Chapter 5: Aliens

“First a meteor from space, now an invasion?”, said Kyo.

“You moron!”, said Mr. Shigoto. “When it’s in space it’s a meteoroid not-Urgk!!!”

Kyo gave the comparatively doll-sized man a bit more of a squeeze. The sound of his bones creaking shut him up for the moment.

“Ha!”, said Kyo. “You’re like one of those dolls that talk when you squeeze, except the exact opposite.”

The middle-age man caught his breath while Kyo savored his suffering with a smug look. She had to look elsewhere, sadly, as that flying saucer was quickly hovering her way.

The silver craft quickly zipped to Kyo’s front. There, it hovered, with the three yellow lights below it rotating about.

The 50ft woman could make out a gray-skinned being inside the saucer with a big head and big black eyes. He had on a silver suit that reminded her of tinfoil in both texture and color, though his hands were glove-less, so she could see he had no fingernails, which she idly thought was kind of weird.

‘Maybe it’d be weirder if he did have them though?’, she thought as a second thought.

In any case, she found him almost cute. Very similar to those Grey aliens from movies and other pop culture junk she had consumed.

“Greetings Earthlings!” came his hi-pitched, squeaky voice. The craft conveyed it with perfect clarity to her through some unseen speaker system.

“Uh hi.”, said Kyo.

Several long metal limbs shot out from some ports on the spaceship. They stretched towards the parts of Mr. Shigoto that stuck out of the top of Kyo’s grip. One of them was scanning his face with some wavy blue light, and the one limb had shears at the end which took a sample of his hair that was vacuumed up.

“Hey, quit it ya bald space goobers!” yelled Mr. Shigoto.

Kyo also spoke up.

“Yeah, uh, nice to meet you I guess Mr. Alien, but we’re a bit busy at the moment and-”

The saucer pulled those limbs out and two more extended. One of which cut Mr. Shigoto’s head right off, while the other limb caught it in its bin-shaped end. The limbs retreated back into the craft as blood spurted from Mr. Shigoto’s head like a short sad fountain.

“Hey, you decapitated him! I was gonna do that!!! What the heck?!?”, said Kyo.

She let go of the now dead ex-boss, and his decapitated body fell to the ground near her toes.

The craft made a few bleeps and bloops. Some myriad lights flashed green and a few other happier colors before the lights blinked red with a big buzz sound. The bottom of the craft opened up and ejected Mr. Shigoto’s severed head, which fell almost 50ft to the ground and smashed like a pumpkin without much filling.

The craft’s colors and noises settled back down. Kyo leaned in and yelled.

“Hey! Why did you do that? Aren’t you here for the meteor that crashed or something?”

“Meteor?”, said the alien. “If it crashed into the planet then it’d be a-”

“Meteorite, yes, I know. Whatever. Is that why you’re here?”

“Oh no we don’t know anything about that.”

“Then what are you doing decapitating people?!? Conquering Earth?”

“The planet?”

The alien started laughing a weird alien laugh.

“Guhuhu. No we don’t want that junk! Green-blue worlds are a zlorp a dozen as they say. No, you see, we are an acquisition mission. We are searching the galaxy for the sapient with the smoothest brain to add to the Klepdarian Intergalactic Curiosity Museum’s brain collection. Humans seem to be the prime candidate.”

“Wait, what? I mean if you want smooth brains I read that koalas are-”

“No, they must be from sapients, not sentients. Sapients are creatures intelligent enough to communicate and even form complex societies. Mere sentience is not enough.”

Kyo cocked an eyebrow.

“So you are saying you’re harvesting brains from the planet’s dominant species then?”

“Ideally yes, but our ships are not waterproof so we can’t get to the dolphins. We have to settle on you human earthlings. Extensive probings and decapitations have determined that you are our best bet thus far.”

“Doesn’t that mean you’re gonna be decapitating everyone on Earth-”

The saucer hovered a bit higher, and the alien within squinted discerningly.

“It would appear you aren’t like the other human earthlings. You are much larger, and thus probably stupider.”

Kyo crossed her arms in indignation and huffed, fogging the saucer craft window with her breath before the wipers kicked in. Meanwhile, he was typing away at the ship console.

