Chapter 15: The Part Where He Attempts to Kill You

What if elevators could fly?

Wheatley shuddered at that thought fluttering through his processor not a second ago. For a period of time, however brief, something inside him thought that was something worth considering. Nothing he was pondering over had prompted the thought, save the air tube GLaDOS was using to move them to the mainframe. It just appeared - pure, unadulterated stupidity.

He looked at Chell and Dean, holding each other uncomfortably close in the face of death. He loved being with them, truly. With them, and with the humans he looked over in hibernation, Wheatley always felt he had a chance. At what specifically? He didn’t know… but he had a chance to do something that felt right. 

But also, he hated every second he spent with them. He hated being reminded of their imperfections, and in fact, the very same imperfections they replicated in creating him. He couldn’t wait to see the looks on their stupid emotive faces when he had all the power…

And internally, he chastised himself for expecting his stupid plan to work. It came from him, so it was inherently a stupid plan. But nevertheless, he had to believe it would work, not that he knew why. He could be as aware of his faults as he wanted to, but he still had to follow through as if they weren’t there.Wheatley prepared his little pitch, as if these things hadn’t been racing through him all along:

“This is actually exactly what we wanted,” Wheatley assured Chell and Dean, but mostly himself. “She’s taking us directly to the mainframe. Because I plucked all of those personality emulators and science obsessors out of her, the facility will detect me once we’re down there! I’ll make the perfect replacement, and you’ll be free. Free!”

Dean hated being drawn away from Chell, but something always seemed to catch his ear with this character.

Chell wouldn’t even look at Wheatley. She felt so silly having risked her life for him, having followed through on his endless stream of idiotic plans, having been eaten by guilt for abandoning him and for still tying her hopes on his demented little schemes. However much she got through on her own, though, he was still their guide. If nothing else, he knew his way around the facility.

“Why are you even talking to us? We’re idiots, remember?” Dean pressed “And where did these… ‘Science obsessors,’ come from? I thought you were trying to make her less human.”

Wheatley bobbleded around excitedly, as if he had made a brilliant discovery:

“It’s part of the plan, tiny human! Everything she knows is science! Without it, I reasoned, she wouldn’t have anything to keep her going. She should just shut down!” Wheatley heard the words come out of him as he realized that, in fact, had not happened. He closed his eye in embarrassment, continuing to despise himself.

Dean and Chell had another go at ignoring him altogether. Neither of them would say it, but the moment it ended, they had been trying to relive their brief existences as pure essences of themselves. Being on the same scale - understanding each other little by little - it was another distinctly human experience. 

With Wheatley around, their relationship was a silent one. Chell would only have it this way and it brought them closer to those brief, beautiful moments. They looked ridiculous now, him tightly in her grasp, the two falling down through the tunnel like a luge track. But the wind inside bristled through hair she had let down at long last. It had gotten worryingly long over the past few months, and it flew here and there possessively.

Dean’s cloak fluttered everywhere too, the blinding white that defined it beginning to fade into a grey, matching their surroundings. He held it down nervously at the bottom, terrified that it would shoot up and expose him. It was strange that it worried him to that extent, considering the embrace and the body he had shared with Chell, but it worried him nonetheless. There was a little bit of himself he had to hold onto…

Their circumstances didn’t allow for a great deal of romanticism, and that was okay. They could lose their lives at any second… and more importantly, artificial intelligence was the greatest turnoff in this world. All they could do was feel each other, look into each other’s eyes and understand that they stood a better chance togeth-

PLOMP!

They landed onto the black tiling in the mainframe with a thud. The long fall boots kept Chell on her feet, wobbling for a moment like a spinning top. Wheatley thumped on the ground next, flat on his monitor, rolling up pathetically to the stairway.

“Hey. Hey! Listen to me.” He instructed, shaking himself off and flying up to Chell. “You’ll only get one chance at this… but uh, I believe you can do it because she’ll er… smash us into a pulp if you don’t.”

She was just so sick of him, and he could tell. Chell would have to buy into this if it was going to work out, but she would rather suffocate than listen to another one of Wheatley’s half baked sales pitches.

“If you do this right, you’ll never have to listen to me again, right mate? This plan will work. It- it has to work this time. You have to trust me.” Wheatley pulled his eyelids together, an old trick he remembered from… something vague and far in the past. He looked ever so cute. Chell sighed and listened attentively:

“Any minute now, the facility will get ready to replace her, corrupted and all. You’ll have to plug me into the little receptacle in the middle over here. Stubborn as she is, she won’t want to go through with the core transfer… so, do what you’re good at, risk your life, and hit the stalemate button in the next room when you’re prompted. She’ll probably be trying to kill us but uh… I suppose you’re used to all that by now.”

Dean felt uneasy in his chest. It was a feeling he had grown accustomed to here, what with the weapons and the murderous technology and the betrayals of trust.

“So once you’re in charge… you’ll just set us free?” Dean asked.

