Meg leaned back against the family wagon's back seat, desperately trying to tune out everyone around her. Trying to tune out her parents in the front seat; Lois was whining and bitching about Peter's crappy driving and Peter just nonchalantly retorted about women knowing nothing about driving. Trying to tune out Brian, who was leaning out the right-side window, occassionally screaming profanities at dogs in other cars. And most of all, Meg tried with all her might to ignore the horrible excuse for a human being known as Glenn Quagmire, who sat to her left. His left arm was bandaged and in a sling, but Meg felt no sympathy for him whatsoever.

It was now spring break, and once again, while all the other people her age had plans, Meg had nothing to do and nowhere to go. None of her few friends had any plans either, and none of the 'cool' crowd would ever let her tag along to parties. Meg shuddered at the memory of last year's spring break, where she only got noticed at that beach party after exposing her breasts.

Why does it seem like I'm cursed to be the reject, the outcast...not to mention stuck with a dumbass, dysfunctional family that probably wouldn't care if I was gone tomorrow? Meg thought to herself, slamming her head into the car seat again and again. No answer came to Meg's silent question as they drove toward Quahog's biggest mall. It felt as if everyone else pretended she wasn't even there.

"Hey, Peter, thanks again for picking me up from the airport today," Quagmire suddenly said. "Might need another lift sometime this week, since my car's still in the shop for who knows how long."

"Oh, it's our pleasure, Glenn. Hope you don't mind that we're stopping at the mall before heading home," said Lois.

"Ah, it's no problem," said Quagmire dismissively.

Yeah, probably because you'll have a jolly good time in Victoria's Secret, you sick freak, Meg thought acidly. "And by the way, just how did your arm get burned, and why did your car need repairs?" asked Lois.

Brian stuck his head back inside the wagon. "Let's just say Quagmire had to learn the hard way there are some women you just DON'T flirt with."

---

Quagmire stopped at the red light and leaned out his car window, leering seductively at the occupants of the car next to his. And that would be Princess Peach Toadstool and Princess Daisy, riding in Peach's souped-up racing kart. "Hey ladies, going my way?" said Quagmire while doing that idiotic head-bob.

Peach responded by fishing out a turtle shell and hurling it right at Quagmire's face.

Quagmire just laughed it off. "Heh, I love a woman who likes to get rough."

This time Daisy took the initiative, pulling out a bob-omb.

---

Meg slouched lazily in her seat as they drove on, dwelling on how much her life sucked, how nothing seemed to ever go right for her, and how it felt like she was unloved, even by her own family. Of course, no one took notice of her silent plight, and Peter, as usual, was blissfully ignorant of his daughter's depression. "Man, I've been wanting to get one of those digital camcorders for a while. I think you can even use it to record things and put it on the Internet. Hmmm, maybe I could make my own vidoes for a web journal or something? Imagine, what sort of meaningful and insightful independent films I could create...."

---

Peter just sits in a chair, clad in nothing but his tighty-whities, just staring blankly at the camera, saying and doing nothing. Until, at last, he farts.

---

At last, they arrived at the mall. Their first stop in the mall was Sears, and Peter immediately ran to the electronics section. As he looked around for the video recording equipment, he passed by the video game section and noticed a Wii was on display. "Aw, sweet, a Nintendo Wii!" he exclaimed, running up to the display kiosk and knocking aside the kid that had been standing there.

"Alright, Wii Ice Hockey!" Peter picked up the controller and starting playing. After a while though, the fat guy he was playing as was tripped by someone on the opposing team. Naturally, Peter didn't take this lightly. "You son of a bitch, get back here!" he yelled. It was then Peter discovered one of the game's more questionable features: the option to start a full-scale in-rink brawl. As one would expect, Peter started waving the Wii controller all over the place as his on-screen alter-ego beat the opposing team to bloody pulps with his hockey stick. Peter just laughed to himself. "Who says Nintendo games are too kiddy?" he asked no one in particular.

Meanwhile, Meg was looking at clothes, but so far she hadn't found anything even worth trying on. Meg sifted through all the hanger racks for what seemed like forever until finally she stumbled upon a pink dress that looked good. She walked over to a mirror and placed the dress against her body, trying to determine if it would actually look good on her.

Eventually, though, Meg just let out a sigh. "Oh, what's the point?" she thought aloud as she put the dress back on the rack. No matter what I do, I look hideous. The only time it was different was when I allowed myself to get that makeover and look like a mutant Bratz reject. She turned to walk out of the clothes section, wanting to find her mother and beg her to just take her home. But she spotted someone else there that made her stop dead in her tracks.

Connie D'Amico, the most popular girl at her high school, was shopping there too, only a few feet away. As always, she looked ostentatiously elegant, with long blonde hair and the figure of a supermodel; the only thing that looked different about her now was that she was wearing a Red Sox cap. She'd been waearing that cap a lot, for whatever reason.

"Oh, crap," Meg muttered softly. Every run-in with Connie always ended in disaster for Meg. All Meg really wanted to was to fit in, but Connie seemed religiously devoted to humiliating her at every turn. And right now, Meg didn't want history to repeat itself. She walked around where Connie was as stealthily as she could. Just a little farther, Meg thought nervously. But just when it looked like she was in the clear....

"Meg Griffin," came an icy voice from behind her.

Keep cool, Meg, she thought as she steeled herself. She slowly turned around, trying to look calm. "Oh, hi Connie!" she said, trying to ignore how Connie was icily staring her down. Usually her tone was gloating and mocking. What was with her? "Gee, I didn't expect to run...."

"Save it, Meg!" snapped Connie. "I'm glad I ran into you before I left for spring break. I've got a bone to pick with you!"

Now Meg was really confused. She opened her mouth, but then sensed people behind her. A quick glance over her shoulder revealed that all of Connie's friends were there, too. "Connie, what's this all about? What's your problem?"

"What's my problem!?" Connie parroted maliciously. "THIS is my problem!" With that, she pulled off her cap, revealing an ugly, stitched-up scar on her forehead.

"Oh, that," said Meg blankly. No doubt Connie had gotten that scar after Peter slammed her head into a fire extinguisher case eighteen times.

"Yeah, THAT! I was in the hospital for a month because of your jackass of a father, and somehow he gets off just 'cause he's a *BLEEEP*ing retard!?" screeched Connie.

Meg could feel the rage radiating from Connie; no doubt she and her friends were ready to bully her again. But oddly, instead of making her anxious, Connie's tirade just made her mad too. "Hey, it's not like I TOLD him to do that! In case you forgot, I tried to make him stop! And he only did that because he was tired of seeing you be a bullying, stuck-up bitch!!" Meg snarled, pointing an accusing finger at Connie. Meg was surprised by the vehemence of her outburst, but she was through trying to get Connie's clique to accept her. It was all too obvious that the cool crowd would NEVER accept her no matter how hard she tried.

"Well, too bad he's not here now," Connie said silkily. Meg briefly wondered if she could just walk away, but then another voice spoke up.

"Gee Meg, some people never learn, do they?" Meg turned to see that her father had walked up. "Connie, do...do I need to reintroduce your brain to Mr. Fire Extinguisher? Really, do I, do I really have to?" Peter asked softly. The threatening tone in his voice was palpable, enough to make Connie's eyes widen with fear. Connie's friends likewise backed off. "I believe we've already established no one gets to make Meg feel like a jackass anymore," Peter went on.

"Uh, thanks Dad," Meg said tentatively. Meg wanted to sound grateful, but she couldn't easily forget how her father had a nasty habit of doing her more harm than good.

And lo and behold, that proved to be the case yet again. "C'mon Meg, let's get outta here," Peter said, turning to Meg. "By the way Meg, I got us a webcam. So, since you're stuck at home for spring break without absolutely no plans and nothing to do, maybe, maybe you can make some web videos ranting about how much being an outcast from society sucks. Just, just something to think about, y'know?"

Her family left the mall shortly after that, and Meg felt more humiliated than ever.

---

As they drove back home, Meg was blissfully unaware of events far away that would change everything. Far away, as in deep in space, high above Earth's atmosphere. A meteor shower was expected to be seen over Quahog that night. And among all the meteoroids that tumbled through space, there was one in particular heading toward Quahog that would change her life forever....

---

The next few hours at the Griffins' passed by slowly and quietly. After dinner, the family just decided to crowd around the television, wading through all the unmitigated crap to see if anything halfway decent was on.

Eventually, they all settled on a rerun of Star Trek: Voyager. This one was obviously late in the seventh season, since Chakotay and Seven were dressed for a date and running the cabana holodeck program from earlier in the series.

Meg really wasn't paying attention to what they were saying. She wasn't paying much attention at all, actually, and was only dimly aware of when Seven took a sip of champagne. And as Trekkies know, Seven is utterly incapable of holding any amount of liquor. So it came as no surprise when all of a sudden Seven managed to somehow fall OVER the railing and crash onto a table two stories below.

"God, I swear it was somewhere in the middle of the fifth season when they just stopped trying," Brian said dryly.

"What the deuce are you talking about?" Stewie demanded. "Contrary to what all the whiny, introverted, acne-cursed, blogging nerds insist, this series maintained a level of quality throughout."

"Yeah, because you're still at that age when one look at a pair of big breasts makes you think 'All You Can Eat Buffet'," retorted Brian. "But for the rest of us, it's obvious that when the appeal of Jeri Ryan's ginormous rack wore out, the folks at Paramount decided to save money and just handed the writing duties over to someone with the educational background of a trained circus monkey."

 

---

In the room where the writers for Star Trek: Voyager gathered, they were all discussing plot points for the next episode. Suddenly, Rick Berman walked through the door. "Hey guys, I've got some bad news. The ratings have kinda plummetted, and frankly, we've decided it's not worth spending the money to keep you all on the payroll. So we're having this guy write the scripts for the rest of the episodes."

And then, the evil monkey from Chris's closet peered through the doorway, gritted his teeth, and pointed threateningly at the writers.

---

"Oh will you two just shut up!?" Meg demanded hotly. To hear anyone argue about Star Trek instantly reminded her of Neil, and that instantly reminded her of how one of the very few boys in the universe that was actually interested in her was a dumpy, obnoxious, conceited nerd. Meg sighed in annoyance and stood up, walking over to the window. She could feel her family's confused stares bore into her back, but she ignored them. They'd never understand her, ever.

Hmmm, I heard there'd be a meteor shower tonight, Meg thought, peering through the window. And sure enough, after a few seconds, a shooting star streaked across the sky. Soon more followed, and for a while, the sheer beauty of the spectacle distracted Meg. But the splendor of the meteor shower couldn't distract her forever, and depression soon set in again. Ugh, could my life get any worse? she wondered silently.

And as if to answer her question, without warning, a stray meteor smashed through the window and smacked Meg in the forehead. The impact knocked her out instantly, and she lay sprawled out on the floor as her family stared at her unconscious body in shock. For a moment there was silence, only broken when Peter laughed and said, "Great way to catch a space rock with your face, Meg."

"PETER!" snapped Lois, glaring angrily at her husband. "Meg's seriously hurt! She's got to have a concussion at the very least!"

"Oh relax, Lois," said Peter nonchalantly. "Meg's been hit with bigger and heavier things and has come through OK...like last week when we went to Detroit."

---

For their trip to Detroit, Meg, Chris and Peter all went to a Detroit Redwings game. The Redwings just scored again, and true to the team's proud tradition, the fans all throw little octupi into the rink.

"Oh, that is so disgusting! And wasteful!" huffed Meg. She then turned around to glare up angrily at all the Redwings fans. "Why the hell do you people have to go and waste perfectly good seafood, just to...."

But Meg was cut off with a huge, man-sized octopus was thrown down onto her. All that could be seen of Meg was her arms, poking out from underneath the mass of writhing tentacles. Both Peter and Chris stared blankly for a few seconds, until Chris tactlessly blurted out, "Hey Meg, are you gonna eat that?"

---

As Peter and Lois continued to argue, Stewie jumped down from the couch to examine the meteorite. It had cooled just enough to safely pick it up. It was roughly the size of a baseball, and quartz-like crystals lined its rough surface, making it sparkling dazzlingly in the light. "Hmmm, very odd...I don't think there's ever been a meteorite discovered with a composition like this. This could be worth a fortune." As Stewie continued to inspect it closely, he thought he could feel it pulsate with power, as if it housed some incredible secret....

Meanwhile, Brian was checking on Meg; fortunately, she was still breathing and she wasn't bleeding. Satisfied that Meg seemed fine, he looked up and glared at Stewie. "Ah yes, Stewie, that's exactly what we should be thinking about while your sister's been knocked out cold!"

Just then, Meg let out a grunt and her eyes fluttered open. White-hot, knife-like pain shot through her head, but despite that, she could vaguely make out what Brian and Stewie were arguing about. Meg tried to remember what had happened, and she was able to recall watching a meteor shower right before something came out of nowhere and knocked her unconscious. It then occured to her a stray meteorite had knocked her out, and that must be the meteorite her family was talking about.

With a supreme effort, Meg pushed herself off the floor, then turned toward Brian and Stewie. "Excuse me, but I'll take that!" Meg snapped, snatching the meteorite from her baby brother. "I believe since I found the meteorite, I get to keep it."

"Well technically, it just hit you in the face," Chris pointed out.

"Oh shut up, wide load!" Meg shot back. She then stormed off to her room, holding a hand to her aching head.

"Meg, honey, are you sure you're alright?" Lois called after her. But Meg simply ignored her mother, ran into her room, and shut the door behind her.

"Even meteors go out of their way to make my life miserable," Meg muttered as she collapsed on her bed. It was then she became aware of the rock still clutched firmly in her hand. It seemed to still be radiating some heat. Huh, I gueess it hasn't completely cooled yet, she reasoned, but as she continued to clasp the meteorite in her hand, it felt like energy was radiating from WITHIN it, desperately trying to escape.

Curious, Meg brought the meteorite up to her face to inspect it closely. She slowly ran her fingers across its rough surface, but stopped when she thought she felt a deep crack. Looking closer, Meg could see that there was indeed a crack in it, one that almost encircled it completely. Not only that, Meg swore she could see some sort of light seeping through the crack.

More curious than ever, Meg grabbed the meteorite and tried to pull it apart. There was something special in this meteorite, no question about it. She gritted her teeth as she continued to pull with all her might, but she couldn't get it open. After an agonizing moment in which she accomplished nothing, Meg was about to give up hope, but then it suddenly snapped open at last.

Meg looked at the halves of the meteorite, seeing that it was actually a geode. And protruding from one of the halves was a thin crystal the length of her pinky finger, which glowed with an intense, dazzling, pale blue light. Meg stared at it in wonder, wondering just what she had stumbled upon, but then she realized the light seemed to make the skin of her face tingle.

Panicking, Meg clasped the two halves of the geode back together. Oh my God, what if this thing is radioactive or something? she thought fearfully. Luckily, the two halves fit back together like puzzle pieces, so if that was the case, she wasn't in any danger. She ran over to her dresser, pulled open a drawer, and quickly dropped the meteorite inside. Meg decided she'd figure out what to do with the meteorite tomorrow. For now, she was just too tired, and she still had a splitting headache.

And so, after a quick shower (and no doubt doing what Stewie lovingly called the 'butt floss') Meg plopped down into bed and swiftly drifted off into a deep sleep, silently praying that tomorrow wouldn't be as miserable as just about every other day of her life.

Little did Meg realize that the next morning, her meteorite would bring about a disaster the likes of which she had never imagined.

---

Meg was slowly roused hours later by the sound of a thunderstorm raging right outside. Light flooded into her room a second later, blinding her for an instant. Meg simply shrugged and turned over to go back to sleep, but then she heard one of her dresser drawers being opened. At first, she assumed is was merely Chris trying to find where she stashed her money...or maybe even Peter. Confident that it was hidden well enough this time, Meg shut her eyes again and tried to go back to sleep. However, Meg then remembered the meteorite she had hidden in her dresser.

And then, to confirm her suspicions, Meg suddenly heard Stewie thinking aloud. "Blast, where the devil did she put that meteorite?" Stewiw muttered angrily. "Ugh, this is more nauseating than when I searched through Hillary Clinton's jockstraps looking for the nuclear football," he added with a shudder.

Meg sprang up, sitting bolt-erect on her bed. Sure enough, Stewie was wading through her lingerie drawer, and he had just stumbled upon the meteorite. Without preamble, Meg launched herself off her bed, reaching out to grab the meteorite back. She got hold of it, but Stewie refused to relinquish it. "Let go of it Stewie!" Meg demanded. "That's MY meteorite!" Meg swung around and shook Stewie about, desperately trying to force him to let go, but the little bugger stubbornly held on.

Eventually, though, Meg shook Stewie off, but NOT in the way she had intended. Meg continued spinning around until the two halves of the meteorite split apart again. Stewie skidded across the carpet for a few feet and Meg stumbled back a few steps. Meg looked up, and gasped when she saw the glowing crystal from the meteorite shoot across the room, as if it was being propelled by some mysterious energy.

Light from another lightning strike poured into Meg's room as the crystal shard rebounded off a wall. The shard ricocheted out of control off the walls like a rubber ball for a few seconds, and Meg just stood there helplessly, clueless as to what to do next. The shard only stopped when it rebounded off the wall behind Meg, and then....

"YEOW!!!" Meg screeched as she grabbed her rear, her eyes tearing up from stinging pain. She couldn't believe it...that piece of crystal had lodged itself RIGHT UP HER BUTT! The shard was causing unbelievablly painful burning as it radiated that strange energy. But as excruciating as the pain was, her anger at her baby brother was even more overwhelming. She glared down at Stewie, was was just starting to pry himself off the floor. "Stewie, you little idiot! This is your fault!" she screamed as she ran over to him, and with one swift kick, she booted him out of her room.

Stewie slammed into the wall right outside her door. "Kicking a misshapen baby?" Stewie said testily as he rubbed his head. "It's bad enough we're always accused of ripping off Simpsons...you want Trey Parker and Matt Stone to come banging on our door!?"

Meg smirked as Stewie scurried off, but her satsifaction swiftly faded as the burning in her ass only got worse. "Oh God, what the hell am I supposed to do...I've got a piece of radioactive alien rock up my ass!" she exclaimed, panic beginning to overtake her. Her mind racing, she took a step toward the door, but a sudden dizzy spell overwhelmed her. Meg collapsed into a heap as the room spun around her. She tried to crawl to the doorway, but the dizziness and the torturous burning became too much, and she lapsed into unconsciousness. Another defeaning thunderclap filled the air, and a second later blinding light flooded her room as her eyes slowly closed.

---

When Meg awoke again, the storm had passed and the sun had risen, heralding the start of a new day. The gentle sunshine slowly roused her and she pushed herself up off the floor. "Huh? What am I doing on the floor?" she asked herself as she sat up. She tried to recall what had happened last night, but found her memory was mostly a blur. What the hell happened? All I can remember is something about Stewie and Hillary Clinton and those two idiots who created South Park.... Must've been some weird dream I had while sleepwalking, or something.

She dragged herself over to her dresser and looked in the mirror. She ran her fingers over where the meteorite had hit her forehead. Miraculously, there hardly seemed to be any mark whatsover. Well, guess I should be grateful I'm not sporting some hideous scar...like Connie. The sudden recollection of her encounter yesterday quickly soured her mood. Now that Connie had finally recovered from her father's assault, she'd devote her energies to making her life even more hellish once spring break was over, Meg had no doubt about that.

Meg took another good look at herself, once again cursing what she considered her unsightly face and chubby body. When 99.99 percent of all carbon-based lifeforms treat me like a circus freak, how could I think otherwise? Meg thought.

Sighing, Meg made her way downstairs to the kitchen. When she walked in, Lois was cooking some bacon while Stewie had his nose in the Wall Street Journal. Stewie hesitantly glanced over at Meg. For a moment, he actually looked nervous, but after a moment he quickly turned back to his newspaper. Meg raised an eyebrow, wondering what was with him, but decided to let it go and sat down.

"Meg honey, here's some breakfast for you," Lois said, sliding a plate of bacon and french toast in front of her.

"Thanks Mom," Meg said lazily, then dug in.

After a while, Lois spoke up again. "By the way, Meg. A package arrive for you this morning," she said, holding out a small box.

"A package for me?" Meg said, confused. She took the small box and examined it, but couldn't find a return address anywhere. Shrugged Meg tore off the tape and opened it...and instantly a sticky red liquid splattered all over her.

"What in the...." breathed Lois as she stared dumbfounded at her daughter. Meg likewise simply sat there, paralyzed with shock. Stewie used a finger to gather up some of the red liquid off of Meg and examined it. "Pig's blood," he said with his usual aloofness. "Clever foreshadowing though it may be, this will no doubt come off as cliche to horror movie fans and Stephen King's worshippers."

Peter then walked in, took one look at the blood-drenched Meg, and tactlessly asked, "Wow Meg, are you trying for a spot as an extra in a Rob Zombie movie?"

Meg ran past her father, crying and sobbing. There was no doubt about who sent that package. Connie obviously wasn't waiting until school was back in to start tormenting her again. She ran into the bathroom and jumped into the shower. As she scrubbed all the blood off of her, all she could think about was how Peter, despite his best intentions, had only made her life worse.

Once done showering, Meg dressed herself in her usual attire and ran back downstairs. She decided to ride over to the high school; the pool there was still open. She thought maybe some swimming might clear her head and relieve some stress. As her hand reached for the door, however, she heard Peter say, "Meg, hang on a sec." Meg turned around to see Peter walking toward her, along with Lois, Chris and Brian. "Meg, about what just happened...."

"Save it Dad," snapped Meg, cutting her father off. "I'm don't wanna hear it. This is partly your fault anyway; thanks to how you beat up Connie, things'll be worse for me at school than ever! Damnit, even when you actually TRY to help me, you screw things up more you dumb son of a bitch!" she snarled at him, her ire aroused.

"Meg, that's unfair," said Lois. "Yes, your father can be unreasonably violent at times, but at least his heart's in the right place."

"Yeah Meg, I try to be a good father, listen to you and stuff," Peter chimed in. "For example, like what you said at the Redwings game. Well, these last few days I took my boat out for some fishing, searching for a little special something for my girl, and look what I caught for you!" he continued, then ran out of the living room. When he ran back in, he was holding a huge octopus.

"Gee, thanks...." said Meg slowly as she eyed the huge aquatic mollusk. Here was yet another example of how Peter almost always drew the wrong conclusions.

"Just like they toss at Detroit," said Peter. Then he suddenly exclaimed, "Heads up!" and tossed the octopus at Meg, instantly knocking her to the floor. Meg heard Lois and Brian try to stifle their laughter...and fail miserably.

That did it. This day had already started off horribly and was only getting worse; once again, her family was making her even more miserable, whether intentionally or not. With a cry of anguish, Meg shoved the octopus off of her, stood up, and glared hatefully at her family. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!?" she shrieked, her blood now coming to a boil. Her frustration was so great, she could hear her blood pounding in her ears. "It's bad enough everyone else treats me like a circus freak, but when my own family...."

Meg's words trailed off when she suddenly noticed that her family was giving her funny looks. It looked as if they were confused about something. This only served to make Meg even angrier. "Why the hell are all of you looking at me like that!?" she demanded heatedly. When they still kept staring at her, she then said. "Goddamnit, what's with...."

"MEG!" Brian suddenly exclaimed, cutting Meg off. "You...you're GLOWING!!"

"What!? What are you talking about!?" demanded Meg. But she looked down at herself and saw that, sure enough, her arms were giving off a faint, pale-blue glow, and it only seemed to be getting more intense.

Meg's rage was instantly replaced by pure terror. "Wha...WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!?" Meg shrieked, her mind racing. As she kept looking down at herself, seeing the light radiating from her was getting brighter and brighter. That pale-blue light...all of a sudden, she remembered last night's fight with Stewie. No doubt that's what was causing this, but that knowledge didn't help her much at the moment. And what exactly is that thing doing to me?

Meg then felt her stomach lurch violently, and she was hit by a dizzy spell as well. The suddenness of both made her shut her eyes and sink to her knees. Meg clutched her stomach, breathing heavily. When she found the strength to stand back up, she opened her eyes...and immediately noticed something was wrong.

Somehow, everything looked...smaller. The room, the furniture, everything. Meg looked back over at her family...even they looked a lot shorter. Overwhelmed by confusion and fear, Meg just stared blankly back at the others, until she felt her head brush against the ceiling. Meg quickly looked up and saw that, indeed, her head was level with the ceiling. It was then that Meg finally realized just what was happening to her: the crystal from that meteorite was making her grow! And judging from how the ceiling looked as if it was getting ever lower, it wasn't stopping!

Fortunately for Meg, her clothes were expanding along with the rest of her body, but she was in no state to appreciate that. Pure, mind-numbing terror took hold once more. "What's going on!? Someone HELP ME!!" she implored to her family, her voice echoing loudly off the walls. She nervously backed away from them, only to snag her foot on the carpet. She tumbled backwards, and her increased mass caused her to crash right through the wall.

Meg got right back up, finding herself standing on her front lawn. One quick glance down at herself revealed that the glow had not abated, and neither had her growth. She seemed to be growing even faster. Meg watched with horror as she saw her own house dwindle away; she was almost at eye level with it! A glance over her shoulder at the street behind her made her realize all the cars driving by were toy-sized to her now. And unsurprisingly, a string of fender-benders ensued once drivers got a good look at her.

Meanwhile, over at Quagmire's house, Meg's old friend Sarah, leader of her high school's Lesbian Alliance Club, walked up and rang the doorbell. It wasn't too long before Quagmire answered. "Hi, I'm the leader of James Woods High School's Lesbian Alliance Club, and I was wondering if you'd like to sign...." But the plangent noise of car crashes cut her off. Sarah and Quagmire looked toward the source...and instantly spotted the colossal Meg, now at a towering height of nearly a hundred feet.

Both of them just stared at Meg with what could only be described as looks of pure enrapturement. "Biggest...boobs...EVER!" exclaimed Quagmire.

"Uhhh, can I use your bathroom real quick?" Sarah suddenly asked.

Meg looked down all around her, her mind still blank, unable to accept what had just happened. This simply wasn't possible. Spontaneously growing like this defied all known laws of science, and surely even HER luck wasn't THIS bad! Her barely came in short gasps as she looked all around. She was drawing a crowd now, and though it was hard to make out their faces, they seemed to have looks of terror and confusion as well...which perfectly matched how she was feeling.

At last, her family had the courage to run out of the house to her. For a while, none of them could think of anything to say either. But at last, Lois spoke up. "Meg! Meg, just...try to keep calm!!"

Meg looked down at her mother and her expression soured. "Keep CALM!?" Meg said with a laugh, her thunderous voice making them all wince. "Mom, LOOK AT ME!! I've grown to the size of King Kong!! My life was a mess before, but now...."

"If I may, I think I can get her to settle down," suddenly came Stewie's voice. He quickly ran out of the house through the hole Meg had made and stopped directly in front of her, carrying some sort of dart gun. He wasted no more time on words and promptly shot a dart full of powerful tranquiliziers right at Meg's forehead, which miraculously pierced her thick skin, as evidenced by a sudden hiss of pain from Meg.

"Ow! Stewie, what's wrong with you!? And this is your fault anyway! I should...." But without warning, Meg lapsed into unconsciousness and fell forward, making the ground quake violently. But that wasn't the real problem. Stewie, having been right in front of Meg, was now pinned underneath her massive frame. And guess what body part he was trapped under?

"Oh my God!" came Stewie's muffled cry from underneath Meg's breast. "It's ungodly heavy, yet soft, and nauseating, yet disturbingly arousing all at the same time!"

---

Meg sat in front of her house, hugging her knees close to her chest. Of all the weird and humiliating things that had ever happened to her in her lousy life, this one easily topped them all. Within seconds, she had been transformed from just an ugly, chunky girl into this ugly, chunky, freakishly huge monster. Meg looked down at herself again; even in this position, her feet spilled out onto the street. She was just so gigantic, she couldn't even sit comfortably in her front lawn.

To make matters worse, a crowd had gathered within minutes, and more people kept swarming around her every second. All around, people just gawked and stared up at her, and it took every ounce of Meg's willpower to keep from crying. Never before did Meg feel so much like a freak. Meg tried desperately to ignore the crowd, but occassionally she couldn't help but to glance down at the people below.

I can't believe how small everyone looks, Meg thought, terrified. No one in the crowd looked more than three inches tall to her. Closest to her were several ambulances and police cars. Running around her somwhere was Dr. Elmer Hartman, doing some tests or whatever. Joe Swanson was rolling around trying to keep the crowds under control. Meg also spotted a Channel 5 news van parked nearby, and swore that was Trisha Takanawa standing by it. She also thought she saw Mayor Adam West in the crowd as well, addressing a few people. Meg couldn't make out what he was saying, but no doubt it was something retarded.

And speaking of retarded, Meg swore she heard her father's ridiculous laugh from somwhere. She scanned the crowd that encircled her again, but there was no sign of him. She listened closely, and thought she heard his laugh coming from behind her. Meg slowly turned around to look at her house, ignoring the collective gasps from the crowd. The sight of her house almost made her lose it; even while sitting down she towered over it. Even worse, though, was how Peter was standing on the roof, using his new digital camcorder. Peter laughed again, then said, "Smile for the camera, Meg! Oh, this is the best shot I've gotten so far...finally spotted by the monstrous Megzilla...."

A sudden urge to send Peter flying across Quahog with a flick of her finger almost got the best of Meg. Humiliating videos of her were going to be on YouTube by lunchtime. Did her own father really have to jump on the bandwagon?

