I'm proud to say that I'm a thief. That's right, a robber. Crook. Highwayman. I steal things, that's my job. And I don't even do it for other people. I work for myself, and always will. And I'm damn good at my job, too. The best. There isn't a man alive who can be in and out of a merchant's caravan as fast as I can with as much loot as I get. Why, you ask? Well, it's simple.
I'm only about a meter tall.
I don't know why, and to me, the reason doesn't matter. All l know is, the people I rob have a hella hard time noticing me sneak past them. That, and that sex is a wild ride for me. Oh, and contrary to popular belief, being small lets me carry a much larger proportion of mass relative to myself than those people of regular size. And by mass, I usually mean loot. All of the loot. That I robbed. Because I'm a crook.
That said, I go through my money pretty quickly after I pawn off my stolen goods. I have a bit of a gambling addiction. And a drinking addiction. And a sex addiction. Regardless of the reason at any particular time, I'm usually in need of a bit of cash, and so I’m always keeping an eye out for a good target to rob. That's why when I saw this large caravan pass through the city three days ago, I knew I was in luck. I waited a couple of days for them to get far off into the desert, nice and isolated, before I hopped on my pony to give chase. Today is going to be a day of burglary.
The caravan is camped along a well-traveled desert road, with a few tents set up and the camels unhitched for the day; they travel at night and sleep in the day to avoid the blistering heat. The trusty pony I took here is waiting behind a few rocks not far away while I scout the scene. He's not tied up because if I need to make a quick escape I want to be able to whistle for him. The wagons are carelessly left scattered about the rocky plain, making each individual target easy pickings. There's a few men awake and talking in these daylight hours but no formal guards, by the looks of it. I don't even care that I'm working in broad daylight, this is a golden opportunity.
I easily climb up into my first target, an outlying wagon, and do some scoping. There's a box right inside the door, with a loose lid that I carefully lift off. Spices, good stuff. Not as valuable here as they are further down this trade route, but still worth it. You can get hella high off these things if you go huffing them.
While I'm rummaging through the contents of the haphazardly open crate, I hear a loud snore from in front of me. There's someone here. Looks like the dude who owns this wagon is sprawled out the floor in front of me. Oh, there's a prostitute with him. Must have picked her up in town. Hope she knows where she's going. Regardless, they look to be sleeping, and very intoxicated. Not a problem.
I take a quick hop past those two distractions to get to the stuff I'm really here for. Yes, I’ll take this, and that; that green stuff's worthless, leave it. Ah, spare change. That'll do. I take a moment to admire the prostitute's butt on my way back out. She's got a nice thong on; I'd take it if I didn't have so much respect for it. Right, moving on. Not bad, not bad.
My next target's a downer, nothing light enough to take, but I do get further sights on the camp. Hey, they have a pretty big tent over there. I wonder if it's got anything besides people stored inside. Might be worth a look. I round the side to see that it's actually only a half-circle. There's a pole in the center that’s holding up the stretched canvas roof about five meters above the ground, and the whole tent being about eight meters wide.
I stop in my tracks when I see what's at the base of the pole, however. Wait, what the hell is that? Is that... a person? They're... huge! At least three meters tall. I keep to the shadows, but I circle the edge of the tent to get a better look. It's a woman, and she's chained to the pole. A slave, or prisoner, perhaps? She's laying on some sort of mat, on her side in a loose fetal position with her back to me. Her hips are wider than I am tall, and that's not just because she's big overall. She's got butt cheeks of enormous size, proportionally bigger than any woman I've ever seen, and nothing but a thin strip of purple silk running between them. She has long black hair, lying in a tangled mess on the floor around her. Her breathing is slow, so I think she's asleep.
She's not the only thing in this tent, though, and while she's impressive, I came for a different reason. What she is, why she's here, and where these traders are taking her is not my problem. Across from me are a row of cases, the kind they use for jewelry. Jackpot! I skirt around the edge of the tent, careful to keep my distance from the woman, and crouch down next to the cases. They're locked, no matter. I give one a little shake to confirm its contents and begin filling my pack. The idiots locked the boxes shut, but that doesn't mean I can't take them. I'll break them open later, but for now, it's not worth the time. Right, that's done. Let's get out of here.
I turn to leave and catch a glance at the woman's front for the first time. She's got a good face, closed eyes, and light, slightly open lips. She's also got a necklace there that makes my jaw drop. Yes, that. That is what I need. I haven't seen a ruby that size in my entire life, and I've robbed the kings of more countries than I can name. It's positioned at the end of her necklace, between her breasts. My god, those breasts. They're each at least as big as her head, let alone mine, and lay naked one on top the other, and squished flat on the ground. The ruby sits shimmering, just at the top of the chasm between them. Okay, stop looking at the breasts and focus. That jewel is gonna be mine.
I've stolen necklaces off sleeping people before, this is no different, I think to myself as I approach. It's hard not to grow intimidated by the sheer girth of her body the closer I get. She's probably almost three times my height, after all, what with me being so extraordinarily small and she so impossibly large. Her head is half the size of my body, and I could easily fit a leg in her mouth. I can see her perfect teeth peeking out from between her lax lips as I step over her outstretched arm. My target, the necklace, is right in front of me, lightly swaying with her breathing, but as I reach out to grab it, she stirs. I crouch down reflexively as she flops over onto her back (luckily away from me) with a crash. God, I wonder if those chains on her wrists and ankles are actually enough to hold her here. Regardless, her breathing settles again and my target stabilizes, still between her massive breasts, and slowly rising and falling with her breath. However, as I reach for it I realize that I cannot quite grab it from my current position without touching her. My god, she's big.
At this point, I carefully weigh my options. Is it really worth it to risk everything and climb up onto this woman's chest to get this necklace?
So, remember how I said I've got a gambling problem?