“Yes this is interesting. Thanks to your planet’s internet encyclopedias, we have already determined your kind are called “Homo Sapiens” but there doesn’t seem to be a record of your particular sub-species.”

“Well that’s cause I am a normal human I just happened to-”

“Which means it falls to me, Klepdarian-378 to dub your particular species here. Do not worry, for cultural sensitivity purposes, we will use your planet’s zoology nomenclature for the scientific name. Let’s see here, you are definitely human in appearance, but also gigantic. How about ‘Gigantic Homo’?”

“What?!?!?” Said Kyo. She uncrossed her arms and scowled.

“No no that is needlessly complex. Big Homo is better.”

“Excuse you, do not refer to me as-”

The gray Grey alien hit some buttons on his terminal than talked into a microphone that popped out of the cockpit.

“Hello, mothership. This is Klepdarian-378. I have just discovered a ‘Big Homo’ and it could be the stupidest sapient we found yet.”

Kyo stomped her foot, rattling some cars and finally getting the alien’s attention.

“Don’t call me that!”

The alien seemed confused.

“Is there something wrong with being Big Homo?”, he asked.

“Yes! Well, no, I mean I can enjoy other women myself, but it’s more that the term and the way you are using it has-”

“Good I am happy to hear. Now, please tilt your head back and widen your nostrils. I will need a sample of your brain, 100% of it to be precise.”

The flying saucer extended a slew of limbs with all sorts of attachments on the end. There were shears, robot hands, a claw, even one with an active vacuum attachment on the end of it complete with an annoying vacuum noise.

“You are not taking my brain!”, said Kyo.

“I only need the one. If you have a second brain somewhere in your body, then this process will be far from fatal I assure you.”

The saucer tilted Kyo’s way and started flying in.

“Enough!!!”

Kyo reached out and grabbed it. The limbs of the craft flailed harmlessly near her nose for a bit. The ship sparked in her grip a moment before she spiked the craft into the ground.

The alien typed furiously on his console as the saucer sputtered.

“Mothership come in. Beware the Big Homo I repeat beware-”

Kyo stomped down hard on the saucer. It sparked and buzzed beneath her left foot, red lights blaring. The cockpit cracked easily. The alien’s last look was at the bottom of her foot.

Kyo leaned forward, twisting her foot to pancake the alien spaceship, which wasn’t too hard since its shape was pretty close to pancake already.

The giant green-eyed woman breathed out a sigh. She looked to the sky to check on the slew of other flying saucers about the city. While she was having her close encounter of the flattened kind, the other aliens were hard at work sucking people into tractor beams or scooping them up with net attachments.

“Can’t I just get on with my rampage here?”, she mused. “I still gotta find that bastard Ken too. Slimeball...”

Kyo didn’t get to watch the saucers work for long. Shortly after she spoke, they all started flashing red lights and buzzing. The large hovering silver mothership blared out a noise that sounded like a shipping boat’s horn. It was loud enough for Kyo to cover her ears.

“Keep your distance. Alert to all units. Threat detected!”, it blared out alongside its clangor.

Kyo took a good look at the mothership. It was about as big as her, roughly 50 cubic feet though it wasn’t actually a cube. It was more of a rectangle really, though its shape was more like a large boat, only it wasn’t much flatter at the back than the front.

While the saucers retreated to a safer distance, the mothership was descending from its lofty position hovering above the Tokyo tower tops towards the far end of the street.

As it closed in on the ground, the entire rectangular ship started shifting! Bits of its plating and chunks of its form started sliding around. Thinner, though still thick rectangles popped out to its sides and bottoms, jointed at points. Kyo saw the ends extend into metal hands and feet. The exterior metal also changed colors to be more, well, colorful and thus better highlight the parts it was transforming out.

Atop the ship, a rectangular cockpit formed with a visor-like pane of glass. Kyo could squint to see a fancier dressed gray alien inside, along with some other people working other terminals. He seemed to place his hands on control sticks though.

The alien captain pulled a microphone down from the cockpit roof towards his face.

“Do not be alarmed fellow Klepdarians. Leave this Big Homo to me.”

Kyo was flabbergasted.

“Is that a...”