"Peter, that's enough! Cut it out and get down here!" demanded Lois. The rest of her family was standing outside among the doctors and police.

"Wow, I wonder how much Meg weighs now!?" Chris asked tactlessly.

"Hmmm, well, let's see, considering how if something doubles in size, its mass multiplies by a factor of eight. Hmmm, with a height well over a hundred feet...." rambled Stewie. "Let's just say Meg's a whole new category of lardass and leave it at that."

"Enough, all of you! This is serious!" snapped Lois. "My baby girl, just.... My God, this is even worse than when Stewie swapped bodies with Sailor Chibi-Moon!"

---

Stewie Griffin, now in Sailor Chibi-Moon's body, stood in the living room of his home, with the rest of his family standing together not too far away. Despite being in a body that's a little older and a little taller, Stewie was not too thrilled with his predicament, as one would expect.

"What the devil is with this outfit!?" exclaimed Stewie in Chibi-Moon's voice; hearing that sweet, bubbly voice spout out such venom was a whole new level of weird. "I mean, look at this ridiculously short skirt! Does this girl really think it's a good idea to go out and fight the forces of evil in this fuku!? I mean, she'll get chased by every child predator in a five-mile radius!"

His family continued to stare blankly at him/her as Stewie kept ranting. "And what is with this hair?" he asked, running both hands through it. "It is really naturally pink, or does she use five gallons of hair dye every morning? And this hairstyle...." Stewie went on, fingering the odangos. "How long does she spend each day getting her hair like this, and for what? At best, it looks like I have ice cream cones stuck on my head, and at worst it looks like I'm growing horns!"

Then Stewie pulled out Chibi-Usa's weapon, the Crystal Carrillon. "And what the hell is this!? It's just a little bell with a ridiculously huge heart-shaped handle. Really, in the heat of battle what possible use could this have!?"

But Stewie got his answer when the pink heart-shaped crystal on the bell glowed. He had accidently initiated the Pink Sugar Heart Attack. Little pink hearts shot out from the crystal...and struck Peter right in the unmentionables. "Ow ow ow ow ow!" Peter cried out as he doubled over, the pink hearts continuing to smash into his testicles.

Everyone else just watched in confusion. Stewie's expression had been one of surprise, but soon that evil grin crossed Chibi-Usa's face. "Well, it looks like I spoke too soon," he said, holding the Crystal Carrillon closer. "That's right, eat it Fat Man!" he cried as he kept up the barrage of pink hearts.

---

After what seemed like an eternity, Dr. Elmer Hartman walked over to Lois, just as Peter lost his footing and tumbled off the roof, crashing onto the ground. But no one really paid him any notice. "Dear God, what a week this will be," he grumbled. "I always have to prepare for some pandemic whenever Quagmire comes back from overseas, and now this...." But he quickly shut up when he saw Lois's angry glare. "Oh, um, right. Err, Mrs. Griffin, I'm afraid I'm not sure what to say. I've performed every test and examination I could think of, given the...unusual circumstances."

"Oh my God, is my girl going to be OK?" asked Lois, on the verge of hysteria.

"Well, physically, she seems perfectly healthy, aside from the...well, you know," said Dr. Martman delicately. "What we should be worried about is how to reverse this. From what your daughter said, it sounds like if we can get that crystal out of her ass, she may return to normal."

"How do we do that?" asked Lois.

"Well, first we have to determine exactly WHERE in her rectum it is before we can do anything," explained Dr. Hartman.

"Hey wait a minute," said Peter, who had finally picked himself up off the ground. "If this thing's radioactive or whatever, can't you just scan her ass or something?"

"You would think so, but no. We need the exact location before anything can be done. I'd wager it's pretty far up there, judging from Meg's description of what happened; it sounds like it went right up like a suppository. I'm afraid the only answer might be a colonoscopy."

Meg had been listening in, anxious for some good news. But as usual, things sounded as if they would only get worse. A COLONOSCOPY!? Meg thought fearfully. A sudden vision of her lying naked and face-down in some airplane bunker, getting her ass probed in front of dozens of doctors made her shudder.

"Alright then...." said Lois slowly. "How soon can we do that?"

"Truthfully, I don't know. First, we actually have to construct a colonoscope long enough," said Dr. Hartman. "There's just no colonoscope in the world big enough and long enough for this...even the ones custom made for Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O'Donnell."

Oh no no no! Meg thought, more terrified than ever. You mean I could be stuck like this for WEEKS while I wait for a colonoscope to be built!?

"In the meantime, we'd better find a safe place for your daughter to stay. As you can see, she's drawing quite a crowd here," Joe cut in.

The mention of this made Meg feel uneasy. "Wait a minute," she suddenly said, making everyone down below look up. "You're shepharding me off somewhere?"

"It's for your own protection, Meg," Joe said quickly. "I'm sure we can get the airport to evacuate a hangar so...."

"NO!! I'm staying right here!!" bellowed Meg. It was bad enough that she felt like a monstrous freak, but the thought of being herded off like some dangerous animal made her feel even worse.

"Meg, maybe you should...." Lois began, but Meg wouldn't hear of it. As infuriating as her family could be, they were really all she had, and this was the only home she'd ever known...it didn't matter if she had literally outgrown it.

"I said I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE!!!" Meg repeated angrily, and to emphasize her point, she slammed her fist down, making the ground shake and almost knocking everyone nearby off their feet.

"You'd all better listen to her," said Stewie flatly. "I think it's close to that time of month, you know."

"Errr, perhaps being close yo home and family would be more, umm, therapeutic and...stuff," said Dr. Hartman quickly. "Well, Mrs. Griffin, we'll keep you up to date, but there are two more things you all should be aware of."

"Oh no, what?" asked Lois in a terrified voice, sentiments Meg shared exactly. Meg just knew she was in for more bad news.

"First of all, your daughter should definitely try not to get herself worked up," Dr. Hartman began. "Judging from what you told me, her growth was probably triggered after she got angry, after...."

"Peter threw an octopus at her," Lois finished for him, glaring at Peter.

"Uh, I see. And secondly, though she's still perfectly healthy, she may, how to say this...Meg might be prone to bouts of uncontrollable flatulence."

Meg's jaw dropped. There was no way she had heard Dr. Hartman right. "Whoa, imagine lighting one of those babies!" Peter cried out, obviously thinking it was very funny.

"Yeah, and if we could harness that, we might have just solved our nation's energy problems," said Brian dryly.

"Oh SHUT UP!" thundered Meg. "I feel perfectly fine! There's no way...." But Meg was suddenly cut off by her own thunderously loud, drawn-out fart.

Meg's eyes widened with shock as the fart went on. At least one good thing arose from such an embarrassing situation: the crowd that had gathered swiftly fled, desperately trying to escape the ungodly foul odor. But the effects of her fart didn't stop there. Dead birds started raining down all around the house, and then Captain Planet's lifeless body crashed down onto a nearby news van. Meg just buried her face in her hands, finally letting the tears flow.

---

Meg stared at the huge circus tent that had just been erected in her backyard. It was easily visible to anyone from the street. It took up almost every square inch of space behind her house, and yet she still would have to curl up into a fetal position to fit inside. Oh my God, THIS is where I have to sleep until they get that colonoscope built!? Meg thought dourly, staring at what would undoubtedly be a very cramped space. All of a sudden, the idea of a nice, roomy hangar didn't sound so bad.

Her mother must've known what she was thinking, as mothers usually did. Meg heard Lois's faint voice from down below, and she had to listen closely to make out her words. "OK Meg, I just finished talking with your grandfather, and he's agreed to pay for a huge shipment of food for you that'll arrive tomorrow morning. And thanks to this tent the mayor loaned us, you've got some shelter. So don't worry honey, everything's going to be fine."

Meg looked down at her family, who were standing perilously close to her feet. It was scary how with one false step, she could mash them all into the dirt. Meg didn't answer. She just looked back at the tent, which was normally used for town fairs. How appropriate...a carnival tent to house a carnival freak, she thought to herself.

Eventually, Meg was snapped out of her morose thoughts by Peter's voice, which was little more than a faint murmur to her. "Uh, Lois, are you really sure it's a good idea for Meg to stay here?"

Meg looked back down at them. It was hard to tell, but Lois looked ready to clobber Peter. "What the hell are you talking about!? She's still our daughter, and it doesn't matter if she can kick the *BLEEEP* out of King Kong, we're not shipping her off to some military base. She's deserves to stay here with her family while she waits this out!"

"I know, Lois, I know I know," said Peter defensively. "But it's just that, well, having giant girls around usually leads to trouble. If you don't believe me, just ask Michael Eisner."

---

Michael Eisner stood in the tallest tower of Cinderella's castle in Disney World, overlooking the park. "So, the shareholders think they can oust me?" the (now former) CEO of Disney asked no one in particular. "I'll show them! I'll stand firm. I'll...." But his voice trailed off as he noticed something approaching...something approaching fast. "Oh crap," he muttered.

And then, Alice stomped toward the castle in all her mushroom-induced giant-sized glory, using an uprooted giant redwood as a battering ram.

---

"And it's not like that's the only example we've got," Peter went on.

"Yeah, remember that anime convention we went to last year?" asked Chris.

---

The Griffin family walked through the outdoor part of the anime convention that had come to Quahog. Chris was dressed as Dragon Ball Z's Goku with an SSJ4 wig, looking even more gloriously stupid than usual. "Wow, this is so cool!" he exclaimed. "Look over there, it's Akira Toriyama himself! And look, they even have Shinji's Evangelion Unit 01 on display!" Chris cried out, pointing at a towering mech nearby.

But all of a sudden, Sakura Kinomoto (from Card Captor Sakura) ran up out of nowhere, having used the Big Card to grow to the same size as the Evangelion unit. The air was filled with screams of fear and confusion as everyone else fled, and Sakura proceeded to use her staff to repeatedly bash and smash the mech. It wasn't long before Sakura had beaten it into a worthless metal husk, and then she knocked it over and began jumping up and down on it, flattening it into the ground.

---

"Yeah, that was certainly weird," said Brian.

"At least no carbon-based lifeforms were harmed in that incident," said Stewie. "Brian, remember when we blew through New York on our last road trip?"

"Oh God, don't remind me," grumbled Brian, looking heavenward and shuddering at the memory.

---

On a street corner in the outskirts of New York City, Brian and Stewie stood with their thumbs out, patiently waiting for someone to stop. Eventually, the Turtle Van skids to a halt right beside them. "Uh, yeah," Stewie said tentatively, looking up at the Turtles. "Our rental car sort of needs a jump, and, ummm, we were wondering if you could lend us a hand."

"Uh, you see, any other time we'd be happy to," said Leonardo. "But right now, we're helping out a friend of ours, and we need to get her someplace quickly before...."

But a defeaning, feminine voice that echoed all around them cut Leonardo off. "Oh, what an adorable dog and baby!" Brian and Stewie slowly looked up, seeing a gigactic Irma (yeah, this is riffing the 80s Ninja Turtles toon, after all) looking down at them adoringly.

"OH MY GOD!" yelled Brian and Stewie together as they madly ran away from Irma.

Irma effortlessly steps over them, accidently stepping on their rental car in the process and causing it to go up in flames. "Wait a minute, don't be scared!" said Irma imploringly. But Brian and Stewie continued to run around aimlessly, screaming like little girl scouts. Since they were still staring up at Irma, they didn't see where they were going, and ended up running right into the flaming wreckage of their rental car.

"AHHH!" screamed Brian and Stewie, now running around while on fire. In desperation, Irma picked up a nearby dumptruck filled with sand and promptly dumped the sand on top of them. For several agonizing seconds, Irma and the Turtles just stared at the huge pile of sand; Brian and Stewie had yet to dig their way out. The Turtle Van drove off as Irma looked around all shifty-eyed. Seconds later, Irma sidled her way out of sight.

---

"That's enough, all of you!" snapped Lois angrily. "Look, I don't care how you all feel, or how much damage she'll potentially do...if Meg says she wants to stay here, then she's staying here! Besides, it's not like we can actually FORCE Meg to leave!"

The whole time, Meg had silently listened in. Listening to them insist it was a bad idea for her to stay almost made her lose it again, but Lois's outburst made her realize something. As long as she was like this, no one could tell her what to do anymore. And no one would give her any crap anymore, not unless they wanted to suffer the consequences. The sight of her family literally being at her feet now began to fill Meg with a heady sense of power. A wicked smile crossed Meg's face as all sorts of possibilities sprang to mind....

"Yeah, good point," Peter conceded. "But we've already got a gaping hole in the front of our house; don't go whining to me if she...."

"What? What is it?" asked Lois, noticing that something on the street had caught Peter's eye.

"Oh, I don't believe it," muttered Peter, running out of the backyard. Lois immediately followed. Meg watched them go, wondering what was going on. Eventually, Meg shrugged her shoulders and followed. It took Meg only three steps to reach the other side of the street, where Peter had confronted Ernie. Not the gay-ass Sesame Street puppet, but the big badass orange chicken we all know and love.

Ernie turned to his wife. "You see, Nicole? Why did I let you talk me into looking for a house to buy in this neighborhood?" he asked. "Here we are, minding our own business, and along comes Mr. I-Won't-Let-Anyone-Else-Pay-The-Check!"

"Uhh, twice I recall minding my own business when Mr. I-Give-Away-Expired-Coupons comes along and tries to kick my ass!" retorted Peter. It looked like their feud was about to heat up again. They lunged for each other, but were held back by their wives.

"Ernie, you promised!" implored Nicole, struggling to restrain him.

"Peter, not now!" Lois shrieked. "You've got more important things you can be doing! Meg needs a father more than ever!"

It was just then that Ernie became aware of the shadow Meh cast over the street. He looked up, syating at Meg with dumb shock. "Whoa, I heard you had a porky, effeminate son, but that's just ridiculous," he finally said to Peter. "What the hell do you feed this kid? I know the concepts of proper diet and exercise are lost on you, but don't you think you could encourage your son to have a better lifestyle?"

Meg glared angrily at Ernie as Lois held Peter back, who was struggling harder than ever. He had better be talking about Chris, she thought, one eye twitching. Being mistaken for a guy was getting a little old.

"I must apologize. He really shouldn't say that, not when you consider who we have for an adopted daughter," said Nicole.

"Huh?" said Meg, noticing something out of the corner of her eye. She turned to see someone else standing in the street, someone as tall as she was....

A gigantic teenage girl with bushy, flowing pink hair and glasses, wearing a traditional Japanese schoolgirl uniform. But what was most noticable about her was that she had kitty ears poking out from that mop of pink hair, along with a long pink tail. "So, you must be his daughter," Meg said hesitantly.

"That would be me," said the catgirl. "Name's Carolina."

"I'm Meg. Well, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has this...thing...." Meg said nervously. "So, were you, born like that?"

"Pretty much. Outgrew the orphanage's cradle before the month was out," said Carolina. "It's not all that bad though. Don't have to worry about cars or the price of gas for one thing; just a quick stroll and you can get pretty much anywhere. But you gotta worry about stepping on people, of course, and privacy's hard to come by...can hardly ever find a quiet moment to lick myself."

"Oh, OK...." Meg replied quickly, not sure how to respond to that.

Luckily, Meg's awkwardness was lost on Carolina. "Hey, you know what, you seem alright," said Carolina. "Didn't really know what to expect, after what I heard about your father and all."

"Well thanks, it's not often someone...." Meg began, at first overjoyed she had possibly made a new friend, but then the last part of that sentence clicked. "Whoa whoa, WHAT was that about my dad?"

"Just that he's always fighting with my dad, and anyone who reads newspapers would know about the dumb stuff he gets into, and...." Carolina replied.

"Hey shut up!" snarled Meg. "He may be a flatulent, retarded, neglectful son of a bitch but he's still my dad!" Meg was shocked by her own vehemence. A moment ago, she thought about teaching Peter to love HER gas. Now she was defending him? She realized she was stupid that way. Still, despite herself, Meg went on. "And need I remind you that MY dad kicked YOUR dad's ass three times in a row...FOUR, if you count that useless video game!"

"Oh yeah, I've seen that. Didn't look too bad," said Carolina calmly. "Wasn't that the one where your dad went on a rampage through Quahog because the idiot thought Mr. Belvedere kidnapped his family...oh, and showed possible hints of necrophilia on your part?" she finished with a sly grin.

That did it. Carolina had just crossed the line. Meg leered at Carolina dangerously, and the catgirl narrowed her eyes as well. Carolina looked ready to pounce on her. But right before she could....

"Wait wait wait, hold on a minute," Meg said all of a sudden, pulling out the case for her glasses and putting her specs safely inside.

"Yeah, lemme do that too," said Carolina, doing the same. "It's a real pain to get new ones made at our size, after all." The two gargantuan girls just stared at each other for a few seconds. "So...are we still gonna do this?"

Meg's reply was a vicious right hook that knocked Carolina flat on her ass. Her head smashed into the side of Cleveland's house, causing the front wall to crumble away and reveal Cleveland in the bathtub. "Aw damn, not again...." Cleveland drawled. Carolina sprang back on her feet almost immediately, however, and came back at Meg with a kick to her midsection. Meg doubled over, her arm falling onto Quagmire's garage, releasing about a dozen Asian women clad in nothing but lingerie.

Meg was soon back on her feet as well, and this ugly family feud got a whole lot messier.

Carolina came right at Meg with a flurry of punches, forcing her to walk backwards down the street. However, while being forced back, Meg was able to counter with a few quick jabs of her own, each one landing with a satisfying crunch against Carolina's skull.

However, both girls were completely unaware of the pandemonium they were causing down below. Panicked people fled in terror to avoid getting trampled. Cars swerved wildly to avoid their massive, crushing feet and oftentimes crashed right into houses. In addition, the two ended up stepping onto a lot of cars parked along the street, and also accidently kicking in walls or ripping off rooftops when their feet swung too low.

Carolina delivered a couple more punches to Meg's face, but Meg swiftly counterattacked by grabbing her shoulders and bashing into the catgirl's head with her own. Carolina backed away for a moment, dazed, but immediately lashed out again with claws outstretched. Meg brought up her arms to block her attack, and her claws slashed across her left forearm, drawing blood.

Meg fought back tears, doing her best to ignore the pain. She raised her fists threateningly while Carolina licked the blood off her claws, eager for another chance to pound that obnoxious catgirl's face in. Carolina let out a loud hiss, then lunged at Meg, tackling her. The two of them barrelled down the street like a giant steamroller, demolishing everything in their path. Eventually, they rolled right into Quahog's airport.

When they finally detangled themselves, Meg lashed out with another right hook, this time putting Carolina on the defensive. Meg forced her back with more punches, and Carolina ended up tripping over a fighter jet that had landed there. But then, there was the sound effect that every American who grew up in the 80s would know in an instant...the jet transformed into Starscream, who started firing laser blasts up at the girls. But Carolina slammed him to the ground with one punch, and both girls started stomping on Starscream together, which is unsurprising since no one ever liked the whiny little bitch anyway.

Once they were done stomping the useless Decepticon flat, they stared at their handiwork for a second. The fight resumed when Meg picked up Starscream's lifeless metal carcass and slapped Carolina around with it. Carolina quickly retaliated with a series of punches and jump kicks, forcing Meg off the runway.

Then something happened that made no sense, even for a fic like this. A huge flying saucer hovered directly over them, and the two girls were levitated inside. The saucer started to fly off, but their fight evidently went on, because the saucer shook violently and noisy crashes were heard from inside. Soon, explosions rocked the outside of the saucer and it plummetted back to Earth. It landed in another city near Quahog, rolling through the streets like a gigantic saw and levelling dozens of buildings. Once it rolled into the outskirts of the city, it finally came to a halt and fell over. Meg's mammoth body came crashing through the top of the saucer, and Carolina followed her out, bloodlust still in her eyes.

Meg wasn't about to stay down, however. As Carolina moved in, Meg lashed out with a kick to her face. Meg sprang up off the ground while Carolina was disoriented and looked around. The saucer had landed near some sort of junkyard, one that even had old school buses. There was also some steel cable lying around. Meg raised an eyebrow, an inspiration coming to her.

Meg quickly took two school buses and tied them together with the steel cable by their fenders, then did the same with another pair of buses. When Carolina finally got back up, she turned to see Meg holding a pair of improvised nunchakus. Meg decided to show off a little, making a flashy display of chucking them around. Her face was stoic and stony, silently daring Carolina to attack again.

Not to be outdone, Carolina improvised a weapon of her own. She grabbed a nearby tree and uprooted it, brandishing it like a staff. She leered back at Meg hatefully. "Now, prepare to get pwned!" she growled.

Meg stared back at the catgirl blankly. "'Pwned?'" she repeated. "What the hell is that? Isn't that spelled p-w-n-e-d? Doesn't that defy a whole bunch of rules of the English language?"

"Oh, it's Internet slang," replied Carolina. "It arose when someone misspelled 'owned'."

Suddenly, it dawned on Meg. "Oh, I get it! You're a Warcraft junkie! Nice to know I'm not the only girl in the world with no life."

Carolina let out a growl of animal fury as she came at Meg, swinging her tree. Meg deftly dashed aside to avoid it. She swung one of her bus-nunchakus, but Carolina brought up her tree-staff to block it. They stomped around the junkyard as they dueled with their weapons, neither giving the other an opening, neither of them giving any ground.

But at one point, Meg got careless. She clumsily swung at Carolina, who easily ducked and then brought the root end of her tree up into Meg's face. Meg fell, kicking up a huge cloud of dirt and machine parts. Carolina was on top of her before Meg could do anything, brandishing the claws on her left hand. Meg looked to her left, seeing one of her dropped bus-nunchakus, and reached for it.

Just as Carolina was swinging her hand down to slash Meg's face, a bus smashed into the side of Carolina's head. Carolina was knocked off of her, and Meg wasted no time. Meg pinned Carolina down and used her bus-nunchaku like a garrote, trying to choke the life out of the catgirl. After what seemed like forever, Carolina's body slumped limply to the ground, unmoving.

Meg stood up, breathing heavily, exhausted from her fight and aching all over. That was brutal. How does Dad manage all those fights with the chicken? she silently wondered, putting her glasses back on.

Just as that thought went through her head, she noticed a helicopter descending toward the junkyard...which looked like it was about to crash-land. And it did, but before crashing into a couple of buses and going up in flames, Peter and Ernie bailed out and rolled along the ground. Once they got up, they started punching and kicking each other, apparently oblivious of their daughters' presence.

Why am I not surprised? Meg thought to herself as she watched the fight down below. Ernie caught Peter off-guard by pecking him in the face, then knocked him backward a few feet with a quick left jab.

Even from her vantage point, Meg could see that her father wasn't doing too well. He didn't look like he'd last much longer, and Ernie was moving in for the kill.

Ernie smiled triumphantly over at his mortal enemy, fists at the ready. But his smug expression faded when he noticed a shadow had fallen over him. A quick glance around revealed it to be a hand-shaped shadow...and it was steadily getting smaller. Ernie finally looked up....

"PKAW!!!" was all Ernie got out before he was flattened underneath Meg's outstretched hand. Meg's hand smashed deep into the ground, creating a huge hand-shaped crater, and cracks spidered outward all around it.

The shockwave finally roused Peter, who stood up on wobbly legs. "Huh, what the hell?" he muttered, then noticed the hand-shaped crater right next to him.

"Don't worry Dad, your winning streak lives on," came Meg's thunderous voice from above. Peter looked up to see his gigantic daughter kneeling in front of him, looking mighty pleased with herself. "Looks like he did a number on you again, though."

"Damn Meg, you look like you've been through hell yourself," Peter noted, seeing Meg's bruised face and slashed forearm. "Wait a sec, that's right...what happened to this jackass's pet cat?"

Meg held up one of her bus-nunchakus and pulled the cable taut. "She wasn't much of a fighter either. You could say she...choked." Peter couldn't help but laugh at Meg's horrible pun, and Meg laughed along with him. In fact, her laugh sounded disturbingly like her father's. Eventually, Meg slowly lowered her outstretched hand down to the ground. "Come on, Dad, I'll give you a lift home," she said, motioning for him to climb on.

Peter stared at Meg's hand, hesitating for a moment. But finally, he climbed into the palm of her hand. Meg raised Peter up to her shoulder, and Peter jumped off there. He rode on her shoulder as Meg lumbered off back toward Quahog, leaving their enemies for dead.

But that was a mistake. Carolina's eyes snapped open just as Ernie climbed his way out of the hand-shaped crater. Both their eyes narrowed evilly. Needless to say, the family feud would rage on....

---

---

The following morning, Lois was busily cooking breakfast for her family. The rest of them tried to pretend everything was normal. Still, Lois couldn't just ignore how her daughter wasn't there at the table with the rest of them. And the others had a hard time forgetting her as well; Meg was still sleeping outside in her tent, but she was snoring. Sometimes her snoring was so loud, the windows rattled.

"I can't take it anymore!" yelled Chris, covering his ears. "Meg's been snoring like this since four this morning! And it's driving the evil monkey insane and he almost strangled me!!" As usual, everyone ignored the part about the evil monkey.

"Dear God, it's more hideous than Ashlee Simpson's voice when she actually TRIES to sing!!" Stewie cried out. "Can't ANYONE do anything!?"

"Hey, if you can find a snore-strip big enough for a honker like that, and if you're willing to climb all the way up Meg to put it on, be my guest," said Brian dryly.

"No thank you," said Stewie with a shudder. "I'd probably get sucked up that big schnoz...."

"Look on the bright side, you guys. At least she didn't fart again," Peter pointed out.

Lois sighed and walked out of the kitchen. Just what were they going to do about Meg? There was no telling how long it would be before Quahog's doctors and surgeons would be able to cure her. What were they supposed to do in the meantime?

A hundred different question went through Lois's mind at once as she opened the front door. She picked up the paper and read the front page, which had the headline, 'LOCAL GIRL BECOMES GIANT-SIZED MENACE: TERRORIZES COMMUNITY WITH FLATULENCE.' "Ugh, our family hasn't been front-page news like this since Peter foiled that terrorist plot," she said to herself.

---

A lone al-Qaeda jihadist had snuck into Quahog's water treatment plant, ready to dump poisonous chemicals into the water system. "Yes, soon the infidel Americans will feel the wrath of Allah, and...."

However, the terrorist was so busy rambling to himself, he didn't heed the sounds of an approaching car outside being driven erratically. All of a sudden, the Griffin wagon crashed through the wall and the hapless do-badder was pinned underneath the front end. Peter was at the wheel, reading a comic book. "Yeah, you bitch, he's the Juggernaut," he said stupidly. "Oh yes, he is."

---

Lois sighed as she read the story. It was bad enough that the rest of the family weren't being all that supportive. Now the rest of Quahog was turning against Meg? Well, that's nothing new, but....

The sound of approaching trucks made Lois look up. A truck towing a long trailer, along with a large tanker truck, were driving down the street, and then came to a stop in front of her house. "That must be the shipment of food Daddy sent for Meg. Finally!" said Lois, relieved. She turned and ran to the side of the house. "Meg, the trucks are...."

But Meg was one step ahead of her. No doubt she had heard the trucks as well, since a tremorous footstep almost knocked Lois off her feet. Lois looked up, only to see the sole of Meg's huge white sneaker coming straight down. "AHHH!" Lois screamed; she didn't even have time to cower in fear before Meg's foot came down. Luckily, Meg's foot missed her, but only by mere inches. The shockwave knocked Lois backward, slamming her into the side of the house.

"OWW!" Lois cried out as she stood up and rubbed her aching back. She turned back to the street, and her jaw dropped when she saw Meg had lifted one of the trucks right off the road. Meg ripped the trailer open and quickly started to empty its contents right into her mouth. Several tons of apples, pears, potatoes and many other fruits and vegetables went straight down the hatch; Meg didn't even give herself enough time to swallow one mouthful before stuffing her face again. "Meg, watch where you put your feet next time! You almost stepped on me!" Lois shouted up at her gigantic daughter. "And for the love of God, slow down! You'll choke if you eat too fast!"

Meg glared down at her mother with an exasperated look. "I can't help it, Mom! I'm HUNGRY! I've gone a whole day without eating anything!" Meg cried out, her voice making Lois's ears ring. Meg set the truck back down, then grabbed the tanker. She ripped it open and drank all the milk inside.

"C'mon Meg, just because you're as big as a Japanese movie monster doesn't mean you gotta have the table manners of one," Lois muttered as Meg scooped up the first truck again. She started snarfing down the rest of the food in there. However, she suddenly stopped, a look of confusion etched on her face. Meg reached into her mouth and pulled out one of the illegal Mexican immigrants that worked on the Pewterschmidts' estate. Meg just stared at the man held between her fingers, wondering how he had gotten in that truck. Eventually, she set him down on the street; as soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran off screaming something in Spanish.

It wasn't long before Meg went back to stuffing her face. Meg tilted her head back and emptied the rest of the food into her mouth, shaking the truck to make sure she got every last morsel. When Meg finally swallowed the last mouthful, she carelessly let the truck drop down with a crash, then dropped down into a sitting position on her front lawn with a deafening thud. Lois warily looked up at her titanic daughter as she sat motionless, her face blank and unreadable.

Meg crossed her arms in front of her chest, resting them on her knees, and she buried her face in them a second later. The sound of her sobbing and sniffling filled the air. "Oh Meg," Lois said softly, walking over to her, but was forced to jump aside when Meg's feet suddenly shifted, almost knocking her over. Damnit, again? Lois thought acidly. Out loud, she said, "Meg, talk to me, honey. What's wrong now?"