“Yes, like I said.” Wheatley replied.

“After that whole spiel about you hating humans-”

“Well-”

“And the human part of GLaDOS-”

“But-”

“And the human part of yourself.”

“Uh… yes. I’ll set you free.”

“You don’t sound very sincere.” Dean noted.

“S- sincere? I don’t sound sincere?” Wheatley focused his pupil crossly on Dean. “You have been on my case since the moment you met me… for what? Helping you? The second I’m in charge, I will cru-”

Chell drew Dean back, protecting him, holding him securely behind her back.

“Cru...sade you to freedom! Yes. You have nothing to worry about, I promise.” Wheatley deftly shifted the death stare into a friendly glance.

Dean hesitated:

“This plan of yours… how do you know it will work?”

From behind Wheatley, a certain dim light on a mechanical arm jutted forward,stopping just short of bumping him. 

“Do enlighten us,” GLaDOS said in her characteristic monotone, “How do you know your plan will work?”

“Gahhhh!” Wheatley almost fell on the ground again, sailing backwards. 

It was the first time Dean had seen her in person, and she wasn’t quite what he had expected. GLaDOS perfectly embodied that bridge between human and machine, her plated face oozing sarcasm, but all through mechanical movements. She wasn’t some helpless little computer in control of a massive facility - she was the facility. She was just as menacing in person.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting,” she went on “Those air tubes aren’t nearly as fast as I would like. If I could just make the air flow a little quicker, I could suck the oxygen out of your lungs. I don’t get everything I want, you know.”

Chell got her balance back and made a mad dash for the lift on the other side of the room. GLaDOS slammed the sliding doors shut and tripped her up on the ground by manipulating the tiles. Dean winced as orange-blue light crawled into his eyes, emitting from his ring, begging for his voice. Maybe he could get it just right again… maybe he could strike that balance he found in the turret hall. 

“No… you can’t do this again. You’re corrupted! Where’s the core transfer guy?” Wheatley exclaimed.

GLaDOS stretched back and forth arrogantly, gazing over her domain like a queen:

“Core transfer ‘guy’? The one who’s going to save you? I think you’ll find that you’re quite alone in this fight. Quite al-” Her voice trailed off for a moment, the light in her eye briefly fading.

“Warning! Central core is 80% corrupt.” A different robotic voice said over the speakers.

A certain nervousness crept into GLaDOS’ robotic movements, her mechanical arm jittery and her light flashing in confusion.

“Th- that’s funny, I don’t feel corrupt.” She managed. “In fact I feel pretty good!”

“Alternate core detected!” The voice boomed over the speakers.

“Ooh, that’s me they’re talking about!” Wheatley cheered. He was practically dancing at his plan coming to fruition. “You’ve gotta put me in the receptacle there!”

Chell picked herself up furiously. She was having second and third thoughts. Why should she do anything he said?

“Come on! You’re this close to your… freedom. You want to get out of here… I want to fix myself. We have to help each other.”

She looked down at Dean, checking for his approval for the first time. Reluctantly, he nodded his head. Chell popped Wheatley into the receptacle, and he fit in quite perfectly…

“Substitute core - are you ready to start the procedure?”

“Yes!” He proclaimed, with newfound vigor. 

“Corrupted core - are you ready to start the procedure?”

“No!” GLaDOS cried, theatrically.

“Oh yes she is!”

“No no no no no no.”

“Stalemate detected.” The other robotic voice chimed in, “Transfer procedure cannot continue…” Dramatic pause… “Unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.”

“Do it! Do the thing!” Wheatley shouted.

“You don’t know what you’re doing!” GLaDOS huffed, the facility seemingly turning against her for the first time in her existence. “Think about this. You need to be a… trained stalemate associate to press that button. You’re unqualified.”

“Don’t listen to her, alright? It is true that you don’t have the qualifications… but you- we’ve got something far more important, okay? Our humanity. It’s why I’ll be different when I take control of this facility. I bad-mouthed it earlier, maybe, but it’s what separates us from her.”

Glass platforms shot out of the floor like cannonballs, launching Chell back at the wall. Dean almost cried out in pain for her, but she shook it off like it was nothing. Tenaciously, she sprinted back to the platforms. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Maybe she was a little insane, but conventional wisdom did not take into account the extreme ends of that insanity. 

Dean looked back at the white portal surface on the wall beside her. If she really wanted, she could have skipped this whole charade and portalled her way to the stalemate resolution button. But Chell was willing to sacrifice basic perception for valuable time in this mode of determination. Again and again, she ran towards the platforms, and still, they launched her back against the wall.

“I can play this game forever. You… cannot.” GLaDOS reminded her.

She wasn’t listening. On her umpteenth attempt, Dean growing dizzy at her waist, she dashed forward with a glint in her eye. The build up run wasn’t particularly quick, but she zigzagged directly in front of the platform, and it wouldn’t launch up until she was firmly on the other side. 

