Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 1: Something Stupid This Way Comes
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

Sometime in 2006....

In an underground bunker, hidden deep underneath Pyongyang, teams of North Korean scientists were busily slaving away on their own derivative model of Metal Gear Rex. Of course, it was a long way from being completed. The radome had yet to be attached, the missile module on the back wasn't packing anything, and much of the legs was without any armor whatsoever. But soon, it'd be ready to go stomp on tanks and threaten world peace and stuff.

Ever since the crisis on Shadow Moses Island about a year ago, a certain one-handed, gun-obsessed Russian cowboy had been cashing on the secret plans he had boosted from a certain cardboard-obsessed, bandana-wearing badass, selling the blueprints for the latest bipedal death machine to anyone willing to fork over enough dough. And obviously, that includes a certain movie-obsessed, psychotic Commie freakshow.

And speak of the devil...Mr. Happiness himself was making his way down into the bunker, seeking to personally see what progress had been made. Kim Jong-Il was smiling to himself, obviously very pleased with his diplomatic misdirection. All that hubbub over missile tests was nothing but smoke and mirrors, meant to distract America and its allies. THIS - his own nuclear-capable walking tank - THAT was what he needed. And if he could get it completed before any other so-called rogue nations did, he'd have even greater leverage.

After all the engineers got through with their greetings and general ass-kissing, Kim stared up at the unfinished Metal Gear again. Obviously, he believed all that cash was better spent on his own personal oversized Transformer than say, plentiful food for his famine-stricken country. "How long before it's completed?" he asked the nearest engineer.

"It will take some time before all the systems for the radome are ready," said the engineer nervously, "but the remaining armor and the missiles can be installed by the end of the week."

"I want the armor and missiles ready by tomorrow," said Kim imperiously. Kim knew there was no real point to it, though. Without the radome ready, the cockpit would have to remain open, leaving the pilot vulnerable. He just wanted the opportunity to boss everyone around. "Soon, it'll be completed...and I'll have my own version of the mightiest weapon ever created!"

"It's still hard to believe this thing is for real, though. It's like something out of a movie. It reminds me of those robots from that last Matrix movie," said one of his advisors.

"Nah," spoke up another advisor. "If you ask me, it's like something out of Neon Genesis Evangelion...."

At that instant, Kim Jong-Il took out a big-ass Colt .45 and capped his advisor. "Don't mention any of that anime shit!" he snapped as his advisor fell to the floor, dead. He turned back to gaze at the Metal Gear Rex, then turned back to the engineers and the rest of his advisors. "No, this thing is most certainly for real. And once it's finished, I will bring chaos to the world!"

But at the exact moment he said that, someone decided it was time to bring chaos a little closer to home.

Kim Jong-Il's eyes widened when he heard a thunderous explosion go off behind him. He spun around to see that at the joint where the rail gun was attached to Rex's main body, flames were spewed out and smoke was rising. Before Kim could even so much as blink, more explosions went off from within Rex's open cockpit, the unarmored legs, and the joint on the left side where the radome was waiting to be attached.

Searing flames licked hungrily all across the bipedal tank. The workers and engineers tried to extinguish the fires, but the damage from whatever explosives had been planted was already done. The rail gun began to sag as metal screeched in protest, and then it fell off completely, shaking the entire underground base when it hit the ground. The cockpit was the next thing to fall, and then the legs gave way. The entire mechanical abomination fell over, erupting with one final explosion as it hit the floor.

Kim Jong-Il and everyone else around him stared in shock, completely nonplussed. It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that their weapon had just been sabotaged. But by who? "Who...what is...HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?"

And as if their unseen saboteur wished to answer, all the computer screens suddenly went blank. Then, the image of a skull and crossbones appeared on each screen, laughing obnoxiously.

Only it wasn't an image of a human skull.

It was a snake's skull.

Kim's eys widened again. That mocking imagery...there was only one answer. He had heard the rumors, the whispered stories, the legends.... It couldn't be anyone else.

"Organize search teams!" bellowed Kim Jong-Il. "Scour the entire base! He's got to still be here! I want Solid Snake found, at once!"

---

A team of half a dozen armed soldiers marched through the halls of the hidden base, still conducting their sweep of the area. Kim Jong-Il was adamant about the saboteur being found, and they didn't dare stop looking until he was. Nothing could distract them from their goal.

Except, perhaps, a girly magazine laid out in plain view on the floor.

"Huh!?" exclaimed one of the guards as he bent over to pick it up. He started riffling through the pages, and the other soldiers looked over his soldier. Now, as most anyone with a Y chromosome can attest to, seeing such lurid imagery is enough to distract even the most disciplined of soldiers, making them oblivious to almost anything else.

Including the sound of a stun grenade, with the pin pulled, landing near their feet. Which promptly went off a second later, the resulting flashbang combo knocking them all flat on their sorry asses.

---

Minutes later, in the place where the food supplies were stored, three soldiers barged in rifles at the ready. The swept the entire area, but their efforts were fruitless. There were no intruders to be found.

They grumbled among themselves, each muttering vows that wherever the saboteur was, they would find him. He wouldn't get a chance to slip away. Nothing would escape their notice.

Well, except for how a cardboard box, one big enough for a man to hide in, suddenly started moving. Soon the box, and whoever was inside, made it out of the room, the guards none the wiser.

---

Over an hour had passed since the Metal Gear Rex had been sabotaged, and in all that time, there was still no hint of the intruder. Perhaps he was long gone? Or perhaps he was as good as the legends said, and was able to evade all their sweeps?

A lone guard patrolling the area above ground shook his head. It was impossible. No one man could be THAT good a saboteur. There was no way....

A sudden rustling sound got his attention. The guard spun around and brought up his rifle, ready to fire at a moment's notice. But all he saw was some birds taking flight, away from the grassy field they had landed in. The guard sighed, then radioed in to report was nothing was amiss.

And indeed there wasn't. That is, until after he had turned off his radio and a tranquilizer dart suddenly shot out from the exact spot the birds had flown away from, hitting him in the head. The guard was fast asleep well before he hit the ground.

And by the time his comrades found him sleeping on the job, a certain someone would be long gone.

---

After that, it wasn't long before Solid Snake, four-time world savior and the world's greatest saboteur and soldier of all time, made it deep into a forest near the base, where a small plane was waiting for him. Once Snake got near enough, all it took was one quick call to his partner via Codec, and the plane was started up, ready for takeoff. His partner Hal Emmerich, who preferred to be called Otacon because of his unholy love for anime, was an experienced pilot, and flew planes and helicopters for him whenever a mission called for it.

But first and foremost, Otacon was a master of all things related to computers and robotology. He was the one who designed the computer virus Snake planted in the base, infecting just about every military system in North Korea. Because of that, all data they had involving Metal Gear was wiped out. It also trashed other vital systems, such as their radar, meaning the two of them could get away scot free.

"And another one's gone, another one's gone, another one bites the dust," Otacon mumbled in a sing-song voice as their plane took off. "That makes our third Metal Gear this month. Ocelot's obviously been busy lately."

"Guess so," Snake said absentmindedly as he lit a cigarette. He wasn't in a talkative mood, not after sneaking around for over an hour, ducking past armed guards, security cameras, infrared beams and other crap he comes across every time he has to go dismantle weapons of mass destruction.

"Goddamnit Snake, put that thing out!" snapped Otacon once he saw what Snake was doing.

Snake took a couple more drags, then crumpled up his smoke. "OK, fine," he grumbled. He then let his seat recline and tried to drift off. But as we all know, Otacon can sometimes be an annoying, talkative pest, always insisting on starting a conversation when all Snake wanted was to be left alone.

"Unfortunately, our...friends in the U.N. don't have any more leads on any more Metal Gears being built, and my information network hasn't turned up anything lately, either," Otacon said, sounding annoyed. Snake understood his frustration. He had been duped into building Metal Gear Rex in the first place, and felt it was his responsibility to wipe out every last trace of the monster he created.

"Then I guess we won't have anything to do for a while," said Snake. "I hate sitting around having nothing useful to do. I did that in Alaska for six years."

"Well, until we get wind that another megalomaniacal dictator is building his own Metal Gear, we're shit outta luck," Otacon replied. "But I suppose...a little off-time could be good for both of us. There's a couple games I wanted to check out."

"Just don't expect me to play along," said Snake. "I still remember the last time to conned me into it, playing that Smash Bros. Melee thing. I can't believe you kicked my ass as Princess Peach."

"Yeah, that was classic," said Otacon, grinning. "Y'know, I've always wondered what it'd be like if someone programmed YOU into a game like that...."

"Yeah, like that'd ever happen," said Snake, shaking his head at how stupid the idea was. Encouraged by how Otacon didn't say anything else, he leaned back again. He was about to drift off, but Otacon spoke up again, jarring him awake.

"Hey Snake, I just remembered...there might be something useful we can do while we wait for more information to turn up," said Otacon. "Something we can do to prepare if things take a turn for the worst."

"Urgh, what?" muttered Snake grumpily. Now Otacon was really getting on his nerves.

"It was just that talk about programming and stuff. I just remembered...I've been working on a VR training program, one that simulates battles with complete, active Metal Gears."

Snake turned to glare at Otacon. "Yeah, so? Why would I need some VR program to prepare for that? And why would I WANT to!? I already know all there is to know about fighting those overgrown robots!"

"Well true, but you've only faced what...four within the span of ten years? Sure, I know that's four more than anyone else in the world, but wouldn't it be a good idea to keep those skills sharpened? We never know when we'll have to destroy one that's already been completed and has a trained pilot," Otacon explained. "And furthermore, I was hoping this program could be used to train all the other Philanthropy agents we've recruited. They also may need to know what to do if they come face-to-face with an active Metal Gear. You could help determine if it's truly an accurate simulation."

Snake let out an exasperated sigh. As much as he hated to admit it, what Otacon said made a lot of sense. The new recruits for Philanthropy would definitely need some sort of special training in case, God forbid, a completed Metal Gear was turned on them.

But Snake still didn't like the idea one bit. Those goddamn walking monstrosities had haunted his nightmares for over ten years. They were almost like his own personal demons, and he had no desire to fight one again anytime soon, not even in a virtual reality program. Moreover, Snake hated the concept of VR training altogether. As far as he was concerned, it was no substitute for actual combat experience. VR training was merely a really elaborate video game, nothing more, and no one would ever convince Snake otherwise.

"Forget it, Otacon," Snake said with a tone of finality. "You'll have to fine tune your little video game without me. I've always hated VR training, and I always will."

For a moment, Otacon was silent. "So, there's no changing your mind?" he asked at length.

"Not a chance in hell," said Snake. He then leaned back again and closed his eyes.

"Well..." said Otacon. "What if Meryl somehow found out it really was you who used the stealth camouflage to take those pictures of her in her underwear, that you posted on the Internet, as revenge for her putting itching powder in your sneaking suit?"

Snake's eyes snapped open, a look of horror etched on his face. Otacon had found the perfect means to blackmail him, and he knew it. Fighting off gigantic, walking, nuke-hauling tanks was one thing. Facing the wrathful fury of an enraged Meryl Silverburgh was something else altogether. "Alright, you little backstabber. You win."

"I thought you'd see things my way. That reminds me, we haven't seen her much lately," said Otacon conversationally, as if he hadn't just backed Snake into a corner. "And whatever happened to Holly White and Chris Jenner? You haven't seen either of them in years, have you?"

"Otacon, two things. Shut. Up," snapped Snake as Otacon continue to fly them back home.

---

Within a couple days, Snake and Otacon had made their way back to the United Nations headquarters in New York. One of the perks of Philanthropy being officially recognized by the U.N., and being covertly supported by some of its more powerful members, meant that Snake and Otacon had quite a bit of access to The U.N.'s vast resources. For example, hidden deep underneath the Dag Hammarskjöld library, there were loads of laboratories and equipment for researcvh and development. One such marvel was what was perhaps the most advanced virtual reality system in the world.

Most other virtual reality systems relied on sensory input devices, such as headsets that use stereoscopic displays and special gloves that simulate the feel of textures, among other things. But such a setup is very limited; for example, in this manner, things like weight and resistance are impossible to simulate.

However, the VR system housed at the U.N. headquarters was something else entirely. It utilized a system that interfaced directly with the user's nervous system; in essence, it basically planted their minds inside a specially programmed virtual world. The technology still wasn't ready to be mass produced, but so far, it had worked in a number of training and therapy programs.

And now, thanks to their connections in Philanthropy, Snake and Otacon could borrow the facility to test the special training program.

Snake muttered to himself as he stepped into a room that had two large chair with weird headsets attached to them. "I hate using these things. It always makes me think of Total Recall," he grumbled.

"Oh please, stop worrying. These things can't possibly mess up your head more than it already is," said Otacon, perhaps referring to Snake's lingering PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

"Hmph, says the geek who's so obsessed with Japanese cartoons, he got into robotology because of them," Snake retorted with a grin.

For a moment, Otacon looked like he was ready to clobber Snake...yeah, right, as if the little geek ever could. Well anyway, instead of firing back a retort of his own, he took out his laptop and connected it to the system's computer. "There we go, the program's booted up, and we're ready to go," he said, sounding pleased with himself. He then sat down in the seat right next to Snake's.

"Uh, hey Otacon, is there any special reason YOU'RE entering the simulation with me?" asked Snake. It seemed unusual for him to take part in a training simulation, when he usually just supported him with information on missions.

"No real reason, I guess. Just want to actually see how the program runs with my own eyes. Besides, who knows when I'll be forced to infiltrate someplace along with you," said Snake.

"Whatever," said Snake dismissively as headset slowly lowered itself over his head. Out the corner of his eye, he saw Otacon's headset being lowered into place before his own obscured his vision.

Then he felt that uncomfortable tingling sensation running down his spine and that familiar feeling of lightheadedness. Soon, all his sensed began to dull completely. It was the same as when he had agreed to use a similar VR system while on the U.S.S. Discovery, right before Roy Campbell had him stuffed into a one-man sub and shot into a warzone. Why do I always let myself get blackmailed like this? Snake wondered as he waited for the program to start.

After what seemed like forever, Snake's sight and hearing came back. He looked down at himself, seeing that in this program, he had the same sneaking suit he'd been using ever since that stint on Shadow Moses. Then he took a good look around him. He was expecting to to see the typical grid-modeled floors and walls that made up the environments of most VR programs. The sight that greeted him was something entirely different.

He was standing in the middle of a wide street, which was clearly in the middle of a large city in the middle of the day, with tall skyscrapers as far as the eye could see. After looking around a bit more, Snake saw one particular skyscraper that gave away what this program was supposed to simulate: the Empire State Building. This training exercise was obviously meant to be set in New York City.

What the hell? Snake thought to himself. I figured this would be in the typical bare-bones VR environment, or at least some godforsaken base. Why a city?

"Uh-oh, this...this is bad, real bad," said a panicked voice. Snake turned around to see Otacon walking up to him, a look of pure horror on his face. "Oh man, I've really done it this time. I've REALLY screwed things up!"

"Wouldn't be the first time," said Snake simply. "So what's wrong. Everything looks fine to me...although this isn't the sort of place I expected to be fighting a Metal Gear."

"Well, er, uh," Otacon spluttered nervously. "This isn't exactly the right program, you see. I accidently, uh, booted up the wrong one."

Snake stared blankly at him. "You...what!?"

"Yeah, this is a completely different program altogether. Something I kinda, uh, slapped together in my spare time whenever I got bored and...stuff," Otacon said softly, looking at the ground.

"So?" Snake asked dismissively, shrugging his shoulders. "There's always a way to quickly exit these VR programs, isn't there? We'll just get out and load the right one."

"Uh, not exactly," Otacon said meekly. "I...never got around to programming anything like that. We'll just...have to complete all the exercises in order to exit."

Snake glared at Otacon. "Oh that's just great. I knew I shouldn't have let you con me into this," he said acerbically. "So, what kind of training exercise is this supposed to be?"

Snake swore he saw Otacon blush. "It's...umm...just somethinng that, er, uh, sort of involves...women. Many of the women you, we, uh, met up with in the past, and...."