Meg picked her head up, looking down at her mother through tear-soaked glasses. Lois was standing between her legs; it was like being in between two tall trees wrapped in denim. For a moment, Meg remained silent. Then she finally blurted out, "What's WRONG!? Do you even have to ask!? I've been turned into this hideous, monstrous freak! A monstrous freak that has to scarf down truckloads of food like some movie monster! And there's no telling when someone can cure me!" Meg thundered. "Who knows if it's even POSSIBLE to cure me!?"

"Oh Meg, don't be so pessimistic!" Lois implored, trying to think of something reassuring to say.

Unfortunately, nothing else came to mind, and Meg continued to rant. "And y'know what the funny thing is? I always envied everyone else in the family, because everyone else had some talent, something that made them special. You're a pianist and a black belt in tae-jitsu, Dad played for the Patriots and writes erotic novels, Chris is an artist.... Well, here's my claim to fame: turning into an 100-foot tall freak! Careful what you wish for, huh!?"

"C'mon Meg, don't be so down on yourself," came Brian's voice. Lois turned around to see that the rest of the family had come out of the house, no doubt having been unable to ignore Meg's booming voice.

"Yeah, things'll be fine once they get that rock out of your ass," said Chris.

"Yeah, and there's plenty of good things about you," said Brian. "You've proven you're a hard worker. And, well, err...." Brian's voice trailed off as he thought of something else to add.

"Oh, you can do that bird calling thing," Peter interjected.

"Oh yeah, like that was really useful," said Meg darkly, remembering their run-in with Big Bird.

"Aw, c'mon, don't let that discourage you. Give it another try," said Peter. Lois just sighed. She doubted this would help lift Meg's spirits, but anything was worth a try.

Meg sighed heavily as well, then tried her bird call. For a few moments, nothing happened. But then, the air was filled with the sound of thundering footsteps, as if something was stampeding down the street. The Griffins turned to see a whole herd of chocobos running down the street; one of them had a racing harness, and Cloud Strife had his foot caught in it and he was being dragged along the street painfully.

Everyone stared blankly as the chocobos ran further and further down the road. Peter broke the uneasy silence. "Wait wait, you're just out of practice, that's all. Go on, give it another try."

Meg shook her head, but took Peter's advice anyway. She let out another low whistle. Again, nothing happened for a few seconds, but it wasn't long before the silence was shattered by another unwelcome sound. This time, however, it was the cawing of several thousand ravens.

The rest of Meg's family looked up to see thousands of birds descending fast, crashing into houses and smashing through windows. "HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP!" Peter screamed over and over as they were besieged by legions of crazed, homicidial ravens. They all ran in desperation, eventually coming across a conveniently loacted phone booth. All five of them miraculously managed to squeeze inside and take refuge, though it was a VERY tight fit.

"'Oh, you can still do that bird calling thing,'" parroted Stewie mockingly, his voice barely audible over the sound of birds crashing into the glass of the phone booth. "Can you possibly do any more damage in the next five seconds?"

Stewie got his answer when Peter suddenly said, "Everyone, the crap was literally scared out of me."

---

The rest of the morning passed by slowly, but fortunately it also passed by quietly and uneventfully. Meg spent all that time sulking in her tent, wondering just what she was going to do next. What was she supposed to do until a cure for her condition was found, if there even was one? What was she supposed to do about food? She couldn't keep relying on her grandfather's money forever. And spring break would be over in less than a week. How was she supposed to attend school when she could flatten it with one false step? How could she hope to ever fit in when she couldn't even fit inside the school, or any other building?

Just when I thought things couldn't get any more screwed-up, this happens, Meg thought to herself as she stared blankly at the top of the tent. It's always been an uphill battle to fit in...with anyone, even my own family. Now....

A series of loud popping noises from outside snapped Meg out of her thoughts. Curious, Meg carefully crawled out of her tent and walked out to the front of the house. Meg looked down to see her father firing what looked like an AK-47 in the air, which was obviously meant to scare off a group of people who had gathered on the front lawn. At first, Meg had no idea who they were, but when she could make out Peter's angry cry of "Damn reporters from Dateline," it was easy to guess.

Meg sighed and shook her head. She shouldn't known the peace and quiet wouldn't last forever. She should've known it wouldn't be too long before all sorts of reporters would flock to her home and, like the leeches they were, try to destroy what little privacy she had left. Meg winced inwardly when she saw that one of the reporters had spotted her and aimed a camera up at her; a sudden urge to cry almost got the best of her. She always wanted to be popular, but not like this. "And stay away!" Peter shouted as the reporters drove off, emptying the rest of his ammo into the air for good measure.

Just then, Lois stormed out of the house. "Peter, when I asked you if the reason you took out your illegal stash of assault rifles was to scare off the press, you said 'No!'" she shouted angrily at her husband. "You LIED to me again!"

Her parents began arguing vehemently, and Meg tried with all her might to tune them out. However, even though their voices were very distant to her, their heated words seemed to drill into her skull...especially Peter's comments about how half the Dateline specials were about freakshows. She knew Peter meant to say that she didn't belong on such a special, but still....

"ENOUGH YOU TWO!!" Meg thundered. Lois and Peter, finally realizing Meg had been hovering over them, looked up to see Meg looming over their house. "Dad, I appeciate the sentiments, but let's face it, I AM a freakshow."

"Oh Meg, don't...." Lois began, but Meg cut her off.

"There's no point denying it Mom, I'll NEVER have anything close to a normal life now," said Meg, tearing up again. "How am I supposed to finish high school!? And how will I ever find another boyfriend if I'm stuck like this!?"

"Well, Meg, I'm sure we can find some way to get around the problem with school," said Lois, trying to sound optimistic. "And as for a boyfriend, well, don't lose hope, Meg. The right boy will come along eventually, you'll see. And I've heard that there's plenty of men out there who have a thing for, umm, tall girls," she finished, laughing nervously.

Meg's brow furrowed in frustration as Lois said that last part. "Mom, you've GOT to be kidding me!!" Meg shouted, loudly enough to make all the windows in the house rattle. "Are you actually trying to tell me there might be guys out there who get TURNED ON by the idea of a girl as tall as the Statue of Liberty!?"

"Uh, well, let's face it Meg, lots of people have kinky tendencies," Peter offered delicately. "I mean, look at the Belmont family. All that whipping and leather just makes you wonder...."

"You two are unbelievable!" Meg cried out, her thunderous voice once again making her parents wince. "Mom, you seriously can't expect me to believe there are boys out there that sick and twisted! What kind of boy would be demented enough to fantasize about a girl big enough to dominate him completely and play with him like he was a doll!? What kind of guy wants to commit to someone who's potentially a one-woman harbinger of destruction!? Who!? Tell me, WHO!?"

"Oh, never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine a day like this would come," came a dreamy voice from behind Meg, making her eyes widen. Even though Meg could barely hear it, she recognized it instantly. Meg turned around and looked down to see Neil Goldman, the nerdy boy who had been obessively enamored with her for years, standing beside her feet, looking up at her with a hypnotized look. "I couldn't believe it when I read the paper, but you've truly transformed into the goddess I've always imagined you as."

Meg just stared down at Neil with a disgusted look on her face. "Oh, WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED!?" she finally exclaimed. For as long as she could remember, Neil had always been drooling over her...and just her luck, she was now the living embodiment of his darkest jerk-off fantasies. She glared down at him again, and suddenly got the urge to bring her foot down on him and rid herself of this pest forever; her foot actually twitched a little as she thought about it.

The gesture was not lost on Neil. "Meg, if I were to meet my end underneath your feet...I couldn't imagine a better way to go." Meg felt so revolted she nearly gagged. How demented did a guy have to be to fantasize about Godzilla-sized girls stomping on him!?

"I don't believe it," said Lois, walking up to Neil. "I was just joking about that, but you mean to tell me there're boys out there who're into this sort of thing?"

"You'd be surprised how many. Ever since the Internet came along, thousands of people found out they had a common interest and set up entire websites around it," said Neil. "Everything from artwork, collages, stories, homemade film...."

"Whoa whoa, wait a minute? Did you say "'homemade film?'" Peter asked suddenly.

"Oh absolutely. Lots of people make plenty of money selling DVDs with giantess-related material," replied Neil.

Peter scratched his chin, apparently lost in thought. Lois had no idea what he could possibly be pondering, but then it suddenly hit her. "Peter, you can't possibly be thinking of using your new digital camcorder and making Meg star in fetish videos!" Lois snapped angrily.

"Actually, I was busy trying to picture Wonder Woman and Supergirl wrestling in an inflatable pool full of pink Jell-O, but hey, that idea's a winner too," said Peter quickly.

---

The next day, all was relatively quiet in the waters surrounding Quahog's docks. However, unseen by anyone working at the docks was the arrival of something that could easily shatter that fragile peace. Swimming quickly toward the docks was an enormous great white shark, and one would be correct in assuming that this great white was the infamous Jaws. And as Family Guy fans know, Jaws has a voice not unlike Bruce the gay hypnotherapist.

"Hmmm, I think I smell some blood over by the east," said Jaws. "Lots of it, too. Must be a mighty big shipwreck...or maybe that Rob Zombie fella's filmin' yet another Poseidon remake. Either way, this oughta be fun. Hang on fellas, ol' Jaws is comin' to join the party."

With that, Jaws took off like a torpedo, swimming at top speed toward the east. "Hmmm, I think I can smell plenty of protein and vitamins in that blood too. Oh, but I ate a whole seal earlier this morning. Oh, but that's OK, I've been doin' plenty of swimming. Getting lots of exercise, and...."

But Jaws had been so lost in thought, talking to himself, that he wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings...namely, two colossal flesh-colored pillars very close by. As he passed them, a pair of gigantic hands plunged into the water with lightning-quick speed and grabbed hold of the great white. Jaws flailed about helplessly in those huge hands as he was effortlessly lifted up out of the water, and he was brought up to Meg's billboard-sized face.

Meg stood just off the shore, waist-high in the water, wearing her red two-piece swimsuit, holding the panicking shark firmly in both hands. She stared at the shark intently, her face stoic and unreadable. This was supposed to be one of the deadlest predators in the sea, but Meg was over four times as tall as Jaws was long, and had caught him with ridiculous ease. She stared at him a little longer, then reared her head back slightly, and....

"AHHHH!!! OH MY GOD!!! AUUGGHH!!" came the hysterical screams of the great white as tombstone-sized teeth dug deep into his belly, spewing blood all over Meg's face. With manners that would make Big Boss's survival tactics look downright gentlemanly, Meg ravenously tore into Jaws's writhing body, eating him alive and tearing off every single bit of edible flesh. It took her a few minutes, but Meg eventually devoured Jaws entirely, leaving nothing but a bloody skeleton.

With a sigh, Meg threw Jaws's skeleton away, forcing some people on the beach to scatter. She wiped the blood off her face and looked down. Idly floating by her waist washer father's fishing boat. Peter stood on deck beside Chris, who was holding the camcorder and filming the whole spectacle. "That's good, Meg. But let's bag another one. And this time, let's show more passion, more carnal delight...."

"Ugh, Dad, why!?" Meg implored. "Isn't one enough? And besides, it's not like it's gonna be easy keeping that down." Just then, Meg felt a sudden surge of nausea and had to cover her mouth. Eating an entire shark, alive and raw, was even more revolting than she had imagined.

"C'mon Meg, you heard what Neil said. Guys like him love it when a girl lets primal instinct take over. They'll go nuts over stuff like this," Peter replied.

"Dad, come on, this is humiliating!" cried Meg. "I can't believe I let you talk me into this! Whatever possessed you to make your daughter star in what basically amounts to softcore fetish porn!?"

"Meg, you said you were worried about money, right?" Peter retorted. "If you know another way we can make a mint overnight, I'm all ears. Besides, at least there's free seafood in it for you."

Meg let out another exasperated sigh. I hate to admit it, but Dad's right...for once, she thought defeatedly. Ugh, it's a good thing I was wearing my swimsuit under my clothes before this happened. At least I won't get my only set of clothes ruined. Meg carefully plucked a harpoon off the deck, then made a small cut in the palm of her hand. She plunged her hand back in the water, fighting back tears as she felt the sting of the salty water. Oh come on Meg, it's not like this is the first time. I wonder if Mom thought I was joking when I said I cut myself....

Meg pulled her hand back out of the water, watching intently more more sharks to come and investigate. Meanwhile, Brian stood on deck sipping a martini, watching everything with an air of detached amusement. While waiting for Meg to spot and catch another shark, he heard Stewie mumbling to himself. Brian turned to see Stewie standing beside him, looking as if he was going to be violently sick. "What the hell's your problem?" Brian asked.

"Ugh, staring at Meg's fat carcass...I can't take anymore," Stewie said weakly.

"Oh come on, Meg is not THAT fat," said Brian tersely.

"Are you seroius!? Just LOOK at that spare tire around her! And now, it's like viewing everything close-up, the sickening effect of every little jiggle magnified and...ACK! Just thinking about it turns my brain inside-out!!" cried Stewie.

"Well, you won't have to worry for a while. Meg just dove underwater," Brian lied.

"Oh thank God. At least now I...." Stewie began, but the instant he looked up and got another look at Meg's midsection, he promptly leaned over the railing and vomited profusely. Brian simply smirked and took another sip of his martini.

After failing to catch any more sharks, Meg decided they should get on with the next part of the film. And so, Meg slowly made her way to the shore, prompting dozens of people on the beach to scatter in a panic. Oh, go ahead and run, Meg thought dryly as she stepped onto the beach. It's not like any of you cared about me before. Still, the sight of everyone fleeing from her in terror cut deep, despite how hard she tried to steel herself against it.

Peter's fishing boat had now come as close to the shore as possible. "Let's just get this over with," Meg called out to him.

For the next few minutes, Chris filmed Meg as she tried to make the most alluring, provocative poses she could on the beach. "Uh, Peter, are you really sure this video will take off?" asked Brian delicately as Meg continued to pose. "Don't get me wrong, Meg's far from ugly, but boys have never exactly considered her a prime catch."

"Brian, trust me, for our target audience, she's pretty much the ONLY fish in the sea," Peter said confidently.

---

It wasn't long after that before they were finally done with their filming session at the beach. A couple hours later, they gathered again at a junkyard...the very same junkyard where Meg had laid the smackdown on Ernie and Carolina's candy asses. Amazingly, the fact that their bodies were nowhere to be seen didn't seem to bother anyone in the very least.

"Dad, please explain to me what I'm supposed to be doing here again," Meg demanded, glaring down at the others with her hands on her hips. She was still wearing her swimsuit, and while waiting to dry off so she could put her clothes back on, Peter suggested they film her doing something else.

"Meg, we went through this already. Guys like Neil just love it the idea of a big girl going on a rampage, and most really love seeing stuff get crushed underfoot. All you gotta do is mash a few junked cars flat, and then we're done here," said Peter matter-of-factly.

Meg slapped herself on her forehead. "This has got to be the single most humiliating thing I've ever had to do," she mumbled to herself. She looked down at all the toy-sized cars around her, almost beckoning to be squashed underfoot. I just don't get it...not only are there guys out there who dream of girls as big as me, but get off on the idea of giant girls wreaking havoc and crushing things!? I can't believe even NEIL is that messed up!! she thought with disgust. She had always wanted boys to notice her, but being drooled over because she embodied their deepest, darkest fantasy was NOT what she had in mind!

After wrestling with her doubts a while longer, Meg once again decided it was best to just get it over with. She raised one foot high in the air, then brought it down on the first car as forcefully as she could. The headlights and front fender went flying off, and the rest of the car was almost completely flattened just from stomping on it once. Remembering what was expected of her, Meg stomped on the car a couple more times, then ground it into the dirt for good measure. The rest of the family was standing several dozen feet away, far enough to avoid getting knocked off their feet from the shockwaves. Chris had the camera on a tripod, and was able to film everything perfectly.

Satisfied that the first car was thoroughly demolished, Meg raised her foot again, ready to bring it down on the next car...a yellow, beat-up looking Volkswagon bug. But right before she could mash it, it suddenly transformed into Bumblebee. "Damnit lady, can't an Autobot get a little peace and quiet anymore!?" he said acerbically before transforming again and driving off.

Meg and the others stared as Bumblebee sped off. "What, ANOTHER Transformer!?" Meg said suddenly. "I think the author's running out of ideas already."

"Uh, Meg, you do realize that just because you're a potentially unstoppable engine of destruction, it doesn't mean you have to bring the fourth wall crashing down," Brian said dryly.

---

After about another hour at the junkyard, Meg was finally dry and put her clothes back on. Peter finally decided to wrap things up for the day. And so, he drove on home, with Meg cautiously following behind him. Fortunately, traffic wasn't that bad, but Meg took no chances, carefully making every step to avoid stepping on any cars. And if that weren't enough, having to carefully step over power lines and overpasses every few seconds was a nerve-racking nuisance as well. Things were bad enough already; Meg couldn't afford any mistakes and rack up any damage bills.

Eventually, though, they made it to the outskirts of Quahog. In a few more minutes, they'd finally be home. Finally, Meg thought. After all that stuff today, I just want to crawl into my tent and sleep....

As Meg slowly made her way through the city streets, however, she saw a bright flash out of the corner of her eye. She turned to face it, and gasped when she saw an apartment building was ablaze. Meg looked ahead again, watching her family speed off, oblivious to what was going on. She then looked back over to the apartment building that was on fire. She didn't know why she did it, what she hoped to accomplish, but she turned and made her way toward the building.

Meg crossed the few city blocks leading to the apartment building in less than a minute. When she finally made it, she shocked to find that, though crowds had gathered all around the building, no fire trucks were there at all. What the hell!? Meg thought fearfully as she looked around. It looks like this fire's been raging for a while, so where the hell are....

Then she finally spotted blinking lights a few blocks away, but they weren't moving at all. Growing more fearful by the second, Meg lumbered over to where the fire trucks had inexplicably stopped. It turned out there was a ridiculously long pile-up of wrecked cars, all apparently caused by the greased-up deaf guy running out aimlessly in the intersection.

Meg shook her head, making a mental note to teach the greased-up deaf guy a lesson later. Ignoring the shocked cries of the people, she reached over the intersection and grabbed a fire truck in each hand. She had no trouble lifting the fire trucks right of the road. Then, with the fire trucks safely tucked underneath her arms, Meg ran back to the burning building. Meg set the trucks down next to the fire hydrants. After a few seconds, the firefighters finally got out, staring up at Meg with confused looks. "Never mind about me! GET TO WORK!!" she screamed vehemently, pointing at the burning building. Fortunately, the firefighters got the hint and got to work setting up their gear. Soon enough, the firefighters were busy dousing the smoldering flames and evacuating those still trapped inside.

Meg stood back and silently watched everything, praying that she had gotten the firefighters here in time. At least I was finally able to put my size to good use, she thought as she looked on with a fearful heart, watching badly-burned people being evacuated out of the apartment building and taken off of balconies that looked ready to collapse. As she watched, she noticed one balcony that WAS about to collapse, and two little boys were standing on it, screaming hysterically. And no firefighters on a ladder were there to get them. Meg instinctively leaned over the crowd with her hand outstretched just as the boys began to fall. They landed safely in the palm of Meg's hand, and she gently lowered them down to the street. The two of them jumped off once they were low enough, staring up at the colossal girl with confused looks.

Satisfied that they were safe, Meg stood back up and looked back at the blazing apartment building. Several minutes had passed, but it didn't look like the firefighters had made much headway in putting out the fire. Even worse, she could still hear the terrified cries of people still trapped inside over the roar of the flames. Meg decided she couldn't just stand there and watch any longer. But what could I possibly do!? she thought to herself as she looked down around the burning building. It was then that she spotted an unused fire hydrant.

Meg walked over to the fire hydrant and knelt down. They better not stick me with the repair bill for this, she thought. With a flick of her finger, Meg knocked the fire hydrant right off the sidewalk. The results were predictable. A huge geyser of water rocketed upward from where Meg had flicked the fire hydrant away. Meg stuck her head right over the water and sucked in as much as her mouth could hold, then stood back up and spat all the water through a window, instantly dousing the flames inside. Meg knelt back down to fill her mouth with water again, then repeated the process and spewed it through another window. Even over the noise of the geysering water and raging flames, Meg could still hear the gasps and cries of all the surprised people below, but Meg paid them no attention, focusing solely on putting out as much of the fire as she could. Hopefully, this'll let the firefighters get everyone out, Meg thought.

After a while, it seemed Meg had succeeded. It looked as if over half the fires had gone out, and firefighters were evacuating people out of the building in droves. Meg took a step back, overwhelmed with relief. Finally, she had been able to do something good....

"MEG!!" came a booming voice from below. Meg looked down to see Peter and the others, all standing by her feet. Chris was using the camcorder again, and Peter was holding a megaphone. "Meg, I don't believe it...you're a hero!" he yelled. Meg just smiled to herself. She didn't do what she did just to make herself look good, but it felt gratifying to have saved so many lives.

"Yeah, you're like a gigantic superhero!" said Chris, leaning over to speak into the megaphone. "Only you don't have to wear tights, since no one wants to see that anyway."

Meg's face immediately fell. "Thanks a lot Chris."

Brian then grabbed the megaphone from Peter. "Uhh, Meg, just to be safe...maybe you shouldn't be standing away from the building like that."

Meg raised an eyebrow. "Huh? Why not?"

Meg got her answer when she had another bout of uncontrollable, explosive flatulence. Her fart reignited the fires in the apartment building, and within seconds it collapsed entirely. If that was all that happened, it wouldn't have been so bad, since everyone had finally been evacuated. However, balls of flame had shot out all around, and fires started in some of the surrounding buildings.

"That's why," said Brian flatly.

Meg stared in disbelief at the damage she had unintentionally brought about after trying so hard to help everyone. So much for being a hero, Meg thought dejectedly as she bent over to suck up more water.

---

It was morning in the Griffin household, and the television was on, tuned into the morning news. Specifically, Quahog 5 News, meaning that whoever was watching was being treated to the most spectacularly dysfunctional pair of news anchors in the history of mankind, Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.

"And now, we move on to an update on what has, quite literally, become the BIGGEST story to ever hit Quahog," said Tom Tucker as a mugshot of Meg appeared in the top right corner of the screen. "So far, scientists have yet to find a way to reverse Meg Griffin's condition. In the meantime, word has it that she is working on some sort of independent movie with her family. But last night, Meg Griffin made headlines again when she helped in the rescue of people trapped in a burning apartment building, first by delivering stalled fire trucks right to its doorstep and then spitting water directly into the building."

At this point, the program cut away to footage recorded by some other bystander, right when Meg turned around to talk to her family. And of course, seconds later, she is shown cutting loose which a huge fart and reigniting the apartment building. "But then she had to go and screw things up, choosing the worst possible time to blow a big one," Tom added dryly.

"In the meantime, we've tried to arrange an interview with the local would-be hero," Diane cut in. "So now, we go to our Asian Correspondent, Tricia Takanawa."

The program cut away again, this time to where their reporter currently was. She was standing inside Meg's tent, next to a tall wall of pink fabric that was undoubtedly Meg's backside. "Thank you, Diane," said Tricia Takanawa. "I am here in the girl's tent, behind her family's house. I was forced to sneak in, since her father made it very clear any reporters would be shot on sight. Unfortunately, at the moment Meg Griffin is sleeping, and...." But Tricia was cut off when Meg suddenly rolled over, and she ended up getting pinned under Meg's massive arm. Only her hand, still holding onto the microphone, was visible, poking out from underneath Meg's arm.

The show cut back to Tom and Diane. "Thank you, Tricia," said Diane nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened. "We'll have sports, right after this."

---

Lois grabbed the remote and turned the television off. It brought her blood to a boil every time Meg was trotted out in the news since her transformation, and the fact that Peter was using her in an independent movie on top of that did not help her mood any. "Oh, what are we going to do about Meg?" she wondered out loud. "Even when she tries her hardest to do something good, something has to go horribly wrong...."

Just then, Peter, Brian and Chris walked into the living room, heading for the front door. At first, she had no idea what they were doing up so early; Peter was carrying a backpack and boxes filled with who-knew-what. But when she saw that Chris was carrying their digital camcorder, it wasn't too hard to guess. "Peter, you're going to start shooting again THIS EARLY!?" she asked impatiently. "And don't you have work today, anyway?"

"Exactly," said Peter matter-of-factly. "I wanna take Meg down to the brewery and shoot some scenes there. I'm gonna talk with the marketing department too, see if they'll make Meg the new company mascot or something like that...."

Lois felt like her head was going to explode. "Peter, you can't be serious!!" she screamed. "You scare off all the reporters saying you didn't want her exploited, but then you turn around and make her star in this humiliating movie and try to get her to do beer commercials!? What the HELL are you thinking!? Did you ever stop to consider how Meg feels about all this, that she probably hates us all for making her do this!?"

"Actually, we just figured that if Meg really hated us for it, we'd all be greasy stains on the front lawn by now," said Brian darkly.

Lois slapped her forehead. "She's probably just going along with it because she doesn't want to disappoint her family, especially her father," Lois suggested. "Right now, she's probably more confused and lost than she's ever been, and I have a bad feeling that after what happened last night it'll only get worse."

"After what happened last night? All Meg did was save a few dozen people from a raging inferno," said Brian.

"And accidently destroyed the building completely in the process," said Lois. "Look, I just have a nasty feeling that everyone in the city is going to get more anxious about Meg with each passing day. People always fear what they don't understand and let that fear override their better judgment. Who knows what the people of Quahog will do if they let their fear get out of hand?"

"Oh yeah, right Lois," Peter fired back mockingly. "Like, what can anyone in Quahog do to her? Hire a bunch of hit men?"

---

Meg slowly crawled out of her tent, apparently ignorant of the fact that she probably just killed Tricia Takanawa in her sleep. She stood up to her full height, stretched, and yawned...a yawn that probably woke up everyone in the neighborhood. Meg then furtively glanced down around the ground, as if to make sure no one was watching her. Meg was apparently satisfied that no one was around, for she leaned over into the Swansons' backyard and took a huge gulp of water from their swimming pool, then splashed her face with the remaining water.

"Ack, chlorine," said Meg bitterly as she stood back up. However, as she did so, several Ewoks jumped off from the top of a tall tree in her backyard, screaming a passionate war cry as they landed on her head. "Hey, what the hell!?" Meg screamed in confusion as the furry little buggers started to hack away at her face and neck with tomahawks. And it didn't help when a bunch of other Ewoks showed up, flying in on crude hanggliders and dropping big rocks on her head.

As she tried to brush off all the Ewoks, Meg stormed out into the street. Several Ewoks had been waiting for her in her front yard with a rope, hoping to trip her. But once her foot snagged on the rope, she ended up just dragging them along. And to top it all off, even more Ewoks showed up in a hijacked AT-ST walker and started blasting away. Meg ran down the street in a blind panic, flailing her arms and screaming in pain as the AT-ST pelted her ass with blaster fire.

---

Several minutes later, Meg dragged herself back to her house, all the while trying to remove the last few tomahawks that had gotten lodged in her face. She stopped in front of her house, where her family was waiting. She just stared down at them as she tried to catch her breath.

"NOW do you believe me?" said Lois angrily, glowering at Peter. "I told you things were going to get worse, didn't I?"

"I don't believe it," said Meg breathlessly as she picked the last tomahawk out of her cheek. "I saved so many people from that burning building yesterday, and how am I repaid? I get a bunch of homicidal teddy bears sicked on me."

"Well, you gotta give the little buggers some credit," said Brian. "They certainly did better than the yahoos who crossed your path the other day."

---

Meg stood in Quahog's park, and near her feet stood General Zod, flanked by Ursa and Non. "I command you...KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" demanded the megalomaniacal Kryptonian, pointing up at Meg.

For a moment, Meg just stared down at the three Kryptonians with that piercing, annoyed glare, the way only Meg can. But suddenly, she did indeed get down on one knee and knelt before them...and half-a-second later she pivoted on one foot and did an 180 degree turn. It was then that she let out another explosive fart.

All three of them were blown away, right into another one of those Phantom Zone trap thingies, which was quickly propelled far from Earth's surface and into the blackness of space.

---

"Like mother like daughter," Peter added.

"That's not the point!" Lois shouted. "If we're not careful, everyone in Quahog will eventually turn on us."

Peter regarded Lois carefully for a moment, then finally relented. "You're right, Lois," said Peter, the growing determination in his voice palpable. "By God, I'm gonna do everything I can to get the people of Quahog to appreciate our freakishly mammoth, monstrously frightening daughter." He said that loudly enough so that Meg could hear him clearly, and she simply sighed and shook her head.

"Oh lovely. I hope this goes better than when you tried to get Tarja Turunen back together with Nightwish," Brian said dryly.

---

Peter stood in the middle of a backstage room in a colosseum. To his right was Tarja Turunen, wearing that ugly yellow raincoat and looking like her usual queen-of-the-night self. To Peter's left stood the four remaining band members of Nightwish: Tuomas Holopainen, Marko Hietala, Erno Vuorien and Jukka Nevalainen.

"Now come on, you guys, you've been together almost ten years. There's no sense in breaking up and kicking Tarja out now," Peter pleaded, putting one arm supportively around Tarja's shoulders. Tarja just rolled her eyes. "Sure, she's acted like a real prima donna as of late, flying on a separate plane with her husband, acted as if her opinion was the only one that mattered, seemed like she cared to much about the business side of music...." As Peter rambled on, Tarja started looking more and more pissy.

