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Author's Chapter Notes:
AUGUST 31, 2006
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Hi, there! Remember me? Well, for newcomers and amnesiacs alike, I'm Jeff Manley. I used to be a stunt man/bodyguard; just a tad over six feet tall. Then, in February 2005, while picking up some extra money doing crowd security, for Day One of Gwen Stefani's new music video ("Hollaback Girl"), I got hit by some kind of chemical gunk.

An obsessed fan had meant it for Gwen, herself. But, I got in the way. And, as a result, I wound up shrinking down to six INCHES tall!

Eighteen months later, I'm now the ward of Jessica Simpson. And, the mixed blessing of my condition is that I'm getting all kinds of movie offers because of it. In the spring, I'll start principle shooting on HAREM NIGHTS. A fantasy swashbuckler in which I play an Arabian prince magically shrunken by Eddie Murphy (as the evil wizard Farouk Yusef)!

My agent, Irv Duncan, also tells me about this chain of clothing stores that would like to use me in a series of TV commercials. It seems I'd be playing a tuxedo-clad spokesman named (I swear, I'm not making this up) Tiny Mike Raffone.

I told him to keep that one at the bottom of his "Get Back To, Later" file.

On the downside, Jessica sometimes uses me as a recruiting tool for her own projects. For example: last December, she had mass-marketed a Christmas album that featured a duet with her sister Ashlee. Well, this year, she wanted to top that. So, she decided that this year's Christmas album would include another remake of Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby." This one, even better than Madonna's!

How did she plan to accomplish this? Ever hear of...the Pussycat Dolls?

That's right. The sexy singing group that ex-BAYWATCH girl Carmen Electra used to belong to. They would be among the performers at Radio City Music Hall, for this year's MTV Video Music Awards. And, Jessica was going to be presenting one of the awards for which they were a nominee!

You know; the one featuring them and hip-hop rapper Glory Hound in some airport hangar full of dangling chains.

Anyway; that's how I found myself wearing a doll-sized tuxedo that particular Friday night, as Jessica was guided to the limousine waiting for us at Kennedy International Airport. Well, to be honest; it was more like a Ken-doll tuxedo T-shirt and a pair of Ken-doll black slacks with matching loafers.

As for Jessica? She had gotten her hair cut-and-styled for the occasion. And, the only thing shorter than _that_ was the sleeveless black mini-dress she wore (with matching high-heels)!

A plainclothes security guard escorted us through the artists' entrance. En route, he told us that we would have to share a dressing room with one of the other performers until it was time for Jessica to be taken to the Green Room. And, that would be about ten minutes before the award for "Best Dance Video."

Imagine our mutual surprise when we found out that the other occupant in question was none other than...


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