Huh? Women? Snake wondered, fearing this was going to be some sort of freaky porno escapade. Well, not exactly FEARING that aspect. At least that would ensure he wouldn't be horribly bored for the next few hours. Out loud, he asked, "So, it involves a bunch of women...doing what? And what do I have to do?"

Otacon looked at Snake again. The look on his face made it painfully clear that answering that question was the last thing he wanted to do. After a few moments, Otacon finally opened his mouth to speak.

But a sudden noise interrupted him. A rumbling noise, accompanied by the street shaking, almost making the two of them lose their footing. Snake looked around nervously, trying to figure out what was going on. As he looked over at a restaurant with an outdoor patio right next to him, he couldn't help but notice the water in some glasses was shaking.

"Oh, I think I get it," said Snake. "There's a bunch of Metal Gears roaming the city...sort of like a worst-case scenario sort of thing. I have to polish them all off, and rescue Meryl, Mei Ling and the others, right?" he asked.

"Uh, not, not really," Otacon replied, but Snake really didn't hear him. He grabbed Otacon by the arm.

"Come on, we better hide until I find a stinger missile launcher. You did at least put in some weapons, right?" Snake asked as he dragged Otacon toward the first hiding spot he saw: a parked truck. The rumbling was getting louder, so Snake figured the Metal Gear must be getting awfully close. He quickly crawled underneath. Otacon followed suit, a mortified look on his face.

Snake wondered why Otacon looked so embarassed, but he put that question in the back of his mind. The first order of business, once the Metal Gear passed by, would be to find a stinger missile launcher and hopefully some chaff grenades. Then he could waste those tin cans and get the hell out of this VR program.

The booming thuds were getting louder, and progressively closer. Snake waited patiently, hoping the damned machine would pass soon pass them by. Should've never agreed to this stupid training program, fighting these walking nightmares. Not a fun way to spend my spare time. There can't be anything worse than those things....

Then, at last, something slammed down into the concrete right in front of the truck. But it didn't look like a Rex's foot, or the foot of any other Metal Gear he'd faced before. At first, Snake figured it was just some different variation, but then he realized how...ODD the look of...whatever was in front of him was.

As he stared at it for a few seconds, Snake began to think that it looked like...a super close-up of the sole of a boot. Huh, what the... he started to think as curiosity got the better of him and he poked his head out from underneath the truck.

And got a nasty surprise.

What had been planted in front of the truck was most certainly a boot...an unfathomably gigantic boot. One that was being was being worn by an unfathomably huge woman...a rather attractive, blond-haired woman who must've stood well over a hundred feet tall!

The woman looked about carefully, obviously looking for him. As he continued to stare upward, he was able to make out the face. Snake gasped when he realized who it was. It was Holly White, the CIA agent he met in Zanzibar almost seven years ago.

"Otacon, what the FUCK have you gotten us into?" Snake whispered vehemently.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 2: A Three-Course Helping of Stupidity
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

Snake stared dumbly up at the gigantic Holly White for a few more seconds, completely at a loss for what to do, or even think. Sure, taking down giant robots had become his specialty, but something that involved giant women!? Otacon, I swear, you'd better have a good explantation for this, Snake thought acidly, feeling more and more apprehensive as he stared up at Holly, realizing she was even bigger than any Metal Gear he'd ever faced. When she started to bend over to look down at the street, Snake quickly got back under the truck, praying that Holly wouldn't think to look under all the parked cars.

"Otacon, you've got about ten seconds to explain yourself...before I strangle you," Snake muttered under his breath. "Why create a program like this?"

"It's uh, well, i-it's just..." Otacon spluttered, but the cold look in Snake's eyes finally convinced him to spit it out. "I've always had this, uh, thing...for as long as I can remember. I've always had a fantasy involving...giant girls," he admitted.

Snake's mouth hung open, a mystified look on his face. In his time he'd heard about all kind of bizarre fetishes; feet, blood, and even being covered in ants. But this was the first time he EVER heard of anyone liking girls so big they could use a guy as a sex toy. It was just too bizarre to fully take in at the moment.

Otacon went on. "So, in my spare time after joining Philanthropy, after having access to all this technology, I dunno...I just slapped together a bunch of random missions involving outwitting giantesses, while I also put together the training program I meant to upload. I built upon other training scenarios made so far. Just something to kill time, and...feed this little obsession. It has the women we've met so far, and I dug up records about your other missions, so I used your old friends, too, and...."

"Let me get this straight," Snake cut in. "In order to satiate this sick little desire of yours, you wasted time putting together a VR program that was never intended to be used anyway!?"

Otacon shrugged his shoulders. "Could be worse. I could write fanfiction instead."

Snake shook his head. It was then that he heard Holly moving again, her booming footsteps jostling both of them. "Fine, whatever. All I really care about is getting the hell out of this mess you've made. You said we had to complete the program. What do I do?"

"The same thing you always do," said Otacon. "Just make it to the sneaking point without being spotted. DEFINITELY don't get spotted. If you are, you'll have to worry about giant girls chasing after you."

That made Snake a little hopeful. Being a sneaky little bastard was what he was best at. Granted, having to avoid his oversized ex-partner was a little different than what he was used to, but he was fairly sure he'd manage somehow. "OK, where's the sneaking point?"

"Uh, I don't really remember," Otacon said tentatively. Before Snake acted on the urge to smack him, Otacon spoke up again. "I'm...pretty sure it's a few miles that way," he said, pointing down the street.

That doesn't help much, Snake thought dryly. I have to go down HOW many blocks without being seen, otherwise he said I'd be...wait a minute, giant GIRLS!? As in PLURAL!?

Before Snake could ask Otacon about that, he heard those booming footsteps coming closer again. He peeked out from under the truck, and almost panicked when he saw Holly picking up each car parked along the street, one at a time, then absentmindedly discarded the cars, sometimes even tossing them through the walls of the buildings. Oh great, she's obviously going out of her way to find us. Won't be long until she reaches our truck.... Realizing that they had to bug out soon, Snake looked down the other way, looking for a quick means of escape. It was then that he noticed a little box hovering underneath the truck besides him, slowly turning in midair. "The hell?" he muttered, but decided to look inside it. Hmm, so there are weapons for me....

"Uh, Snake, we'd better get moving," Otacon said, obviously seeing what Holly was doing. Snake couldn't agree more. "Maybe if we stick close to the buildings, we can slip away." And so, the duo crawled out the other side of the truck, sticking to the sidewalk as they ran away from the supersized Holly. For a while, it looked like they were in the clear. But all of a sudden, Snake heard a loud "HEY!" from far behind them. Looking over his shoulder, Snake saw Holly glaring at them from across the street, a huge red exclamation point over her head.

"Damn!" yelled Snake. As he was about to run, he noticed Otacon staring back at the giant Holly with a dreamy, vacant look on his face. Hal has more problems than I realized, Snake thought with a sigh as he grabbed Otacon by the arm and dragged him along.

However, it soon proved impossible to keep ahead of Holly. She barreled down the street after them, her thunderous footfalls almost knocking the two of them off their feet. Snake looked over his shoulder again, and saw that Holly had bridged the gap between them in only a few seconds.

"Snake, let's split up!" Otacon suddenly said. "She'll probably go after you, but there's a little something I added that might be of some help. I'll go find it," With that, Otacon shoved Snake down a street corner while he continued running straight ahead.

The heavy footfalls stopped as Snake kept on running himself. It was like Holly didn't know which one of them to go after now. But after a second or so, Holly apparently got over her confusion, and Snake saw her titanic form rounding the corner. Snake looked around, desperate for a place to hide. He saw some sort of shop nearby and, deciding it was as good a place as any, he ran for it. Luckily, the door was unlocked. He ran inside and shut the door, breathing hard and shaken up from the encounter. Hopefully, she didn't see me run in here, he thought.

Once again, though, fate proved it had a way of screwing with Snake. "Oh, Snaaaaake," said a sweet, feminine voice that echoed throughout the store. Snake broke out into a cold sweat as he slowly turned around. Through the store's glass door and windows, he could see Holly's billboard-sized face staring back at him. She looked almost exactly the way he remembered her; the short blond hair, bandana and hazel eyes. He recalled being captivated by her beauty when he first saw her, and as was his habit, immediately started with the flirty talk. Funny how he remembered stuff like that at a time like this.

But at the moment, no pickup lines came to mind; staring at that huge, smiling, teasing face had even him freaked out beyond belief. "Heh, heh, did you think you'd get away from me that easily, Snake?"

It was a few seconds before Snake found his voice. "How...how did you know...."

"Which door you went through?" Holly finished, her sweet voice ringing in Snake's ears. "I didn't. But after seeing this one shop, it wasn't hard to guess that you ducked in here."

"Huh?" Snake looked behind him, and saw that he had stumbled into a gun shop, one with enough handguns and assault rifles to give anyone in an al-Qaeda sleeper cell an instant boner. And admittedly, a place that would be like a toy store for Snake. "GODDAMNIT!"

Snake tried to run to the back of the store, hoping there'd be an exit. But a terrible crashing noise filled the store, and Snake looked back to see Holly's hand had smashed through the wall, reaching for him. Snake flattened himself against a display case as Holly's fingers felt around. It wasn't long before Holly found him and had him pinned between her thumb and index finger. She quickly pulled him out, and Snake had to fight the urge to scream like a little bitch.

"Hee hee, I finally caught you," said Holly teasingly as she got down on her knees in the street and brought her captive up to her face.

Snake was so close to her face, he could feel the air move whenever Holly breathed in and out. Snake looked up into those glistening hazel eyes, having no idea what to expect. What I wouldn't give for a FAMAS right about now, he thought glumly, but then he realized rifle fire would probably be nothing more than pinpricks to Holly.

Time seemed to slow to an agonizing crawl as Holly kept Snake held firmly in her tight grip, simply staring down at him. Her schoolgirl-like giggling and that giddy look in her eyes was getting creepier and creepier by the second. Finally, she spoke again. "Hey, Snake. Remember what you said to me back in Zanzibar?"

Snake blinked in surprise. "Err...uhh...you mean about we could meet as long as we stayed alive?"

Holly giggled again. "Well, there's that, and how you said we'd have a nice Christmas dinner once we handed over the OILIX data," said Holly.

"Oh," was all Snake could say as she struggled in Holly's firm grip.

"You went back on your promise, Snake," Holly went on. "You ran off to hide in Alaska. Women don't like being stood up like that, you know." Holly's eyes then narrowed a little. "I still haven't exactly forgiven you for that."

Oh great, what the hell did Otacon program her to do? Snake wondered fearfully.

"And y'know what? I'm getting a little hungry right now," said Holly. "I wonder how you'd taste?"

Those last few words almost gave Snake a heart attack. Otacon, If I get out of this, I swear I WILL WRING YOUR WORTHLESS PENCIL NECK!!

Holly slowly brought Snake closer to her face, and started to open her mouth. Snake almost lost it. Otacon said this program was incomplete, so he had no way of knowing what would happen if he 'died' at Holly's hands - or in her mouth. Snake looked into her mouth, seeing those huge pearly-white boulders that could effortlessly grind him into paste. It seemed ridiculous that after all the mercenaries he'd ever fought, he could easily wind up as some woman's snack. Snake shut his eyes, fearing the worst.

For a few seconds, nothing happened. Then Snake felt something hot, moist and sticky push against his head and move against the rest of his body. Snake opened his eyes, relieved and disgusted to find Holly was licking him up and down. Oh gross, this is the sort of thing Otacon fantasizes about? Snake thought, disgusted. Well, it's certainly better than being....

As if Holly had read his mind, she suddenly dropped Snake into her mouth and clamped it shut.

"DAMN YOU OTACON!!" Snake screamed from within Holly's mouth as she rolled him around with her tongue. Snake was completely drenched in saliva in no time, and he feared that soon Holly would start chewing. But luckily, that didn't seem to be the case, and she eventually spit him out. He landed in the palm of her hand, covered head to toe in saliva. This. Is. So. Nasty, he thought angrily as she stared back up at Holly's huge, smirking face, fearing whatever would come next.

"Hmm, what to do with you next?" Holly thought aloud as she gently tossed Snake up and down in her hand. "It's been so long. We have a lot to catch up on, don't we?"

But naturally, Snake's thoughts weren't focused on reminiscing with some virtual representation of his old partner. He was solely focused on getting away from Holly and getting the hell out of there, but being in this position, that proved next to impossible. Damnit, if only I had some weapons...wait a minute.

Holly slowly raised her hand back up to her face, getting ready to do God-knows-what to him. Snake slowly reached behind his back, careful not to make any sudden movements that would make Holly suspicious. "So Snake, any suggestions?" she asked teasingly.

Snake didn't answer. Instead, he muttered a silent prayer as he threw the only kind of weapon he had on him.

A stun grenade.

The noise from the flashbang couldn't seriously disorient Holly, but the intense light was enough to blind her. "YEOWW!" Holly screamed, so loudly it blew out Snake's eardrums. Holly's hands reflexively flew to her face, and Snake plummetted down quite a few feet, landing painfully in Holly's lap.

"Ow. That hurt," muttered Snake, forcing himself to get up despite the pain. He looked back up to see Holly rubbing her eyes, muttering curses under her breath. Her entire body trembled, and Snake decided it was best to leave. He ran down her leg and jumped off when he reached her knee. Once his feet were firmly planted on the street, he took off, not caring about which direction, just as long as he was putting distance between him and Holly. With any luck, that stun grenade would keep her blinded just long enough for him to slip away. Snake risked a glance behind him. Holly had finally stood up and had stopped rubbing her eyes, but she still looked disoriented. "Damn, she IS big," Snake thought aloud, noticing how Holly dwarfed many of the buildings.

For a few minutes, Snake simply ran like a man possessed, hoping to stumble upon the sneaking point, wherever it was. All the while, he was trying to get over how incredibly freaky that run-in with the giant Holly was. Sure, he'd seen all sorts of weird crap on all his Metal Gear-busting missions - a serial killer who attacked in tandem with life-sized dolls, a big flamethrower-toting oafish pyromaniac, a big Inuit shaman who lugged around a gatlin gun usually mounted on planes - but living through Otacon's sick little fantasies was too much!

As he was running, he noticed more boxes on the sidewalk, once again hovering and twirling around. He quickly ran over, hoping to find something useful. The first had several smoke grenades; perfect for some temporary cover. Another box was full of C4. At least Otacon put in something useful, Snake thought as he pocketed the goodies.

All of a sudden, he heard those ominous booming noises again. Sweat mingled with the saliva that still covered Snake, but what really unnerved him was realizing that the footfalls weren't coming from the way he had run. It sounded like something monstrous was approaching from up ahead.

"Oh no," Snake said to himself, remembering how Otacon said there would be more than one giantess to contend with. He looked down the street, and his heart sank again as he saw another blond woman round the corner, enlarged to the exact same proportions that Holly had! "Oh crap," Snake grumbled when he recognized who it was: Chris Jenner, the Delta Force member he met when he returned to Outer Heaven four years ago.

Snake quickly ran behind a parked semi truck, then cautiously peeked from behind cover to see what Chris would do. She looked exactly as he did that day he met her, her hair pulled back tightly into a ponytail and the sleeves of her uniform pulled up. Chris leisurely took a few steps down the street, causing the ground to shake violently and leaving boot-shaped craters in the concrete. Eventually, though, she got down on her knees as Holly had, and began to crawl down the street, closely examining the cars and buildings.

Snake ducked back behind the truck, completely at a loss for what to do next. He doubted he could slip by Chris, not after failing to evade Holly before. Snake desperately tried to think of a plan, but nothing came to him. When he peered down the street again, he saw that Chris was only a few feet away. She'd be looming over him in a few seconds, and easily spot him!

Snake had no desire to be the boy toy of another ex-partner. Panic overtook him, and he ran for the nearest building. He opened the door as quietly as he could and ran inside. "Whew," he breathed as he leaned against the door. "Maybe this time I'll be luckier."

For the moment, that did seem to be the case. Snake heard Chris's titanic form crawling past, further and further down the street. Snake just sat there for a while, trying to catch a breather. Ugh, first Holly, now Chris. Just how many women from my previous missions did Otacon stick into this thing!? Just how many more are running around and....