Completely oblivious to this, Peter went on. "And sure, the rest of the band acted like absolute assholes by saying all this in an open letter, trotting out this whole mess in public instead of face-to-face, which pretty much amounted to stabbing a lifelong friend in the back, and...."

At about the same time, all five of them starting beating on Peter's ass in unison. In the span of a few seconds, Peter was reduced to a bloody pulp lying helplessly on the floor, and they simply left him there as they stormed out.

---

Meg thought things couldn't get worse after that dismal morning, but she was soon proven wrong. More humiliating and exhausting filming sessions, at the brewery and elsewhere, had taken up most of the day. Now that night had finally fallen, it was all Meg could do to drag herself back home...and barely avoid stepping on any cars or pedestrians in the process.

"Thank God this day is over with," Meg said breathlessly as she crawled into her tent, ignoring the vehement curses of people she had just passed by. She was too tired and emotionally drained to think, to care about what anyone else thought of her at the moment. Meg collapsed noisily onto the ground, her legs still poking outside the tent. Almost instantly, she drifted off into a state of half-sleep, her eyes barely staying open. No doubt she would have fallen completely asleep soon enough, had not the faint cries of her little (VERY little to her now) brother right outside her tent.

It took a few minutes for Meg to muster the will to prop herself back up. "Ugh, what does he want now?" Meg grumbled under her breath as she crawled backwards out of her tent. She rose to a sitting position and glared down at the ground. Chris was there in the background, along with the gothic rock band he used to perform with. Also with them was a black-haired woman in what looked like an ugly yellow raincoat, who was looking up at her with an anxious expression that seemed dangerously close to outright terror.

"Hey Meg, I know you've been depressed lately, and I thought if my old band put on a show for you, it'd cheer you up," said Chris. "And while I was in town today, look who I found who agreed to be a guest singer? Tarja Turunen!"

"Wait a minute, you said this was for a charity," Tarja snapped nervously, turning to Chris.

"Uhh, it is," Chris said quickly. "It's for the, err, 'Keep Meg Happy So She Doesn't Go Godzilla On Quahog' charity." Meg bit back a whole litany of retorts, almost losing her temper again.

Tarja sighed. "Oh well, might as well, now that I'm here."

"Uhh, Chris, why'd you think this would cheer me up?" asked Meg. "It's not like I hate symphonic metal or anything, but...it was never really my thing."

"Uhh, well, I just thought since most of Nightwish's songs and Tarja's solos tend to be dark and angsty, it'd kind of fit your mood," explained Chris. "Plus, Tarja seems a natural to perform for you, since she knows what it's like to be ostracized and backstabbed by friends and...."

"You know kid, you lack of tact is awfully familiar. Can't put my finger on who it reminds me of, though," grumbled Tarja. "Can we start now?" Meg couldn't help but nod in agreement.

After that, Chris got the hint, and his band began to play. Chris and Tarja burst into song not too long after that. As tired as she was, Meg resisted the urge to tell them all to blow off and instead tried to enjoy the performance. Part of it had to do with the fact she was actually touched by Chris's thoughtfulness...even though his reasoning behind this performance annoyed her. And she had to admit that the band played very well, and that Chris and Tarja made a good duet. Plus, Meg couldn't deny it felt gratifying that this performance involving a celebrity was being made just for her.

As the performance went on, Herbert eventually crept up beside Chris, awkwardly holding a cigarette lighter with one trembling hand. Meg simply ignored him, still listening attentively to the band. But not long after that, Peter stormed out of the house and approached them. "Hey Chris, what the hell is with all this noise? I thought you quit this band."

The performance came to an abrupt halt. Tarja glanced back at Chris, then back over at Peter. "Now it all makes sense," she said testily.

"Hey Tarja," Peter said cordially, blissfully ignorant of the shift in Tarja's mood. "How's the...." But Peter was cut off when Tarja grabbed Herbert's walker and threw it at Peter, with Herbert still holding onto it, flooring Peter instantly.

---

It didn't take Peter too long to recover from having an elderly man chucked at him, though, and several hours later was sitting comfortably on the sofa and watching television. However, he had a nagging feeling that Lois would walk in and pester him about Meg at any minute. Peter still didn't understand why Lois was making such a fuss about their independent movie. How else were they suppose to raise enough cash to take care of their daughter until Quahog's doctors were ready to probe her ass? And besides, if Meg truly had a problem with it, why'd she agree to it? He couldn't very well try and force her to do ANYTHING against her will anymore...not unless he was itching to be a big, bloody pancake.

Just as he feared, Lois came storming into the living room, looking ready for another argument. "Peter, we need to have a serious talk," she pleaded. Peter sighed and turned to his wife, ready for another boring lecture. But thankfully, Chris and Brian chose that exact moment to walk in and stave off Lois's tirade.

"Good news, Dad!" exclaimed Chris. "Brian's been busy putting the final touches on the website we've set up for the movie, and the preview trailer's been downloaded half-a-million times since yesterday!"

"And what's more, the site's getting so much traffic, our e-mail account has been flooded with offers from online advertisers. They're offering to pay through the nose to have their advertising banners on the site," added Brian.

Peter glanced back at Lois, regarding her smugly. "You see, Lois? With this movie, we'll make more than enough dough to ride out Meg's growing pains."

Lois seemed to choke on her words, as if unsure how to attack Peter next. Eventually, though, she found her voice and said, "Peter, all this doesn't change the fact that, well, it's like we're capitalizing on Meg's plight. She's already been traumatized enough already, and by forcing her to parade herself around this way, we're only dumping salt into gaping emotional wounds."

"Lois, please, we've been through this before: Meg's NOT being forced to do anything. She's CHOSEN to go along with this," Peter pointed out. "If Meg had a real problem with it, then she wouldn't go along with it."

"Maybe it's because she doesn't want to disappoint you," Lois suggested. "Sometimes it seems like she's desperate to win your approval, and that would explain why she'd be willing to stoop to this. To be brutally honest, oftentimes you're not a very supportive and understanding father to Meg."

"Actually, when it comes to Meg, neither of you have exactly been model parents as of late," Brian interjected.

Lois shot Brian a scything look, which silenced him instantly. Lois turned back to Peter. "Peter, I've tried to get Meg to talk to me, but so far I haven't gotten through to her. It's like she's built a brick wall around her heart, and maybe it'll be a different story if her father tries to reach her. But in all your shooting sessions, you haven't really tried to...."

"OK OK, I get the point," Peter said aloofly, hoping to mollify his wife. "I'll go talk to her." At first, Lois looked overjoyed that she haf finally convinced Peter to take Meg's plight seriously, but her hopes were crushed when he added, "Right after this special is over. It's the greatest moments in wrestling.... OH! Here's the time where Triple H called out General Grievous!"

On the TV screen, both Triple H and General Grievous are seen standing in the ring. Triple H jawed away on a microphone and pointed his finger accusatorily at Grievous. "Because I am The Game, and I am THAT DAMN GOOD!!" he finished.

For several moments Grievous stood perfectly still, carefully regarding Triple H, with occassional blinking being the only sign of life on the cyborg's part. Then, at last, all four of his robotic arms spread out. But instead of lightsabers, Grievous produced four yo-yos, and used all of them to pelt Triple H relentlessly. Triple H was instantly reduced to a squirming heap on the floor, pathetically crying out in pain. "OW OW OW OW OW OW!!" he cried over and over.

---

However, unbeknownst to both Peter and Lois, their daughter was watching them at that moment through the window. Her troubled mind kept her from getting any desperately needed sleep, and now Meg knelt beside her house, peering into it. The sight of her family spending a comfortable evening in the house, while she was stuck outside and relegated to a tent, was heartwrenching. They all seemed to be doing just fine without her, as usual. Especially Peter, who appeared to be content to just kick back and watch television after a long day of making her star in his movie.

Meg fought back tears once again as she stood back up. She had always felt like the outcast of the family...a notion usually reinforced by everyone's attitude toward her. But at least until now, she always had a place in their home. Now she couldn't even fit inside, literally left on the outside looking in. She stared down at what was once her home, now little more than an elaborate dollhouse to her, which barely came up to her knees. The battle to keep tears from flowing got even harder.

What was the most galling, though, was her father's insistence on going through with this movie, despite how much she hated it. She had no idea why she was going on with it when one flick of her finger was all it would take to end the discussion. Perhaps she was afraid of disappointing him. After being treated coldly for so long, things between them were slowly starting to change, especially after Peter watched her beat up the jackass that rear-ended them, and then after she almost died in that flood. If she told him to shove it, that could ruin everything.

Still, I can't believe he'd even consider doing this...it doesn't matter how much we need the money, Meg thought as she turned away from the house. Oh God, what did I ever do to deserve being nothing but a freak all my life? she windering silently, hoping against hope that God would hear her prayers and bring this nightmare to an end.

---

At that moment in Heaven, God's phone rang, possibly to alert him of Meg's prayer. Unfortunately, God was occupied at the moment, playing the latest wrestling video game with Jesus and providing a good amount of trash-talkin'.

And incidentally, God and Jesus had used the game's create-a-wrestler feature to slap together likenesses of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The two on-screen personas were busily kicking each other's ass. But all of a sudden, a likeness of John McCain slid into the ring with a folding chair, and promptly smacked both of them upside the head with it, knocking them flat on their asses.

(AN: The above two paragraphs was meant to be one thing: a joke. It does not reflect my religious or politicial views in any way. And while we're on this subject, neither did that Hillary joke near the beginning. This gag was meant for a cheap laugh and nothing more. Do not flame me, lambasting me with a religious or politicial diatribe. Those who do will have a crate filled with rabid, man-eating, mutated rabbits delivered to their doorstep.)

---

Meg turned to walk back behind the house to her tent, hoping to finally get some sleep. But something caught her eye as she looked down on the ground. It looked like one of the bushes around Quagmire's hard had moved. Meg stared down at it intently, wondering if she had imagined it. As she eyed it carefully, she swore she saw it rustle again.

Is someone in there? Who'd bother hiding? she wondered. The answer hit her like a ton of bricks. Her eyes narrowed angrily as she glared down at the unseen stalker. "NEIL!! That's you, isn't it!? I should've known you'd stoop to stalking me again!! SHOW YOURSELF!!" she demanded vociferously.

Several moments passed, but no one emerged from the bush. "That's it...I'm in NO MOOD tonight!!" Meg thundered, lifting one foot up high in the air. "Either you come out now or...."

"Meg, I'm over here," came a calm reply from down below, but behind her.

Meg carefully set her foot down and glanced over her shoulder. Indeed, Neil was right behind her, standing beside a parked pick-up truck, with a tarp tied down over the back to conceal its cargo. He looked up at Meg, but with an expression of confusion rather that lust. She stared down with a confused look as well. "Neil, h-how did you get behind me? I-I thought you were in that bush."

"What are you talking about? I just got here," said Neil, shrugging his shoulders.

"B-But, if you weren't hiding in that bush, then who...." Meg began, but her words trailed off when she heard the all-too familiar 'giddity giddity giddity.' One glance down at her foot revealed it was indeed Quagmire, who lay sprawled out on her sneaker wearing nothing but a bathrobe. Oh yeah, I forgot Neil's not the only one in Quahog with a sick fetish, she thought with a sigh. Luckily, one swift kick was all it took to rid her of that annoyance, sending Quagmire sailing a distance of over ten blocks.

Meg then turned around and glared down at Neil. "Well, that rids me of one crazed pervert," she said coldly. "Now, care to explain what you're doing here before I decide to make it a double play?"

Meg squinted as she looked down, trying to make out Neil's expression, which was hard due to the limited light. However, it still looked like his normal self-assured expression. "Well, since it's been so long since we last spoke, I was hoping we could spend some time together and catch up," he said in his usual sly manner as he walked to the back of the truck. "But if not...." Neil untied the tarp and pulled it off, revealing a cargo area full of apples. "I guess I'll just go, and find someone else I can share all these apples with. I spent all day pilfering these from orchards, but, if you don't want them...."

Meg's brow furrowed in annoyance. "THIS is your plan to win me over? Bribe me with stolen food?"

"Is it working?" Neil asked knavishly.

"Yes," Meg said simply. She reached down for the truck, picked it up, and swallowed the whole load of apples in one gulp. As she carefully set the truck back down, she couldn't help but botice Neil looking up at her again, with a sly, expectant look. "You really do find this titillating, don't you?" she asked in disbelief. "Why is that? I've been trying to figure it out for days."

"Well, why don't we go someplace private, and we can talk about it," suggested Neil silkily.

"Oh, and where would you suggest? My TENT?" asked Meg hotly.

"I would never be so presumptuous," said Neil. "But I would ask that, wherever you decide to go, if you would be so kind as to give me a lift. Gas prices and all that."

Meg sighed in annoyance. She had no idea why she was cursed with this pest. But he DID just bring her a midnight snack, so she figured she owed him for that, at the very least. And so, she got down on one knee and carefully lowered her hand to pick Neil up. Meg expected Neil to instinctively retreat as her tree trunk-like fingers came closer and closer, but he stood his ground, his gaze never wavering from her face. Her fingers curled around him, and with her thumb planted firmly against his chest to hold him in place, she slowly lifted him off the sidewalk. Just as she expected, Neil looked as if his wildest dreams had come true. Meg sighed again as she lumbered down the street, trying to think of a place where no one would bother them...and then spread gossip like wildfire.

Eventually, Meg settled for the local park, which would be abandoned at this time of night. She carefully walked through it, making sure she didn't step on any playground equipment. Once Meg found a spot spacious enough to sit down and stretch out, she dropped down, and she had no doubt she made a tremor that woke up everyone in a five block radius.

Meg looked down at the tiny boy still held firmly in her hand, who looked more enraptured than ever before. "Meg, for the last five minutes alone, I owe you my soul."

Meg sighed and rolled her eyes. She then brought Neil up to her face. "Neil, I've got to come clean and finally ask.... Just WHAT is it about me that you find so attractive?" she asked the man in her hand. "Just about all the girls at our school are prettier than I'll ever be...and you constantly have to come on to someone like me. Why?"

Neil leered back at Meg with his usual guileful look. "Oh Meg, to ask that shows such a dangerous lack of self-esteem...and incidentally, that's one of the reasons."

"Huh?"

"For as long as I've known you, I've seen how sullen and depressed you always are, in desperate need of a man who would be there to lend his support. And so, for all these years, I've strived to be that man who's always there."

"Yeah, you certainly have," said Meg flatly. He used to ask her out almost every day, stalked her and filmed her while at home, and Meg wasn't naive enough to believe that it was only Quagmire who sorted through their garbage looking for toenail clippings, discarded makeup pads and used tampons. "But I still don't get why you'd find ME attractive. Even I don't think I'm attractive in any sense of the word. I've always thought, 'Oh why can't he lust after girls with supermodel looks and annoy THEM?'"

"Oh Meg, again I must point about that the outward appearance does not always mirror a woman's inner beauty," said Neil empathically. "And besides, I firmly believe that the mass media does many girls harm by bombarding them with images of what the ideal body type is, encouraging them to go to dangerous extremes. I personally don't mind if a girl is a little chubby, especially when compared to some stuck-up, bony, brainless, anorexic skank who could probably cut diamonds with her elbows."

Meg raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

"Let me put it this way: what's more embraceable, a big teddy bear or a butcher knife?" asked Neil.

"I, uh, never thought of it that way," Meg said, not sure of what to make of Neil's question. "But still, I don't get what you see in here. I'm short and dumpy...well, I USED to be short," she added quickly with a small laugh. "And then I've got these ugly glasses...."

"Some would regard glasses as a sign of geekiness, but I think differently," said Neil. "First of all, ask any guy who's into Japanese animation, and they'll quickly tell you that the female characters with glasses always have a strange allure. Furthermore, I firmly believe that glasses give off an air of refinement and intellectual prowess, and unlike my fellow men who fall victim to their macho egos, I seek a woman whose intelligence, at the very least, equals my own towering intellect."

Meg couldn't help but look surprised. "Really?"

"But of course. It should come as no surprise, really. For instance, in classic English and American literature, you will find that the wearing of glasses is indeed used symbolically to show an air of intelligence," Neil went on. Then he slyly added, "One good example would be Gulliver's Travels by Johnathan Swift."

At first, Meg didn't get the joke Neil threw out, but when she did, her expression changed from astonishment to annoyance. "Oh, ha ha ha ha ha," Meg laughed tonelessly. "And that brings me to the last thing I just don't get: this obsession with giant girls. I've been racking my brains for days trying to figure out what guys would find so sexy about a Godzilla-sized woman, and I can't figure it out. I still can't believe this stupid movie of Dad's can be a success."

"Oh, believe me, it will," said Neil.

"You're gonna buy it, aren't you?" Meg asked him, narrowing her eyes.

"Already got my copy preordered," replied Neil. Meg glared at him dangerously. Perhaps sensing it was to his advantage to change the subject, Neil went on. "Now, as to why so many men would kill to be in the position I find myself in now, I'm afraid I have no concrete answer," he said, gently stroking the side of her huge hand. The scientific community is at a loss as well, mostly only offering theories that amount to little more than Freudian bulls*BLEEEP*. We simply have no idea what it is about a giant girl that turns us on. All those whom I've talked with online, however, can all agree that, for some reason, we simply love the idea of a woman displaying pure, unbridled power. Is that so hard to believe?"

Meg thought back to all the things she had done for the movie so far, and realized that most of them, like eating an entire shark and crushing cars underfoot, did indeed involve using her size to wreak havoc. Still, she was confused about how Neil or anyone else would be turned on by that. "Actually, Neil, it IS hard to believe. I just don't see how guys would...."

"What? Willingly submit themselves to a woman's will?" Neil cut in. "Sure, throughout history men have sought to lord over women, but you must believe that there are a few out there who desire the opposite."

Meg said nothing, simply staring back at the man whose life was literally in her hands. She still didn't quite understand his obsession, but despite herself, Meg found herself to be genuinely touched by this confession that he wanted to freely submit to the girl of his dreams, not the other way around. And as she thought back to everything else Neil had told her, Meg started to realize there just might be more to Neil than just the obnoxious, lecherous side she usually saw.

"You know Neil, sometimes you can be the most annoying, obnoxious jerk in Quahog. But sometimes, you're alright," Meg admitted, forcing herself to smile.

"Meg, just hearing those last two sentences pass your lips will ensure I die a happy man," said Neil.

Meg sighed and shook her head, but couldn't help but smile again. Unfortunately, as she shook her head, her neck suddenly exploded with a sharp, stinging pain. "OWW!!" she cried, almost dropping Neil as her free hand flew to nurse her aching neck.

"Meg, what's wrong?" Neil asked in a concerned voice.

"Oh, it's probably because of all these shooting sessions. Making this movie isn't as easy as you may think," said Meg. She kept on massaging her neck, but the nagging pain refused to go away.

"Perhaps I may be of assistance. Just set me down on your shoulder, and I'll see what I can do," Neil offered.

Meg regarded Neil with a dubious stare, wondering if this was a ploy to score some cheap thrills. But as the fiery pain grew worse, she finally relented. "OK, fine. But I'm warning you, no funny stuff," Meg warned. Then she carefully set Neil down on her shoulder. She could barely feel his feet as he walked over to her neck. For a moment, she didn't feel anything. "Neil, what do you think you're...." she began, but then she felt a sharp poke in the side of her neck.

Then the pain disappeared.

Meg's eyes widened in surprise as relief overwhelmed her. "Neil, how'd you do that? How you'd know that would work?"

"For now, let that be my little secret," she heard Neil say.

Meg turned her head, gazing down at the little man struggling to keep his footing on her shoulder. It was quite an amusing sight, almost making her laugh. She plucked him off her shoulder and brought him back up to her face. She'd never consider Neil the most attractive boy ever, but as much as she hated to admit it, there were some good things about him. And Meg remembered how she was overcome by insane jealousy upon finding out that, at one point, he had given up trying to woo her over and hooked up with another girl. Meg couldn't deny that, without realizing it, Neil had actually started to grow on her, and had taken it for granted that he'd always be trying to win her over.

Meg reached for Neil with her other hand. This time, Neil actually resisted as her fingers reached for his head, trying to remove his cap. She got it off soon enough, then begun to ruffle his short, curly hair with her fingertip. She could see that Neil was relishing the attention, and she had to admit it was kind of fun to have a guy she could lord over completely. "Well, if I can believe everything you said, it's nice to know that if I'm stuck this way, there's at least one guy I can count on," said Meg.

---

The next morning, somewhere along the beaches of Florida, Connie D'Amico laid herself face-down on a towel, ready to soak up some sun. After several days of wilding partying and boozing, she decided that she could use at least one relaxing morning of sunbathing. There would be plenty of time for more partying later this evening. Too bad spring break's almost over, Connie thought as she undid her bikini top, ensuring she got the best tan possible. Oh well, at least I'll have humiliating that cow Meg Griffin to look forward to.

Just thinking about Meg made her blood boil all over again. Not only was there the fact that fat, whiny losers like her had no right to exist, there was the fact that her whole family had caused her nothing but trouble. Her family dog had the gall to insult her at the school prom, and now that she thought about it, she swore it was actually Meg's baby brother who framed her as a pedophile and got her arrested. And of course, there was her father....

Connie's hand instinctively rushed to her forehead, feeling the scar that had caused her so much aggravation. For now, she had been able to cover it up with makeup and hats, but it still felt like a blight, even though no one else usually saw it. Connie had always prided herself for her looks, and that fat bastard had permanently ruined them. Well, once school started again, she'd dedicate every waking moment to making Meg's life a living hell....

"Hey Connie." Connie looked up to see her friends staring over her. "What's up?" asked one of them.

"Oh, just thinking of the best way to humiliate Meg once we get back to Rhode Island," said Connie. "I wish I could've seen the look on her face when she opened my 'package.' Come to think of it, maybe I should start off with pig's blood again, only this time in a place where everyone can see her...."

"Yeah, good luck. You'll have to slaughter an entire herd of livestock to get enough blood now!" said one of her close female friends. "Actually, we'd better watch our step once we get back home, or we'll all get stepped on."

Connie looked at her dubiously. "Just what the hell are you talking about?" she asked tersely.

All her friends nervously glanced at each other. "Uh, Connie...haven't you been watching the news or reading the papers?" asked another one of her friends.

"Tch, why would I? I thought we were on vacation," Connie said comtemptuously.

"This is why. Read it and weep." One of them fished out the latest copy of Newsweek and dropped it in front of her face.

Connie grabbed it and looked at the cover. Her jaw dropped instantly. The word 'disbelief' didn't even come close to describing the shock of seeing Meg's fat carcass plastered on the front cover. At first, she thought this was all some elaborate prank...Meg looked as if she was over a hundred feet tall, spewing water into a burning apartment building.

After flipping through the issue and skimming the cover story, however, Connie soon realized that it was no joke. This was an actual issue of Newsweek. All the photographs, field reports, interviews with doctors and scientists...no way her friends would go THIS FAR to pull a practical joke like this.

If the article was to be believed, Meg Griffin had become the talk of Quahog - no, the entire NATION - overnight! In the last few days, countless newspaper articles and television spots had been devoted to her. And as she skimmed the magazine some more, it said that her family was making some sort of independent movie about her! Not only that, even though some people in Quahog remained fearful and suspicious of Meg, many more were hailing her as a hero for getting everyone out of that burning building, and were even clamoring that she be given the keys to the city!

Connie tore the magazine in half, enraged by envy. SHE was supposed to be the most popular girl at James Woods High! SHE was the one who was supposed to go one and become a movie star! And now, almost overnight, that cow Meg had gained fame and fortune all because of some freak accident!

Connie glared up at her friends, her eyes filled with hatred and envy. "Get the van ready. We're going back to Quahog NOW," she said resolutely.

They all looked at each other, their confusion palpable. Sensing their indecision, she spoke up again, "Listen all of you, I am NOT going to let this overgrown freak get away with this, not after everything she and her family's done to me!! I swear, I'll find some way to bring that fat bitch down, no matter how long it takes!!!" And with that, Connie sprang to her feet and headed back for their hotel room.

Unfortunately, in her haste, Connie forgot to retie her bikini top....

---

Peter stood by the computer, sipping his morning coffee as he watched Brian work on the movie's website. The last few days had gone remarkably smoothly. They were almost done shooting all the scenes for their movie, for one thing. Not to mention their bank account had just been seriously fattened thanks to all the online advertising deals they signed, so for now, they had more than enough money to feed Meg. And once they were finally done with the movie, the box office revenue and DVD sales would rake in even more. And on top of all that, there was one other thing...something Peter was waiting to rub in Lois's face at just the right time. He even set up the 'Peter Was Right' banner in the living room again. Hopefully the new clown was still alive.

"Well, that's just about all we can do for now. All the advertising banners are in place, and the second teaser trailer is up and ready for download," said Brian as he continued typing away. "However, there's one last thing we need to decide on...."

"And, uh, what's that?" asked Peter.

"We still have yet to decide on a title for this movie," said Brian. "We're almost done shooting, the editing won't take too long...we should decide on a title now."

"Hmmm, I dunno...." mused Peter as he scratched his chin. After a few seconds, though, the answer came to him. "I got it! We'll call it...'Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin!!'" Peter said enthusiastically. Then he noticed the harsh, piercing stare Brian was giving him. "What? You think it's a bad idea for a title?"

"Oh no no. I'm not saying that at all," Brian said quickly. "I'm just struck speechless by the brazen unoriginality of your suggestion," he finished darkly.

As Brian wrapped up the update, Lois walked in. "Ugh, you're working on the movie's website again!?" she asked accusingly. "It's bad enough you're making Meg star in softcore porn without plastering her face on the Internet to promote it."

"Uhh, not to play Devil's advocate or anything, but that website promoting softcore porn is what's going to make sure Meg has food in her stomach for the next few days," Brian pointed out. "Oh, and before you go and start a rant about Peter not caring about how Meg feels, just wait until you see today's front page."

Peter smiled smugly at Lois as Brian said this. The blank, confused look on her face was just golden. All the nagging she had dished out this past week, accusing him of being a lousy father...once she saw today's paper, Lois would be forced to eat her words.

And as fate would have it, Chris had just returned from his morning paper route, and stormed into the room. "Dad, we did it! Check out the front...." he began, but he ended up snagging his foot on the carpet and falling flat on his face. The paper he had been holding flew out of his hand, and was quickly caught by Lois. She unrolled it and gasped when she saw the bold-faced headline that greeted her:

MEG GRIFFIN TO RECEIVE KEYS TO THE CITY AT CITY HALL THIS EVENING

"WHAT!?" she exclaimed, convinced that this had to be some kind of prank. She forced herself to read on. Apparently, Mayor Adam West was willing to risk a backlash from all the citizens still weary of Meg to publicly honor her as a hero for rescuing all those people from that fire. "What the.... I didn't think.... H-How did...." Lois stammered incoherently.

"Well, all that flak about not caring about Meg just got me thinkin', so I pulled a few strings, asked Joe Swanson to get the force to put in a word for her, and before I knew it...." He let the sentence dangle, eyeing the front page himself.

"P-Peter, I don't know what to say. I-I...."

"C'mon, let's go tell Meg," Peter suggested, brushing past Lois, all the while relishing the speechless look on her face. Admit it, Lois, I kept the promise I once made to Meg and made her a superstar. She was about to be honored as a hero, and this movie would make sure they were all filthy rich even after Meg was cured, more than enough to get Meg into any college she wanted. And he had no doubt she'd be the most popular girl in school after this. Never did it occur to Peter that something could - and would - go horribly, horribly wrong....

They all walked out into the backyard, which, of course, was occupied almost entirely by Meg's tent. However, Meg's head was poking out from the entrance to the tent. Not only that, they saw that she wasn't alone. Neil was in the backyard with her, using a hose with a spray nozzle to douse Meg's forehead. For some reason Meg stood still and let him do it, watching him blankly with half-opened, bloodshot eyes as cool water splashed all over her forehead.

"Hey, why the hell are you spraying water on Meg!?" demanded Peter.

"Uh, it's because she asked me to," replied Neil matter-of-factly, looking a little flustered.

"Wait, why the hell would...." Peter began, but was cut off when a deafening moan resounded all around them.

"Ugh, please, keep it down," muttered Meg. Even though it looked like she was merely whispering, it was loud enough to make everyone present grimace and cover their ears. "I've had a splitting headache all morning."

"Well, after what you did yesterday while shooting, it's hardly a surprise," Brian said flatly.

---

Meg stood in the middle of an intersection in downtown Quahog, right beside a building where a window washer's ledge was set up a few dozen feet above Meg. Cleveland and Quagmire stood on the ledge in window washers' uniforms, and they both looked scared out of their wits.

"OK, now all you guys gotta do is fall off while making it look like an accident, then Meg just catches you," Peter called out to Cleveland and Quagmire, speaking through a megaphone.

"Peter, I don't know how I let you talk me into this!" exclaimed Cleveland. "And I know how it is in these kitsch sci-fi movies...the black guy always dies!"

Meg just listened to their exchange with indifference, just wondering when they could finish shooting and go home. However, she then heard another noise cut over Cleveland's protests...a sort of blasting sound. Meg looked around, and spotted the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man beginning to climb a skyscraper, and the four Ghostbusters stood on the roof, cutting loose with their proton packs and filling the air with the distinct aroma of roasted marshmallows.

Meg walked over to the building, glaring at Stay Puft with a hawk-like intensity. Stay Puft eventually noticed Meg and looked down at her. "What!?" he asked impatiently.

