Death, taxes and dickheads. Ned kicked a pebble down the footpath as he mused on the true extent of human stupidity and why when alcohol was added to the mix it became especially stupid. One moment in particular left a sour taste in his mouth.

“Is this, like, fresh mint?” She drawled on each word like she was unsure of what would come next. She and her friends hadn’t asked for mint, they demanded he remake each one, each and every one as the line grew behind them. All fifteen of them.

Customer service would be the death of him, but he had no idea what else he would do. It became somewhat of a habit to tell himself he would quit his job as soon as something worthwhile arose, something slightly more fulfilling than small talk and pouring drinks. Anything other than finishing a shift gross, tired and annoyed.

Across the road was a bricked four-storey apartment building, his girlfriend Laney lived on the third floor. She wouldn’t be home yet, it was only half past nine. As their relationship progressed, Laney declared that her apartment would be the designated place for them to hang out, both their workplaces were around the corner, it just makes sense she’d say.

Ned trudged the stairs and flicked the key and stepped into the musty haven. When he first started dating Laney, the mess that permeated her living space caused some minor frustrations and the occasional shiver down his spine when he got a pungent whiff of days old food and dishevelled clothes and shoes and socks stinking with stale sweat. She barely opened the windows to air the place out so her scent made itself home in the fibres in the couch and walls and he couldn’t remember the last time Laney had ever cleaned the place, embarrassingly he felt almost acclimatised to it at this point. With a begrudging sigh he paired her boots and thongs and placed them near the door, then leant over to pick up a few matching pairs of socks. He followed a trail of dirty panties and strewn jeans, picking up the clothing as he went until he was cradling her filth like a baby. Another sigh when he reached her room. From Laney’s laundry basket spilled an avalanche of unwashed clothing, flooding half the floor with her laundry. Her desk and bed were no exception, the back of her chair swallowed with layers of clothes. He wrinkled his nose at the heady acridity seeping from the mashup of clothing as if they’d been embedded in it for years, he tried to appreciate her stink, after all it had leftover traces of her presence and Laney was such a loveable presence. It was just a quirk of hers, he reasoned with himself. Half-heartedly, he added the laundry in his arms to the sea below.

Across the hall, he walked in the bathroom and cranked the shower on. He cleared his pockets and placed his keys, phone and wallet next to an out of commission razor and undressed. Warm water cleansed his skin of sweat and grease and he closed his eyes as it ran down his face.

The night settled in and Ned lounged on the tattered couch clean and refreshed, lazily watching YouTube while munching on fresh fries. He’d ordered dinner for the two of them. He sipped on his coke and moved an old sock from the coffee table to place it down. The jangle of keys stole his attention and he watched the door as it swung open. In came Laney donned in flared black jeans and a shirt that hugged her plump curves, her auburn hair tied in a bun and her face was flushed to match it.

“James can rot in fucking hell,” she announced.

Ned smirked. “Long day?”

“Not in the mood.” Laney huffed and threw her bag down and marched across the living room to plop herself on the couch across from Ned. “He’s just such a cunt.”

“What’d he do?”

“He put me on dishes for literally six fucking hours. Look at my hands!” She shoved her hands outstretched and they were red raw. “Can I have some by the way?” Laney pointed at his soda and he handed it over. She sucked on the straw until it was air and ice and burped in her mouth, leaning back to blow it away.

Ned knew her pain and decided to ignore the fact she finished his drink. “What a cunt.”

“I know right. I wanna kick his teeth in.”

“May as well. You hungry?”

Laney’s eyes glimmered as she hugged the bag of McDonalds, “God I fucking love you.” She unwrapped a cheeseburger and dug in while stuffing fries in her mouth. “Whadda we watching?”

“It’s this guy building zoos in this game, you like do it custom and stuff and you can add in all the little animals and plants, it’s called Planet Zoo. It’s pretty good. He just built this Capuchin monkey exhibit.”

“Cool.”