Suddenly, something smashed through the wall. The sound of shattering glass rang in Snake's ears as he scrambled forward, barely avoiding falling debris. "Hey there, Snake," said a familiar, feminine voice that seemed to surround him. Trembling with anxiety, Snake slowly turned around, and once again, saw a face that filled his entire field of vision. Chris looked upon him with an adoring gaze, one that unnerved Snake all over again. "I had a hunch you'd try to sneak in here. That's a real bad habit, you know."

"The hell is she talking about?" Snake wondered aloud, but then he looked around a took a good look at his surroundings. He had stumbled into a tobacco shop, one with enough stuff to give smokers like him hours of nicotine-laden bliss. "SON OF A BITCH!" he screamed.

When he turned back around, Snake saw Chris's fingers, thicker than telephone poles, coming for him. This time, though, Snake was ready. He rolled to the side and chucked a stun grenade out into the street. "ACK!" yelped Chris as the flashbang blinded her. Her fingers began groping the inside of the store, but Snake managed to crawl out without getting grabbed. However, she must have heard him, since she began feeling around the outside of the store. Snake didn't count on the stun grenade's effects lasting much longer, so he pulled out a smoke grenade and dropped it. Soon, a good portion of the street was enveloped in thick, opaque smoke, and under that cover, Snake removed a manhole cover and dropped down into the sewer.

"I don't know if I can take much more," Snake said to himself as he slowly trudged forward, trying not to let the sewer's stench get to him. But soon he had something far worse to worry about. All of a sudden, a gigantic fist slammed down into the sewer. Soon, Snake had to evade those gigantic, groping fingers yet again.

"Come on, Snake!" Chris's voice boomed from the street above. "Don't you remember how you said you come back to me once you finished what you said you had to do? You've made me wait a long time, Snake! It's not nice to keep a girl waiting!" she exclaimed, her sweet voice echoing throughout the sewer.

Oh, cry me a river, Snake thought dejectedly as he ducked under Chris's hand as it was coming back down, missing her grasping fingers by mere inches. A couple of giant-sized ex-partners of mine coming after me like schoolgirls in heat...this is freakier than any nightmare...oh, I am so going to KILL Otacon!

Soon enough, Snake was well out of reach of Chris's hand. He ran aimlessly through the tunnels, hoping to get far enough away from both Holly and Chris. Ugh, sewers...the underground waterways in Zanzibar, the sewer system right under Galuade, how do I always end up in places like this? he wondered. Because God hates me, that's why. How else could I get stuck in Otacon's little fetish movies?

Eventually, Snake felt confident that it was safe to return to the streets above. Snake cautiously peered out from underneath a manhole cover, looking and listening carefully. He took note of there being a construction site nearby, but all that mattered to him was that there was no sigh of any horny, King Kong-sized girls. Breathing a sigh of relief, Snake climbed out and slowly walked around. Maybe my goal's somewhere in that construction site, he reasoned, walking toward it. As he was waling, he came across another box. This one had an M16 with plenty of ammo, and even had a grenade launcher attached! Now THAT'S more like it! Snake thought as he loaded a grenade.

Then an all-too familiar sound made his spirits sink further than the freakin' Titanic: more booming footsteps off in the distance. Oh, no no no, Snake thought as he looked down the street. This time, the unwelcome sight of a gargantuan Meryl Silverburgh strolling down the street greeted him. Oh hell no, not HER too!! Snake thought, fighting back panic. Holly and Chris were bad enough, but if this was anything like the real Meryl - obstreperous, mischievous and dangerously enamored with him - he'd be in BIG trouble if he was caught.

Luckily, Meryl didn't seem to be intently looking for him, merely leisurely walking down the street, occassionally glancing down below. Snake decided it would be best to get off the street, but he had strayed too far from the manhole cover. And there weren't any parked cars and trucks close enough to him.

So, he ran for the nearest building an ran inside. For a while, he thought Meryl would just pass him by, but after a few seconds, he recalled how hiding in buildings had failed the last two times. He didn't want that sort of thing to happen a third time. Sighing, Snake turned and opened the door.

And was greeted by the sight of Meryl's kneeling over to stare at him, her huge, smiling face leering at him dangerously. "That makes the THIRD time I've snuck up on the legendary Solid Snake," she beamed at him, her thunderous voice making him wince.

Snake instinctively brought up his assault rifle, even though he knew it was of little use. Meryl just smiled even more broadly; she also knew it would hardly phase her. "Huh...how d-did..." he began.

"I just took a guess," said Meryl. "You must've thought you could use what was in here to keep yourself hidden on the street."

What? Snake turned around to see what Meryl was talking about. This time, he'd stumbled into a store filled with moving supplies...including hundreds of folded-up cardboard boxes. "MOTHERFUCKER!" Snake cried.

"Heh heh heh heh heh," Meryl snickered mischievously, making Snake break out into a nervous sweat all over again. He held his M16 at the ready, which made Meryl roll her eyes at him. "Oh, put that away, Snake. I remember you saying that you'd never shoot me," she said teasingly.

Snake's mind was racing, trying to think of some way, ANY way, to ditch Meryl. He had no idea was Meryl was planning to do, but the giddy, devilish look on her enormous face didn't exactly inspire confidence. But just as he was about give up hope, Snake noticed something right underneath Meryl's head.

He smiled back at Meryl evilly. "Yes, and I also recall saying you should wash your face whenever you get the chance," Snake said, still grinning broadly.

"Eh?" said Meryl, blinking in surprise. Before she could do anything else, Snake fired a grenade right underneath Meryl's chin...blowing off the fire hydrant that was there. The explosion also ruptured the water main, causing water to geyser up out of the street. "Wha...ACK!!" exclamied Meryl as the cold water soaked her entire head, taking her completely by surprise. As she sat back up trying to wipe away the water from her face, Snake bolted as fast as he could.

"I can't take much more of this SHIT!!" Snake screamed as he ran at top speed, throwing all thoughts of stealthiness to the wind. Seriously, he was running so fast, you'd think this was actually a Sonic fanfiction instead. No question about Snake being weirded out by the VR program...funny how that is. Taking down gigantic, nuclear-capable walking tanks? No problem! Having to evade three gargantuan women who all had the hots for him? God take him now!

More loud footfalls made Snake glance over his shoulder. Meryl had gotten herself together faster than he expected, and she was almost on top of him already! Panicking, Snake tried to load another grenade, but Meryl effortlessly plucked him off the middle of the street and brought him up to her face. "Oh no, you're not dumping me that easily," she said, fixing her cold stare on him. Snake gulped, certain that he was royally fucked now. "Why are you so afraid? Surely you're not scared of one girl?" she asked teasingly.

Well, when the girl in question can squish me with her big toe, I'd say...YEAH! Snake thought to himself.

"C'mon Snake, it's like you said. We said we'd start enjoying life!" Meryl exclaimed. With that, she threw him straight up. Snake screamed like mad as he came back down, only to be caught by Meryl, who immediately threw him back up into the air. "Lighten up, Snake. Enjoy yourself! Have a little fun!"

"Who the HELL would find this fun!?" screamed Snake as he landed back in Meryl's waiting hands, only to be tossed up again. Looking down, he saw the cold, hard concrete of the street hundreds of feet below, and thought he was going to puke.

This went on for a while, but eventually, Meryl grew tired of her little game. When she caught Snake again, she merely left him in the palms of her hands for a moment, leaving him to wonder what she had planned next. He soon found out when Meryl pulled back her top and dropped him into her cleavage, where we all know she stores her ammo clips. "Remember what I said about women having more hiding places than men? Here's one example," Meryl said as she crossed her arms and squeezed her ample bosom, trapping Snake in a soft, fleshy prison.

"Oh, painful. Killing me...with love..." gasped Snake. Sure, like any red-blooded male, Snake naturally had a thing for big breasts, but THIS was a bit much. The crushing pressure was getting unbearable, making it almost impossible to breathe.

What happened next...Snake wasn't really sure. He heard someone loudly yell "HEY!" and felt the sudden sensation of falling fast and hard, and saw the street below come up fast. He braced himself for the worst, but he didn't so splat; he stopped about a dozen feet above the asphalt. He looked around, and it looked as if Meryl was kneeling in the street; one arm was still crossed over her chest, but the other was being used to prop herself up.

Snake didn't take too much time wondering was had happened. He wriggled his way out of Meryl's cleavage and dropped to the street below, and not a moment too soon. Looking back up, he saw Meryl's upper body rise again, and behind her was Chris Jenner, grabbing her from behind.

"Hands off of him, you skanky-ass ho-bag!!" screeched an enraged Chris. "Snake is MINE!! He promised to come back to me!!"

"Urgh, get your hands off ME, you skinny little bitch!!" retorted Meryl. Snake privately thought of how stupid it seemed to call Chris 'little'. Or 'skinny' for that matter, not when she probably outweighed a Metal Gear Rex.

Meryl's retort must've pushed Chris over the edge, for she grabbed a handful of Meryl's hair, then slammed her face into a nearby skyscraper. "Ouch, now this is gonna be one hell of a catfight," thought Snake as he looked up...just in time to see chunks of concrete and shards of glass that were raining down. "Oh crap," Snake grumbled as he scrambled out of harm's way, tons of debris crashing noisily behind him.

Chris shoved Meryl's head through the skyscraper walls a few more times, but eventually, Meryl regathered her wits and elbowed Chris hard in the gut. Chris relinquished her hold, and Meryl charged and tackled her. The two of them stumbled back, closer to the construction site Snake had noticed before, and Snake had to dodge their crushing feet.

---

Meanwhile, in said construction site, from within a porta-potty right in the center, came the grumblings of some pissy guy, as well as the distinct sound that could only be the splattering of green apples.

"Ugh, damn diarrhea," muttered whoever was in the porta-potty. "Had it off and on ever since that run-in with that wench on Shadow Moses."

The ever-so-pleasant sound of explosive diarrhea filled the air once again. "Hmmm, wonder where I should go now? There was that offer by those Russian guys.... Well, wherever I end up, at least I won't ever have to worry about that redheaded bitch again."

All of a sudden, some woman screamed out, "TAKE THIS, YOU WORTHLESS WHORE!!" And that was followed by the sound of a right hook making its mark. Then, before you could say 'This is the end,' Meryl's unfathomably huge ass crashed down on top of the porta-potty, crushing it and its occupant flat.

And then, as if to add insult to injury, Meryl farted on his remains.

---

For a while, Snake stood by and watched Meryl and Chris battle it out. He didn't know whether or not he should be flattered that two women would fight over him like this. Then he remembered that these were only virtual representations of the girls he knew, and that he was in the middle of some screwed-up VR program he was supposed to be trying to get out of. "Time to take my leave," Snake thought aloud, turning away from the two battling giantesses.

Only to see the third giantess coming down the street, eyeing him lustily. "Oh no..." muttered Snake as he watched Holly loom closer and closer, his M16 hanging uselessly at his side. "Will this ever end? Oh, if I ever catch Otacon, I'll...."

The screech of tires cut through the tension-filled air, and just as Holly was bending over to pick him up yet again, a missile shot out of nowhere, hitting Holly in the side of her head. "YEOWTCH!" she screeched as her hand flew to her face, nursing the burn. She turned away as she uttered a string of profanities. Snake stared up at Holly, dumbfounded, but the sound of tires screeching to a halt right beside him made him look back down.

Otacon had pulled up in an ice cream truck pimped out with missile launchers, machine guns and a boobing head on the top, which looked like a clown with fire for hair. "The HELL is this!?" spat Snake, glaring at Otacon suspiciously.

"I told you, I put something useful into this program," said Otacon. "Sorry it took me a while to find it. What'd I miss?" Snake said nothing, but merely glared at him with a look that could strike Mother Brain dead where she stood. "Uh, never mind," said Otacon quickly. "Just get in."

Snake eyed the ice cream truck suspiciously, but then heard Holly mutter a curse again. Looking up, he saw the CIA agent glaring down at them hatefully. Snake turned around, and also saw that Chris and Meryl, while still grappling each other like Greco-Roman wrestlers, had spotted Snake's means of escape. Without a second thought, Snake hopped into the truck and stood behind Otacon's seat. However freaky-ass an ice cream truck loaded with weapons was, getting chased and caught by one of three giantesses in heat was far freakier. "Floor it, Hal. MOVE!!!"

"Too bad, it looks like things were getting good," said Otacon. Snake fought the urge to put Otacon in a chokehold as he peeled out and drove away at top speed. The thundering footsteps of the girls running after them made Snake look at the rear-view window. He absentmindedly noted the sentence 'OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR' as he saw Holly gaining on them, reaching down to grab the ice cream truck. But just as it looked like all was lost, Snake saw Meryl grab Holly from behind and shove her aside, sending her careening into the wall of a nearby building.

"Ouch," said Otacon blankly as he kept on driving. He turned a corner and did a powerslide just as it looked like Meryl would grab hold of them too. "Hang on, Snake. I think I remember where the exit is. If we're lucky, we'll be out of this particular program in no time!"

Just as he said that, Meryl had caught up with the ice cream truck. She tried to grab it, but Otacon saw her hand coming and tried to swerve away. Meryl's gigantic fingers scraped against the top of the top, which was enough to cause it to spin out of control and flip over. However, after rolling over a few times, it inexpicably came back down, right-side up, and continued speeding away.

Otacon powerslid around another corner just as Meryl tried to grab the truck again. "Hang on, Snake," said Otacon. He then hit something that gave the ice cream truck a burst of speed. it barreled down the street at well over 200 miles per hour, and Snake hung onto the back of Otacon's seat for dear life.

Eventually, Otacon had to cut the boost, for whatever reason. Snake breathed a sigh of relief, thinking they were finally in the clear. But all of a sudden, Chris stepped out into the middle of the road, only a hundred feet or so in front of them, smiling wickedly and waving at them. "Oh shit, Otacon, turn back!!" Snake cried out.

"Don't worry, Snake. I've got it covered," Otacon replied with a confidence Snake didn't share at all. As the truck sped closer and Chris reached down, some sort of fireball shot out from the truck at a 45 degree angle. The ball of napalm landed right on Chris's right foot.

"OUCH OUCH OUCH! HOT!" screamed Chris as she lifted her leg up, grabbing her burned foot. She began hopping up and down on one foot, creating a huge tremor each time her boot smashed into the street. The ice cream truck sped right by, unmolested.

"Whew, we shouldn't have much more trouble now," said Otacon. "Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."

"Oh don't worry, nothing really happened," Snake drawled. "I just had to outwit three gigantic lovesick army brats, almost get eaten alive, drenched in saliva, and almost crushed to death in between a pair of gigantic tits."

Snake had meant that retort to put Otacon on a guilt-trip, but it had the opposite effect. "Lucky bastard," he said, looking back to smirk at Snake. Snake had forgotten all about Otacon's secret little wishes, but before he could act on the overwhelming urge to rearrange Otacon's face, the techno-geek looked ahead and yelled, "SNAKE, HANG ON! I forgot, the bridge up ahead is out!"

With that, Otacon kicked in the turbo boost, and the ice cream truck sped forward again, going up the bridge. Up ahead, Snake could see how the center of the bridge looked as if it had been blown away. Snake gripped the back of the seat tightly, fearing the worst. A few seconds later, the truck launched off of one end of the bridge. As it flew through the air, Leviathan of Final Fantasy fame suddenly rose from the water, reaching up to bite at the truck. He misses the truck by a hair, though, and it lands safely at the other side.

Otacon continued to drive for another minute or so. Snake thought that not seeing any sign of the trio of giantesses was an encouraging sign. That all changed when he heard that all-too familiar rumbling coming from all around the clock.

"Oh hell no," muttered Snake just as he caught sight of Holly coming into view in the rear-view mirror, a few hundred feet behind them. Not only that, Chris was squuezing her way through an alley to their left, and Meryl stepped out a few hundred feet in front of them. "Oh no no no. Let it end. God, just let it end."