All of a sudden, Meg grabbed Stay Puft, threw him down onto the street and jumped on top of him. The air was then filled with obnoxious chomping and slurping sounds, along with Stay Puft's blood-curdling screams of agony. "AHHH!!! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!! THAT'S MY ARM!!! OH GOD, AUGGGHHH!!!"

Globs of marshmallow gunk splattered all over the walls of nearby buildings as Meg continued to devour Stay Puft, and the Ghostbusters just watched blankly as Meg did their job for them. Eventually, Meg had completely cannibalized Stay Puft and simply walked away. Her face and shirt were covered with globs of marshmallow goo, and she licked her lips as she walked away.

The Ghostbusters simply watched as Meg left. Dr. Peter Venkman finally broke the silence. "Would it be horribly inappropriate if I made a joke about...."

"YES!!" cried the other three Ghostbusters in unison.

---

Meg squinted, trying to get a better look at the headline on the newspaper awkwardly held between her fingers. Even then, she could barely make out the lettering, and there was no hope of reading the rest of the story. For several moments, she just stared at the tiny headline, not sure what to believe, or even think. The pounding headache she was forced to endure didn't help her thought process any, either.

"Well Meg, what d'you think? Daddy said he'd make sure everyone in Quahog would see you for the special girl you are, didn't he?" Peter said jubilantly. Meg flung away the newspaper to look down at her father. She was still lying on her side, so Peter was only a dozen or so feet away from her face. Seeing her family up close like that...somehow, it made them seem ever weaker and punier to her, driving home how freakishly huge she must seem to everyone else. She found it hard to believe enough people in Quahog thought she deserved this honor when she still caused a panic just walking down a street.

"Dad, I don't know. This seems too good to be true," Meg said, voicing her doubts. "Besides Dad...well, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the lengths you went to to do this for me, but spending hours in front of a crowd and getting gawked at isn't exactly my idea of a fun evening."

"Meg, you really shouldn't think of it that way," Lois said. "First of all, like you said, your father went through a lot of trouble to get the mayor to do this."

"And if you ask me, this is the perfect opportunity for everyone to see you for the goddess you truly are, a benevolent protectress watching over the citizens of Quahog," said Neil. Meg instinctively rolled her eyes. She had let Neil hang around her for the last few days because, as much as she hated to admit it, he really had grown on her and she was grateful for the company. But still, his fanatical worshipping of her never ceased to be tiresome. Especially now, when she embodied everything he desired.

Meg looked down at them again, noting the expectant looks on their faces. She didn't want to look ungrateful by refusing to attend this ceremony, but some instinct was telling her it was a bad idea. She desperately wanted to believe enough people in Quahog genuinely felt this way, but her gut told her something else was going on....

"Oh, and did we mention there's free food in it for you?" Brian said suddenly.

"Count me in," said Meg quickly.

---

Meg had had nagging doubts about this ceremony before, but soon after arriving, what little optimism she had was pretty much gone. It didn't help that, on the way to city hall, the angry curses of disgruntled citizens drifted up to her ears as she carefully made her way through he steer, and she could practically feel the middle-finger salutes behind her back. To make matters worse was that, by noon, grey storm clouds had begun to settle over Quahog, which perfectly punctuated her dismal mood.

However, she knew her mother was right. It would have been wrong to refuse to show up after all the trouble everyone had gone to to set up this ceremony. And so, she sat in front of Quahog's city hall building, where a large stage had been specially constructed just so her little brother and his old band could put on another performance, this time for everyone else who had gathered.

Meg looked down at Chris as he sang, then her gaze slowly drifted to the crowd. She immediately spotted Peter somewhere in the middle of the teeming masses, holding his camcorder and diligently filming everything. Neil stood by him, snapping away with a digital camera. Meg sighed. Fine, snap away if you must, Meg thought. But if I catch any of those photos on those websites you were talking about, your family'll have to scrape what's left of you off of my sneaker. At times, Meg noticed how other people would gawk at her, but when they realized she spotted them, they would instantly direct their attention to the stage, pretending to be interested in the performance.

If that were the only problem - being stared at as if she were some monument - then perhaps this ceremony wouldn't have bothered Meg so much. Unfortunately, there were more reminders of how unwelcome she now was in Quahog. All around the front of city hall, the police were deployed and cordoned off the area, beyond which many protesters had gathered, waving signs that she couldn't make out, but knew they didn't say anything inviting. The cops were the only thing keeping those protesters from storming in and ruining everything.

Except maybe their fear of me, Meg realized glumly. It was still depressing, being thought of as a menace after saving those people from that fire. Meg tried to put it in the back of her mind as she reached into a huge portable pool filled with thousands of chocolate chip muffins, baked especially for her. Meg gobbled down another mouthful. They had an odd taste, but Meg thought little of it and kept listening to the band.

At last, Chris's band had finished their encore, and it was time to get on with the ceremony. Good thing, too. It looks like it'll start raining any minute, she thought, looking up at the dismal grey sky. As Chris and his friends gathered up their instruments and equipment, Mayor Adam West walked onto the stage.

"Good afternoon, citizens of Quahog," said Mayor West, speaking into the microphone. "Today we are gathered here to pay tribute to one special individual who walks among us...."

And has nearly stepped on a few people in the process, Meg added silently, shaking her head as the mayor continued with his speech. Let's just get this over with....

"She is someone who is constantly watching over us, like Gamera, ready to use her gaseous emissions to propel her way to wherever there's trouble," said Mayor West, prompting Meg to clutch her legs close to her and bury her face in her knees. "And she will tower over those who would do us harm, like one of those summoned creatures in a role-playing game, which of course have summoning animations lasting several minutes, giving you ample time to go get yourself some creamed corn...."

I can't believe I once worked for this guy, Meg thought acidly, conveniently forgetting that she once did more than just work for Adam West as an intern.

Eventually, Mayor West wrapped up his verbose, nonsensical speech, getting to the only part Meg cared about: getting that damn key and leaving. "And now, with out further ado, for an act of unselfish heroism, I proudly present this key to the city." The mayor turned around and looked up at Meg, motioning for her to lower her hand. Meg complied wordlessly, and the mayor deposited the golden key in the palm of her hand.

Meg stared at the key intently; it was so small, it almost blended in with the rest of her palm. Well, I finally got it. Now I can....

"However, before we all leave, we should close with some parting words from our local hero!" the mayor suddenly added.

"Huh!?" Meg blurted out, not sure that she heard right. She looked down at the mayor, but from what she could tell, his face betrayed a seriousness about making her say something. Meg hadn't counted on this. She thought she merely had to show up for the sake of courtesy, accept the key, then leave so she could sulk in her depression some more. What was she supposed to say? She scanned the the crowd, noting everyone's curious, expectant faces. "Well, I, er.... That is, I, uhhhh...." An odd tingling sensation in her lips and the back of her throat suddenly distracted her, but truthfully, she was at a loss for what to say anyway. Oh God, I'll never wish to be a superstar and the center of attention ever again, Meg silently vowed as she felt the weight of all those stares.

---

Meanwhile, Peter continued to film Meg, eagerly anticipating what she was going to say and completely oblivious to her uneasiness. "Oh, this'll be great for the DVD extras," he said.

"Peter, enough already," said Lois. "Can't you see how nervous she is...and come to think of it, doesn't Meg look a little pale to you?"

Peter absentmindedly took note of how pallid Meg suddenly looked, but thought little of it as he kept his camcorder aimed up at Meg. "Come on, Meg. Say something," he muttered under his breath.

Meg's lips parted slightly, but her words seemed to be caught in her throat. But just when it looked like she was finally about to speak, a strange sound rang out...something that sounded vaguely like a catpult being fired. A second later, what looked like a garbage bag soared through the air, headed right for Meg. It collided with the side of her head, and what looked like pink paint splashed all over her face. Meg cried out in shock, instinctively reaching for her face. She stared blankly at the pink paint that oozed all over her fingers. Then, more paint-filled garbage bags following, and soon Meg was covered with several colors of paint.

"Hey, I didn't know Mayor West was gonna do this," said Peter stupidly, assuming this all part of the ceremony. "What's this supposed to be like, dousing the coach at the end of a football game or something?"

"No, you idiot!" snapped Lois irascibly. "Someone must've thought it would've been a real gas to prank Meg right when she got the keys to the city!" she shrieked, enraged that what was supposed to be a special day for Meg was ruined.

"And I think I might know who," Brian added sourly.

---

Meg just stood there, mortified and paralyzed with shock as the paint trickled down all over her. Who had done this!? She knew plenty of people were still weary of her, but to go out of their way - and risk a very unpleasant reprisal - to pull a prank like this!?

The raucous roar of laughter and cheers from the protesters held back by the police pounded into her ears. Among the crowd, most of them were as still and silent as her, staring blankly up at the giantess doused with paint. Eventually, though, some of them burst out into snickering, then full-blown laughter, adding to the din created by the protesters and making Meg's heart swell further with embarrassment and rage. She remained rooted to the spot, breathing heavily, her heart beating frightfully fast.

Meg had no idea how long she stood there, frozen in place as laughter erupted all around her. It was as if her mind had shut down. Of all the embarrassing things...at least today she was supposed to be honored as a savior, and now it was obvious how foolish it was to believe even THAT! Once again, she was a laughing stock of the entire town! Meg then felt like simply running away to hole herself up in her tent, but a sudden shout snapped her out of her shock. A mocking voice from down below, speaking through a megaphone.

"Hey Meg, like your new makeover!?"

Meg recognized the voice instantly. She glared down at the stage. Right beside it stood Connie D'Amico. From what Meg could make out, her expression was of smug self-satisfaction, completely devoid of fear.

That had to change. Finally finding the will to move, Meg stepped right over the stage, making sure to deliberately plant her foot only a few feet from where Connie D'Amico stood. However, Connie stood her ground, showing no sign of fleeing in terror. That only served to enrage Meg even more. "YOU!? What the hell do you think you're doing!? Aren't you supposed to be in Florida!?"

Connie grinned maliciously. "Well, when I read how a few people in Quahog were insisting that a fat, whiny loser like you actually deserved to be hailed as a hero, well, I decided to head home and see for myself," she said slyly, this time without the megaphone so only Meg could hear her. "And I thought I'd show my respect in my own way...or rather, my utter lack of it."

Meg clenched her fists so tightly, her nails dug deep into her palms. "You couldn't stand that for just one day, it was me in the spotlight instead of you, could you!?" she shrieked down at Connie. "It disgusts me to think I once wanted to be your friend. Now I see you're really nothing but a spoiled, self-centered bitch!"

"At least I don't have an ass that outweighs a herd of elephants. Or have to star in fetish porn just to earn enough for my next meal," said Connie haughtily.

Rage almost got the better of Meg. The urge to stomp on Connie and grind her into the dirt was overwhelming. No, that's too good for Connie. I'll have to come up with something more creative, like.... But a sudden rush of lightheadedness interrupted her thought process. Meg's hand rushed to her forehead, but she kept glaring daggers down at Connie, who seemed encouraged for some reason.

"Oh, and about how you're in the spotlight...do you really think there's enough people in this city who'd admire a fat loser like who, much less a freakishly huge fat loser? You thought your idiot father got this organized? I've got news for you...it was ME!"

"You...WHAT!?" cried Meg.

"That's right...I'M the one who really got the mayor to agree to this, just so I could humiliate you in front of the whole city!" shouted Connie. Then she turned her head, a shameful look in her eyes. "And you wouldn't believe the things I had to do to convince West to do this...."

---

Connie stood in front of Adam West in the mayor's office, hunched over from exhaustion and she repeatedly licked a Tootsie Roll Pop over and over and over again; she looked ready to pass out any second.

"1386, 1387, 1388, 1389, 1390," counted Mayor West. "By God, by the end of this day, we'll REALLY know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop!"

---

That last statement was like a knife through Meg's heart. She had doubted that enough people in Quahog thought she deserved this ceremony, but she had hoped she was just being paranoid. Now it sounded like her paranoia was justified. Meg didn't want to believe it. She shook her head furiously, but suddenly she felt feverish as well as lightheaded, prompting her to hold her head in her hands. "You're lying...." Meg muttered, only half-believing what she said.

"Oh, and that's not even the best part!" Connie went on. "Your family really did have a hand in this, too! And they KNEW what I had planned for you!"

Meg glared back down at Connie, trying to fight off the feeling of lightheadedness. "Now I KNOW you're lying!" she thundered. "They'd never...."

"Oh really, you think so!?" Connie shot back. "I seen what they're like around you. Can you honestly say that they're weren't ashamed of you before, and that they don't want an ugly, worthless, Godzilla-sized fatass loafing in their backyard!?"

Meg simply refused to believe it. Her family came down on her hard at times, but there was no way they'd go THIS far. It was time to shut this skank up here and now. "That's enough out of you!" said Meg maliciously, cracking her knuckles. "It's time to do what I should've done a long, long time ago!" Meg thought this would finally strike some terror in Connie, but Connie still stood her ground. Why was she so confident? Did she have another trick up her sleeve?

"Oh, I don't think so, Megzilla! You see, I'm not a moron like you! I knew there was one surefire way to get you out of my life forever!" With that, she held up what looked like an empty plastic jug, then threw it at Meg's feet. Wondering what Connie's game was this time, Meg picked it up. She stared at the jug between her fingers, trying to make out the tiny lettering. When she finally did, she nearly had a heart attack.

It was peanut oil.

"That's right, your peanut allergy!" shouted Connie jubilantly when she saw the fearful look on Meg's face. "Those muffins you ate, didn't they have a fishy taste!? I'll have to thank Neil Goldman for that little nugget of information. You'd be surprised what he knows, having stalked you for so long...."

Meg's eyes got even wider. "NEIL!? He...he'd NEVER!!"

"You think so!? Use that oversized brain of yours! You now know that there's plenty of freaks like Neil who have jackoff fantasies about ginormous girls. You'd soon have hundreds of people around the world courting you! You think an obsessive freak like Neil would stand for that!? You made it crystal clear, all these years, that you despise him! He figured that if he couldn't have you, no one could!!"

Meg was once again frozen with shock, her heart beating dangerously fast, her breath coming in short gasps. If Connie was telling the truth...the only people she thought cared somewhat for her...her own family, even NEIL! Betrayed and backstabbed by the only people she thought she could even remotely count on!

"Well, if that's the case," said Meg as she raised one foot, her rage momentarily winning out over her terror, "then I'll get rid of them all before I go, STARTING WITH YOU!!!"

A collecive gasp came from the crowd as she lifted her foot, and Connie finally seemed taken aback. But just as Meg was ready to bring her foot down on Connie, she suddenly gagged involuntarily. She almost fell over, and stumbled backward as she struggled to keep her balance. It was then that Meg felt her airways constricting. *Oh God, no no NO!!!* Meg thought, terror clawing at her heart as she desperately tried to take a breath. Her hands clamped around her throat as she fought to take in air, but her airways were swiftly becoming more constricted as her body overreacted to the allergens in the peanut oil.

Meg dropped to her knees, her whole body convulsing as she kept on trying to breathe in. However, she soon realized it was futile. She was going into anaphylactic shock, and there was no way she could be treated at her size.

She could still hear Connie's sadistic, self-satisfied rantings. "Come on, come on, keel over you fatass bitch!" Needless to say, Meg was even more determined to make Connie pay. With a valient effort, she got back on her feet. As she continued to fight for breath, Meg raised her foot again. It hung there for a second, trembling along with the rest of her body....

And then Meg's eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she started falling sideways. Her titanic frame crashed onto the stage, immediately flattening it. The sound of lumber being crushed and splintered resounded throughout the area, and pieces of splintered wood flew everywhere as a large plume of dirt and dust rose from what was left of the stage.

The tremor nearly knocked Connie off her feet, but she stood her ground, shielding her face from the dirt and debris. When the plume of dirt finally cleared, she looked up to see Meg's motionless body lying atop the remains of the stage.

---

All this time, Meg's family had stood in the crowd, not sure what was going on, listening to Meg talk down to whoever had confronted her.

But when Meg had starting going into analphylactic shock, needless to say, they were finally spurred into action.

"Comin' through, comin' through!" shouted Peter panickingly, plowing through the crowd with the same skill that had made him part of the New England Patriots. Lois, Stewie, Brian and Neil followed in his wake.

When Peter had finally reached thr stage, however, he arrived to learn it was far too late. Meg had tumbled backwards, falling onto the stage and smashing it to pieces. Peter reflexively turned away to avoid the cloud of dirt. He felt bits of broken wood painfully bounce off of him. A few seconds later, he looked up again, only to see Meg's unmoving body lying on the remains of the stage.

For several moments, a deafening silence fell over the crowd as it was all taken in, only broken at first by a clap of thunder in the distance. Then, the protesters held at bay by the cops, burst into cheers, and soon some people in the crowd cheered as well. However, Peter and the others heard none of it, staring with disbelief at Meg's unconscious body. Until Brian spoke up....

"Connie D'Amico! I knew it!" Peter heard Brian shout. Peter turned to Brian, and saw where he was pointing at. Right beside the ruined stage, Connie D'Amico stood, beaming with triumph as she looked over her fallen rival. "What did you do to her!?"

"Oh nothing much. Just offered to supply some ingredients to bake a little something for Meg," said Connie, smiling sadistically. "Like, oh, about 200 gallons of peanut oil."

Predictably, the significance of that was lost on Peter. "Eh, I don't get it."

"Mr. Griffin, you mean to tell me you are completely ignorant of your daughter's potentially life-threatening peanut allergy?" asked Neil, glaring at him.

"OH NO!!! You mean my little girl...you POISONED her!?" Lois shrieked hysterically. Like everyone but Peter, she knew that if that was the case, there was no hope for Meg. At her size, treatment for anaphylactic shock was impossible.

"NO!!!" came Chris's cry of anguish, having finally arrived, showing up beside Connie and holding his microphone and stand. "Don't worry Meg, I will see you avenged!" With that, he began swinging his microphone as if it were a ball and chain. But in the blink of an eye, the microphone wrapped around Chris, and he fell to the ground, helplessly bound in wire.

Everyone stared dully at Chris for a moment, but soon Connie spoke up again. "Yes, I got the peanut oil! And I'm the one who got Mayor West to agree to organizing this ceremony for Meg! You somehow thought YOU were the one who convinced the mayor!?" she snarled, pointing at Peter. "A retraded freak like you!? Don't make me laugh! It was all me! Just so I could humiliate Meg at just the right time, while she was in the spotlight, right before her allergy killed her!"

Peter stared back stupidly. "Wow, that's...that's quite an elaborate plan you had there," he said, with a tone flirting dangerously close with respect.

"Peter, what are you saying?" said Brian exasperatedly. "Connie poisoned Meg and humiliated her in front of the whole town right before Meg's allregy killed her!"

"I know, I know. But still, you...you gotta respect that sort of dedication," Peter replied.

A blinding flash from a bolt of lightning illuminated the area, and a gentle drizzle began to descend over the city. But no one took any notice, especially not Brian, who glared at Peter intently. Eventually, he turned to face Connie again. "Meg was right. You COULDN'T stand that Meg was in the limelight instead of you!"

"Well, there was that, and there was THIS!" Connie spat, brushing the hair over her forehead aside to reveal the scar Peter had given her. "You think I would just FORGET about that run-in with the fire extinguisher!? Oh no, I haven't! And I haven't forgotten how you mortified me at the prom, Snoopy, or how the Little Einstein over there got me arrested!" she finished, pointing at Stewie. "Oh, and you know what the best part is!? I told Meg that all of you had planned this along with me! So her final thought was that you had all betrayed her!!"

Brian shook his head in disbelief. "You know what, I take it back. You're not a bitch-whore. That's an insult to bitch-whores everywhere!"

Another flash from lightning covered the area, accompanied by booming thunder. And off in the distance, the jeers of the crowd could still be heard. Perhaps it was all this that shook Lois out of her shocked silence, who had been overcome with grief and crying non-stop. "Oh don't worry, Brian. She's not gonna get away with it," said Lois, taking a step toward Connie while cracking her knuckles threateningly. "Part of me's been itching to open up another can of tae-jitsu flavored wup-ass for a long time...."

"If I may, Mrs. Griffin, allow me to assist you," Neil said suddenly, stepping up beside Lois and striking a martial arts pose. "From time to time, I too have dabbled in the ancient fighting arts, thanks to material posted online, and as the one who was destined for your daughter I feel it is now my obligation to use it to honor her memory."

"Um, as amusing as it may be to watch such carnage unfold, I believe such retribution may be premature," said Stewie suddenly. "You see, I would hypothesize that, with a physiology of Meg's scale, perhaps the overreaction of the immune system due to allergens may not be quite as deadly. And if you'll look over at Meg's fallen body, I think my hypothesis has just been proven correct."

With a gasp, Brian turned to see what Stewie was talking about. And sure enough, Meg's foot twitched slightly, and they could see Meg's rise as she gingerly took in a breath.

Brian turned back to Connie. "Hey Connie, do...do me a favor. Try to picture the biggest fan that you can. I mean, imagine a big fan with the diameter of, oh I dunno, about a hundred feet. Now try to imagine if King Kong took a really big dump and threw all the aforementioed feces at the previously mentioned fan while it's running full speed. Because, I...I have this nagging feeling that that pretty much describes what's gonna happen to Quahog thanks to you."

---

Breath slowly flowed back into Meg's lungs, making her gag and hack up mucus. She tried to move, but found that her whole back ached with each attempt she made. For a moment, she struggled to remember where she was, and what had happened to her. She was dimly aware of raindrops splattering all over her face. Then there was the sound of thunder, followed by bright light from lightning filtering through her eyelids. Was she outside somewhere? She couldn't quite remember. As she tried to gather her thoughts, she became aware of the sound of...people cheering? Lots of people from the sound of it, bursting with joyous whooping, which sounded mocking and disdainful....

Then, all of a sudden, it all came rushing back to her. The ceremony at city hall, Connie's elaborate plan to humiliate her in front of everybody, then kill her. And from the sound of it, no one was sad about it. She was right all along. It was foolish to expect anyone to care about her. The fact that she had saved dozens of people from that fire meant nothing to them. All they saw was a mindless, monstrous THING, not a person. Which wasn't much different from how everyone viewed her before....

Including her family.

Her fists clenched at Connie's words rang in her head. They had conspired against her. Plotted to kill her. They hadn't exactly been the most supportive family before, but to go THIS far!? And even NEIL, in a fit of jealousy, had turned on her!

Acceptance. That was the only thing she ever truly wanted in life. That wasn't too much to ask, was it? And yet, throughout her whole life, at every turn, she was rejected, mocked, treated like a freakshow. And now, after a freak accident that was no fault of her own, she was labeled a menace and a monster. Even her own family...they'd finally shown their true colors! Even one of the only boys who ever showed any true desire for her had stabbed her in the back!

With that realization, Meg's mind finally snapped.

---

"I'll be damned...she's OK!" exclaimed Peter, watching with awe and relief as Meg slowly started to sit up. Meg brushed bits of dirt and splintered wood off of her. She took a deep breath, then once again coughed up mucus. It sprayed all over the crowd, eliciting groans of protest from them, but Meg paid them no attention as she slowly rose to her feet. Now the crowd gasped with apprehension, seeing Meg at her full, towering height. But once again, she paid them no mind, looking down at everyone by the smashed stage, her family, Neil, Connie....

"Damn Meg, you had us all worried there for a sec. You...." Peter began, but his words slowly trailed off when he noticed the way she was glaring down at them all. Her eyes blazed with smoldering, fiery hatred.

For everyone.

Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin
a completely unnecessary Family Guy parody
Chapter 6: Down with the Sickness
4-22-2008
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: Family Guy and all related characters are the copyrighted property of 20th Century Fox, blah blah blah. All the characters and stuff that'll appear in the obligatory cameos and non sequiturs belong to whoever the hell owns them, yaddi yadda yadda....

---

Peter had to admit that he tended to be a happy-go-lucky guy at times, often oblivious to danger until it was almost too late.

This was not one of those times.

Looking up into his gigantic daughter's eyes, seeing the look of barely-contained rage and fury directed at all of them, the very aura of seething hatred radiating from her...her fists were clenched tightly, her breathing heavy.... Peter only saw her like this once, right after their car was rear-ended while Meg was chauffering him and his friends. And the jerkass who rear-ended them...he only got away with half of his teeth.

And Peter had a bad feeling that, after today, teeth would be the only thing left to identify them.

"So, you're all still together," Meg said softly in a calculating tone that made Peter's blood run cold. Meg slowly raised one foot,drawing gasps and cries of fear from the crowd. Peter was rooted to the spot, staring up dumbly at the rising sole of Meg's sneaker. "How convenient," she finished. Then she brought her foot down.

Peter stood still, staring up idiotically at Meg's rapidly descending sneaker, too paralyzed with shock and disbelief to move. He would have surely been road pizza if not for Lois's timely intervention. She lunged for Peter and tackled him, knocking them both out of harm's way right before Meg's sneaker smashed into the concrete with a deafening boom. The shockwave knocked both of them down. Meg didn't even give them time to catch their breath. She raised her foot again and, with a shriek of unrestrained fury, brought it down again. Peter and Lois rolled away in opposite directions, avoiding certain death by mere inches. This time, the shockwave knocked both of them into the air. After landing with a painful thud, Peter forced himself to get back up, thinking Meg would go right for him. Instead, when he looked up, he saw Meg glaring elsewhere, probably at Lois.

By now, the crowd had succumb to outright panic; they fled in a frenzy, trampling over each other in a desperate attempt to escape the insane, homicidal giantess. The air was saturated with their screams of terror, but miraculously Peter heard Lois's voice over the din. "Meg, please, CALM DOWN!" Lois pleaded. "Connie lied to you! We had no idea this would happen! We'd never do something like this!!"

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Meg shrieked as she tried to squash her mother yet again. Lois's natural athleticism was the only thing that let her stay one step ahead and evade Meg's deadly, crushing feet. Even so, every stomp was a close call, and the shockwaves made it a pain in the ass to keep her footing. "You, all of you, NONE OF YOU EVER TRULY ACCEPTED ME! I've always been the doormat, the butt of your jokes, my problems meant nothing to any of you!! It was no secret all of you were disappointed with me!! You couldn't even remember how old I was on my last birthday!! And I know you almost got an abortion when you were pregnant with me!! You really expect me to believe you weren't in on this!?"

Peter could only watch helplessly as Meg repeatedly tried to stomp on Lois, who was quickly tiring from all the frantic running and dodging. His mind was usually an empty void, but this time, he had good reason for being clueless. Any idiot could see that there was no reasoning with Meg now. Meg had gone completely berserk, driven insane by the notion that everyone had backstabbed her, and there wasn't anything anyone could do to stop her.

Maybe Brian's got an idea, Peter thought hopefully, looking around for him. Unfortunately, he was several dozen feet away; he, Neil and Stewie were trying to drag Chris, still bound in the microphone's wire, out of harm's way.

Once they felt they were far enough away from Meg, they started to remove the wire binding Chris. But they couldn't easily ignore the threat Meg still posed, not with her shrieks of unbridled rage and the booming shockwaves from her angry stomps still pounding in everyone's ears. Stewie risked a furtive, nervous glance at his titanic, crazed sister. "Dear God, I haven't seen this much pent-up rage since James Rolfe paid us a visit!"

---

Brian and Stewie were lazily lounging on the sofa, dully watching the television through half-opened eyes. Stewie was absent-mindedly flipping through channels and hoping to find something interesting. Eventually, he thought he found something. "Hmmm, I don't think we've ever seen this...Ninja Turtles III...."

All of a sudden, the Angry Video Game Nerd burst through the front door, with the infamous Shit Pickle on his shoulder and holding an NES Zapper. His scream of pent-up fury filled the house, then he yelled "COWABUNGA *BLEEEP*ING PIECE OF DOG *BLEEEP*!!!" at the top of his lungs. With that, he aimed his Zapper at the TV, which actually shot laser blasts a la Captain N.

"This movie is diarrhea coming out of my dick! This movie's as appealing as a *BLEEEP*ing ooze-infested dirty *BLEEEP*ing sewer rat *BLEEEP*!" he screamed while repeatedly shooting what remained of the TV. All the while, Brian and Stewie looked on dumbly as the Nerd continued his rant. "I'd have more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This movie's an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea and vomit it out a buffalo's anus! It sucking *BLEEEP*s, it *BLEEEP*ing sucks, it *BLEEEP*ing blows, it's a piece of *BLEEEP*...."

Finally, the Nerd stopped shooting the TV and finished by calmly saying, "And I don't like it." Then, he left as swiftly as he arrived, leaving Stewie and Brian alone to exchange confused looks.

---

Peter knew Lois couldn't keep up that pace forever, and finally, Lois snagged her foot on a chunk of smashed-up concrete, and she landed face-first on the ground. Lois looked back up, only to see Meg's crazed face hovering high overhead. "So long, Mom," she said icily, then raised her foot to stomp on her again. Lois was too hurt and too exhausted to move, and this time it was Peter's turn to save the day. Once again moving with speed that belied his portly frame, he rushed in, grabbed Lois and carried her out of harm's way just in time.

The shockwave once again knocked both of them flat on their faces. Peter and Lois struggled to get back up, knowing that Meg would be all over them again in a second. But it was too late. When Peter looked up again, he saw, instead of Meg's foot, her hand was coming for them. He instinctively shoved Lois away, only to realize too late that Meg was reaching for him. Her huge, tree trunk-like fingers curled around him, ensuring there was no escape. Then she brought him right up to her face. Meg glared at her helpless captive intently, and a chill ran up Peter's spine. The furious, deranged look in his daughter's eyes, her heavy breathing, her tightly-clenched teeth...it was all too obvious her grief had driven her completely insane.