They watched the video for a little while, the narrator’s smooth voice over their content silent meal. Eventually, she slunk back against the couch and stretched her legs out, sneakily eyeing Ned with an emerging idea in her mind. Before placing her grease-covered vans in his lap, she pried her toe against the heel and let her shoes clatter to the ground. A gentle crescendo in the room as the sharp scent of overworked feet suffused itself with the insides of Ned’s nostrils. Her thick white crew socks brimmed yellow and her foot funk filled the air, her pudgy toes flexed and cracked their joints in his face. Her soles baked like warm coals. She placed her feet in his lap and crossed her right over her left, wagging it toward his face. Finally, he looked at her.

“You know I had to stand up all day today.”

“I can tell.”

“They’re not thaaat bad.” Laney rolled her eyes and clenched her toes together, she felt the damp cloth bunched between them.

Ned knew what she wanted him to do, it was becoming a routine at this point. She’d come home from a shift all shitty and act coy while placing her feet in his lap. He could feel how moist they were without even touching them and he’d just showered. Her toes splayed and he swore the stink got worse.

“You want a massage.”

Laney tapped Ned’s cheek with her big toe.

“Clever boy.”

“I mean, they’re really bad Laney.” He batted her foot away.

“What did you expect? They’re fresh off a twelve hour shift.”

“There’s this crazy thing called a shower.”

“Pleeeease.” She resorted to a whine.

“Fine. But only because I feel bad for you.” Ned turned to face her and tucked his knees so her feet happily danced in his lap. Not making the same mistake as last time by taking her socks off.

“Don’t act like you don’t love it.” Laney giggled and rose her feet to his face, minus the fun in making her boyfriend give her a foot massage she really was looking forward to feeling him dig out those tender sore spots, it had been a long shift and she loved how her puffy feet fit in his hands, the little round nubs of her toes gleefully waved at him.

Ned wrapped his hands around them and his thumbs sunk into her arches. The woollen socks were damp and grimy sweat clung to his fingers, they were a sodden dark grey around her heel, ball and toes and lint riddled them like parasites. Slowly he pressed into her meaty flesh and she smiled and closed her eyes, leaning against the backrest and turning her attention back to the TV. The heady stink radiated from her soles to his face and further added to the musty room. She didn’t mind the smell of her own feet, so why should he? They added a pleasant hum to the room, furthering the warm and cosy atmosphere.

It wasn’t long before she dozed off, the background noise of YouTube and Ned’s loving hands kneading out her stresses. Ned lowered her feet and smelled his hands, recoiling at the post-work funk stuck to his fingers. He watched her for a few moments as cute snores snorted out her mouth then got up and leant over her.

“Laney,” he nudged her. “Bed time?”

She only groaned in response.

“Come on.” Ned reached under her and cradled her body to his, her head lolled back as she let herself be dead weight. She felt heavier than usual he thought.

“Mmmm.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in the crook of his neck as he walked them to her bedroom. Ned flicked the lights off on the way and gently lowered her into bed. She rolled over and beckoned him over.

With his clothes removed he slid into bed and Laney immediately snuggled up to him and wrapped herself around him. Planting delicate kisses on his chest as she lovingly cooed and he reciprocated.

She stunk sure, but she was hard not to love.

The next morning, Ned blinked the crust out his eyes as sunlight raked through the blinds. Laney drooled across his chest and he watched her rise and fall between breaths. She shuddered and snorted and her eyes fluttered open and a smile blossomed on both their faces as they stared in each other’s eyes. They lay there exchanging their morning pleasantries and cuddling for a little while longer. Though as one thing led to another and Laney moved her thick thigh right over Ned’s crotch and felt his burgeoning erection, the tone shifted.

Laney scratched his cheek and caressed him before pulling him into a kiss, massaging her thigh over his dick. He moaned in her mouth and grabbed her plump ass and squeezed it, his fingers sunk into her soft, meaty flesh. She rolled on top of him and flanked her hands on either side of his head and arched her back to boast her heavy breasts in his face, tantalisingly she swayed them back and forth and he squeezed her ass again. Leaning in close and enveloping his head in her tits, her unwashed miasma fogged up his lungs.