"Don't worry, Snake. We're almost to the sneaking point anyway," said Otacon, pointing ahead. Snake looked to where he was pointing, and sure enough, beyond Meryl's massive frame, was a floating, transparent, upside-down red pyramid, which indicated the goal in most VR training scenarios. "If we just drive the truck into it, we win. Too bad, though. Looking at all three of them...this program is working better than I could've hoped...."

"Just SHUT UP AND DRIVE!!" bellowed Snake as he leaned out of the ice cream truck, loading a grenade into the M16's launcher. He expected he'd need to fire it off at either Holly or Chris. Luckily for him, Holly had caught up and had slammed Chris into the side of a building. So, he turned his attention to Meryl, who was coming for them fast. As she reached down to grab the truck, Snake fired the grenade up into the palm of her hand. Meryl let out a hiss as she recoiled from the pain, nursing the scorch on the palm of her hand. The truck sped underneath her legs and barreled forward nonstop to the goal marker. Right before the truck made contact, Snake thought, Hopefully, this nightmare will end soon.

Little did he realize his troubles were just beginning.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 3: Dancing With Stupidity
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

For a while, Snake couldn't see or hear anything, and felt only that annoying tingly sensation. But at long last, Snake's hearing and vision returned, having entered whatever ungodly freaky scenario Otacon's little program had lined up next. Snake breathed deeply and opened his eyes, too scared to think about what was coming next. He couldn't imagine anything worse than being chased by three giant, horny army brats, but he had a nasty feeling that even worse things were ahead.

He was righter than he knew.

The first thing he noticed was that it was quite dark, wherever they were, and that he was STILL soaked in Holly's saliva. As Snake waited for his eyes to adjust, he knelt down and took a few deep breaths while wiping off the goop as best he could. It was then that he heard Otacon speak up. "Oh boy, now I remember.... Snake, I don't think you're gonna like this scenario either," he said.

"How could I possibly like any VR program that involves your sick obsession with King Kong-sized girls!?" muttered Snake acidly. "I've heard of some messed-up obsessions in my time, but wanting to be toyed with by a building-sized girl takes the freakin' cake."

"Well, er, it's not exactly a 'building-sized girl' this time," said Otacon sheepishly.

"Huh, what do you mean?" asked Snake. But then he got an inkling of what Otacon meant when he noticed what he was standing on.

Despite there not being much light, Snake saw that the floor beneath him looked to be one huge slab of polished wood, but something was very wrong: the space between the grains was too far apart. That didn't really register with Snake right at the moment, but then he looked around some more, and noticed something that immediately made him think Ah, hell.

Right next to his feet was a thumbtack that was bigger than his head.

"Otacon, you gotta be shitting me," Snake said as he took a good look around. From the looks of it, they were standing on top of a gigantic computer desk. Nearby there was what looked like a giant electric pencil sharpener, and a few dozen feet away (to them, anyway) was a huge computer monitor, and beyond it the tower wich housed the hard drive. Despite some fluorescent ligghts high up in the ceiling being on, the whole room they were in was dimly lit for some reason, and at the moment the two of them were underneath some shelves built into the desk, further hiding them in the shadows.

"No, I am not shitting you," Otacon said flatly. "In this simulation, we're really a couple of inches high and stuck on a computer workstation."

Snake said nothing. He couldn't think of anything scything enough to shoot back at Otacon. So he just settled for slamming his head against the desk repeatedly, muttering curses incoherently.

"Oh, get a hold of yourself," Otacon spat as he grabbed Snake and pulled him back on his feet. Snake felt like snapping his neck right then and there, but Otacon spoke up again. "Listen, despite how weird this may seem, it's really just another sneaking exercise. All we need to do is make it off the desk and to the sneaking point at the other side of the room. And look on the bright side: there's only ONE girl this time around."

"Oh, just ONE towering, ultra-horny girl this time?" Snake asked sarcastically. "One is plenty bad enough. Just who is it?"

As if on cue, Snake heard the rythmic clacking of heels, and it steadily grew louder and louder. Snake instinctively grabbed Otacon and ducked behind the pencil sharpener. Oh great, who is it this time? Snake wondered grimly as the clacking grew louder than ever. Eventually, it stopped, and Snake dared to peek out from behind the pencil sharpener. I should've known, Snake thought with a sigh when he saw who it was.

The towering form of Mei Ling, the young technical genius he had worked with twice before, was now standing in front of the desk, fiddling with some papers. Luckily, she wasn't looking in their direction, and the shadows were probably doing a good job of hiding them. "We gotta run across the desk without her seeing us? That's ALL!?" Snake asked with a sarcastic bite in his voice.

When he didn't receive an answer, Snake turned around, only to see Otacon staring dreamily up at the huge Mei Ling. "So...cute...." he muttered softly. Snake said nothing, deciding to smack Otacon upside the head instead. "Oww!" Otacon cried.

"Get yourself together, you little freak," whispered Snake as he eyed the giant Mei Ling warily. She had just sat down, and to Snake that seemed to make her loom even closer to them. As she began to busily type away, Snake figured that she'd probably be too focused on her computer screen to notice them. Still, the idea of just running across the desk with no cover made Snake weary. But then, out of the corner of his eye, Snake spotted something that could help....

"Snake, what're you...." Otacon started to say, but fell silent when he saw what Snake was doing. He walked over to a box of paper clips and began to quietly take them all out. Once that was done, he motioned for Otacon to get under the box with him. "Ah, that trick again. You never get tired of it, do you?"

"Hey, it always seems to work. Why shouldn't it now?" asked Snake.

"It's not that. I just could never wrap my head around the idea of all those guards being fooled by a cardboard box," said Otacon.

"Yeah, and I can't wrap my head around the idea of someone who desires women the size of the Statue of Liberty," Snake replied blithely.

"Touche," said Otacon tonelessly as he got under the box. Snake cut himself peepholes in the sides of the box with his survival knife, and then the two started to slowly begin their trek across the desk.

At first, it seemed like everything was going well. Mei Ling seemed to be blissfully unaware of her paper clip box inexplicably moving across her desk. Nevertheless, Snake warily watched the giantess through his peephole, fearing that she'd sense something was amiss. Still, despite the tension, Snake still had to admit to himself that Mei Ling looked as cute and charming as ever. It did little to alleviate his apprehension, though; after what happened in the last scenario, it was unnerving to be staring up at Mei Ling's massive form and wondering if she'd suddenly spot them and scoop them up.

At one point, it looked like the game was up. As Snake and Otacon neared the monitor, Mei Ling's eyes suddenly looked down from her computer screen, right at their box. "Hmm?" muttered Mei Ling as a big question mark appeared over her head.

Uh oh, game over, Snake thought morosely as he peered through a peephole, seeing Mei Ling stare down at the box. The weight of her gaze was a palpable thing. Any minute now, a gigantic hand would fly from the keyboard for their box, Snake was sure of it. However, it looked like luck was with him for once. Mei Ling merely shrugged and went back to her typing. "Whew," Snake breathed with relief as he and Otacon scooted behind the monitor and then the tower.

As they went behind the tower, they had to get out of the box to climb over some wires. "Can't we just use some of these wires to climb down behind the desk?" Snake asked.

"The hole in the back is too small. Too many wires going through it," said Otacon. "We'll have to climb down using the phone cord." Otacon pointed across the desk, where a phone rested at the very end. Unfortunately, to them it was about the length of a football field.

"Great. Just great," spat Snake as he leaned against the tower, regathering his wits. Almost being found out by Mei Ling had unnerved him more than he cared to admit. "I just don't get it Otacon. I keep trying and trying to figure it out, but I keep coming up blank," Snake said, careful to speak softly for fear of being overheard by Mei Ling. "For the life of me I can't see why anyone would have a thing for women that could kick the shit out of Godzilla, or being a girl's mouse-sized pet."

"Well, it's hard to explain. I really don't understand it myself. I sort of, just do," Otacon replied. "But I think part of it has to do with...I dunno, liking women with strength in the first place. I think that's part of the reason I was drawn to Sniper Wolf in the first place. Can't you understand that at least?"

"I wouldn't really know. Wolf and I were usually too busy trying to kill each other for me to dwell on how sexy she was," said Snake with an air of sarcasm.

Otacon glared at Snake. "I meant the part about admiring women who have the strength to look out for themselves and take crap from no one."

Snake thought back to all the times after the Shadow Moses crisis when Meryl had knocked him flat on his ass for saying or doing something stupid. "No comment," was all he said.

"Whatever. Let's just get going," said Otacon as he lifted the paper clip box.

"Anxious to bug out so soon?" inquired Snake. "I thought you were enjoying yourself here."

"True. But the sooner we get out of THIS scenario, the better. Trust me, you DON'T want Mei Ling catching us," Otacon replied harshly. "She'll do things so sadistic, you'll wish you were back in Meryl's cleavage."

Snake peered around the tower. Mei Ling always had the air of someone who wouldn't hurt a fly, even now when she seemed giant-sized to him. Snake couldn't see why Otacon would program her to do anything so egregiously out of character. But Snake didn't press the issue and got back under the box, continuing their long trek across the desk. "Ugh, why did you have to make this desk so goddamn long?" he groaned.

"Well, training sims aren't supposed to be easy, are they?" Otacon said ruefully. A few seconds later, he spoke up again. "Oh, by the way, you'll want to pull out your gas mask soon," he said as he fished out a gas mask of his own from his lab coat.

"Gas mask?" Snake repeated. "I don't have one."

"Didn't you find one in the New York sim?" Otacon asked impatiently.

"Hal, I was a little too busy trying to avoid three building-sized girls aiming to smother me to death with kindness that kills," Snake shot back. "And why would we need gas masks anyway?"

As if to answer his question, Snake heard Mei Ling's chair roll backward, and then it sounded like Mei Ling was taking her shoes off. "What's going...." Snake began as he looked out through a peephole, but was cut off when he saw Mei Ling's bare feet slam down onto the desk not far from him, the impact jarring both him and Otacon. A second later, he knew why Otacon had mentioned the gas masks....

"Oh good GOD! Gimme a break!" Snake cried the stench of sweat and leather assaulted his nose, which somehow had diffused into the box in no time. He looked out through the peephole again, seeing nothing but the soles of Mei Ling's gigantic feet and her wiggling toes. "Oh that's just great, Otacon. Don't tell me you have a foot fetish, too."

"No!" Otacon snapped defensively. "I just thought her smelly feet would make a good hazard. And I thought it was kind of funny."

Snake looked daggers at Otacon. "Notice how I'm not laughing," he said flatly.

"Well, let's just hurry up then," said Otacon, noticably faltering under Snake's gaze. "'Cause if we stick around too long, she'll also...."

But Otacon was cut off by what was undoubtedly the biggest and loudest fart Snake had ever heard.

"...Break wind," Otacon finished sheepishly.

"AHHH!!" Snake screamed as he covered his face. The overpowering stench of flatulence, mixed with the smell of Mei Ling's feet, was almost enough to knock him out as surely as any nerve gas. "Gimme that!" he cried as he swiped Otacon's gas mask and held it up to his face, breathing deeply.

The two pressed on, still weary of getting spotted by Mei Ling. After moving a few more paces, Otacon was forced to grab the gas mask from Snake, ensuring himself a few seconds of breathable air. They kept swapping the gas mask for the entire length of the trip, right until they finally made it to the phone on the other side of the desk.

"Whew, finally," Snake muttered as he threw off their box and began to climb down the receiver cord, which luckily dangled over the edge. Otacon followed close behind, though he had difficulty since he wasn't anywhere near as athletic as Snake. It was hard for Snake as well, having to climb down it as if it were a ladder instead of sliding down, and the cord was no good for rappeling either.

However, Snake eventually reached the floor, and looked up to see how Otacon was doing. From his perspective, he was still at least fifteen feet up. He then looked over at Mei Ling, who was still leaning back with her feet up on her desk, typing away at the keyboard in her lap. Still completely oblivious, he thought as he eyed the giant technician nervously. They had put some distance between her and them, but Snake had a nasty feeling she could still spot them should she happen to glance over their way. But with any luck, she won't notice us as we make a break for the sneaking point...provided Otacon doesn't do anything stupid.

And as fate would have it, it was then that Otacon did just that. At that moment, he somehow lost his grip and fell down. "Snake, look out!!" he cried. Snake, who had still been holding onto the cord, looked up just in time to see Otacon falling, and a microsecond later fell right onto him. They were a mess of tangled limbs for a moment, but when they finally pulled themselves apart, Snake heard the distinct sound of a grenade's pin being pulled.

Snake looked down at Otacon's hand, and saw a grenade pin on his finger. Somehow, in some STUPID way, Otacon's hand had gotten into his pouch of grenades and accidently yanked out a pin. Snake was sure the look of frozen shock on Otacon's face matched his own.

"Crap crap CRAP!!" Snake spat as he reached into his pouch, immediately spying the stun grenade with a missing pin. But he harrdly pulled it out before it went off, the flashbang combo instantly knocking both him and Otacon out cold.

---

When Snake finally came to and the cobwebs cleared, he realized he was lying on a wooden surface again. At first he thought the Mei Ling scenario had restarted, but then he noticed that whatever surface he was on, he was also on an incline. He looked around as he struggled to get up. Otacon was right next to him, just coming to as well, and the wood surface they were on seemed rough, like that of a strip of lumber. He noticed they were at one end, and the other end of this VERY long strip of lumber rested on the edge of Mei Ling's desk.

Before he could begin to make sense of any of this, a familiar, sweet voice rang in his ears. "Well, look who's finally up," said the mellifluous voice. "Didn't think you'd be awake again so quickly, not after getting knocked out by your own stun grenade. That wasn't very bright, Snake," she finished, sticking her tongue out at him.

"Well, you can blame Otacon for that," he said brusquely, but it didn't seem like Mei Ling had heard him, wherever she was. Snake finally worked up enough nerve to look up. Mei Ling's huge, smiling face hovered a couple dozen feet (from his perspective) over him, and she was bending over to get a good look at him. If only she was bending over and facing the other way, Snake suddenly thought. Heh, there I go again. Funny how more often than not those thoughts pop into my head whenever a woman has me dead to rights, Snake thought. Meryl's legs, Sniper Wolf's rack, the list went on and on.

A sudden fit of giggling from Mei Ling snapped Snake back to attention. "Hee hee, remember how you said you were surprised that a world-class designer of military technology was so cute?" Mei Ling asked. "Well, right now, you look pretty cute yourself. I could just eat you up right now."

Snake's face fell as the warning bells went off in his head. Oh no, not AGAIN!! He then remembered how Otacon said Mei Ling had some sadistic stuff in store for them if they were caught with their pants down. A guided tour of her digestive tract would certainly classify as sadistic.

"Oh, don't be silly. I'm not REALLY going to eat you," said Mei Ling teasingly, obviously noticing the look on Snake's face. "But I do have a little game for you and Otacon, though. And wouldn't you know it, he's waking up now!"

"Ugh, where am I?" Otacon muttered as he came to.

"Still in your little VR fantasy. About to play a game, courtesy of Mei Ling," Snake answered.

This got Otacon's attention. "Oh no. No no no," he said as he got up, staring up at Mei Ling's smiling face. This time, however, his expression wasn't one of rapture, but pure terror. "Snake, be ready to move. We're in for it now...."

"Why. What's she gonna...." Snake started to ask, but then he saw Mei Ling walk over to the desk and sit down on it, right next to where the other end of the plank rested.

"Okay, boys. All you have to do is make it up to the desk," she said. "Of couse, it's not going to be easy." With that, she pulled open a drawer and took out a round-looking object. She then set it on the top of the plank and let it roll down at them. Soon Snake could see what it was: a spool of thread.

Snake and Otacon both sidestepped it to avoid getting flattened, but then Mei Ling took out another spool and let it roll down. And then another, and another. Within seconds, the two of them would be constantly dodging an endless barrage of rolling spools. "Death by spool. Now that's humiliating," Snake grumbled. "Otacon, can't we just jump off the board and try to escape?"

"Sure, if you don't mind having your virtual molecules scattered everywhere," Otacon replied. "Take a look at the floor around us."