"You...I won't finish right away," Meg said at length, her hysterical voice so loud it blew out Peter's eardrums. "No, you've got plenty to answer for. I don't think anyone's made my life more consistently miserable than you."

"Uh, now now M-Meg, let's just, um, calm down," Peter pleaded, feeling the weight of Meg's icy stare. "We can just...."

"SHUT UP!! Just SHUT UP, you fat retard!!" bellowed Meg. Her voice...it was like being next to a jet taking off, and the force of her shout...it was like being in a wind tunnel. "You think I've FORGOTTEN everything over the years!? All those practical jokes, that fake newspaper article, trying to sell me out like a street whore to get a pharmacy tab dropped, how you screwed up the best relationship I ever had...the list goes on and on!! Oh, and let's not forget making your daughter star in softcore fetish porn...do you have any idea how HUMILIATING that was!? Well, today was the last straw! You've pushed your luck TOO FAR THIS TIME!!"

Peter was about to say that Connie had lied, and that all his screw-ups over the years were from when he actually tried to help her...well, except for the occassional practical joke, he'd admit to that. The exploding watermelon was his personal favorite. He laughed to himself as he remembered the look on Meg's face after it went off, but the laughter ceased when he suddenly became aware that Meg's grip was slowly tightening. Peter struggled against her hold, but it was like being stuck in a giant iron vise...which was slowly closing in on him. He looked again to see Meg glaring at him, a wicked smile forming on her lips. She was obviously going to enjoy watching Peter pop like a bird that ate rice thrown at a wedding....

Blackness filled Peter's vision as the pain became unbearable. He was only vaguely aware of an odd whooshing noise. A second later, Meg let out a deafening scream, and suddenly she released him altogether. "What the...OH CRAP!!" Peter wailed, realizing he was in freefall, over fifty feet above the ground. Only the quick thinking of Lois, Chris and Neil saved him, and they all gathered round to catch him. Of course, it's not easy to try catching a fat guy falling a distance like that. Due to his sheer mass, and having plenty of time to pick up acceleration due to gravity....

Well, one could do all the physics calculations, but let's just say Peter hit bottom hard, pinned all three of them on the ground painfully, and leave it at that.

"Whew, that was close," muttered Peter as he rolled off of Lois, Chris and Neil, who were all groaning in pain. Then he looked up to see why Meg had dropped him. Meg had one hand on her shoulder, as if nursing some injury, but she wasn't looking down at them anymore. Rather, Meg had turned her attention back to the crowd. Or rather, all the cops that had been assigned to keep back protesters, along with several S.W.A.T. vans that had just arrived. And some of the new arrivals carried surface-to-air missile launchers and rocket-propelled grenade launchers.

But Peter had a bad feeling even with all that, they didn't even have a snowball's chance in Hell.

---

"Stand down now Meg, or we will have to resort to lethal force! Don't make us do this Meg!" came Joe Swanson's through a megaphone. Meg even saw some of the officers grip ther weapons just a little more tightly, a subtle sign of how, despite their bravado, they were five seconds away from peeing their pants.

As they very well should! Meg thought acidly, her dementia clouding her every thought. After a lifetime of humiliation, she was through with being pushed around and mocked, by anyone. From now on, anyone who crossed her would pay...oh, there would be hell to pay. Aloud, she said, "Oooh, I'm soooo scared. I think I'd better run."

And with that, Meg took a few steps toward the S.W.A.T. vans. All the officers immediately opened fire with everything they had. Thier machine gun fire...she barely felt the bullets bouncing off her thick skin; they were mere pinpricks to her. However, the missiles and grenades fired at her were a different story. They exploded against her skin with considerable force, and the scorching burns they left made her eyes water.

However, they didn't come close to stopping her, but only managed to slightly slow her down. And considering how close she had already been, Meg was still all over the cops in a heartbeat. With a guttural screech of fury, Meg brought her foot down, forcing several cops to dive out of the way. And all she had to do was gently sweep the area around her with her feet, knocking cops every which way, to ensure that no more grenades and missiles were fired at her.

The fact that she had dispersed all those cops in mere seconds filled Meg with a heady sense of power, which only served to fuel her bloodlust and desire for payback against a city that she believed was responsible for her torment. Why stop with only Connie and my family!? Meg thought. I'll show all of Quahog that you don't screw around with Meg Griffin anymore!!

Meg looked back down at the cops. Some were readying their weapons again. "You're obviously not getting the message!" Meg shrieked. "Here, lemme make it crystal clear!" She raised her foot again and stomped on a nearby cop car, flattening it instantly with a deafening crunch of glass and metal.

The gentle rain that had been falling moments before gave way to a heavy downpour, and lightning crackled all around the city. The booming thunder that accompanied it second later perfectly punctuated Meg's screams of wrathful fury. All the anger she had kept bottled up her entire life exploded out of her as she went on to smash more cop cars underneath her feet, forcing the officers to run for their lives, and Joe Swanson to roll out is if he was back at the Special Olympics. When she spotted the S.W.A.T. vans, an inspiration came to Meg. She picked up a van in each hand and then, with all her strength, threw them at the City Hall building. They crashed into the top floor, and just as Meg intended, they exploded, engulfing the entire top half of the building in billowing flames.

---

Peter and the others could only watch helplessly as Meg's wrathful rampage went on. The whole area was now illuminated thanks to the blazing City Hall. The pouring rain did nothing to stop the flames, and more lightning crackled around Quahog as Meg raised her arms in triumph, letting out a defiant, furious roar.

"Meg, my darling, I've never desired you more than I do now," Peter heard Neil say. Peter turned to see that Neil had found their camera and had been filming Meg going ballistic on the police.

"Someone, please, slap him. Hard," Brian pleaded tonelessly.

"Maybe we should slap her instead," Chris said suddenly, pointing at something. Peter turned to see what Chris was talking about. Connie had finally emerged again, having hid underneath part of the wrecked stage. And now she was making a break for it, running as far away from Meg as she could.

---

However, Meg had spotted her out of the corner of her eye, and also saw that more police were approaching from the direction Connie was headed in. Her rage flared up at as she remembered who had masterminded this whole thing. "YOU THINK THOSE COPS ARE GONNA PROTECT YOU, YOU PUNY LITTLE BITCH!?" she roared, lumbering over to the brigade of police.

The thunderous booming of Meg's gigantic footsteps rang in Connie's ears as she frantically ran among the cops, her heart hammering in her chest, escaping from the vengeful titaness being her only thought. When a cop on a police motorcycle stopped beside her, instinct fueled by pure fear took over. "GET OFF!" she screeched, shoving off the officer with strength fueled by sheer desperation. She quickly mounted the bike, turned it around, and hit the gas, taking off and accelerating to top speed in a matter of seconds.

Unfortunately for her, it wasn't nearly enough to keep ahead of Meg, who sprinted after her. Pure, mind-numbing terror filled Connie as she looked over her shoulder, seeing that Meg had closed the distance in a matter of seconds. And the look in her eyes, an icy glare that showed no mercy whatsoever, left Connie with no doubt that once Meg got hold of her, all she had to look forward to was a slow, painful demise.

Connie looked ahead and, to her utmost relief, saw that she was about to head under an overpass. Looking back, she saw Meg reaching down for her. However, the rain had made the roads slick, and she slipped, sliding into the overpass with a deafening crash just as Connie rode under it. Connie made it out from underneath it just before it collapsed completely, and she sped off without looking back.

---

Meg slowly rose, nursing her aching head and brushing off chunks of concrete. She looked past the wrecked overpass, seeing Connie's motorcycle round a corner and disappear from sight. As much as Meg hated to admit it, Connie had given her the slip.

For now.

"GO AHEAD, RUN AND HIDE, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SKANK!" Meg bellowed, knowing full well that Connie could hear her. "I DON'T CARE WHAT IT TAKES TO FIND YOU...I'LL RAZE THIS CITY TO THE GROUND UNTIL I GET HOLD OF YOU, AND THEN I'LL BURY YOU IN WHAT'S LEFT OF IT!! YOU HEAR ME CONNIE, I'LL...."

An unwelcome sound interrupted her tirade...the whirl of helicopter blades. Meg turned around to see two police choppers closings in on her, and they were armed with machine guns. Once they were in range, they opened fire, aiming for Meg's head. Fortunately for her, most of the bullets bounced harmlessly off her glasses. She narrowed her eyes dangerously, knowing this would instill fear in the pilots. Then Meg reached down, grabbed two large pieces of the collapsed overpass, and hurled them at the helicopters. The helicopters exploded as sveral tons of concrete smashed into them, and their wreckage fell to the streets below.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT!!" Meg shrieked, standing over the flaming wreckage. An intoxicating feeling of power fueled her madness. "THROW EVERYTHING YOU GOT AT ME, GO AHEAD!! NO ONE PUSHES ME AROUND ANYMORE!! NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME FROM...."

But Meg was cut off once more, this time by another unwelcome bout of flatulence. "OK, that-that's a real mood killer...." The following morning, the storm clouds had finally cleared, and the sun steadily rose over Quahog. The mood was deceptively peaceful; a specter of impending doom loomed over what was otherwise a beautiful morning....

In the Griffins' home, Peter and Brian sat in front of the television, as they had been for hours, sedulously watching for any news bulletins about Meg. After her failed attempt to catch Connie, Meg stormed right out of Quahog, which completely baffled all of them. Meg had seemed ready to tear apart all of Quahog in a blind rage right then and there, but for some reason, she had fled.

However, throughout the night, there had been scattered reports of Meg going on a rampage in areas right outside of Quahog. The heavy storm clouds had made it difficult to keep track of her, even with satellites, so when she had struck, most of the time she took everyone completely by surprise.

It had been an hour since the last report of an attack, and the waiting was making Peter and Brian anxious. Any minute now, they expected another newsflash of Meg razing something to the ground, or hear her thunderous footsteps coming down the street, heralding her returning to seek revenge on them all.

"Oh, this is all my fault," said Peter remorsefully, leaning back on the sofa. "Lois was right, I never should've went ahead with that stupid movie. I thought I could use the money to make sure Meg would be set for life, but all it did was help push Meg over the edge."

"Well, in hindsight, the movie was probably a retarded idea," Brian admitted dully. "But you're not entirely to blame; no, it's that bitch Connie who pushed Meg to the breaking point. Frankly, I won't weep for her if...when she gets crushed under Meg's heel, but the fact remains that Meg'll tear apart Quahog to find her...."

"You're right, Brian. Oh, if there was only some way to get through to Meg, get her to calm down," said Peter.

"Well, considering how she bought Connie's lie and now thinks we conspired to kill her...Hillary Clinton has a better chance of wooing superdelegates than we've got of reasoning with Meg," Brian replied.

Just then, Lois walked in. Like the rest of them, she looked like she hadn't slept all night. "Well, any word?" she asked breathlessly.

"Nothin'. Not a peep for over an hour," answered Peter quickly. "I mean, you'd think all the media gluttons would be all over something like this. What other freaky stuff is there to beat like a dead horse, huh? Hannah Montana performing artificial insemination on a wolverine?" Peter asked dryly.

At that exact moment, there was broadcast from the Oval Office. "My fellow Americans, as many already know, a terrible tragedy threatens to engulf Quahog, Rhode Island," said President Bush. "Unfortunately, since almost all the army and National Guard is stuck in Iraq, I have no clue what to do. So in the meantime, I hope you'll be distracted by the improbable scenario of Hannah Montana performing artificial insemination on a wolverine."

With that, the camera panned around, revealing that Miley Cyrus was indeed performing artificial insemination on a wolverine held down by Secret Service agents; the teenage superstar had a God-take-me-now look on her face. And wouldn't you know it, the wolverine broke loose and jumped on Miley Cyrus, mauling the crap out of her. Screams of agony filled the Oval Office, but eventually, she got the wolverine off of her. The wolverine chased her around the Oval Office a few times before Miley Cyrus, making a desperate gambit, jumped right out a window. But naturally, the wolverine jumped out after her.

Peter, Lois and Brian, all stared at the television with dumbfounded looks. "For the first time since I can't remember when, mere words fail me," said Brian at length.

A little while later, Chris and Stewie walked into the living room, and at the same time Neil burst through the front door. "Um, pardon me, but have you heard anything yet?" asked Neil.

"Nope, sorry, the biggest case of PMS in history is still AWOL," said Stewie acidly.

"I don't get it, Meg looked ready to go Godzilla, but she ran off. Why?" asked Chris.

"Who knows, Chris. It's like her anger's turned her into a mindless monster...who knows what she'll do?" replied Lois.

"Umm, y'know, now that I think about it, I think it's more like her mind's been reduced to a state of primal predatory instinct," said Brian. Before anyone could ask him to elaborate, he got up and went out the door, saying, "Lemme get something out of my car." When he returned, he was holding a road map and a marker. "I think I finally see a pattern in Meg's attacks," he said as he made Xs on the map. Then he showed them the map. A series of Xs surrounded th Quahog area almost entirely. "These aren't just random attacks, Meg's systematically taking out every route in and out of Quahog. Bridges, major roads, interstates, everything...."

At that moment, there was another news bulletin. "You see, she did it again. There goes another road and...." Brian's eyes widened when he got a better look at the screen. "Oh my God, please tell me that's just a rockslide."

"Now I get it. Meg's cutting off every avenue of escape from Quahog," said Lois. "But...why?"

"Isn't it obvious? She wants to make damn sure that Connie - and we - don't get away. And it's a safe bet she blames everyone in the city for ostracizing her her entire life. She doesn't want ANYONE getting away." Brian looked at the television again. "And if she cuts off access by sea and air...checkmate."

---

Cleveland Brown sat alone at the very edge of the dock, lazily holding a fishing pole, patiently waiting for some fish to nibble on the bait. Suddenly, Seamus lumbered up behind him. "Arr matey, it not be wise t' be out an' about, not when that seacow-turned-leviathan Meg Griffin is on th' loose!"

"Oh Seamus, you worry too much," drawled Cleveland. "Meg's long gone from Quahog, and the army'll catch up to her soon enough. There's nothing to...." But Cleveland's already slow words trailed off when he noticed that something had taken the bait.

"Arrr, I bet me life the she-devil's gonna rise up an' wreck the dock, just like in that lousy American Godzilla remake!" cried Seamus. He fully expected the gigantic form of Meg to rise right before them, slowly and dramatically and methodically like a stereotypical sea monster, totaling the dock simply with the waves she would create.

However, Seamus was way off. All that happened was Cleveland reeling in a catfish over a foot long. "Well, I'll be damned," Cleveland said smugly to Seamus, holding up his catch triumphantly.

Seamus glared intently at Cleveland. "A nice catch matey, to be sure. Nevertheless, no one of us is safe, 'specially here in Quahog's docks," Seamus warned. "Arr, I feel it in me bones, I do. Every instinct be tellin' me that any second now, the she-monster will rise and destroy the docks, like some giant kraken of legend. Any second now, the creature will make her dramatic entrance, she will!"

Well, Seamus was half-right at least. He was wrong about Meg making a spectacle of her arrival at the docks, though. Proving that not all giant monsters have to be noisy and lumbering, Meg had actually stealthily risen right beside the dock, and had overheard Cleveland and Seamus's entire conversation. She had ditched her paint-soaked clothes, leaving her only in her glasses and two-piece swimsuit. Meg glared down at them with that piercing, vexed gaze of hers a while longer, then decided to get to business. She brought one fist crashing down onto the middle of the dock, catapulting Cleveland and Seamus high into the sky.

Meg watched them fly over the horizon, bitterness swelling within her as she reflected on their words. So, they think I'm just a monster? Something to be hunted down and exterminated like a wild animal? Fine. With that, she climbed out of the water and onto the dock, eliciting screams of panic from the dockworkers, now that she had finally made her presence known. Meg found herself relishing their cries of terror as she began smashing up the dock warehouses with her bare fists.

"You all wanted to be scared of me before? Fine! I'll give all of you a REAL reason to be scared!!" she bellowed as she continued her rampage, leaving nothing but destruction in her wake. She moved down the port, crushing shops and parked cars underneath her bare feet, making sure to scatter debris everywhere. She also picked up small fishing boats and yachts right out of the water, then tossed them right into buildings. But Meg took deliberate care to smash apart every dock she came across to ensure no ships could use the port for a good long while. After only a few more minutes, Meg had more or less leveled Quahog's port entirely.

"Well, that's that," Meg said triumphantly, her hands on her hips as she surveyed what moments ago had been a bustling port, qhich now looked as if a tornado cut a swath through it. "Now there's just one more little errand, then I can get down to business...."

---

Glenn Quagmire talked into the mic of his cockpit as he went through the final preparations for takeoff. "Good morning, passengers. Will everyone please turn off all cell phones, laptops, Game Boys, and...." A loud thumping noise that shook the entire plane cut him off. "What in the hell?" asked Quagmire as the rumbling went on. He looked out the cockpit window, but nothing looked out of the ordinary.

Then, at last, he saw what was causing the commotion. Out the left side of the cockpit window, Meg's titanic form came into view, bending over to grab one of the smaller planes...and giving Quagmire a perfect view of her ass. Meg proceeded to pick up the plane, then she lifted one leg and brought it down forcefully upon it, snapping it in half.

Predictibly, however, the fact that Meg was planning to single-handedly raze the airport to the ground didn't register in Quagmire's perverted mind. Once again, he was too enraptured from watching Meg's scantily-clad, giant body to think of much else. Quagmire picked up the mic again. "Ladies and gentlemen, those seated on the left can also look out the window and get a glimpse of the biggest, jiggliest titties ever and the most gloriously huge feet in history," he said while doing his head-bob. "Awright!"

Unfortunately, Quagmire's bliss was short-lived. It wasn't long before Meg made her way over to Quagmire's plane. She glanced through the cockpit window, seeing Quagmire looking back with that sly, lusty expression of his. But that expression faded when Meg glared back with a look of pure hate, and the gravity of his situation finally sunk in. However, Quagmire didn't have much longer to dwell on it. Meg went over to the back of the plane and, with a tremendous effort, turned it around so that it faced the terminal. Then, with one mighty shove with her foot, send it careening toward the terminal.

The plane smashed into the terminal, demolishing it instantly. The sound of shattering glass and twisting metal filled the ears of all those lucky enough to escape. Meg stared at the totaled terminal for a few moments; more and more, she was reveling in her power and the destruction she could single-handedly bring about, and it only served to inflame her bloodlust even more. And besides, she wouldn't be satsified until Connie, Neil and her family got what was coming to them.

And it won't be much longer, Meg thought with sadistic glee. That's it...I've cut off all escape by land, sea and air! So now, Quahog is mine to do with as I please!

---

As noon approached, and the tension and anxiety within the Griffin household steadily built up to unbearable levels, Lois had taken over the vigil of watching the television for any news. And then, finally....

"EVERYONE, GET IN HERE!!" she exclaimed, the fear in her voice palpable. The rest of the family immediately rushed in and looked at the television to see there was an emergency news bulletin. Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons were already halfway through their report when everyone had gathered around.

"And after methodically smashing up every road and bridge leading in and out of Quahog, then wrecking the docks and airport, the supersized menace Meg Griffin has finally come back to Quahog," said Tom Tucker. "Let's go now to Ollie Williams, who's at the scene in our chopper. What's going on, Ollie?"

The scene quickly changed to Ollie Williams, who sat in a flaming helicopter's cockpit. "WE'RE GOING DOWN!" he yelled panickingly, wide-eyed with terror.

"Thanks Ollie," Tom said insouciantly, the scene shifting back to him and Diane. "Anyway, she's already begun carving a swath of death and destruction through the business district. Psychologists believe that severe stress, compounded with an apparent effort to poison her, drove Meg Griffin to the breaking point, although there's a running bet in the newsroom that she's just on her period. In which case, it's only a matter of time before she starts menstruating all over us."

"And while we wait for all the angry e-mails from pissy feminists, let's go on the scene with Asian Correspondent Trisha Takanawa," Diane Simmons said quickly.

The scene shifted to the top of a building that stood a block away from the Pawtucket Brewery. Trisha Takanawa stood in front of the camera, her arm in a cast and sling, and her head wrapped in bandages, no doubt because of her last encounter with the titanic teenager.

"Thank you, Diane," said Trisha, just as Meg stepped into view behind her, kicking aside parked cars and trucks. It wasn't long before the street was ablaze with flaming, wrecked cars. She then began bringing down her fists on the brewery's roof, no doubt intending to make it collapse in on itself. "As you can see, the homicidal bitch is busily smashing up everything in sight, and so far local law enforcement has been unable to muster enough manpower and firepower to stop her," said Trisha in her usual stoic manner. At that moment, the outer wall of the brewery had crumbled away, and Meg reached inside and took out what looked like a vat of hard liquor. She filled her mouth with some of it, then knelt down. She spewed out some of the liquor onto the street and farted at the exact same moment, sending an alcohol-fueled inferno down one end of the street and a volley of fiery, farty death down the other.

"However, there are reports that the Pentagon is readying the Air Force to take action, should local forces prove incapable of containing this menace," Trisha went on. "It remains to be seen if...."

But then, some Asian guy stepped in front of the camera, repeatedly saying, "Godzilla! Godzilla! Godzilla!"

Trisha's stoice demeanor melted away, giving the unwelcome arrival a sideays glance. "Will you stop that, that's embarrassing," she said through gritted teeth. But after one furtive glance at that guy, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye and motioned for the cameraman to focus on it. The camera panned to the left to reveal that, indeed, it really WAS Godzilla, using his atomic breath to incinerate an entire city block.

"HEY!" came Meg's resounding, indignant cry, following by the sound of her booming, angry stomping as she made her way over to Godzilla. The giant radioactive lizard turned to looked down at her as she glared up at him angrily; Godzilla still had a good fifty feet on Meg, but she didn't appear intimidated in the least. "Wha-What the hell is this!?" she huffed, sounding insulted. "Come on, are you telling me you just HAD to swim all the way from Tokyo just to wreck THIS particular city on THIS particular day!?"

Godzilla let out his trademark roar, but this only incensed Meg even more rather than cowing her into submission. "DON'T YOU ROAR AT ME!" she shot back, pointing up at Godzilla. "Look, Mr. Godzilla, with all due respect, this is, well, MY vengeance-fueled rampage of destruction, and if you butt in on it...i-it just ruins the whole thing. Really, can't you let someone ELSE have the thrill of single-handedly razing a city to the ground!?"

Godzilla remained silent, gazing down at Meg intently. They stared at each other for a few more moments, until Meg finally said, "Oh, ENOUGH ALREADY!! You can do without getting in on the giant monster action just once! Go on, shoo shoo shoo!" She motioned for Godzilla to just go away, and finally he relented, turning and lumbering away with his head hung low, muttering something under his breath.

That is, until Sakura Kinomoto showed up, once again having used the Big card to grow to gargantuan size, and blindsided Godzilla with a whack from her staff. He fell flat on his face, but Sakura proceeded to bash Godzilla's skull in repeatedly, and also kicked him while he was down for good measure. Once Godzilla was out cold, Sakura grabbed him by the tail and dragged him away.

---

Godzilla, the most popular movie monster ever, star of 28 movies...gets his ass handed to him by a 11-year-old schoolgirl from a girly-ass anime. Boy am I gonna get flamed for that one....

Well, there you have it, what you were all waiting for, Meg making like a movie monster from the 50s qand smashing the crap out of everything in sight! Now, I know some out there are probably disappointed because it looked like Connie got away scot free, but worry not.... For that, I have something EXTRA SPECIAL planned.

Happy Earth Day, or something,
Grey-X

Peter drove through the streets of downtown Quahog, and predictably, he was driving like a madman. But at least this time, he had good reason to be. After all, it was HIS daughter who had grown to monstrous proportions and was now terrorizing the city, so he and his family bore some responsibility. Of course, he had no idea what the hell they were actualy supposed to DO once they found her. And considering Meg wouldn't be too hard to find, Peter knew he had to think of something fast.

Of course, no one in their right mind would expect Peter to come up with some brilliant scheme in less than thirty seconds. Fortunately, Lois seemed to have that covered. "Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh," she said while on her cell phone. "Got it, we'll see what we can do, bye." She hung up and turned to Peter. "Peter, there's some good news. The doctors and engineers at the hospital think the colonoscope is finally ready. If we could somehow get Meg to relax and agree to...."

"Oh please, woman! Face it, those simpletons were about twenty hours too late! Do you honestly believe there's any reasoning with that psychotic ogress now!?" said Stewie vociferously. He was sitting in the back seat, between Neil and Chris. "It'd be easier trying to get Britney Spears...no, wait, I can't go there. Too easy."

"Hold on, Stewie!" said Brian, leaning over the back seat. "Can't you just use one of those tranquilizers again? That would put her to sleep long enough!"

Stewie's mocking tone gave way to one of awkwardness. "Um, well, about that, you see...I only had three of those, and...I used the other two already."

"Oh great!" exclaimed Brian. "What the hell for!?"

---

Stewie drove a jeep at top speed down a worn jungle path, with an injured Jeff Goldblum in the back, who was repeatedly mumbling, "Must go faster, must go faster." And with good reason, for they were being chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And perhaps unsurprisingly, this T-Rex was yet another memorable monster from cinema who had a voice like Bruce the gay hynotherapist.

"Y'know what, I'm gonna eat y'all," said the T-Rex, its head coming dangerously close to the back of the jeep. "Hmmm, I think I'll eat this guy first. Bite off one of them hairy legs. Then bite off the other one too...."

"Ah shaddap!" yelled Stewie in the manner of Slyvester, pulling out his tranquilizer gun. He shot a dart into the T-Rex's open mouth, and it instantly collapsed in a heap.

Stewie brought the jeep to a screeching halt. Jeff Goldblum looked back at the snoozing T-Rex. "Well, that was...." he began, but then Stewie's last dart plunged into his neck, and he too dropped.

"That was for starring in Cats & Dogs!" shouted Stewie hatefully. "Dear God, that movie was the biggest piece of *BLEEEP* I ever saw!!"

---

"Don't worry, Brian. Dr. Hartman says they can just use all the sedatives they've got at the hospital," said Lois. "Now, I have no idea how they plan to administer them, but Dr. Hartman said we should just worry about finding a way to get Meg there."

"And, uh, how the hell are we supposed to do that?" asked Peter.

"Two words, Fat Man: live bait," snapped Stewie.

"Unfortunately, Stewie's right," said Brian. "And whatever we do, we better do it soon. You heard Ms. Takanawa...the president's liable to order an air strike if this keeps up."

"But where is she? You'd figure she wouldn't be THAT hard to find!" said Lois. "Hold on, lemme turn on the radio. Maybe they'll mention where...PETER, LOOK OUT!!!" Peter looked ahead to see a water tower, ripped clean off of some building, come crashing down onto the street. It burst open as it struck the street, unleashing a tremendous wave of water that rushed down the street, sweeping up everything as it rushed past, including their station wagon. The wagon only stopped when it slammed into the side of another building. "Never mind. I think we're close," Lois finished dejectedly.

"Damn, it's gonna take forever to buff all that out!" said Peter. He turned the keys to restart the engine, but nothing happened. "Come on, come on...."

"Give it a minute, Peter. It should...." But Brian's voice trailed off as booming tremors made the street quake, jostling them all. "Never mind, we obviously don't HAVE a minute...."

They all looked around nervously, trying to determine which direction the tremors were coming from, but they seemed to come from everywhere, resonating all around them. Finally, they saw Meg's titanic form step out from between two buildings. One look at her face - the clenched teeth, the maniacal look in her eyes - made it all too clear nothing had changed over the last few hours. Meg was still hellbent on causing at much death and destruction as she could before finally finding Connie.

"WHERE ARE YOU, CONNIE!!? COME OUT AND FACE ME, YOU LITTLE COWARD!!" Meg bellowed, looking down carefully at the street below her; luckily, she had yet to notice her family's wagon at the very end of it. She walked down the street, idly kicking aside cars that had been caught up in the torrentous wave. "ON SECOND THOUGHT, DO TAKE YOUR TIME CONNIE!! I'M HAVING TOO MUCH FUN TRYING TO FLUSH YOU OUT!!" And with that, she took a more aggressive approach. She brought up one leg and launched a kick right into an apartment building; her leg effortlessly tore through it, and it collapsed almost instantly. Then she turned around and launched an uppercut into another building, tearing away almost half of the wall and causing broken glass and bricks to rain down on the street below. And the look on her face, it was one of pure exultation! Once again, it was all too obvious the rage she had kept bottled up all her life had finally warped her mind. She wouldn't be happy until Quahog was in ruins.

"Oh my God, we gotta stop her before she wrecks the whole town! Peter, get the car started!" Lois cried anxiously, no doubt fearing that Meg would spot them any second now. However, something else had caught Meg's eye. A wicked grin crossed her face, then she noisily lumbered out of sight. Fortunately, Peter had gotten the car started again, and sped off after Meg.

After rounding a corner, they saw Meg approaching the local bottling plant. The plant's workers fled in a panic as Meg stomped across the parking lot, flattening more cars underneath her bare feet. Once she reached the plant, she wasted no time tearing down the walls and ripping off the roof. Once that was done, Meg reached in and pulled out a large vat. Just as she had done at the brewery, she emptied the vat's contents right into her mouth. Hundreds of gallons of soda were being guzzled down in mere seconds. "What's she doing now, trying to get a sugar high too!?" Stewie asked sarcastically.