Even buried deep between her tits his hands never let up in their fondling of her ass and she wobbled it from side to side, his dick standing further erect at the weight bouncing around in his grip. Finally Laney released him from her tit prison and he breathed a deep breath of untainted air. His eyes frantically darting between each boob, large enough to warrant a slight turn of his head to fully take them in, then her arms soft but thick too and up her silky skin to a tuft of hair peeking out her armpit.

A smirk crept up Laney’s cheek as she caught him looking. “Yah!” She rose her arm and crammed his nose deep in her armpit, giggling as he started to writhe beneath her sputtering on the slick hairs. She spat in her free hand and tiptoed her way down to his hard cock and she started to stroke it, his eyes already bugging out as they were, grew even wider.

With the taste of body odour dry on his tongue and wet on his lips Ned pushed her off and licked them and greedily started pulling down Laney’s panties, slow over the curve of her ass but then snapped over the curvature and made her butt wobble. She giggled and jiggled it before gasping as she slid down his length. He ran his hands over her cheeks and down her chunky thighs, rolling his eyes back and biting his lip as the pleasure was immediately gratifying.

“Fuck.” Laney muttered, panting as she bounced up and down, her fat ass audibly slapping against his legs and their sex infused scent overcame the room. Sweat broke across their forehead from the exertion and too without their knowledge it was shaping up to be a hot and humid day. She continued to hammer down, faster and faster, the bed head repeatedly smacking the wall and the frame creaking from their sex-fuelled savagery, their hands groping and their mouths interlocked as they moaned to each other until it was white and they climaxed. And it was bliss.

Laney’s head flopped against Ned’s chest as his dick popped from her pussy, slick with a combination of juices. She rolled off him and they lay there panting.

“That was great,” he said.

“Yeah,” she was out of breath but couldn’t agree more.

He reached to the bedside table and grabbed a few tissues and began to clean the mess adhered to his cock and handed a few to Laney so she could stop the landslide from spilling out.

“Are you working today?”

“Not ‘til two.” She rolled her face into the pillow and looked to doze off again.

While Ned was happy to put up with Laney’s stick he felt slimy and needed another shower. Grabbing her sopped tissue and his cast aside underwear he walked to the bathroom and flushed the tissues down the toilet then turned the shower on.

After stepping out and drying his hair Ned stared at himself in the mirror and a strange thought occurred to him.

What exactly was it?

Everything just looked a little off. Like, there had been a very slight change in perspective, he stepped back and gazed down at his body. The sink normally sat right beneath his hip, yet now it was above his belly button.

Huh.

It was one of those things where you can’t think of a single logical explanation so you just accept it and try to move on hoping you’ll never have to think about it again. Ned shook his head and stepped into his underwear and pulled them up. And they fell down around his thighs. Confused as ever, he pulled them up again and saw how loose the waistband was, they looked a few sizes too large.

“Laney!” He shouted and waddled back to her room, holding the band of his boxers so they didn’t slip down. “Hey!” She was laying on her side, her big naked ass facing him.  

“What?” She croaked.

“I don’t know. I just, I dunno know. Did you change the height of your sink?”

“What?”

“The height of the sink is different.”

Finally, he caught her attention and she rolled over to face him, suspiciously eyeing him up and down. “Are you having a stroke?”

“N-no! Look.” He stammered and stretched his waistband out to prove another strange point. “My undies are too big and they fit fine yesterday.”

Laney shuffled across the bed and sat before him in disbelief. He was right, she’d never seen him with a pair this large but they were still undeniably his, they even had that little splash of paint on them.

After a few moments of the brain cogs turning and a few bewildered glances Ned’s brow furrowed. “Am I fucking shrinking?”

“C’mon. That’s ridiculous,” Laney automatically changed to damage control, trying to brush aside such an absurd suggestion, there had to be a reason. She stood up and their eyes almost met. Ned had always been a few good inches taller than her and now she only had to slightly look up at him.

“Maybe I had a growth spurt?” She tried to offer.

“Fucking hell, I’m shrinking.”