"Huh?" Snake peered over the board to see what he was talking about. All around the board a puddle of that same sallow glop that was used to try to control rats in the fortress of Zanzibar, which Snake knew was sulfuric acid. Snake knew one dip in that would mean instant death. Christ, how much chocolate would I need for all of that? Snake thought.

"Heads up Snake!" Otacon cried as he ducked aside to avoid a spool. Snake looked back up, seeing a spool was heading his way too. He muttered a curse as he ran aside to avoid it, then started ascending the board, seeing that their only hope for survival right now was to complete Mei Ling's game.

"Come on boys, you're doing fine so far!" Mei Ling called out to them, her typically sweet voice now painfully echoing all around them. Snake tried not to look at her as he weaved around to avoid the deadly, rolling spools, not wanting to see how Mei Ling's cute face was now leering down at them, smiling with twisted glee.

Given how small they were, and given the length of the wooden board, it was taking Snake and Otacon quite a while to run up to the top, especially since they had to avoid getting run over by a spool almost every second. It was also difficult to see some of the spools coming at them, until it was almost too late. And sometimes, Mei Ling would set down a spool in such a way that it would bounce down at them, and those were even harder to avoid. The effort was quickly starting to take a toll on Snake, and Otacon was even worse off. Snake could hear him breathing heavily, and he was constantly falling behind. How much more can he take? Snake wondered. How much more can I take!?

"You're doing fine, guys!" Mei Ling called out encouragingly. "You're halfway up now! Keep it up!"

"Otacon, have I reminded you within the last five minutes how much I hate you?" Snake asked as he dodged another spool. He risked a glance at Mei Ling. Now that they were closer to their goal, the insane size disparity was once again apparent. Her legs were crossed and hung over the desk, and were the size of sequioas to Snake. And just her upper body seemed as big as an office building.

At last, just when Snake thought he couldn't take any more, he finally reached the very top of the board. He collapsed to his hands and knees, trying to catch his breath. Then he noticed a shadow looming over him. Snake yelped as he jumped aside and looked up, seeing Mei Ling lowering a hand, holding another spool. She let it go and it rolled down, and Otacon barely avoided it. He then finally caught up with Snake, breathing heavily as well. "Yay! You did it!" Mei Ling exclaimed, clapping so loudly it made Snake wince.

Then, she swiftly scooped them up with both hands and brought them up to her face. She nuzzled them against her cheek as Snake thought, This is supposed to make up for putting us through a 'Honey, I Shrunk The Kids' version of Donkey Kong? She then pulled her hands away, but she still held them so close that her adorable face was all that filled Snake's field of vision. For a few moments, she just held them in her hands, simply staring at them lovingly.

Even though he knew Mei Ling must've had something else in store for them, Snake still couldn't deny how cute she looked, and the palm of her hand was strangely comfortable. Otacon, predictably, had an enraptured look on his face. Maybe, just MAYBE, Snake would've been able to see why Otacon liked this so much, if he wasn't exhausted and scared out of his mind, fearing what Mei Ling would do next.

Soon enough, his fears were realized. "Well, I hope you boys have had enough rest, because we're going to play another game!" she told them, making Snake shudder in fear. With that, she got off the desk and walked across the room. It was a short walk for her, but it seemed to take forever, and the clacking of her heels was like the onimous heralding of their doom.

Mei Ling stepped up onto something, and then Snake finally found his voice. "Otacon, what's next?" he asked fearfully.

Otacon didn't answer for a moment, probably still too enthralled. But he finally said, "It's an arcade machine she's stepped onto." Snake then saw Mei Ling's other hand reaching for something, and she was holding a quarter between her fingers.

"An...arcade machine in a computer lab?" Snake asked dubiously. "Oh that makes a lot of sense."

Otacon shruggged his shoulders. "Well, I had a PlayStation in my old lab, remember?" he replied.

Snake just scowled; he had been too busy fighting Grey Fox back then to notice anything like that. "Whatever. What sort of arcade game is it?" As he asked that, Snake noticed that Mei Ling was lowering them to the floor...or rather, the base of the arcade machine. She then roughly dropped them down onto it.

Otacon bit his lip. "Uh...it's Dance Dance Revolution."

Snake just stood there, blinking. He didn't really understand what that involved; let's face it, when was the last time you saw an anti-social trained killer like Snake in an arcade room? "What the hell is that about?"

"Well, like the name implies, it involves, well, dancing," said Otacon nervously. It took a few more seconds for Snake to get an idea of what was coming.

"OK guys, get ready! For someone who's fought as many Metal Gears as you, this should be easy, Snake!" Mei Ling yelled down at them. Some trippy music started, making the two of them look up. And as fate would have it, Mei Ling had dropped them so they had ended up DIRECTLY underneath her, giving them a most glorious view up her skirt. Otacon and even Snake were momentarily transfixed by the heavenly view displayed above them. Only bright lights going off underneath the base they were all standing on snapped him out of it.

Looking down, Snake saw that he and Otacon were standing on a large colored square with an arrow in it. "Hero we go!" Mei Ling cried. He looked up again, and saw Mei Ling lifting her left foot.

Suddenly, it dawned on Snake. "Oh no. No way my luck is that bad," he muttered dejectedly.

All of a sudden, some weird J-Popish song started. "Oh HELL no," said Snake as Mei Ling's foot started coming down fast.

"Snake, MOVE!!" screamed Otacon as he grabbed Snake's arm and pulled him aside. Snake got the hint and ran with him, just before Mei Ling's foot slammed down. The impact made the two of them bounce around on the DDR machine's base; they were quickly separated, and Snake went skidding across the base. A few more footfalls made Snake bounce around some more, and then he noticed even brighter light emanating from underneath. He glanced down and saw that he was on another square with an arrow, and it had lit up.

"Oh please no...." Snake looked up and saw Mei Ling's other foot coming for him. He closed his eyes, fearing that it was finally game over. A thunderous booming noise blew out his eardrums, and he bounced up again, his head smacking against something hard. He landed hard against the base again, and quickly looked back up. He was directly underneath the arch of Mei Ling's shoe, and a quick glance showed that the heel had barely missed him.

Her foot moved again, slamming down onto another square, only to come right back as the square Snake was under lit back up. He dove and rolled away just in time to avoid getting squashed underneath her heel. The impact still knocked him up into the air, only to fall back down flat on his face. Snake quickly got back up, but staying on his feet proved to be borderline impossible, thanks to Mei Ling's feet constantly slamming against the base as the song continued.

As he struggled to maintain at least some balance - and avoid getting knocked around and onto another square - he lookd around for Otacon. He too was trying his damnedest to keep his balance, but he had bounced onto a square himself...one that had just lit up. Snake turned away, shutting his eyes tight, afraid that it was over for Otacon. But after getting bounced around a couple more times, Snake forced himself to look over to the square and he struggled to stand back up. Mercifully, Otacon was still on the board and not splattered all over the sole of Mei Ling's shoe. "Otacon, how the hell do we get out of this!? When will it stop!?" he demanded as he made his way over to him, trying to shout over the deafening pop song.

Otacon grabbed onto Snake to try to keep from being bounced around. "I really didn't get that far into programming this one. This game of hers will pretty much go on forever until we're squashed!" he shouted. Snake could barely hear him over the song. "If we try to get off the board, she'll automatically use her feet to sweep us back on, and there's a board to keep us from getting onto the other side of the machine."

Snake glanced over to see that there was indeed a wooden board separating the two pads. "So what the hell are we supposed to do!?"

The two of them were bounced around yet again, dangerously close to another square. Otacon had a defeated look. "I'm not sure! Maybe, maybe if we can distract her for a bit, we can get off this board, and maybe even get to the sneaking point! But don't ask me how; I haven't got the slightest clue!!"

Snake racked his brains for some way to distract Mei Ling, but the thunderously loud song make it impossible to think. After a while, the song finally ended, and so did Mei Ling's deadly dancing. Snake and Otacon tried to catch their breath as Mei Ling just stared down at them, giggling. "Hee hee, fun isn't it? You boys getting enough exercise down there?" she asked coyly. "Well, get ready for another round," she said as she popped another quarter into the machine.

Oh no, not MORE! Snake thought, on the verge of panic. He looked over at Mei Ling's foot. Any second now, another idiotic song would begin, and Mei Ling would start that dance of death again. And if Otacon was right, this would keep going until they both met their end underneath those gigantic black pumps of hers. This is as bad as trying to run around fighting a Metal Gear. No, wait, this is even worse...hold the phone....

But just as a plan was forming in his head, another song began to play, and the square closest to him and Otacon lit up. "Here we go again," Otacon croaked as Mei Ling's foot came down, knocking them both in the air. They were bounced closer to that square, and a few seconds later, it lit up again. But Snake made no effort to get away. "Huh?! Snake, what's wrong with you!?" Otacon demanded when he noticed Snake wasn't trying to escape. It seemed as if he was patiently waiting.

When Mei Ling's foot smashed onto the pad a second later, Snake let himself get bounced into the air. He landed right on the edge of her shoe, and quickly fished out some of the C4 he had found earlier. Hopefully we're too small for her to notice this, Snake mused as he attached the explosive. He had it securely in place just as her foot moved. Snake landed back on the square, which lit up again almost immediately. He ducked and rolled away as Mei Ling's foot slammed back down, and it missed him by a hair. Snake attached another unit of C4 right before her foot moved again.

And so, Snake kept on doing this, getting as dangerously close to Mei Ling's dancing feet as possible so he could plant his C4. It wasn't as hard as it may sound; let's face it, after fighting both the Gander and Rex models, it's no surprise he'd gotten used to that sort of thing. Finally, when he'd used up all his C4, he made his way over to Otacon, who had pretty much tried to stay in the center of the board, and miraculously succeeded. From the sound of things, the song was about to end, and Snake figured now was the perfect time to 'distract' Mei Ling. "Get ready, Otacon. This dance is about to heat up for her," Snake said as he hit the remote detonator, setting off all the C4 at once.

KA-BOOM! All the C4 exploded while Mei Ling was still in the middle of her dance, catching her completely by surrpise. "Wha...YEOOWWWW!!" she screeched as the explosions burned through her shoes and scorched her feet. "What the...OWW, HOT, HOT!!" She lost her balance and began to fall straight down, her rapidly-descending derriere coming straight for Snake and Otacon.

"Oh crap, MOVE IT!!" Snake shouted to Otacon. Both of them bolted, barely evading Mei Ling's massive rear. However, the impact sent them flying off the DDR machine's base, and they came skidding to a halt on the lab's tiled floor.

As Snake tried to pry himself up off the floor, Otacon yelled out, "Snake, the sneaking point's just across the lab. Let's run for it!" Otacon helped Snake get back on his feet, and the two of them made a break for it, running so fast you'd swear they had Samus Aran's speed booster and Link's pegasus boots on loan from Nintendo or something.

"OH no, you boys aren't getting away that easily!" Mei Ling cried out angrily. Snake risked a glance behind him, seeing that she had stood up. She glared evilly at them from across the room as she rubbed her aching butt. Snake looked back ahead. We're halfway there, if we can only make it....

But loud clacking noises immediately dashed Snake's hopes. He glanced over his shoulder again only to see Mei Ling coming after them, closing the distance between them fast. But luck was with Snake again, for once. When she began to reach down to grab Snake and Otacon, she stepped onto one of the spools left on the floor from her earlier game

"What the...WHOA!" Mei Ling exclaimed in surprise. She tried to stand back up, flailing her arms in a vain attempt to maintain balance. But she ended up stepping on more spools, and comically fell on her ass yet again. "Ow. That hurt," she moaned as she helplessly watched Snake and Otacon run like mad for the sneaking point.

Well, that's two down, but how many more to go? Snake wondered as the two of them finally made it. Right before they dematerialized, he wondered what else was in store. Whatever it was, Snake knew that he wouldn't like it one bit.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 4: Yeah, It's Stupid, Bitch!
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

Soon enough, that annoying tingling went away and his hearing and vision returned. Snake slowly opened his eyes, fearing he and Otacon would be bug-sized again. But at least that wasn't the case this time. Wherever they were, it looked they were in a back alley somewhere. The air was hot and dry, and the sun was directly overhead in a mostly cloudless sky. The blazing rays made Snake break out into a sweat almost instantly; his suit had mostly been designed for arctic cold, not heat.

"Well, here we go again," said Snake as he turned to Otacon. "What's this place supposed to be?"

Otacon scratched his head. "I-I'm not really sure," he said warily. "I-I don't really remember what order I put everything in."

"Lovely," grumbled Snake. "Well, let's have a look around." With that, he bravely started to stealthily walk out of the alley, motioning for Otacon to follow. He half-expected some giantess to start looming over them the minute they stepped onto the street, so he took out his M16 and loaded a grenade. After that thing with Mei Ling, I'd better be ready for anything, he thought, shuddering at the memory of Mei Ling's little DDR session.

As he stepped out onto the street, the first thing Snake noticed was that, unlike the New York scenario - which had been eerily devoid of any other people besides Holly, Chris and Meryl - this street was bustling with activity. And one glance was all Snake needed to realize that this wasn't supposed to be America at all. Judging from the way people dressed, Snake guessed they were somewhere in the Middle East. And wherever they were, it seemed quite prosperous. Rows of fairly new cars were parked along the street, and many shops had signs advertizing Western products.

Snake wasn't sure what city or country this was supposed to be, but at the moment, there were no giant women in sight, so he relaxed a little. As pedestrians passed them by, no one took any notice of them, as if they weren't out of place at all. Snake tried to listen in on their conversations, but it didn't sound like Arabic they were speaking, but some other, similar language.

Snake turned to Otacon. "OK, this is obviously someplace in the Middle East. Where exactly?"

Otacon looked flustered, as if there was yet another thing he didn't want to admit. "Uhh, I remember now. This is Iraq, I think."

"Oh that's just perfect," snapped Snake. But there didn't seem to be any tension in the air or among the people on the street. And there weren't any U.S. troops to be seen anywhere, and no armored transport vehicles rolling down the road. It was nothing like one would pciture the streets of Iraq in the post-Saddam era.

As Snake pondered what was going on, it hit him. This was the ONLY part of the country where people weren't trying to blow shit up every thirty seconds: the northern part of Iraq where the Kurds lived. Snake paled as he realized what this meant. The Kurdish region of Iraq, nightmarish VR scenarios where overgrown women ran rampant, and ones designed by Otacon no less. It could only mean one thing.... "Otacon, this is Sniper Wolf's level, isn't it!?" Snake demanded brusquely.

Otacon's expression was akin to that of someone who'd been caught masturbating. "Uhh, err, w-why would you say that?" he asked nervously. Snake glared at Otacon with a look that would make a score of Covenant Grunts flee in terror. "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!" Otacon cried, caving in. "OK, OK, she IS in this one!"

Snake shook his head. Perfect, Otacon. Not only did you program my old partners to be lumbering, horny giants and dancing sadists, now we're up against a supersized version of the most tenacious bitch I've ever met on the battlefield. But something about a scenario that required outwitting a giant Sniper Wolf didn't make sense....

"OK, not only would this mean we might have to add necrophilia to your list of screwed-up desires," Snake began, ignoring the look of indignation from Otacon, "but please explain to me the logic of having a giant Sniper Wolf to fight. Not only would it be impossible for her to hide anywhere, but at that size, her sniper rifle is borderline useless!"

"Err, well, it's not exactly her rifle she'll be using," said Otacon. "I always figured she had unerring aim with any weapon, so here, she uses something else."

"Oh great, what?" Snake asked, dreading the answer.

"Well, first of all," Otacon began as he looked around. He froze when he apparently noticed something. Snake looked up to see what Otacon had spotted. On the side of a building, Snake saw something that didn't quite belong in a Kurdish city: a surveillance camera, which was fixed on them. "Uh, first, she zeroes in on our location with those. And then...."

Otacon suddenly looked up, as if trying to spot something else. He froze again, making Snake look up as well. Off in the distance, Snake noticed a big, round something hurling through the air over the city, coming right for them. "Crap, get back in the alley!" Otacon cried out, grabbing Snake and dragging him back.