But Peter noticed the way she was purposefully gulping down lots of air as she guzzled down all the soda. Being someone who had elevated atrocious table manners into an art form, Peter knew exactly what Meg was trying to do. "Everyone, I humbly suggest covering thine ears," he said, then stuck his fingers in his own ears and braced for the inevitable.

The rest of them stared at Peter blankly, wondering what Peter was talking about. They learned soon enough. After finally sucking down every last drop of soda in the vat, Meg threw it aside and reared her head back. When she flung her head forward, she opened her mouth and cut loose with a thunderously loud, ridiculously long belch. Meg belched so loudly, the entire ground quaked, far worse than when she stomped through the streets. Everyone else in the wagon and all the fleeing workers screamed in agony and clasped their hands over their ears. All the buildings on the blocks trembled with a frighful intensity, and not only that, the sonic vibrations shattered just about every window within a five-block radius. A cacophony of shattering glass and car alarms mixed with Meg's belch.

Finally, Meg's burping ceased. Peter looked out the front of his car, now devoid of a windshield, to see Meg still standing over the plant triumphantly. "Excuse me," she said with a smile, an air of mock courtesy about her.

Slowly but surely, everyone else in the car recovered, the ringing in their ears finally dying down. "P-Peter, let's g-get m-moving," stammered Lois. "We need to lure her to the hospital, w-we have to get her to chase us," she continued, though from the tone of her voice it was evident she wasn't too thrilled about the plan.

Peter simply nodded and drove forward into the plant's parking lot, where Meg was kicking around the cars she hadn't trampled earlier. After swerving to avoid a couple of cars flung his way, Peter finally drove the wagon close enough for Meg to notice them. Eventually, Meg noticed the station wagon approach her. Everyone in the car watched with apprehension as Meg's gaze slowly drifted down toward them. Her icy glare fixed down on them, and for several seconds she regarded them carefully, as if trying to decide something.

"What's going on? She's not taking the bait," said Brian impatiently. "Come on, we've got to do something to piss Meg off so...."

Brian stopped when he heard Neil say, "Oh my darling, my awesomely beautiful engine of destruction." Brian turned to see Neil leaning out the window, digital camcorder in hand.

"Never mind. That should do just fine," said Brian flatly.

Brian's words proved prophetic, for at that moment Meg leaned forward, trying to plant her bare foot on the wagon. Peter quickly went into reverse, avoiding her foot at the last possible second. He then did a quick 180 turn and barreled away from what remained of the bottling plant. Peter kept his eyes on the road as he sped forward at over a hundred miles per hour, but the thunderous tremors going off behind them let him know Meg was hot on their tail.

Peter maneuvered at best he could, swerving wildly to avoid crashing into other cars. However, Meg simply ran forward, not caring whether she stepped on any other cars as she pursued her family. And of course, all the while, Neil kept filming Meg as she chased them.

"Keep it up, Peter! The hospital's just another mile or two away!" cried Lois, screaming with an anxious vehemence they all shared. However, after a while, they became aware of how Meg's booming footfalls were fading away.

After a few seconds, Peter risked a quick glance behind them, seeing Meg was no longer in pursuit. "What in the hell!? Where'd she...."

"PETER, WATCH OUT!!!" Lois shrieked. Peter quickly looked back ahead to see that Meg had somehow gotten in FRONT of them, with one foot resting on its ball. Peter had no time to slow down or change direction before the wagon crashed right underneath Meg's bare foot. Just as everyone started to get over the shock of the crash, Meg began to press down with her foot. Everyone screamed as they ducked down, the car slowly being crushed with them still in it....

Suddenly, though, it stopped. Peter peered out warily, seeing Meg's hand reaching down for the wrecked wagon. She brought it up to her face, glaring at all of them icily. "You know, I was going to kill you all now," she said in a frosty, steely tone. "But no, I think I'll wait until I find Connie. I'll save ALL of you for last, after I've had my fun flattening Quahog." She carelessly dropped the wagon on a nearby rooftop, jostling them all violently. Meg looked down at them again, a nasty look in her eyes. "Now, where should I put you until...."

All of a sudden, Meg let out a cry of surprise, which mingled with the sound of machine gun fire. She spun around while rubbing her back, seeing two more police helicopters zeroing in on her.

---

Forced to deal with more pressing concerns, Meg dived out of the way just as the helicopters opened fire again. As he looked around, she spotted a construction site nearby, and the equipment in it....

Meg smiled wickedly again, making a break for the construction site. The helicopters followed, but kept just out of arm's reach as they kept up their barrage. The bullets hurt, but couldn't do Meg any serious harm. They were merely a nuisance, one she would take great pleasure in getting rid of.

She reached over into the construction site and grabbed the crane left in it...one with a wrecking ball. She brandished it like a ball and chain, glaring back at the pilots. Once they figured out what Meg was planning, it was too late. Meg swung the wrecking ball forward and it smashed into one helicopter just as the other flew backwards. Flaming wreckage tumbled to the streets below as Meg stepped forward, taking another swing that took out the other helicopter.

Meg had little time to revel in her victory, however. She heard several engines approaching. Glancing over her shoulder, Meg saw several police cars and S.W.A.T. vans closing in. Meg took a good look around her, trying to decide where it was best to make her stand. As she looked around, an idea came to her. She smiled as she turned and walked down another street, knowing the cops would follow her....

---

Joe Swanson led the brigade sent out to deal with the insane, towering teenager. Like everyone else, he was surprised how a quiet girl like Meg could simply explode with homicidal rage. Guess it just went to show that eventually, those pushed too far will always push back. Unfortunately for Quahog, Meg was pushing back at a time when she had the strength to topple buildings like dominoes.

"Ya think we have enough firepower to take her down this time?" asked Joe's partner, the anxiety in his voice palpable.

"Let's just hope we can keep Meg busy until the tanks can close in, and then hopefully that'll be enough to take her out," said Joe tonelessly as he rounded the corner and drove after Meg.

"It's just doesn't feel right, using all this artillery against a poor, tortured girl, and...wait a second, she's just standing there, about a thousand feet ahead," said his partner. "I don't like this...she's got the sun to her back! Isn't that an old military trick?"

Joe looked ahead, wondering what Meg was up to. Indeed, the sun was behind Meg, but he didn't see how that could help Meg. Even with the sun's glare, Meg was an easy target. Joe got his answer when Meg took off her glasses and held them over her head. When she held them at just the right angle....

A blazing beam of focused sunlight shot out through the lens of her glasses, aimed at the oncoming brigade of cops. The beam cut a swath across the street, leaving a trail of billowing flame across the asphalt and destroying any vehicle caught in its path. Less than half of the cars and vans sent after Meg managed to evade the deadly laser, clinging to the sides of the road in a desperate attempt to sty out of its reach. Once they got close enough, safely out of the laser's trajectory, the officers quickly got out of their cars and assembled, readying their missile launchers and rocket-propelled grenades.

---

Meanwhile, the Griffins were slowly recovering from the shock of the crash. Brian, Stewie and Neil had gotten out first, and of course, Neil was zooming in on the carnage with the camera. "Oh my dearest, once again your brilliance shines through as you dream up such brilliant ways to unleash your ultra-sexy rage," he said.

Stewie sighed and shook his head. "Ugh, there's no way we'll lure Meg to that hospital. It's obvious we'll have to get that crystal out of her big fat ass some other way, and I know just how to do it. I'm not sure if all the repairs are complete, but...."

Brian saw Stewie press a button on his watch. Several seconds passed, but nothing happened. Brian kept watching and waiting for something spectacular so intently, that he scarcely was aware of what sounded like a mosquito zipping past him. Whatever it was, it landed by Stewie, and to Brian's surprise, it suddenly expanded into his personal flying craft. "So, it's...working again?" Brian asked awkwardly.

"Yes, no thanks to you," snapped Stewie.

---

The mosquito-sized craft landed on the table, a few feet away from Lois. Stewie glared out the cockpit window, up at the towering form of his mother. "Oh yes, I think I'll have a bite to eat, Lois," he said evilly. "And once you get a taste of this toxin I've cooked up, you'll...."

But unfortunately for Stewie, Brian was seated at the table as well, leisurely reading the morning paper. And evidently, he was well aware of Stewie's scheme, for he brought the tip of his thumb down onto Stewie's miniaturized craft without looking up from his paper, practically flattening it.

"Ahh, you impertinent, ass-dragging...." Stewie began, but Brian added insult to injury by 'accidently' spilling his mug of coffee on the table. Stewie's string of profanities were choked off as a boiling sea of coffee washed over him.

---

Wasting no more time on words, Stewie boarded his craft and promptly miniaturized it back to the size of a mosquito. It flew toward Meg at top speed. Stewie had to fight back a twinge of apprehension, now that his crazed sister now looked even more impossibly, freakishly gigantic than ever before.

He waited for the right opportunity, and when Meg finally opened her mouth, laughing in triumph, Stewie jammed the stick forward and flew right into her cavernous maw. He soared past teeth the size of mountains, over a tongue bigger than Long Island, then dove down and descended into Meg's throat.

---

Unsurprisingly, Meg was completely oblivious to Stewie's intrusion, being too busy dealing with the cops that had survived. They unleashed everything they had, firing dozens of missiles and rocket-propelled grenades at her. This time, so many came at her at once, Meg couldn't advance, being forced to cross her arms in front of her in a vain attempt to defend herself. Their weapons left painful burns and some even penetrated her skin. Globs of thick, hot blood splattered all over the street.

Unfortunately, the cops eventually had to reload. As soon as Meg sensed a lull in their barrage, she charged forward with a guttural battle cry. Ignoring the pain from the few missiles and grenades still coming at her, she ran at them and, just like at city hall, dispersed them all with one sweep of her foot. The lucky ones merely had half the bones in their bodies broken.

But no sooner did she rid herself of one threat before another immediately reared its head. Meg heard tanks approaching from behind her. She whirled around, seeing five tanks drawing near. Whoever was operating them wasted no time with warnings...or rather, their warning came in the form of a single shot. The blast was aimed squarely at Meg's stomach....

And the shell merely sunk into her belly, then bounced off as if it were made of rubber.

An awkward silence fell over the street. Meg glared at the tanks, then down at the shell lying on the road, then back at the tanks. "OK, so I AM a little chubby! Bite me!"

The tank commanders opted to keep firing instead, this time aiming for areas like Meg's knees, arms and face. However, Meg didn't obligingly say still for them. A split second before the shells would have hit her, Meg ducked down another street. Since the tanks weren't as mobile as the helicopters and the S.W.A.T. vans, she could simply come around and....

Once it dawned on the tank commanders what Meg had in mind, it was too late. Meg emerged from a building behind them just as the tanks turned their turrets around. But before they could fire, Meg reached for the first one. She hoisted it up effortlessly, lifting it over her head, then with a furious scream hurled it through a building.

---

By now, Peter and the others had recovered, managing to pry their way loose from their compacted wagon. And as usual, the fact that Stewie was inexplicibly missing didn't seem to register in Peter and Lois's minds. Of course, since they were helplessly watching Meg's reign of terror, perhaps it was understandable.

"Oh my poor baby...the mayor's throwing everything in Quahog at her!" Lois exclaimed, on the verge of tears.

"True, though I think he should be more worried about the cops than Meg," said Peter, watching as Meg took out another tank by stomping on it.

"We've got to try luring her to the hospital again. She's injured, tiring...if we can find another car, next time we should be able to keep ahead of her," said Brian. "But you heard what she said, she wants to save us for last. Somehow I doubt she'll obligingly follow us again...."

"Then perhaps all we need is to provide an extra incentive," said Neil, who was STILL filming Meg's wrathful rampage.

"What do you mean?" asked Lois.

"Isn't it obvious? Her primary target in all this has been Connie D'Amico. If she thinks we've got her, she'd follow us into the depths of Hell itself," replied Neil.

"But there's no telling what rock that worthless skank has crawled under!" snapped Brian. "It'd take too long to find her!"

"Ah, but I said, 'If she THINKS we've got her,'" repeated Neil. "If we find someone who resembles her, that should be enough. From Meg's perspective, she probably can't tell the difference between a lookalike and the real thing."

Brian pondered it for a moment. "Well, it's not like we've got a better plan. So let's do it before the president gives the Air Force the green light...."

---

Meanwhile, Stewie was busily navigating Meg's bloodstream, making his way to Meg's ass. Or at least, he was trying to. At the moment, he was hopelessly lost.

"Oh bloody hell! This is far harder than navigating the Fat Man's body. Completely different physiology, radically different scale. Argh, I have no *BLEEEP*ing clue where I'm going!" exclaimed Stewie dejectedly. Desperate to figute out just where he was, he activated his sensors, trying to get a bead on his surroundings.

"Hmmm, there seems to be an enormous amount of calcium ions close by. Odd, I don't detect many of the other minerals found in bone tissue. I don't seem to be near any dense regions of nerve tissue either. Just where the hell...." Suddenly, it dawned on Stewie. "OH, DAMN IT ALL TO BLOOD-SUCKING PUS-SPEWING HELL!!" he screamed, revulsion overwhelming him. So shocked was he by the realization, he lost his concentration and his craft crashed into the side of the blood vessel....

---

Meg had finally disposed of the last tank, lifting it over her head and ripping it in half. She stared at the halves of the tank for a moment, recalling that she once OWNED a tank...because of how her retarded father inisted on using her car money for that instead of the one she wanted. She let out another cry of fury, ready to toss the tank's remains through another building.

It was then that Meg became aware of a strange itch in her right nipple. So instead, she simply let the halves of the tank drop to the street and promptly scratched the itch. Then, after rearranging herself, she stomped down the street again, ready to flatten more buildings.

Luckily, she took no notice of her family crowded around a sports car parked along the street. Lois was busy trying to hotwire the car, while Brian looked around impatiently, waiting for Peter and Chris to come back. And of course, Neil was still dutifully filming Meg's every move as she stomped down the street.

"Oh, this isn't going to work!" spat Brian. "Anyone with half a brain is always miles away from here! What're the odds of finding anyone that even remotely looks like Connie!?"

"Are ye of little faith?" came Peter's voice from behind him. Brian turned around, and his jaw dropped when he saw that Peter and Chris really HAD found someone who resembled Connie. She was barely conscious and tied up, but when Brian recognized exactly who she was....

"Peter, where the hell did you find her!?" Brian demanded. "Has Fox News started broadcasting out of Quahog or something!? This is Ann Coulter!"

Peter glanced over at Ann Coulter for a moment. "What, if you think Meg won't fall for...."

"No no no, it's not that at all," Brian said quickly. "She's blond, skinny, skanky-looking enough and bitchy enough. She's perfect. We couldn't ask for a better lookalike."

It looked as if their conversation was starting to rouse Coulter. Once Brian noticed this, he took a crow bar out of the car and promptly whacked Coulter upside the head with it, knocking her out again. "Releasing a little pent-up liberal rage, Brian?" asked Lois.

"Of course," Brian replied simply. He raised the crow bar, as if offering it to Lois. "Care to join me?"

"Love to," said Lois, grabbing the crow bar and landing a crushing blow of her own.

---

Now that Meg had eliminated the immediate opposition, she was free to go back to wreaking havoc with impunity. And wreak havoc she did, going down the street and slamming her fists and her feet through just about every building she came across. Tons of debris rained down and scattered across the street, making things much more difficult for the masses fleeing Meg's rampage. Among them was about a dozen cowardly Covenant Grunts, screaming things like "Noo-hooo-hooo!!" and "We're all gonna die!!" Also among those running for dear life was Miley Cyrus; of course, in her case, it had more to do with the wolverine that had chased her clear across the east coast.

However, after a few minutes of uninterrupted mayhem, another threat reared its head. "Alright Meg, enough is enough!" came Joe Swanson's blaring voice, obviously coming through a megaphone. Meg looked over her shoulder to see the police captain in the middle of the street among the wreckage. "You've got one last chance to stand down, or we use our trump card."

Meg narrowed her eyes as she looked down at Joe, smiling evilly at him. "Oh realllllly," she drawled. "And what might that be?" From the tone of her voice, it was all too obvious there was no way she'd back down now.

Joe Swanson let out a regretful sigh. "I'm sorry it had to come to this Meg, but you've left us no choice. Everyone, FORM THE CRIPPLETRON!!!"

Suddenly, dozens - perhaps hundreds - of handicapped people in wheelchairs came out of nowhere, zooming toward Joe. Meg gasped in astonishment as they piled up on top of each other, slowly assembling what resembled a giant robot, eventually reaching a height of about sixty feet. That was still much shorter than Meg's height, but still big enough to do some serious damage.

When Joe finally took his place at the top, he took advantage of Meg's momentary shock and the CrippleTron lunged forward, delivering a devastating punch to her midsection. The blow knocked her back and she landed flat on her ass, causing the pavement beneath her to crack and buckle under her weight. The CrippleTron charged forward, but Meg lashed out with a kick, sweeping it off its feet.

Within seconds Meg was back on her feet, rushing toward the downed CrippleTron. The CrippleTron tried to defend itself with a kick as Meg had done, but Meg simply grabbed the incoming foot and swung the CrippleTron around. Meg slammed it into the side of a building, and once it was down again, Meg grabbed hold of the whole unit and lifted it over her head. She glared up at Joe. "Y'know, I'm glad you tried something like this. It gives me a perfect excuse to squash you! I've overheard all your little jokes, saying it was no wonder your son never noticed me, how...."

Another voice coming from a megaphone cut Meg off. Her father's voice. "Forget about Joe, Meg! We've got something even better for ya!!" Meg looked down toward the voice. A fast-looking sports car was right behind her, with someone tied to the roof. Some skinny woman with blond hair....

Her blood rising to a boil, Meg roared as she tossed the CrippleTron aside, having lost all interest in Joe. Everyone she was REALLY after were all together! She reached down for the car, but it immediately sped off, and Meg ran after them, determined to catch them. There was no way she'd let them all escape again....

---

Being tied to the roof of a car going at well over a hundred miles per hour, with the sound of Meg's booming footfalls resonating all around, it wasn't long before Ann Coulter awoke. At first, she wondered where she was, why she was tied down...then she looked up at the enraged, homicidal giantess chasing them, and reacted the same way most anyone would....

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Well, sounds like our stand-in's awake!" Lois shouted over Coulter's screams of terror.

"Ahh, don't worry about her. She probably gets hundreds of death threats and 'suspicious packages' every day, gets pranked mercilessly at every college campus she visits. She'll get over this...eventually," said Brian nonchalantly.

"Anyway, it looks like you were right. She's having trouble keeping up this time. Just a few more minutes, and we'll be at the hospital," said Lois hopefully.

For a while, everything did look hopeful. Their jacked car easily kept ahead of a tiring, wounded Meg, and it looked like she had no clue that she was being lured into a trap. Soon, they had led Meg to the outskirts of the downtown area. "OK, we're out of the downtown area, we just passed the power plant...another minute or so and we'll be at the hospital!" cried Brian, echoing Lois's hopefulness.

Unfortunately, those hopes were soon dashed. As they rounded a corner, an exhausted Meg slipped and fell. She slid along the ground, skidding to a halt with her face next to a gas station.

And at that gas station was a truck with a bunch of teenagers crowded around it...and refueling that truck was the REAL Connie D'Amico!

Neil, who STILL had the camera zoomed in on Meg, was the first to notice this. "Uh, people, please tell me one of you has a Plan B...."

---

For a moment, Meg simply stared at Connie, who likewise stared back with a look of utter shock and horror. Meg looked back at the car she had been chasing, which had come to a halt. She could still still that blond woman tied to the top. She looked back at the gas station, seeing that THIS Connie had just driven off in her truck and left her friends behind.

Meg slammed her fists into the ground, making the ground quake. Only the real Connie D'Amico would be cowardly enough to ditch her friends like that! She had been tricked! Well, her family could wait. She'd go after them once she caught the conniving bitch that tried to kill her!

Meg rose and sprinted after the truck, which was heading back the way she had come. Luckily, it couldn't accelerate as quickly as that jacked sports car. She lashed out with a kick, nicking the side of it. She hoped to make it careen out of control. Her plan worked, and Connie's truck crashed through a gate surrounding some sort of tool shop, then smashed through the shop's garage.

---

It was at this moment that Connie D'Amico learned the true definition of the word 'fear'. Driven forward by pure, desperate fear, Connie dragged herself out of the driver's seat, every muscle in her body aching. She clutched at her chest as searing pain cut through it; she had probably broken a rib or two after slamming into the steering wheel.

But when she heard Meg cry out again, it was more than enough motivation to keep going. "YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO SHOW YOURSELF, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE WHORE, OR I MAY JUST BRING THAT WHOLE SHOP DOWN ON YOUR HEAD!!"

Once again, Connie realized that she had finally pushed her luck too far with Meg. She looked around frantically, trying to find a way out, a place to hide, ANYTHING. There indeed was a back door, and on a shelf next to the back door was a nail gun. She knew it was probably futile, but she grabbed it, turned it on, and loaded it.

No sooner than was the nail gun ready did Meg rip the roof clean off the garage. Meg glared down at Connie, her eyes blazing with seething hatred. Out of sheer desperation, Connie aimed the nail gun up at Meg and fired at will.

However, all the nails merely ricocheted harmlessly off the lenses of Meg's glasses. Meg laughed hysterically, genuinely amused by Connie's pathetic, desperate attack. "Silly bitch, your weapon cannot harm me," she said calmly and mockingly.

For a fleeting moment, Connie's disgust with Meg won over her fear. "Ugh, you're quoting the 'I'm The Juggernaut Bitch!' videos!? How much lamer can you possibly get, Meg!?"

With another roar of fury, Meg reached down into the garage. Connie brought up the nail gun again, but Meg had moved too swiftly. With a flick of her finger, she knocked Connie's nail gun away, then grasped her between her fingers.

---

Meg laughed as Connie screamed and struggled fruitlessly in her grip. At long last, she could put her arch-rival in her place, the murderous little bitch most responsible for making her high school years a living hell. Until now, she had lacked the will to try, too timid to strike back, perhaps because part of her still held onto the foolish, vain hope of being welcomed into her clique, to be accepted by the 'in-crowd' at last. But Connie's ploy last night changed everything....

Meg slowly brought Connie up to face, sinckering evilly as she watched the tiny woman vainly try to free herself, relishing the look of sheer terror in her eyes. She had every reason to be afraid, considering what was in store.

"You know, Connie, in a strange way, I actually owe you. You finally helped me realize something," Meg said frostily to the woman squirming in her grip, every word dripping with venomous malice. "Until yesterday, I always kept hoping against hope that somehow, things would change for me. That people would somehow learn to accept me. But last night, not only did I learn that stuck-up little bigots like you will never change and even stoop to murder, but that I can't even count on family anymore. Or anyone else in Quahog, not if they CHEERED when I went into anaphylactic shock. I saved so many people, and they still saw me as nothing but a hideous freak, just like they always did! Well now, thanks to you, I've seen the light. Now I see there's no reason to not give even worse than I get!"

Meg let Connie dangle in her grip a little longer, to let her wonder just what horrors she had in store for her. It would just make her that much more terrified. "Hmm, what to do first, what to do...." she muttered absent-mindedly. With that, she tossed Connie up in the air. Connie came back down, screaming, and landed in the palm of Meg's hand, only to be tossed back up again and again.

"Sorry it's taking so long to decide, Connie," said Meg as she repeatedly tossed Connie up and down. "It's just taking a while, mulling over all the things you've ever done, everythin insult you've ever hurled my way...." Suddenly, a smile crossed Meg's lips as she finally settled on one thing in particular.

Meg laughed hysterically as she dropped Connie into her cleavage, then crossed her arms over her chest. "Ah, I know! You always boasted about having a bigger rack than mine. Said my breasts were way too small," she said as she crossed her arms more tightly, smothering Connie even more. Then she grabbed her breasts and squeezed them together, practically entombing her in a prison of flesh. "So tell me, Connie, are they big enough now? You think they're big enough now?"

Deciding it was best to release Connie before she suffocated - it wouldn't do for her expire on her just yet - Meg fished her out of her cleavage and brought her back up to her face. "Now then, what should I...."

"Meg, for the love of all that's holy, STOP!!!!"

Meg looked down at the ground. Her family had finally caught up with them, and Lois was speaking through a megaphone. She glared at all of them exasperatedly. "Oh pipe down! I'll get to all of you soon enough!"

"No Meg, we're not going to run and hide anymore," said Lois. "One way or another, we're going to settle this now."

"OK then," said Meg aloofly. Then, in one swift motion, she snatched both Peter and Lois right off the ground and brought them up to her face as well. "You might as well see what's in store for Connie, 'cause you two are next. I haven't forgotten you had a part in what happened last night."

"Meg, why can't you realize that's what Connie WANTED you to think!?" Brian shouted through the megaphone Lois had dropped. "There's no question Connie's a callous, heartless little bitch-whore, Meg. So knowing that, don't you think she would've wanted you to die thinking everyone had backstabbed you!?"

As much as Meg hated to admit it, what Brian said made sense. Despite herself, doubt began to rear its head where there had once been only cold certainty. "I...I...." Meg began. She looked back at Connie, then back at her parents. "Well, can you blame me for believing her!? After the way I've been treated all these years...after being forced to star in softcore porn!?"

"And why did Peter do that!? To net you enough cash until you were restored to normal, and so you'd have enough money for college! I'm not saying what Peter did was right, but I understand WHY he did it," said Lois imploringly. "Yeah, your father makes some stupid decisions at times. But think about it Meg, don't Peter's worst screw-ups seem to happen because he tried his best to help you? What would be worse, a father who cares about you and fails miserably, or a father who doesn't love you at all?"

Meg shut her eyes tightly, fighting back tears as she recalled some of the dumbest things Peter did to screw up her life. But as much as she hated to admit it, Lois was right. Peter's most horrible screw-ups usually DID happen when he was only trying to do the right thing....

"And Meg, you have every right to hate Connie for what she did, for feeling alienated after almost everyone in town showed such distrust, but...does that give you the right to go on a rampage like this?" Lois went on. "If you go ahead and kill Connie, will that make you any better than her? And if you keep this up, do you think anyone will get over their fear? In time, you might convince them all you truly wanted was to be accepted, but keep this up, and all you'll do is prove them right."

Meg kept her eyes shut as more tears flowed. She wanted so badly to just tighten her fist and be rid of her parents forever, but part of her realized what Lois said made perfect sense....

"Meg, listen to me, I don't know what more I can do to get through to you, but...all I can do is hope you believe us when we say we love you and...and that you've just got to calm down!" Lois cried out empathetically. "But, if you're still convinced that everyone's out to get you, and that there's no hope of ever living in peace...in other words, if you just want to give up on what you really want in life, then just finish us now and be done with it."

"Uh, Lois, that was a beautiful speech and all, but...maybe it's not such a good idea to say she can just kill us and...." Lois shut Peter up by quickly slapping a hand over his mouth, then looked back up at Meg. Her eyes were still shut, her teeth gritted, the tears still pouring down her cheeks. Whereas everything seemed so certain moments ago, now she was more confused and distraught than ever. Finally she made a decision. Letting out one last furious shriek, she raised a fist, lifting Peter and Lois high into the sky.

"OH GOD, MEG!!! DON'T DO IT!!!" Brian pleaded. But there was nothing he could but stand there helplessly and watch....

Meg slammed her fist down hard onto the ground, creating yet another earth-shattering tremor. Then she slowly uncurled her fingers, releasing her parents, who, unsurprisingly, looked as if they were about to have heart attacks. Eventually, they got over their shock and looked up at their daughter, who was still crying uncontrollably. "Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry. I-I should've realized Connie was lying, should've seen it was all part of her plan," she sobbed.

For the briefest of moments, Meg's family dared to believe the crisis was over, that Meg had finally come to her senses. However, it soon dawned on them that Meg had yet to free Connie. "Wait a minute. Meg, you're not gonna let Connie go, are you?" Brian asked dryly.

In an instant, Meg's sorrowfulness melted away and was replaced by stony determination once again. "Nope," was all she said. Perhaps she had been wrong about her family, but Connie was a different story entirely! And she had finally decided on a fitting means of putting the little whore out of her misery. She flashed a smile of sadistic, playful glee, then tossed Connie high into the air, only to catch her again by her leg. She let the screaming blonde dangle dozens of feet above the ground for a moment, then lifted her above her head. Meg tilted her head back and opened her mouth wide. Everyone knew instantly what Meg had in mind....

"OH NO!! MEG, DON'T DO IT!! DON'T DO IT!!" Lois begged, screeching into the megaphone as loudly as she could.

Connie echoed her sentiments. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! MEG, I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!! I SWEAR I'LL NEVER...."

But Meg ignored them both and let Connie drop into her open mouth. She torturously teased for a moment by knocking her around with her tongue. Then she finally shut her mouth....

And swallowed.

"NO!!!" screamed Lois and Brian as they watched the lump that was undoubtedly Connie travel down Meg's throat.

---

Meanwhile, Stewie had finally plotted a surefire course toward Meg's ass, deciding it was best to travel down along her spinal cord. And while being so close to an integral part of Meg's nervous system, Stewie's computer actually let him tap into it. He was privy of everything Meg saw, heard and said.

"Oh, this is just too rich!" Stewie cackled with glee. "Connie D'Amico, once the most popular high school student in Quahog, now nothing but the tiniest morsel for this oversized tub of lard. I trust you'll now think twice before blasting anyone about 'smallness.' Then again, in a minute or two you won't be thinking much of anything anymore!"