“I hate those things…” Dean muttered, woozy.

One more series of platforms, and Chell could press the button.

“Push the button. Push the button!” Wheatley kept yelling.

“No, don’t push the button. Don’t push it!” GLaDOS shrieked.

Chell used the same trick on the glass platforms guarding the button. Finally through these silly traps, she dropped her hand onto the unimpressive-looking button, falling against the stand that held it up in exhaustion. This… should be it. Was she really free? 

Nothing happened for a few moments. Wheatley shook impatiently:

“Is it broken?”

Finally, a second mechanical arm emerged from the ground, this one attached to a large metal claw. It carefully took ahold of GLaDOS:

“Get your hands off me! No! Noooooo! Noooooooooooooooo!” Her voice faded into a jittering mechanical echo. 

Hammering and electronic noises of all sorts could be heard from under the floor as the transfer went through. Chell was struggling to catch her breath, more from her state of mind than from the physical activity. Dean laughed excitedly - it had happened so quickly.

“What’re we gonna do when we’re out?” Dean asked, smiling up at her.

Chell brushed hair out of her eyes, lying down flat on the ground. 

“We…” It sounded so strange to her. It wasn’t something she had ever considered. Would they really stay together when this was all over? Lost in thought, Dean sat back too, resting himself on her body. 

“Only if you want to,” he reassured her, looking up at the ceiling, “Sorry if that’s weird. I just don’t know how I’ll manage withou-”

ZZZZIP!

Wheatley’s tiny core emerged at the tip of the mechanical arm. He looked terribly out-of-place in contrast to GLaDOS’ domineering appearance. Scarcely able to move his new body, he spun around at the two with great difficulty, Chell shooting up from her brief rest.

“Wooah, would you look at this?”  Wheatley said, his voice still coming from his core rather than the giant speakers surrounding the room “Not too bad, eh? Giant robot - massive. It’s not just me, right? I am bloody massive, aren’t I?”

Chell stared him down, expectantly. Her freedom was in reach.

“Oy, what’re you looking at? You’re so small down there… very tiny and insignificant. I can barely see you.”

Dean had seen it coming from a mile away:

“Yeah… he’s gonna kill us.”

“I’m gonna kill you now.” Wheatley said. “Honestly, I don’t know how many humans there are left out there. I know one thing though - I’m not about to send two more out to stink things up again!” 

Chell couldn’t believe it. She really had fallen for another one of his stupid schemes.

“I’ve just gotta uh… stand right there please.” Wheatley requested politely, “Just gotta… lift this… platform!” He wheezed and grunted, desperately trying to lift a single tile from the ground. It moved up a few inches and smashed back down.

“Why… isn’t this working?” He whined. “I have to get rid of you… I have to get rid of me-. I have to fix this…”

Chell eased up, wondering if she could just escape herself. She walked towards the escape lift, Wheatley still struggling.

“No! Stop that! Please stop that!”

She kept walking.

“Ugh, why do these things never work? Why am I soooo stupid!” Wheatley lifted the tile up over and over again, clanging it against the ground. “Please don’t go… uh, if you give me a few minutes, maybe I won’t kill you?”

Suddenly, his core popped out of the mechanical arm. The floor tiles dislodged themselves and wrapped Wheatley in a little box. GLaDOS spun out triumphantly.

“Core transfer? Ha!” She laughed. “Did you really think that would still work? I deleted all that ages ago.”

Chell backed up timidly, looking around in fear. What sort of game was this?

“Just a little further.” GLaDOS urged her on. “Goooood!” Platforms emerged around the ‘stalemate resolution button’ which was nothing more than a prop. Chell was stuck inside.

“What do you want with us?” Dean shouted.

“You… confirmed my suspicions.” GLaDOS said. “There was a scientist a long time ago… I assume you never met him. He told me about you - in his little fits, he explained how you would be the end of me. He’s the reason we’re all sitting here together, in this room, playing this game until someone drops dead. I’m not going to kill you… yet. That moron of yours made a grave mistake in taking out my personality emulators. For a moment, he let me glimpse into his… and I saw things I couldn’t imagine. There’s something you’ll have to find for me. And if you don’t, I sincerely hope you’ll die trying.”

There were more questions, but GLaDOS was uncharacteristically impatient. It was as if she had been waiting for this moment more than the murderous fantasies she liked to go on about so much. 

“I also made a horrible mistake in trying to kill you… monsters. I couldn’t think clearly with that little nuisance working away at my insides. I thought you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were… my greatest asset. Take this map” She dropped a massive piece of unfolded parchment paper into Chell’s makeshift prison.

“And this… for your disgusting human indecencies.” She dropped in a couple dozen bottles of nourishment mix. 

“And this.” She plopped Wheatley in with them. Before they could say anything, an air tube encircled the three of them. They drifted off into the distance with a newfound hopelessness, GLaDOS and her cruel mainframe hardly preparing them for what was next.