They had acted just in time. Whatever it was, it crashed into the side of the building, exactly where the two had been standing. And whatever it was, it had caused what looked like sticky pink taffy to spread out everywhere. Snake bravely stepped forward and stuck his finger in it. Indeed, it was sweet-smelling and incredibly sticky; had they still been standing there, they would be hopelessly trapped.

Snake fixed Otacon with the best 'WHAT THE FUCK!?' gaze he could manage. Otacon once again withered under his glare. "Uh, I was a bit drunk when I programmed most of this one." Snake's gaze did not soften. "OK, I was REALLY drunk!"

"Perfect, any other nasty surprises I should know about?" Snake asked dryly.

"Like I said, I was drunk when I did most of this one, so I don't remember everything," said Otacon. "But I do remember thinking it'd be funny to add a couple, err, supporters as backup against Wolf. And there was something utterly stupid and random I think I added just for the hell of it."

"What? Or who?" Snake demanded impatiently.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure, but...."

All of a sudden, Otacon was interrupted when a huge, musclebound guy in brown armorish covering and wearing a brown, domed helmet crashed through the side of the building and yelling "Oh yeah!" like a crazed Kool-Aid Man. "It's the Juggernaut, BITCH!"

Snake stared slack-jawed at the Juggernaut. "Alright, NOW I'm sure," Otacon said flatly.

"Whatever," Snake muttered as he readied his M16. "This guy's obviously trouble, so...." With that, he opened fire. But as devout X-Men fans know, Snake might as well have tried shooting straw wrappers at him.

"Ha! Your weapon cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? Are you a fucking ass?" asked Juggernaut as the bullets ricocheted off of him. Snake decided to try the grenade launcher, aiming for the helmet. The explosion forced Juggernaut back and his hands flew to his face. "Ahh, get that shit outta my face!" he creid out. And unfortunately, he recovered quicker than Snake expected. He charged forward and backhanded both him and Otacon, sending them flying down the alley and they crashed into a pile of garbage.

"Uhh, you never read many comics as a kid, did you?" asked Otacon delicately.

"Shut up," grumbled Snake as he got back up, seeing Juggernaut charging toward them. He then pulled out the only weapon that might make a difference: his last stun grenade. He pulled the pin and chucked it at him. The flashbang blinded and disoriented Juggernaut, letting Snake and Otacon run by him and out into the street.

"Great, he'll come after us for sure, and Wolf'll be here any minute too," said Otacon, nursing his aching sides.

"Let's worry about the immediate threat first," said Snake. "How do we deal with that ass?"

"Well, he can't be hurt with any weapons," Otacon explained as they ran across the street. Judging from the panicked screams behind them, Juggernaut must have recovered. "The only way you can really stop him is to somehow get his helmet off and hit him with a psychic attack."

The two of them ducked into another alley. "Oh, and here I forgot to read that copy of 'Telepathy 101' I had lying around," Snake said sardonically. "How the hell do we keep him off our backs long enough to deal with Wolf!?"

"Oh yeah! I put someone in who could help us with that too!" cried Otacon, suddenly remembering.

"Oh really? Like who?" demanded Snake. "Who could possibly help us with any of this!?"

A raspy voice suddenly cried out. "YOU!? You doubt my power!?"

Oh hell, Snake thought as he slowly turned around. Sure enough, Psycho Mantis was there, floating in the middle of the alley. Not Mr. S & M again. It wasn't the least bit fun for Snake, going down memory lane and seeing these tripped-out mercenaries he thought he had dealt with once and for all...even if this one was supposedly here as an ally.

"Like I said, we just find a way to get Juggernaut's helmet off, and Mantis will do the rest. Then we can worry about Wolf," said Otacon. Snake just stared dubiously at Mantis as he idly levitated himself in front of them.

"Indeed, I can help you deal with your big friend, to ensure that nothing will get in the way of my tranquilizer-addled comrade's fun," Mantis said haughtily. "Ah, I don't need my power to see that you still doubt me," Mantis added, his eyes narrowing behind his mask. "Perhaps another demonstration is in order, like before. Let me read your minds...." With that, Mantis held his hands near his head, concentrating. Suddenly, Snake saw his eyes widen behind the tinted eye pieces of his mask. "WHOA!! You've got Suikoden II!? No way!! That goes for at least 150 bucks on eBay!!"

Snake covered his face with his hand, shaking his head. "Can we just move on!?" he demanded.

"Ah, yes yes, of course," said Mantis. "First off, why don't we...." But Mantis's voice trailed off as all three of them noticed a large, round shadow looming over them, which was getting bigger.

"DUCK AND COVER!!" cried Otacon as he shoved Snake out of the way. Mantis, unfortunately, hadn't reacted as quickly, and ended up getting smothered by half a ton of sweet, strawberry-flavored taffy. "Uhh, maybe Wolf's aim wasn't as great as we all thought it was," said Otacon.

Snake and Otacon stared blankly at the taffy, under which Mantis's remains were undoubtedly splattered everywhere. "Great? Now how do we deal with that Juggernaut thing?" Snake asked, turning to Otacon.

"Someone mention my name?" came a grunting voice from behind them. Snake looked over his shoulder, seeing the Juggernaut leering down the alley.

"First of all, I suggest we run," offered Otacon. Snake didn't need any encouraging, and so the two took off down the alley, running like scared little girls. There was a dumpster further down the alley, and they had to carefully run through the narrow space provided, but Juggernaut just kept charging at them, and the dumpster was knocked aside as if it had been hit by a semi truck. Speaking of which, as Snake and Otacon ran out into the street, there was a semi truck pulling up. It stopped directly in front of the hopelessly out-of-place comic book villain. But again, Juggernaut kept charging and knocked that aside as well, as if were, well, just a cardboard box.

Enough of this crap, Snake thought. He was out of stun grenades, but he still had a few smoke grenades. He quickly fished one out and pulled the pin. He tossed it behind him, not bothering to look back. He heard the coughs and confused cries of pedestrians, and also the angry cry of "What the fuck is this shit!?" from Juggernaut, so he knew they had bought a few seconds at least.

The two of them kept running, turning the corner and heading down another street. Snake still heard panicked cries from the city's citizens behind him, but he also noticed a few frightened people running around a few blocks AHEAD of them. Snake broke out into a cold sweat again. He had a nasty feeling that someone else was causing that, and that he knew exactly WHO, though he couldn't see her or hear her.

Then, he saw something VERY out of the ordinary. A gigantic boot sticking out from between two buildings. It was as if Wolf was trying to hide herself by lying down in the middle of the street, but of course, at that size, it was ridiculously hard to do so. Snake would've laughed if it wasn't for the adrenaline rush brought on by fear.

But then, something shocked Snake out of his mind-numbing fear, a sound he didn't expect to hear here in these VR programs: the beeping of his Codec. "What, I've still got it even here?" he thought aloud, kneeling down and reaching for the side of his head as he always compulsively did whenever he got a Codec call.

---

Snake wasn't too surprised when he saw Wolf's face appear on the Codec screen. "Snake, I know you're out there. I know you're close by. You can't elude me forever," Wolf taunted in that impossibly sultry voice of hers.

"Yeah, well, it's not like you can elude ANYONE as you are now," Snake shot back, talking big to keep his spirits up. "Not when you're so big, each asscheek outweighs an elephant."

Snake didn't think that Wolf was vain enough to be insulted by a crack like that, but he saw her digitized face narrow in irritation. "I'll stay hidden long enough so I can hunt you down, Snake," she replied. "You still have no idea where I am."

"Actually, I do," said Snake calmly. "I can see your foot sticking out from between two buildings. It's right in the middle of the street."

Now Wolf's face fell flat. "What the?" she breathed. On the screen, Snake saw her look backward, and she obviously noticed where her foot was. "Ah, DAMNIT!" And with that, the connection was cut.

---

"Well, how did it go?" asked Otacon.

Snake got up, watching Wolf's foot receding from view. He glared to Otacon. "Still the same old whack-job you know and love. But Wolf was right about one thing. I doubt we can elude her forever. We'd better head for the sneaking point, and fast."

"Uhh, sneaking point?" Otacon asked nervously.

Snake's face immediately fell. "What!? Don't tell me this ISN'T a sneaking mission!"

"Well, not exactly. There's still a point we have to reach. It's just that...we actually have to knock Wolf unconscious before it'll appear," Otacon explained with a 'please don't kick my ass' look on his face. Snake was indeed tempted to see how far he could shove his foot up Otacon's ass, but loud screams coming from people running down the street. Also, a pickup truck hurling down the street like a missile reminded him he had other things to worry about.

"Great, the OTHER bitch is back," Snake muttered as the two of them started running down the street again. Eventually, they came across what looked like a large construction area with lots of equipment, including a crane with a wrecking ball. Many buildings either looked like they had been demolished or were scheduled to be. They ran onto the site, figuring it was as good a place as any to hide at the moment. And luckily for Snake, he noticed three floating, rotating boxes with weapons inside. One had an M9 handgun, another had a USP, and there was plentiful ammo for both. But Snake immediately holstered them, knowing they were useless against both Juggernaut AND Wolf. But the last one had....

"Alright, now we're talking!" Snake exclaimed as he opened the box and pulled out a stinger missile launcher. At least now, with firepower like this, he might have a chance. Or at least that's what he thought, until Otacon spoke up again.

"Uhh, Juggernaut's impervious to harm, remember? With Mantis gone, we have no way to get him out of the way," Otacon reminded him. "And against Wolf, you'll need over a dozen well-aimed stinger missiles to put her down for the count, assuming you can get close enough to her without getting spotted, and then flattened."

"Always looking for that cloud in the silver lining," said Snake. But he knew Otacon had a point, so he put launcher away for the moment...although we have no idea where, since like all video game superheroes spawned in the late 80s, he can pretty much carry an entire armory on his person somehow. "But wait a minute, didn't you say we'd also have some backup besides Mantis?" Snake asked hopefully, remembering what Otacon had mentioned earlier.

"Well, yeah, there is. But remember, I wasn't exactly thinking straight when I programmed most of this one. This...isn't the sort of support you'd expect," Otacon said evasively.

"Right now, I'll take all the help I can get," said Snake. "Who is it?" Otacon stared back at him with an awkward expression. He clearly didn't want to answer. Snake was about to ask Otacon again, but a squeaky voice from down below pretty much answered for him.

"Pika?"

No...freaking...way.... Snake thought morosely as he slowly looked down.

Sure enough, at his feet was a big yellow mouse with coal-black eyes and red spots on his cheeks, standing a barely a foot high. "Pika?" he said again.

"Otacon, please tell me this is a joke," Snake spat vehemently. "My backup support is nothing but a stupid, electric yellow rat from that stupid game!?" he asked in disbelief as he grabbed Pikachu by the back of his neck and hoisted him up in front of his face. Otacon merely shrugged, while Pikachu looked at Snake with an insulted look.

Alas, this pleasant introduction was cut short when a sharp cry rang throughout the construction site. "Ah, there you are, you little bitches! Oh, I'm gonna beat your asses, and your little pet rat's too!"

Snake and Otacon turned back to the site's entrance and saw Juggernaut standing there. "Pika pika!" cried Pikachu as he shook himself free of Snake's grip and dropped to the ground, glaring at the Juggernaut. He then unleashed a huge-ass blast of electricity at him, forcing him back slightly.

"This can't possibly harm me, are you a fucking ass!? Don't you know who I am...it must not know who I am," muttered Juggernaut. "Ahhh, I'll stomp a mudhole in your faggoty yellow ass!" he cried as he advanced on them.

Just then, Pikachu ceased his attack and put two digits in his mouth, then let out a loud whistle. Quick as a flash, what looked like a man-sized, yellow-orange dragon with a flame at the end of his long tail divebombed the Juggernaut from out of nowhere and tackled him to the ground. "The fuck is this shit?" asked a confused Juggernaut as Charizard grappled him and took to the air again, then tossed him on top of a pile of large crates.

Snake just watched blankly as Charizard landed beside Pikachu, not really sure what he should do next. As for Juggernaut, it didn't take long for him to recover. "The hell are you thinking? This can't stop me!" The two Pokemon just glared back evilly, making the Juggernaut look down. It was then that he realized he had been dropped on several crates full of explosives. Why they were left out for any insurgents to boost is anyone's guess.

Pikachu shot out more electricity and Charizard breathed a volley of flame at Juggernaut. Their attacks made the explosives go off, propelling Juggernaut straight up like a rocket, his cries of confusing steadily growing fainter and fainter. "Pika, pika pikachu!!" said Pikachu vehemently as he aimed his middle digits skyward; it wasn't too hard to guess what he was saying.

"That tends to be their way of disposing of their enemies," sighed Otacon as the two Pokemon turned back around with satisfied looks on their faces.

Snake shook his head as the four of them walked back out into the street. A quick look showed there were no cameras, so they were probably safe for the moment. Still, he had a nasty feeling she'd show herself any second and squash them flat, and only having these two Pokemon to help him did not inspire confidence at all. "Hey, you said you'd take any help you could get," Otacon reminded Snake, noticing the look on his face.

"And I'm already regretting it," Snake muttered under his breath. This program of Otacon's was just getting too mind-numbingly stupid with each passing moment. He turned to the Pokemon. "So, it's really your job to help me deal with Wolf?" he asked them dubiously. Pikachu looked up with a cheerful expression on his furry face, while Charizard merely crossed his arms. "And just how are they supposed to help me beat a giant-sized Wolf, pray tell?" Snake asked Otacon.

Otacon shrugged again. "Well, I think there was a specific way I programmed in, but I can't really remember how. Actually, come to think of it, it may have something to do with this construction site...."

As Otacon rambled on, Snake just rolled his eyes and sighed. Then he noticed that there was some shade now. Looking up, he saw that some grey clouds had blown over them; it looked like it would rain soon. At least the heat'll die down some, Snake thought, running a hand through his sweat-soaked hair. But at he continued to stare upward, he noticed something falling through the clouds. A few seconds later, he could make out a shape. Oh no, not again! he thought angrily. Aloud, he shouted, "Everyone get back!" as he pushed them back.

The Juggernaut crash-landed into the street with the force of a falling meteor, creating a crater twenty-feet wide. He slowly stood up, his body ablaze from the heat of re-entering the atmosphere. "OK you bunch of freaks, THIS IS IT!" he bellowed as he leered at the four of them. The two Pokemon were ready to lash out with their attacks again, and Snake reached for his stinger missile launcher. But before anyone could make a move, something struck the Juggernaut with incredible force, causing him to skid uncontrollably across the street, digging up the asphalt for a length of over thirty feet.

Pikachu and Charizard stared at the downed Juggernaut in bewilderment. "What...the hell...did that?" Snake asked in disbelief. Otacon simply pointed far down the street. "Uh oh, here we go," Snake muttered. About a mile down the street, in the direction opposite the way Juggernaut had been forced back, was the gigantic form of Sniper Wolf, aiming her equally huge PSG1 and looking through her scope. Though he couldn't be sure at this distance, Snake thought he could see Wolf grinning mischieviously at all of them.

For a while, Wolf merely stood there, no doubt savoring the moment as she looked upon all of them through her scope. "No one move," Snake whispered to everyone else. Wolf could easily blow them all away from her vantage point. There was no point in trying to flee.

Eventually, Wolf started to slowly make her way down the street, each of her footfalls creating a minor tremor. Panicky people ran around everywhere as she advanced on them, and cars and trucks swerved to avoid her feet. Wolf paid them no notice as she kept walking toward them. Snake's face was one of all-consuming horror as Wolf drew nearer and nearer. Pikachu and Charizard's expressions were ones of curiosity. Otacon's, predictably, was one of complete and total enrapturement.

Another few seconds, and she'll be all over us, Snake thought nervously, wondering whether or not he could whip out his stinger missile launcher before Wolf could fire off a shot. Wolf was now less than a block away.

"Alright, I don't know what's going on and I don't care, but goddamnit, I'm gonna...." Juggernaut began, having finally gotten up. "HEY! Are you even listening to me!? What the hell are...."