Stewie leaned back for a moment, trying to envision what Connie was going through at that very moment. "Hmmm, I wonder what'll kill the skank first...the lack of oxygen, the stomach acids, or being slammed into Meg's stomach walls at breakneck speed...."

But then, Stewie shook his head and sighed. "But alas, if I just sit by and let the bitch buy it, I'll never hear the end of it from that know-it-all dog. I'm going to regret this tomorrow, but...." With that, Stewie hit a button, causing his ship to send an electrical impulse up to Meg's brain.

---

Meg was smiling to herself and licking her lips, flush with victory after having triumphed over her nemesis at last. However, it didn't last long. All of a sudden, an overpowering impulse to vomit swept over Meg. Meg clasped her hands over her mouth, determined to keep it down and ensure Connie died a slow, agonizing death. A wave of dizziness washed over Meg and she stumbled forward, almost trampling her family. She rushed past an apartment building, accidently taking out some of the walls of the top floors with her elbow.

At last, the impulse to throw up won over her willpower. Meg hunched over and puked all over the side of the apartment building she had just stomped past, completely drenching it and filling the air with the acidic stench of vomit. And eventually, the quivering form of Connie D'Amico emerged from Meg's mouth and tumbled painfully to the street below.

At the moment, however, Meg felt too sick to care. She fell to her knees, her breath coming in short gasps and her heart racing. Connie pretty much did the same, gulping in air after being deprived of oxygen.

There was no telling how long Meg and Connie would've remained like that, recuperating from the shock of what had just happened. However, a new, unwelcome sound forced Meg to look behind her.

A squadron of Harrier jets was closing in.

Without warning, a missile streaked passed Meg, and she swerved her body just in time to avoid getting blasted. Meg forced herself to rise again, then took off in a blind panic, back toward the power plant she had ran past earlier.

"Oh no, the Air Force is closing in!" cried Brian with a sense of crushing hopelessness they all shared. Just when it looked like Meg could actually be reasoned with, the Air Force had been ordered to strike! Everyone took off after Meg, dreading whatever would happen next.

Meanwhile, Connie still sat in a gigantic pool of vomit, laughing hysterically to herself. "I'm alive! I'm alive!" she repeated over and over, unable to believe how lucky she was to have survived. Only a odd creaking sound from high above brought her back to her senses. Connie looked up to see the gaping hole Meg had left in the apartment building, exposing about four floors. And something was sliding off one of the floors....

"Oh...hell...." muttered Connie as whatever it was descended rapidly. A second later, a piano fell onto the pavement, crushing Connie underneath it. Then an anvil followed, smashing through the piano and embedding itself into the road. Finally, a ridiculously obese guy in a purple spandex suit fell down, completely smothering what was left of the piano. "No force on Earth can move the Blob!" he said stupidly.

---

The Harriers sped after Meg, and no matter how hard she tried to avoid them, they proved to be too fast to shake off. So it wasn't long before Meg went on the offensive, plucking parked cars off the road and chucking them at the jets. But unlike the helicopters, they were too fast and maneuverable, easily evading everything Meg threw at them and responded in kind.

Machine gun fire and missiles rained down all around Meg, the thunderous din deafening her. Meg covered her head with her arms, not sure what to do, paralyzed with fear. "NO NO!! STOP IT STOP IT!! I GIVE UP!!" she shouted. Her misguided desire for vengeance no longer meant anything. All she wanted was for it to end, for the Harriers to back off. But they kept up their assault and fired upon Meg again. She stumbled backwards, dangerously close to the power plant and the lines branching out from it. Suddenly, a stray missile struck near her feet, and the explosion made her lose her balance. She flailed her arms as she fell backward, vainly trying to regain her balance, but it was a futile effort....

And the only thing that broke her fall were the power lines.

Transformers blew out and a grizzly sizzling sound filled the air. But the sound of both were eclipsed by the blood-curdling shriek of agony that escaped Meg's lips as electric current shot through her, made only worse by the sweat and ocean salts on her skin. Meg's entire body writhed uncontrollably as she screamed, electrical energy arcing all over her body. However, after a few seconds, Meg's body finally went limp. Smoke and steam steadily rose from her unmoving body, barely suspended by the power lines.

---

By the time her family finally reached the power plant, they arrived only to find they were too late. They could only stare up in horror at Meg's still form. Her chest wasn't moving, and her head, lolled on its side...her eyes were empty, vacant, devoid of any sign of life....

"Oh no no no no no!" cried Lois, falling to her knees and sobbing. "I don't believe it...it can't end like this!!"

"Wait Mom, maybe she's OK. I heard that you're not really dead unless you...." Chris stopped when he took a big whiff of the air coming downwind. "Never mind," said Chris quickly.

Peter knelt beside Lois, trying to comfort his wfie, but of course it did no good. Neil likewise gave in to outright sobbing, finally throwing down the camera, overwhelmed by loss and grief.

"Damnit, it can't just end this way!" Brian exclaimed. "Hounded and tormented to the breaking point, and then just KILLED like this!? What kind of God would...."

"Don't go there, Snoopy, don't go there," replied a voice that, unfortunately, the Griffin family had become all too familiar with. Everyone turned to see Death himself stepping out of an old Volkswagon bug, which quickly transformed into Bumblebee. "Thanks for the lift BB," said Death, giving Bumblebee the thumbs-up before the Autobot lumbered off. "Alright then, you all obviously know why I'm here," Death said as he turned back to the Griffins.

"NO!! Death, you can't take Meg away yet!!" screamed Lois, pulling at Death's robes. "Connie pushed her to the breaking point! She's not responsible for...."

"Lady, please, let's not go through this again. I'm just doing my job," said Death aloofly. "Now then, all I gotta do is take the...." Death said as he looked around, but his words trailed off when he got a look at Meg's unfathomably mammoth body, barely suspended by power lines. "Body," Death finished flatly. "Oh man, and here I was worrying about how fat Michael Moore would get before some letter bomb finished him."

Deafening silence fell between all of them for a moment before Death spoke again. "Y'know, tell y'all what, I think I can let your family off the hook again." With that, Death pulled out a cell phone and quickly dialed a number. "'Yello. Death here. Yeah, a kinda need a favor. Uh-huh, it has to do with Meg Griffin." For another moment, there was crushing silence, until Death indignantly cried out, "OH COME ON!! I did you a HUGE favor by NOT ferreting away Dick Cheney's soul...THE LAST TEN TIMES HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE!!!"

Obviously, Death had been persuasive enough, for it looked as if some bright beam of light came down from the heavens, shining upon Meg. For a few excruciating moments, absolutely nothing happened. Then, all of a sudden, it looked as if some spark of life...SOMETHING had returned in Meg's eyes. And then everyone's heart leapt when Meg blinked.

The Griffins, Neil and Death watched anxiously as Meg slowly pried herself off the power lines. She stumbled forward, as if in a daze. Everyone yelped and instinctively jumped back, fearing she might topple on top of them.

---

Meanwhile, inside Stewie's craft, the infant genius grabbed onto the console, struggling to pull himself back into his seat. "That was a c-close one," Stewie said, shaken up b the near call. "Lucky I was still tapped into her nervous system and saw that coming. Was able to throw up the deflector shields in time."

Stewie seated himself again, seeing that the viewscreen was still online. "And here we are, right at the heart of darkness," said Stewie as he closely examined the viewscreen. Deep in Meg's rectum was the radioactive crystal shad responsible for this whole mess. It had not grown along with Meg's body, but to Stewie, it was the length of a Boeing 747. And there were several capillaries attached to it, as it the crystal had become a part of Meg's body. "Hmmm, this won't take too long," said Stewie as he powered up the cutting laser, severing the first capillary.

---

Peter and Lois looked up nervously at their daughter. The blank look in her eyes...it was impossible to tell what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Would she simply go on a rampage again, enraged all over again by the Harrier attack? Or would she finally see reason and calm down?

As it turned out, Meg did neither. All she did was let out one last explosive, economy-sized fart.

A fart which sent Stewie's mosquito-sized ship rocketing out of Meg's ass, and the crystal shard along with it. Stewie was able to regain control over his ship soon enough, but the shard rocketed far across the horizon, out of sight.

And then, to everyone's utter bewilderment, Meg's size slowly started to dwindle. The shrinking started off slowly, but soon it became more rapid. In less than a minute, Meg had shrank back to her normal size. And then she finally collapsed again, aching all over and utterly exhausted. Peter, Lois, Brian, Chris and Neil all rushed to her side, and Stewie skittered up from out of nowhere as well; naturally, his sudden reappearance didn't raise a single eyebrow.

Peter knelt down and carefully picked Meg up. "C'mon, let's get you home, kiddo," he said softly, his heart swelling with joy and relief. With that, they all began their long walk back home. "At last, it's all over," said Peter. "Everything's finally back to normal."

Well, for the most part. But there was one thing they'd forgotten: they had left Ann Coulter tied to the roof of their stolen car.

"Uhh, hello? Can someone give me a hand? Anyone?" Coulter asked tentatively, but naturally, no one was around to hear. In fact, even after several hours, the first living thing to take notice of her was the wolverine that had chased Miley Cyrus all the way from Washington D.C.. "Uhhh, good doggie, nice doggie. Think you can go and...."

But Coulter fell silent when the wolverine raised one of its hind legs. "Oh dear God no.... Oh you little...AHHH MOTHERF*BLEEEP*ER!!!!!"

---

Almost two months had passed since Meg's rampage through Quahog.

Slowly but surely, all traces of Meg's psychotic breakdown were being cleared away. Buildings were rebuilt, ruined roads and mangled water lines repaired, police and army vehicles replaced, and the airport, docks and power plant were all in working order again.

But perhaps most importantly, it seemed like Meg had reached a turning point in her life. After several weeks of extensive, court-ordered therapy and counseling, Meg had come to terms with everything that had happened, and finally let go of the hatred she had kept bottled up her whole life.

And now, her therapy complete, she was back with her family. At first, Meg had feared that they would despise her and shun her all over again; she HAD tried to kill them all, after all. But instead, they had welcomed her back with open arms, and did their best to help her with her therapy. It was as if this whole sad affair had taught them something as well.

And now, they were all crowded around the television, watching the evening news, and as usual Meg was lying on the floor. Before, being in that spot made her feel shut out, but now she was just glad that everything was back to normal again.

"Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin, the independent movie which was originally aimed at freaky fetishists, but gained popularity among feminists, movie monster maniacs, and other niches," said Tom Tucker. "After a successful two-month run in theaters that grossed over 200 million worldwide, the DVD will be released tomorrow."

"Well, what d'you think of that?" asked Peter, turning to Lois. "Turns out more people like the idea of a big girl running around smashing crap up than we thought."

"I'll admit it, it's nice to know not EVERYONE who went to see Meg's movie did it for kinky thrills," said Lois. "But Peter, I've been wondering...there was footage in the movie neither you or Neil filmed, stuff shot by Channel 5 News. How did you get exclusive rights to that footage?"

"Blackmailed Tom Tucker with incriminating evidence involving sleazy hookers, no doubt," said Brian nonchalantly. "Oh well, at least all the revenue from the movie is what's paying for rebuilding the entire city."

Meg let out a sigh, guilt overwhelming her once again. "Yeah, I guess so. It's just too bad nothing can be done about all the people I killed."

"Don't worry about it, Meg. Daddy took care of that too," beamed Peter. "Y'see, there a plot device that incompetent fanfiction authors have always fallen back on for years...."

---

Peter slowly surfaced next to his boat, wearing scuba gear. He climbed up onto the deck, holding a large, orange, glassy ball that had a single blue star on it. And waiting for him on deck was none other than Goku. "Uh, OK, just run this by me one more time...now that we have all seven of these Dragon Ball things, we get any two wishes we want, right?" asked Peter.

"Uh, that's basically it, yeah," said Goku.

"And with one of those wishes, I can bring everyone my daughter killed back to life, correct?" asked Peter.

"Uh, as long as they weren't resurrected with the Dragon Balls once already, yeah," Goku replied.

"Gotcha. But...I was wondering. Meg kinda wrecked half of Quahog, and...it's gonna cost a fortune to clean it all up. So any chance we can use the second wish to...."

"Uh, sorry, no can do," said Goku quickly. "You see, there was a big party at my house last night. Vegeta had a few too many, he tried to grope Android 18, one thing led to another, and now it's nothing but scorched earth for a five mile radius. Chi-Chi's due back home any minute, so my balls are gonna be on a plate without that second wish."

---

"So everything really IS back to normal after all. It's as if this whole sorry mess never happened," said Brian. "And maybe, just maybe, everyone with learn something from this sorry affair. Maybe it'll finally teach everyone how wrong it is to ostracize someone from all social circles for such petty reasons. Maybe it'll show people what kind of emotional damage that can do to a person, and how it can come back to bite everyone in the ass."

"D'you really think so, Brian?" asked Chris.

"Not for one second," said Brian darkly.

"Either way, there's antoher reason I think people around here'll think twice before they give Meg a hard time again," said Peter, sounding pleased with himself.

Meg sat up and looked to her father. "Why's that?" she asked.

"Oh, just the fact that you're stinkin' rich. Not EVERYTHING had to go to rebuilding the city, y'know," Peter replied happily. With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a huge wad of money from his pocket. "There's almost forty grand here, so take it. You're the whole reason this thing got off the ground, so you get all the profit."

Meg couldn't believe it; all that leftover money, and Peter was just HANDING it over to her. That was more than enough to at least get her through her undergraduate years! As much as her father screwed up, once in a while, he really did pull through. "Thank you, Dad!" cried Meg, running to embrace Peter. Her eyes teared up, not from how the first four years of college were set for her...no, the realization that her family really did care was far more precious.

---

Meg warily stepped out of the station wagon. The psychologists she had seen in her mandated therapy sessions claimed she had made remarkable progress, but every day she had to step back into her high school...made her feel whatever progress she had made would be lost. Her little clique of friends welcomed her back, and of course, she would catch Neil and occassionally Sarah staring at her lustily, but she couldn't help but notice that everyone else was instinctively keeping their distance without realizing it.

At least today, things would prove to be a little different....

As she neared the doors, she overheard one of the male students. "I just got the copy of Attack of the 100-Foot Meg Griffin! Man, I can't wait to get home and watch it. Rumor has it there's a deleted scene where Meg tackles an Eva unit. Wouldn't be surprised...Godzilla even got told by her!"

Meg turned around, seeing he was deep in conversation with another male student. "Oh please, Meg woulda gotten owned if Godzilla had put up a fight," said the second boy. "Still, I'll probably watch this thing until my eyes bleed. There's just something about seeing those big, glorious breasts bouncing around everywhere...makes me wonder why she always got a rep for being ugly and...."

His words trailed off when they noticed Meg was standing there, listening in on their conversation. However, instead of pretending as if they hadn't been talking about her, or outright shunning her, they did something that took Meg completely by surprise.

"To think we go to the same school as a movie star!" said one of the boys. "Hey, will you sign my copy of your movie?" he added, thrusting a pen and his DVD copy in front of her. The other boy did the same.

Meg hesitated, staring at the DVD copies of her movie, not sure what to think. Indeed, the whole reason for her sudden popularity was a little mortifying. Let's see, I'm famous because I starred in what was originally fetish schlock, and only gained fame after I had a mental breakdown and almost razed the whole city!? she thought to herself incredulously.

After a moment, however, Meg merely shrugged her shoulders. Oh well, like they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity. Out loud, she said, "Hey, why not?" and took a pen and one of the copies. A couple of other boys, along with quite a few girls, ended up crowding around Meg as well, all wanting their copies signed as well. Meg knew this popularity wouldn't last long, but she figured she might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

Unfortunately, not everyone was about to jump on the fanboy bandwagon. "Hey Meg, you might as well make out all those signatures for eBay," came a cold, conniving voice.

Meg gritted her teeth, recognizing Connie's voice instantly. That was the one bad thing about 'everything being back to normal'...Connie was back to tormenting her as usual. But things were different now. Giant-sized or not, she wasn't going to let Connie walk all over her anymore....

Meg steeled herself and turned around, putting on what she hoped was her slyest, most calculating look. "Well well well everyone, if it isn't Connie D'Amico! Everyone, please, let's give credit where credit is due. I mean, she had a huge part in this movie, too. I mean, lots of people said on the site's forum that the scene where I ate her alive was their personal favorite...."

Connie's brow furrowed; obviously she hadn't expected Meg to fire right back with a retort. Encouraged, Meg went on. "Anyway, you seem to be in good health after Dad and I crashed that costume party last week."

---

Connie D'Amico was dressed as Cammy from Street Fighter, but at the moment she was stuck between Peter and Meg. Peter was dressed up as E. Honda and was using the thousand-hand slap, and Meg was dressed as Chun-Li and using the lightning kick. And poor Connie was sandwiched between both attacks, getting pummeled mercilessly.

Eventually, the abuse was too much. Connie let out a scream, and time seemed to slow to a crawl as her battered body collided with the floor. Then Peter and Meg did the victory poses for E. Honda and Chun-Li as a digitized, disembodied voice yelled, "YOU WIN!"

---

It wasn't long before Connie fired back, though. She leered threateningly at Meg, and said, "Well, I don't see your dad around here anywhere, so who's gonna cover your big fat ass now!?"

Meg merely smiled back. For one thing, she was through being a shrinking violet and didn't need Peter to deal with bullies anymore. But why waste her time on scum like Connie, for secondly, she had other help to call on. Meg's only response was a low whistle, which sounded suspiciously like a pigeon's call.

And before anyone could so much as blink, a swarm of pigeons flew overhead, making a 'special delivery' in the form of....

"AUUGGGHHH!" Connie shrilled as she ran inside, frantically trying to wipe away the bird excrement that now covered her.

Everyone else just laughed, further filling Meg with a sense of pride. "Glad I finally got the hang of that," she said to herself.

"Way to go, Meg!" came the voice of her brother. Meg turned to see Chris walking up to her, along with Sarah and Neil.

"But it is a shame that you're still forced to resort to such measures," said Neil. "I mean, as little as a month ago, Connie still seemed thoroughly traumatized...."

---

Meg had volunteered to hand back tests for the class. She passed by Sarah's desk and handed her her test, who stared back at her dreamily, and then handed back Neil's, who looked back with his usual self-satisfied, sly smirk.

Meg ignored them both and kept handing back tests, until she reached Connie's desk. Connie sat bolt-erect at her desk, quivering as if she had had too much coffee that morning. Her eyes were bloodshot and wide-open, and she kept muttering, "Can't sleep, Meg will eat me.... Can't sleep, Meg will eat me...."

For a moment, Meg just regarded Connie with her trademark piercing, aloof glare. But then, she noisily licked her lips and clacked her teeth.

At once, Connie let out an ear-splitting shriek, clutching her heart as if she was going into cardiac arrest. Then she collapsed onto her desk, not a single muscle moving. Meg simply lifted Connie's head, placed her test on her desk, let her head drop back down, and walked away.

---

"Well, it's obvious Connie will never leave you alone after this," Sarah pointed out. "I guess from this point on you're just gonna have to give as good as you get."

"And I have a suggestion for your next move," Neil offered. "Chris tells me there was quite a bit of profit left over from your movie."

Meg regarded Neil carefully for a moment. "Yeah, so what?" asked Meg, suspicious of what Neil was getting at.

Neil smiled wickedly. "It's just that know of couple things you could buy that may come in handy...."

---

That night, at Connie's house, her friends had come over to hang out. As they were talking, the conversation inevitable steered toward Meg, and of course, Connie couldn't help but express her desire to humiliate Meg yet again.

"Uhh, Connie, are you sure that's a good idea?" asked one of her close girlfriends. "I mean, we all saw what'll happen if you push that bitch far enough."

"Look, unless she gets another piece of radioactive rock up her ass, she's fair game," Connie retorted. "And since I don't hear any tremor-inducing farts, I don't think that's happened."

This made eveyone burst out into raucous laughter. But their laughter was short-lived, for at that moment, a thunderously loud fart DID indeed shake Connie's house to its very foundation.

Everyone froze, terrified of making the slightest sound. They all were thinking the same thing: Meg was once again a 100-foot tower of psychotic terror, and was coming for them all. After a few moments, Connie worked up the courage to whisper under her breath. "Everyone...the backyard is poorly lit...let's slip out while we can...."

Seeing no ther option, Connie and her friends made their way to the back of her house, all the while fearing that a gigantic, psychotic Meg would rip off the roof at any moment. Finally, they made it to the back door. Connie cautiously opened it and bravely poked her head out, looking for any sign of the towering menace. She couldn't see Meg anywhere, but it was dark, and it was likely Meg had made her way to the front of her house. Connie wondered why there were no booming footsteps to be heard, but didn't dwell on the matter. Connie waved for her friends to follow her, then they all stealthily crept out into the backyard....

But they didn't get far before a trap sprung on them. Now all of them were dangling several feet over the ground, held by a tightly-woven net. Everyone swore vehemently and struggled, but all they accomplished was that the net swung around slightly. "What the hell!?" exclaimed Connie. "If Meg's giant again, why would she need this!?"

"Congratulations, you can put two and two together," came Meg's voice. But it wasn't oppressively loud or booming all around them. In fact, it was coming from...down below. Connie looked down, and in the darkness could make out Meg's form, still normal-sized and probably grinning smugly at them all.

"What the...what the hell is this all about!?" demanded Connie. "I mean, you...we thought...that fart...."

"Oh that? Well, it's like this. I had SO MUCH money left over from the box office sales from MY movie, my friends gave me all sorts of suggestions about how to spend it," Meg said slyly. "And one of them was to rent a van with a pimped-out sound system." With that, Meg inclined her head to her left. Connie looked over to where Meg was indicating and saw Neil and Chris, laughing hysterically. They were standing by a huge van that was parked in her backyard, and it looked like Chris had a microphone held up to his ass.

"So consider this a message, Connie," Meg went on. "If you EVER give me any trouble again, you can expect something like this."

"Oh wow, leaving us stranded in a net for a whole night, wow, that's...really devious," said Connie saracastically.

"Who said that was all I was doing?" Meg asked evilly. "Ladies, present arms!" With that, Sarah and Meg's little clique of friends stepped out of the darkness, all armed with paintball guns.

"Oh hell," muttered Connie.

And then, the night air was filled with the painful, pitiful cries of Connie and her friends as they were pelted with paintballs at point-blank range.

---

The dastardly deed done, Meg drove off flush with victory, her brother and friends packed into the van with her. "That takes care of that. Now it's off for a weekend at that paintball range!" Meg cried out happily. After so many weeks of therapy and trying to get a handle on her life, she was more than happy to have a little wild fun and take Neil's suggestion for a weekend vacation playing paintball. But not before sending a good-bye message to Connie, of course.

"In which my countless hours on online Halo multiplayer will no doubt come in handy," Neil chimed in. Meg shot a scything look at Neil. "Of course, hopefully we'll be on the same team, so you won't be on the receiving end," he added quickly. "And I truly hope you will be, my dear. You're still the one for me, whether or not you have a piece of radioactive alien rock up your butt."

"Yeah, whatever," Meg said tersely, returning her gaze to the road ahead. "Y'know, that reminds me: no one ever found out where that piece of rock landed. I just hope no poor girl finds it and goes through what I did...."

---

At that moment, halfway along the East Coast, in the community of Langley Falls, Virginia, the Smith family was stting down for a family dinner. Everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying their meal...everyone except Stan, who seemed distracted for some reason.

"Stan, what's wrong? You've hardly touched your food," inquired Francine.

"Probably mulling over the possibly that next year, he could be taking orders from a president that'll actually use his brain before deciding whether to go invade a country and blow crap up," said Hayley hotly, obviously eager to goad her father into a debate.

However, if only for the sake of keeping the peace, Stan refused to take the bait and ignored Hayley. "Well, Francine, it's just...you know how that DVD came out today?"

"You mean the movie about that girl from Quahog?" asked Francine.

"Yeah, that movie was awesome! Personally, my favorite part was when Meg sat on a tank and farted on it!" interjected Steve.

Hayley let out a disgusted sigh. "So they released a DVD that capitalized on the plight of some psychopathic girl. So what?"

"It's just that, whatever it was in her ass that transformed her...it was somehow removed, but no one's recovered it," explained Stan. "It's been bothering me ever since, and this DVD is just a reminder. Who knows where it is? What if it gets inside someone else?"

At that moment, Hayley was reaching for a huge baked potato, the biggest one on the tray. But Steve noticed this, and wanting to take it for himself, shoved a pea up his nose and then launched it at Hayley. It struck Hayley right in the eye. "OW!!" she shrieked, and Steve took the opportunity to snatch up the baked potato. Once Hayley got the pea out of her eye and saw Steve had grabbed the potato, she exclaimed, "Hey, that was mine, you little toad!"

"Enough Hayley! There's plenty to go around," Francine interjected quickly.

"Say, those are some huge potatoes, Francine," Roger noticed. "Your homemade garden is really working."

"This sort of thing's gonna be a necessity, with rising fuel costs and the resulting rise in food prices...." Hayley began.

Stan once again felt his willpower ebbing, but soon there would be something else that would demand his attention. Steve was cutting into his potato, and his knife had hit something hard. "Hey, what's this?" Steve asked as he pried open the potato....

And pulled out a finger-length sliver of pale-blue crystal.

Stan, having read all the intelligence files on the whole Meg Griffin affair, knew exactly what it was. How that mutagenic piece of crystal got from Quahog and into his family's garden was something he'd dope out another time. Now he had to get that crystal back to CIA headquarters. "Steve, gimme the crystal," said Stan authoritatively and sternly.

Perhaps predictably, Steve resisted. "Wha...hey, go find your own, this one's mine!" Stan reached out to grab it, but Steve sprang up from his chair and ran from the table. Stan quickly tackled him, and the crystal flew out of Steve's hands. It bounced off a wall, and started ricocheting all over the place. Everyone watched helplessly as it bounced around....

And finally shot right into Hayley's mouth. Stan watched with horror as Hayley gagged...and reflexively swallowed the crystal. Hayley's eyes were wide-eyed with horror and confusion, having not the slightest clue exactly what she had swallowed. Unfortunately, Stan knew exactly was it was...and what was coming.

Evidently, being an alien, so did Roger. "Uh, everyone," he began while getting up from his chair and looking as if he were ready to sprint, "I humbly suggest getting ready to run for your sad, misbegotten lives, as I am preparing to do."

"What the hell are you talking about, Roger!?" demanded Hayley. "Why are you and Dad so...." Her words trailed off as a dizzy spell seemed to wash over her.

"Honey, what's wrong!? What's going on!?" asked Francine, watching her daughter clutch her head with her hands. And then, to everyone's horror, they all saw Hayley slowly growing taller. In a few seconds, she grew so much that her chair could no longer support her weight, and it collapsed underneath her.

This shocked Hayley into opening her eyes. She looked around, terror and confusion etched on her face, her brain no doubt locked up from seeing that everything and everyone was smaller than it was supposed to be, not to mention dwindling away. The expansion of Hayley's body was quickly accelerating, and her legs pushed aside the entire dinner table as if it was made of cardboard. Her family backed away nervously, and mere seconds later, Hayley's head was pressing against the ceiling. Cracks formed immediately as her head pushed upward through the ceiling.

"EVERYBODY OUT!" screamed Stan as the walls and foundation of their house creaked all around them. Stan and the rest fled for the front door in a blind panic, and Klaus's fishbowl bounded after them, not looking back as the sounds of crumbling walls and a collapsing ceiling filled their ears.

Luckily, they made it into the front yard safely. When they all looked behind them, they were just in time to see Hayley's giant head sprout through the roof and most of the second floor crumble away. At the same time, Hayley's gigantic legs shot out through the front of the house, almost kicking her family away, and her arms lashed out from the sides, nearly punching through the neighboring houses.

For a few excruciating minutes, no one said anything. Stan and the others just stood there, simply gawking stupidly up at Hayley's now-mammoth body, and she likewise stared back down at them with a shocked look and clearly on the verge of tears.

"Well, I know Francine had talked about remodeling the place, but wasn't this a little too drastic?" Roger asked sardonically. Although someone had finally broken the silence, it was hardly in a way that would diffuse the tension.

"Oh, shut up Roger!!" thundered Hayley. Then she looked down at Stan. "Well, I think we all know where that thing in Meg Griffin's ass wound up. Now anyone at the CIA kow how to get that crystal OUT of me!?"

"Don't worry, Hayley! I'm sure the boys at the lab can whip up a giant stomach pump in no time!" Stan knew he was lying, of course. He knew full well that the doctors and engineers in Quahog had spent over a week working on that giant colonoscope, and the CIA's engineers would run into similar problems.

Hayley must've seen through her father's fib, for she glared down at him with a dubious, withering glance. However, Stan was spared when Jeff's van suddenly pulled up. Jeff stepped out, and seeing Hayley's family, asked, "Hey, what're you all doing out here? Where's Hayley?"

In unison, they all silently pointed up at Hayley's massive form. Jeff took one look up at Hayley...then promptly fainted, an impossibly wide smile of ecstacy crossing his face.

Hayley blanched. "Oh God, don't tell me HE'S got that stupid fetish too!!" she shrieked, shaking her head in disgust. "Ugh, how can this get any worse!?"

Her question was quickly answered when she heard movement behind her. Hayley glanced over her shoulder, only to see a giant-sized Sakura Kinomoto standing there, brandishing her staff. A second later, Sakura began bashing Hayley's head in with it; it wasn't long before Hayley's eyes slid out of focus and blood dribbled down her forehead, and the bashing continued....

THE END?