jessica roughly dropped her bags on the ground, sending them crashing below her tall frame. She sped off to grab the rest of her belongings, leaving Parker to fail at hiding from his goddess-sized sister, as he was stranded in the middle of the room. He managed to get off the purple carpet and back on the hardwood floor before she returned.
Jessica dropped the rest of her bags, and stood under the doorframe for a moment, as if she was contemplating what to do next. Arms folded, she walked forwards and surveyed her room, taking small, slow steps.
By this point, Parker had all but given up hope of escaping this dream intact. He squealed, “JESSICA! HEY!” But his mouse-like voice was lost in the expansive air of the room, leaving him to watch his sister’s footfalls as they inched closer and closer. Parker was awestruck he saw her unknowingly crush the dust clumps and bobby pins that he had just encountered mere minutes ago. There was no chance that he would leave this one alive.
“Hmmm, everything looks good...like mom didn’t touch my stuff again…” Jessica whispered to herself, nearing the center of the room.
Holy shit.
Looking like a lost tourist outside the Empire State Building, Parker blankly marveled at the sight in front of him. He gaped at Jessica’s hyperactive toes, which were aimlessly fighting for freedom from the thong of her black sandals. His gaze moved upwards, past her yoga pants, then to her sleeveless athletic top, finishing at her face, her plotting eyes noticing everything but her ant-sized brother.
“Wait! What’s that?!” Jessica’s eyes lit up and looked in Parker’s direction. She bent forwards for a closer look.
Shocked that his fortune may have finally shifted in his favor, Parker hysterically jumped up and down, yelling, “HERE!! JESSICA PLEASE!”
Her expression suddenly changed into that of surprise, and she exclaimed, “My earring! How did that even get there?! Ugh! Must’ve been mom!”
No no no no no –
Without warning, Jessica shifted her position to get a better look. All signs indicated to Parker that she was readying herself to sit down. He just didn’t want to believe it.
NO NO NO NO NO –
Parker’s view was suddenly and entirely full of the spandex of her yoga pants, which was pulling and stretching as Jessica curved to sit down. What looked like two worlds – each cheek of her bottom – were descending upon his infinitesimal existence. She wouldn’t even feel it.
“PLEASE! NO!” Parker pointlessly called.
She moved closer, and closer, and closer, until he could only see black.
“JESSICA!! PLEASE DON’T – ”
Closer, and closer, and closer, and –
Darkness. Lost. Gone.
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“Ah!! Thank god! You freaking runt, you scared the hell out of me!” Katie was ready to give Parker a big fat hug, if such a thing was possible at their disproportional sizes.
His body drenched with panicked perspiration, Parker bolted upright and started gasping for air, ignoring the delighted teenager.
“Hey! You see the time, tiny?” Katie sarcastically pointed to an invisible watch on her left forearm.
Struggling to catch his breath, Parker finally gave his attention to the billboard-sized stare of the massive girl in front of him. He choked out between heavy breaths, “I don’t…know…Friday?”
“Bingo, Mr. ‘Honey I Shrunk the Drug Addict!’” Katie mocked.
Still breathing heavily, Parker would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t on the verge of passing out again.
“…You have a little apologizing to do, since you’ve been sleeping for the past, like, three days! I expect you to be on your best behavior tonight.”
“Yeah…” Parker blindly called to the sassy high school senior, saying, “I…got it.”
“Good. Now, Rip Van Shrinkle,” Katie giggled at her own joke, saying, “we only have like, two hours to get ready for my big night. So we have to consolidate our time a little bit!”
“Al…Alright…” Parker replied, not sure what the hell she was talking about.
“Well, we like, both have to look our best tonight, right? That’s not too much of an issue for me, but you’re like, a walking piece of toe jam. And I’m not taking the time to clean you up in the sink, like you’re at a spa or something. I have to wash up, get dressed, and do my makeup too, you know!”
Parker knew – at least he hoped – that the end of his journey was near. His breathing settling, he responded, “What do you need me to do?”
Katie’s moved her head closer to the tattered man on her desk, her lips curling into a mischievous smile. Parker gulped.
“I’m taking a bath. And you’re coming with me.”