His voice trailed off as Wolf stepped over all of them, her footfalls now so powerful they almost lost their footing. She turned around and glared down at the Juggernaut. "Don't think for one second I'll let you interfere with my hunt," she said dangerously, leering at him. "Snake and his friends are mine, and mine alone. You had better cut out now, or things will get...ugly."

"You can't be serious! You're talking to me!?" Juggernaut shouted up at Wolf furiously. "Damnit, bitch, don't you know who I am!? I'M THE...."

But Juggernaut stopped his rant when Wolf lifted her foot and brought it down right on him, burying him deep into the concrete. "Finally, SOMEONE shut him up," Snake said as he shook his head.

But of course, anyone who could duke it out with the Hulk couldn't be downed that easily. Wolf's foot was slowly forced upward as he Juggernaut struggled to free himself. "Damnit, you got a lot to learn. You can't beat me that way! You can't hurt me at all!" he shouted.

However, Wolf merely smirked as she looked down upon him. "No, but there are other ways to deal with you." In one lightning-quick move, she scooped up the Juggernaut in her left hand. Then she twirled around a few times, and chucked Juggernaut toward the horizon.

"But I'm the Juggernaut biiiiiiiitch...." Juggernaut cried out, his voice fading away as he flew further and further across the city and out of sight.

"Well, that takes care of that problem," said Snake. "Now I just have to find a way to bring down a 100-foot tall, crazed assassin with unwavering patience and an obsession with catching hey 'prey'. Yeah, nothing to it." Snake looked back up, shuddering under the weight of the ice-cold stare Sniper Wolf sent down at him. It was enough to even distract him from how she always kept her coat partially unzipped for everyone's viewing pleasure.

After what seemed an eternity, Wolf softly uttered a single word: "Run."

"Eh?" Snake said blankly.

"You heard me, Snake. Run," she replied silkily. "You forget, I'm a hunter. There's no satisfaction in taking prey stumbled upon by accident, drawn out by some interloper. So run. I'll catch you eventually."

Snake still did not move, even though his every instinct was to run like hell. His new partners, however, felt differently. He heard Pikachu charging up an attack, and Charizard took to the air. He barreled toward the titanic huntress, howling, but Wolf dispatched him with a mere flick of her finger. He landed with a crash a few blocks away.

Snake watched as Charizard fell and vanished. He only looked up again when Wolf said, "But as for Hal, well, I have SPECIAL plans for him." Snake watched helplessly as Wolf reached down and plucked Otacon off the street, unable to do anything as he cried out in surprise. He watched as Wolf placed him snugly in her cleavage and then zipped up her shirt a little more, no doubt making it even tigther for Otacon. Snake shook his head. He doubted that was something Wolf hadn't been programmed to do.

Wolf glared back down at Snake. "Are you STILL there!? I said RUN!" She punctuated her command by slammed her boot down into the concrete again. The overpowering tremor finally coaxed Snake to turn and run, Pikachu following close behind, wailing. After running like mad for a few blocks, they turned a corner. Snake looked around, only just remembering about the cameras. Luckily, there were none.

For a moment, Snake and Pikachu stood in place, desperately trying to catch their breath. "Well, any ideas?" he asked the Pokemon. Pikachu made a gesture that might've been a shrug. Loud grunting made Snake look back up. Charizard was lumbering back toward them with a large sea turtle biting down on one talon. "I'm not even gonna ask," Snake muttered as Charizard pried the turtle off and tossed it away. It flew over a building, out of sight.

More of Wolf's thunderous footsteps, and more screams from everyone else in the simulation, goaded the three into running and hiding. They ducked behind a parked truck and watched Wolf warily trot down the street they had turned from, carefully eyeing the ground.

It was around then that Snake heard that beeping in his ear again. He ducked down and activated the Codec.

---

Snake expected it to be Wolf, calling to taunt him again. He was a bit surprised to see Otacon's face on the screen. "Snake you OK? Are you out of sight?"

"You'd be able to tell if she's found us. You're VERY close to her now," Snake replied sarcastically.

Otacon ignored the jibe, and said, "Snake, I'm certain that there's something about the construction site that'll let you beat her, though for the life of me I can't remember what. You have to lure her back there."

Snake didn't say anything for a moment. "Fine, if you're that certain. Hang in there, Otacon."

"Well, it's not like I'm GOING anywhere," said Otacon.

"No, you certainly aren't," Snake replied with a sly grin. Otacon shot him a sour look before he terminated the connection.

---

And so, Snake, with the small, yellow rat everyone knows and loves (or loves to hate) ran back to the construction site, making no attempt to evade the cameras all around the city. In fact, they PURPOSELY made sure that they were spotted; it was essential to lure her back, if Otacon was right. As for Charizard, he had simply taken to the air. He'd better be around when we need him, Snake thought.

Snake drummed his fingers on the side of his stinger missile launcher, waiting impatiently. He looked down at Pikachu, noticing the silly smile on his face. "Yeah yeah, it's all fun and games, until you get splattered underneath some giantess's shoe," he told the Pokemon. Pikachu's expression still didn't change. Snake was about to say something else, but a loud rumbling noise kept him from doing so.

"Here we go!" Snake cried out as Sniper Wolf stepped into view. As she stepped back into the construction site, Pikachu cut loose with a lightning bolt that struck her in the face, blinding her. Snake followed up by targeting her knee and firing. The missile's impact forced Wolf to sag to one knee.

So far so good. If only we knew exactly what he were supposed to do here, Snake thought. Still, his hopes were rising, but they were dashed again when Wolf started to stand back up right away, glaring down at Snake maliciously. He caught a brief glimpse of Otacon, trapped snugly in Wolf's bosom. Whether he was frightened or in total bliss, Snake couldn't tell. He had a feeling it was a mixture of both, though.

Pikachu tried firing more lightning bolts at Wolf's face, but the element of surprise was gone and they barely slowed her. She advanced on the two of them, and they split up, avoiding her foot with time to spare. Snake targeted her face and fired another missile, but Wolf shifted suddenly, and it struck her shoulder. Nevertheless, the impact fazed her, for she covered her shoulder with her hand.

Wolf turned to Snake, reaching for one of those bizarre grenades. She was about to throw it, but Pikachu let out an explosive, blinding flash that dazed Wolf for a split-second. That split-second was all Snake needed to target her knee again. Once again, the explosive impact almost knocked her off her feet. She dropped the grenade, and sticky taffy spread out all over the ground. Not only that, she accidently stepped in it. As she tried to pull her foot free, Snake used the opportunity to fire another missile, which hit her lower leg.

The rat and I actually make a good team, thought Snake as he watched Pikachu dart about, no doubt waiting for another chance to attack. But how much longer can we keep this up?

Snake noticed another box with extra missiles nearby and picked it up. Meanwhile, Pikachu dashed around Wolf's feet, firing bolt after bolt. That's it, keep her busy, Snake thought as he looked through the launcher's scope. He saw Wolf's huge face glaring with a look of annoyance down at the speedy mouse that evaded her every stomp, but then also caught a glimpse of Otacon nestled between her breasts. Can't risk targeting her face again until he's clear. Come on, where are you....

At that very instant, Charizard dove down into the construction site, right for Wolf. To cover his advance, Pikachu angle another blinding flash of lightning up at Wolf's face, and Snake followed up with a missile aimed at her elbow.

"ARRGHH!" grunted Wolf loudly, completely disoriented. For a moment, she just stood there, her eyes tightly shut. And Charizard used that opportuntity to fly up to her bosom toward Otacon. With his feet firmly planted on either breast, Charizard grabbed Otacon's hands and pulled him free on his fleshy prison. Otacon quickly mounted Charizard, and the Pokemon flew away, barely avoiding Wolf's attempt to grab them.

Snake picked up another box of stinger missiles lying around, loaded one, and while about a hundred feet away, targeted Wolf's face and fired. Pikachu kept sprinting around with blinding speed, avoiding Wolf's crushing feet and attacking with all the electricity he could muster. This kept her distracted long enough for Snake's missile to find its mark. Wolf screamed again as her hand flew to her face. She turned to Snake, glaring down at him as she stomped toward him. But just then, Charizard reentered the fray after getting Otacon to safety, flying right for Wolf's face. He unleashed his flame breath at her, causing her to turn away. She blindly raked the sky with her PSG1, but fortunately, Charizard deftly avoided getting swatted out of the sky by her giant gun.

Snake and Pikachu stood side-by-side, watching as Charizard kept Wolf occupied. He looked down at Pikachu, who nodded. Snake targeted Wolf's knee again and fired, while Pikachu cut loose with his biggest lightning bolt yet, aiming for Wolf's gut. The double-whammy easily brought Wolf to her knees again. She grunted and muttered something that was probably unprintable in Kurdistan, and Snake could tell she was ready to get back up and stomp them flat. Taking down Metal Gears was never THIS hard, Snake mused. What the hell do I have to do to keep her down?

But as Snake was wondering that, as Wolf was about to stand back up, he heard some machinery spring to life. Snake looked around, not sure where the noise was coming from. Then he saw it: sitting at the crane's controls was Otacon.

And he swung the crane so the wrecking ball smashed right into Wolf's face.

The crushing impact had Wolf fall flat on her back, making the entire construction site shake as if a volcano had erupted nearby. Both Snake and Pikachu winced. That HAD to hurt, he thought, but Wolf was grunting and swearing again, already trying to get back up. Charizard landed nearby, and Snake saw that his expression matched the frustration he felt. Just how the HELL do I....

His thoughts trailed off as he felt raindrops lightly fall on his head. Looking up, Snake noticed it was indeed starting to drizzle. He looked closely at the grey clouds, and a possibility occured to him. He looked back over to the crane, then back up at the clouds, then down at Pikachu. "Pika?" he said curiously, looking up at Snake expectantly.

"I think I finally doped out what Otacon forgot," Snake told Pikachu. More of Wolf's booming, vehement swearing made Snake look back up. Wolf had finally propped herself off the ground, and was slowly but surely getting back on her feet. "OK, listen up you two. This is how it's gonna go down...."

---

The Pokemon obeyed their new instructions; Charizard flew off and Pikachu ran for the crane, leaving Snake alone against the Kurdish titaness, who had finally gotten back on her feet. OK, she's WAAAY more dangerous looking than a Metal Gear now, Snake thought as he looked up at the scowl that had formed on Wolf's beautiful face. At least she's easier on the eyes than those mechanical terrors.

Wolf moved forward, reachng down to grab Snake. But Snake rolled to the side and targeted her knee yet again. Just as the missile impacted her knee, Charizard flew down again and breathed a wide volley of flame, blinding Wolf and singing some of her hair. Wolf sagged yet again, and Snake followed up with another missile, simply aiming blindly at not bothering to target anything. The missile smacked into Wolf's side, eliciting another hiss from her. It was important to keep her distracted just a little bit longer....

It didn't take long for Wolf to stand up again, ignoring how Snake kept pelting her with stinger missiles. But just as Wolf was about to rush at Snake, Charizard zoomed in; he had used his talons to cut off the wrecking ball and was now holding the end of the cable. Snake fired another stinger missile into Wolf's face, and that bought Charizard enough time to do what he had to do. He circled Wolf three times, wrapping the metal cable around her torso. Once that was done, he flew clear of Wolf, not wanting to stick around for what was coming next.

"What do you hope to accomplish with this!?" Wolf's sultry voice thundered as she struggled. Snake glanced over at the crane, spotting Pikachu standing on top of it. Snake knew Pikachu only had seconds to do the deed, for Wolf would snap the cable in no time. He squinted to get a better look. Pikachu indeed seem to be concentrating hard, and sparks were emanating from his cheeks.

"Come on, do it, do it," muttered Snake. "Just give that crane enough of a positive charge, so...."

And then, it happened. A huge bolt of lightning lanced downward from the storm clouds and struck the crane. The countless amperes of electrical energy travelled up the crane and through the cable...and right into Wolf.

"AAAAAHH!!!!" screamed the giant assassin as the electrical shock overwhelmed her. Maybe it was Snake's imagination, but he swore he saw Wolf's skeleton once or twice. But as quickly as it had begun, it was over. Wolf's hair was standing comically on end and steam was rising from everywhere on her body. Then, without another word, she fell backward, crushing the crane underneath her weight and creating the hugest tremor yet.

Snake slowly rose after getting knocked off his feet, brushing off some dirt and wiping rainwater off his face. He stared at the downed Wolf, amazed that his crazy hunch was right on the money, and even more amazed that his plan actually worked.

"Pika pika pika!" came the cries of a certain yellow mouse. Snake glanced down to see Pikachu looking up happily at him, looking quite pleased with himself. Charizard landed nearby, and Otacon walked up a second later.

"Well, I was right about the construction site, wasn't I?" Otacon offered weakly. Snake just glared at Otacon, then noticed the self-satisfied looks of the two Pokemon. Snake shook his head. Now that the thrill of combat was abating, the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing was sinking in.

"Whatever. Can we just go now?" Snake asked impatiently. Now that Wolf was finally out cold and flat on her ass, he saw no reason to stick around, not when they could supposedly move on to the next scenario.

"Oh, oh yeah. The exit point has just appeared, right over there," said Otacon, pointing back toward Wolf. Sure enough, near her gigantic, unmoving hand, a floating, upside-down red pyramid had appeared out of nowhere.

"Let's go then," said Snake, heading for the exit point without preamble. But a loud cry of "Pika!" from behind him made Snake turn back around. Both Pikachu and Charizard were waving goodbye, and Pikachu still had that goofy, happy-go-lucky expression on his face. Oh please, it's like that fight didn't freak him out in the least!! Snake thought disbelievingly. Not being weirded out after fighting a 100-foot tall Sniper Wolf trying to crush you to death was like not being weirded out by Revolver Ocelot dancing to a Michael Jackson album in a speedo.

Otacon seemed to know what Snake was thinking. "Hey, let's face it, they were pretty useful. Hell, they were ESSENTIAL. Too bad you can't have allies like that in the field, and too bad they won't be around in any other scenarios."

"A mixed blessing," said Snake, unable to stand looking at that overly happy face of Pikachu's any longer. He headed for the exit point again. Fighting side-by-side with Pokemon was just too out there for him. But despite himself, he found himself wishing he'd have support that talented in the rest of Otacon's scenarios.

It wouldn't make the rest of this messed-up adventure any less disturbing, though.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 5: They Will Never Take Our Stupidity!
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

When the tingling subsided, Snake still couldn't see well, but he felt himself hit the ground hard, a surface that felt gravelly. He also felt warm sunlight wash over him. Snake listened attentively for clues as to where they had ended up, but all he heard was a light breeze and leaves rustling high overhead. "Here we go again. Otacon, any idea what's in store for us this time?"

"Uh, yeah, I do. And this one's going to be a lot different," Otacon said tentatively.

"Any differences between them don't really matter when all these scenarios involve Godzilla-sized women that have it out for us," Snake shot back.

"Well, for starters, why don't you look up?" Otacon suggested.

Since his vision had finally come back into focus, he did just that. And the sight that greeted him made him sick to his stomach. Looming high above him was what looked like a gigantic flower. A quick glance around him revealed that they were surrounded by dozen of gigantic flowers. "Damnit Otacon, not again!!" Snake shouted. Needless to say, that little voice in his head that kept saying Must kill Otacon suddenly got a helluva lot louder.

"Keep it down!" Otacon hissed. "Yeah, we're about an inch tall again, and in the middle of a flower garden, and I don't think I need to remind you that if the giantess in question finds us, it's game over!"

"And who is it THIS time?" Snake demanded. He couldn't think of any other women from his previous missions that Otacon hadn't used yet. Except perhaps.... "Oh God, Otacon, I swear, if it's Naomi Hunter, I'll...." Snake began, but the sound that he'd become all too familiar with - the booming footfalls of an approaching titanic, psychotic girl - shut him up pronto.

"Hide. Now," was all Otacon said, pulling Snake down to the ground and using a fallen leaf to conceal them. The thunderous footsteps got louder and louder, and soon, Snake could feel the loose dirt jiggling underneath him. And judging from the shiver going down his spine, Snake knew that whoever she was, she was right on top of them. A booming thud right next to them simply confirmed it. Steeling himself, Snake peeked out from under the leaf and looked up.

An undeniably cute, black-haired girl with glasses towered high above them, seemingly over a hundred feet above them, even though she was on her knees...a fact that made Snake queasy all over again. One knee had come down dangerously close to their leaf, making Snake shudder. Whoever this girl was, she wore a pair of black shorts and a red T-shirt, and had some of her hair done up in a bun with a pencil through it. Snake noticed the sad smile on her face as she tended to some of the flowers, her hands coming periliously close to them at one point. "OK, just who is that?" Snake asked as he crawled back under the leaf. "Some ex-girlfriend of yours?"

"Uh, not exactly," said Otacon weakly. "She's my...stepsister. Emma Emmerich," he finally admitted.

Snake stared at him. "Your stepsister!?"

"Yeah, during the time we lived together we were very close, but...I haven't seen her in almost ten years. I had to do some digging to find out what she looks like now...." Otacon explained, but Snake wasn't listening. Horrifying visions of some creepy, incestuous love affair had popped into his head; whatever the deal was with Otacon's stepsister, Snake felt he was better off not knowing.

Snake shook his head. "Otacon, just when I think you can't get any more demented," he said. He poked his head out again; sure enough, Emma was still looming over them as she tended the garden. "Look, I don't care what the deal with your stepsister is, just tell me what we need to do to get to the next program."

"OK, we have to take her down to," said Otacon matter-of-factly.

Snake felt the blood drain from his face as he looked back up at Emma. Sure, this girl was cute and had an air of gentleness...but so did the Mei Ling in this program, and she put them through the dance session from hell. And though she wasn't some neurotic huntress like Sniper Wolf, taking her down would hardly be any easier, especially without any Pokemon to help this time. I miss the rat already, he thought to himself. Aloud, he said, "And how the hell do I do that? I doubt I have enough stingers left to do the job."

"You're right, you don't. You'll need help again, and we have to go find it." At this point, Otacon had poked his head out too, and watched Emma warily as she finally turned her head away. "Now's our chance to move. Let's go." Snake needed no urging. He promptly threw off their leaf and bolted through the array of flowers, occasionally looking back to see if Emma had spotted them. Thankfully, whenever he caught a glimpse of her through the flowers overhead, she was still facing away from them. Oh, and no big question mark had appeared over her head. That's always a good sign.

Once Otacon felt they were far enough away, they both stopped. "Alright, you mentioned having to find help this time," Snake said after finally catching his breath. "Just who the hell is supposed to give us a hand against your stepsister?"

As if to answer his question, he heard grass rustling behind him. Snake instinctively drew the USP he picked up earlier and whirled around. From behind the blades of grass, several odd creatures even smaller than the two of them stared back. Whatever they were, their eyes were a solid coal-black and they had long, elfin ears. They wore pointed red caps and some sort of robes that looked as if they were made of grass blades and leaves. They timidly receded back among the plants, and Snake merely let them, too confused to really do anything. "Who the hell are they?" Snake asked, keeping his gun drawn.

"Uh, they're called the Minish. They're from one of the Zelda games," Otacon replied sheepishly.

Snake slapped his forehead. "Great, MORE crap from Nintendo games!? What next, we stumble upon a fire flower or something!?" he shouted exasperatedly. Or hopefully one of those magic mushrooms, PLEASE, he silently added.

"Uh, no, sorry. Good idea though," said Otacon regretfully. "No, actually, I got the idea for throwing them in this because, well, I thought Minish Cap was the biggest waste of potential for giantess action in a game EVER. I mean, it wouldn't've been too much to expect a secret level in Malon's panty drawer but noooo...."

"Otacon, you're about three seconds away from finding yourself in a chokehold," snapped Snake. "If you wanna talk about your unholy love of Godzilla-sized girls, do it with someone who cares. Just tell me what the deal is with those Minish things and how they're supposed to help!"

"Oh uh, sure, r-right," stammered Otacon, shaken by Snake's threat. "Well, the whole thing with the Minish is, well...I-I was planning on using something similar to that in another s-simulation. Basically, it's meant to train you to do something once done by your...father." It was obvious it took every ounce of courage to say that last word.

"What about Big Boss?" demanded Snake.

"I dug deep into the Pentagon's system, and found quite a bit of dirt. Turns out Big Boss was into the Metal Gear-busting business too," said Otacon. "And to do it, once he spent several months leading an insurrection in a rogue nation. The idea here is to do what Big Boss did then: procure allies on-site."

Snake stared blankly at Otacon once again. "So I have to recruit a bunch of microscopic Oompa-Loompas to do my dirty work?" he asked incredulously. "How?"

"Uh, capture them any way you can. Then try to coax them into joining your side," explained Otacon. "It shouldn't be too hard to convince them."

Snake was about to ask why, but some faint screams and Emma saying, "Don't be afraid, let's have some fun!" made him look up. Through the tops of flowers, Snake could see Emma juggling several Minish. He couldn't make out the Minish's faces, but he'd bet his bandana they had looks of sheer terror.

"OK, you're right about that," said Snake. "But I still don't see HOW they can help. These little turds don't look like they could mash a flea."

"Well, there are...weapons lying around to find. Like you said, 'more crap from Nintendo games', and I think I see one now," said Otacon. Snake turned to see what he was talking about, and saw Otacon walk up to a blue treasure chest that was lying among the flowers. They opened the lid, revealing what looked like a big vase with a pair of wing attached to the lip. "The...hell does this thing do?" Snake asked as he examined it curiously.

"Oh, that's the gust jar," explained Otacon. "Basically, it sucks in and blows out...." But as he was explaining, Snake accidently flipped a switch on of the handles, making it kick in and causing it to suck in air...and Otacon's face.

Otacon flailed his arms uselessly as Snake panicked, trying to pull the jar off of him, but it stuck to his face like glue. Finally, Snake tried looking for the switch he had hit before, and luckily for both of them he found it. Otacon was blasted back as the air rushed out of the jar. He quickly stood up and brushed himself off, perhaps oblivious to the fact that one of his eyeballs was pulled loose from its socket. "What?" asked Otacon when he noticed Snake's bemused stare.

"Nothing," Snake said quickly, dropping the gust jar. But this caused it to activate again, and an acorn was now stuck in the opening thanks to its sucking power. "Oh, damn," Snake muttered as he picked it up and hit the release switch. Unfortunately, he wasn't bothering to aim it and the acorn was launched high above the garden.

Exactly three seconds later, the resounding cry of "OWW!!!" shrilled in Snake and Otacon's ears, and for exactly three more seconds, they stood in place with blank looks of horror on their faces. Only the quaking ground and the muttering of "I think it came from over here," snapped them out of it.

"Let's MOVE!" cried Snake as he bolted forward and grabbed Otacon (and also taking the opportunity to unceremoniously shove Otacon's eyeball back in) . The quaking grew louder, and ever closer, and when Snake looked behind him, he saw Emma pushing back flowers, her huge face looking over them like a billboard.

At first, it didn't seem like Emma spotted them, but the appearance of a giant red exclamation point above her head proved otherwise. The next thing Snake saw was Emma's huge hand coming toward them like a missile. As one would expect, this goaded Snake into running even faster. Soon he dived into the relative safety of a thick patch of pansies, but Otacon had stumbled and fell flat on his face a few inches short of his goal. And before he knew it, Emma had her fingertips pinned against her stepbrother's sides. Snake could only watch helplessly from his hiding spot as Emma lifted Otacon up to her face, fixing a cold stare at him.

"Well well well, I expected to find another mischievious Minish, but I find a worthless stepbrother instead," Emma said coldly, her thunderous voice being heard easily by Snake. "It's been a LONG time, Hal. Afraid to face me again?"

"Even HE'D be afraid to face a girl that big and that pissy," Snake muttered. Emma just sat there silently with Otacon dangling between her fingertips, perhaps waiting for him to say something. Eventually he must've, but whatever he said must've only made Emma angrier; her face twisted into a bone-chilling scowl.

"Oh, so you're sorry? So that's it, everything supposed to be OK now? Fine, I forgive you. So how about a big hug for your stepsister?" The next thing Snake saw was Emma sandwiching Otacon between her arms and her breast, and began to mercilessly squeeze him tightly. This time, Snake could hear him clearly. His blood-curdling scream of agony punctuated how his eyeball popped loose from its socket a second time.

"Brrr, gross," sighed Snake, shaking his head. Looking back up, he saw Emma glaring down at Otacon, still held captive between her arm and breast, looking as if she was trying to decide what to do with him next. "Please, not in the cleavage again."

Evidently, Emma had different plans. Emma lifted Otacon over her head, and, to Snake's surprise, stuffed him into her hair bun. Snake swore he could see a few Minish trapped in her hair bun too. With that, Emma stood up and walked away, her quaking footsteps slowly becoming fainter and fainter.

"Great, gotta go rescue the geek AGAIN," spat Snake as he stpped out from the pansies. He was about to call Otacon via Codec, but then remembered that he had already told him exactly what had to be done. Snake glanced around, noticing several Minish among the flower stems, each backing away upon noticing they'd been spotted. "This may take a while," he muttered under his breath.

---

A lone Minish walked among the flowers, humming a little tune to himself, until he noticed something odd on the ground. A question mark appeared over his head as he bent down to look at it. It was some sort of thin book. Curiously, he picked it up and flipped through it. "Ugh, how'd this get here? What's with the human's constant need to always see females without any clothes...."

But the Minish was cut off when Snake crept up behind him, put him into a chokehold and held a knife up to his throat. "OK, I want information," he hissed in the Minish's ear.

"While in the airship, if you hold B and hit the A button 55 times, you'll access a hidden puzzle game," said the Minish. Snake let out a sigh, then slammed the Minish hard into the dirt.

(AN: OK, at this point everyone's either thinking 'But only children can see the Minish!' and 'You need the Jabber Nut to understand their language!' To that I can only say this: bite me. This chapter was hard enough to put together as is, so shut it.)

---

A few minutes later, another Minish was absentmindedly strolling through the flower garden without a care in the world. That is, until his foot got caught in a snare made of some hastily-woven rope. He dangled helplessly from the leaf of a flower, screaming for help, until he felt the cold barrel of a handgun press againt his head. "Alright, you. Talk," demanded a gravelly voice.

"At the title screen, hit Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A and Start!" cried the Minish. Snake shook his head, then hit the Minish in the back of the head with his gun.

---

Next, we see yet another Minish, this one a female with a pink cap. But instead of walking aimlessly through the garden, this one was sitting idly upon the leaf of a rosebush, just admiring what a beautiful day it was. Admiring it so much, she didn't notice the acorns that flew like missiles past her.

Feh, isn't that funny? Our beloved antihero can use a sniper rifle to wing rats and ravens from 300 feet away, but nailing a Minish with acorns using a gust jar? No chance.

Or is there? At long last, Snake scored a direct hit, knocking the Minish off her perch. Soon after she hit the ground hard, Snake was upon her, putting her in a chokehold. "I'm in no mood for games, I want information and I want it now!" he growled.

"I hear its amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari Kiri Rock. I need scissors! 61!" cried the Minish in desperation. Snake hung his head in defeat, then bludgeoned her with the gust jar.

---

Underneath another rosebush, a bunch of Minish were relaxing, listening to some tunes being pumped out by an iPod lying in the dirt. But the happy gathering were suddenly broken up when a bunch of smoke grenades were tossed at them, spewing opaque gas everywhere. This disoriented them for a few seconds, and as the smoke began to clear, our reluctant insurrectionist moved on in and started picking them off with tranquilizer darts.

"Gotcha!" he exclaimed as he downed one Minish, and cried "You're mine!" as he shot another one. Most of the Minish there were drooling in their sleep by now, but one had gotten away. Unfortunately for him, he decided to taunt Snake by shaking his butt and slapping it. Snake, naturally, shot him in the ass with a dart and he keeled over instantly.

---

The Codec screen appeared and Snake's called Otacon's frequency. When Otacon's face appeared, he looked as if he'd just been through a warzone. "Hey Otacon, how's it hanging?" Snake asked wryly.

"Cute, Snake. Real cute," Otacon replied dryly.

"Look, Otacon, in all seriousness, I need information now," Snake said. "Is there any specific way to beat your stepsister? Does she have any weaknesses?"

"Weaknesses?" repeated Otacon, obviously searching his memory. "Yeah, there's one big thing, and...oh, that's right! There IS a way to take advantage of that! But in order to do so, you'll have to recruit lots and lots of Minish."

"I don't think that'll be a problem," said Snake.

"What? You mean you've gathered together a bunch of Minish already?" asked Otacon.

On the Codec screen, Snake could be seen looking behind him. "You could say that."

---

Snake walked stealthily through the blades of grass, approaching his goal. Of course, there was no real need, since his target was unlikely to spot him at this size. Still, it never hurt to be careful. Soon he came across a dandelion, and decided to climb up it to get a better look.

Snake saw Emma lying on her back near the base of a tree. Even though he was still a few feet away (a good few hundred feet from his perspective) she still looked absolutely ginormous to him, her body strecthing out seemingly forever. Snake then saw Emma lift one leg without bending her knee until her foot pointed straight up into the sky. Her socks and sneakers were off, he noticed. Emma then let it down and did the same her other leg, as if doing leg exercises. All the while, she was giggling uncontrollably like a little schoolgirl.

It was then that Snake thought he saw something moving between her toes. Curious, Snake took out his binoculars to get a better look. As he zoomed in, he spotted Otacon and three other Minish wedged between her huge toes. The Minish looked as if they were about to have heart attacks, while Otacon looked about ready to hurl. Snake shivered, not wanting to think about how incredibly freaky it would be to be stuck between that girl's toes and moved around at such sickening speeds. Of course, that messed-up little techno-nerd probably found being at his stepsister's mercy more exciting than freaky.

"Getting Otacon to safety's gonna be harder than I thought," Snake grumbled as he slid down the dandelion. "OK, people, let's go over this one more time," he said as he turned around to face his allies.

Nearly a hundred Minish were waiting behind him, wielding stuff like bombs, boomerangs, gusts jars, Canes of Pacci and Somaria, and other random crap from the Zelda games. And is if to demonstrate their readiness to fight to the death, all their faces were painted in varying patterns with blue dye. The aged Minish that was probably seen as their leader turned and shouted something to all of them in their native language, raising his staff high. After he was done, the other Minish rose to the rallying cry, raising their tiny, squeaky voices.

"Yeah, whatever," Snake muttered under his breath. But Emma's booming voice soon overpowered the cries of his Minish army. At first, Snake feared that they'd been found out, but then he heard Emma say, "OK, Otacon, would you like to test my new project? I've been working to perfect the latest A.I. I've developed, for armored units. Knowing you, you should be happy to try it out."

Snake quickly climbed back up the dandelion to see what was going on. Emma had stood up, towering over Otacon and the Minish she had set back on solid ground. And Snake shuddered when he saw what she was holding: what looked like a scale model of the original Metal Gear, which to them was as big as the real thing. She set it down near the group, and activated almost immediately, stomping after Otacon and the Minish while firing its machine guns and missiles and whatnot.

"Crap, this makes things even worse!" cried Snake as he slid down the dandelion again. "OK, troops, we move out now!" he exclaimed, addressing the Minish.

"Right!" squeaked one Minish. "Demolition teams, start digging!" With that, he and several other Minish wearing mole mitts began to furiously dig, making tunnels that would encircle the spot where Emma was standing. It was now the job of Snake and the rest of the army to rescue the hostages and keep Emma busy so they could do what they had to do.

"Alright, now we move out. We've got to give our demolition teams enough time to carry out their part of the plan," said Snake. "Alpha Team, with me. All other teams, move out and surround the target." With that, Snake drew his M16 and charged through the grass, his handpicked team of Minish following close behind.

The grass only extended so far, and soon they came upon the open area in which Emma was standing. Snake looked up at the cute, giant engineer, and she was staring down at the group that was hauling ass away from the minituare Metal Gear as fast as their tiny little legs could carry them. They all ran in a circle around Emma, and soon they were all about to make another pass around where Snake's team stood, concealed by the grass. "When the Metal Gear is about to pass us, we make our move. Aim for the legs in this order...." he whispered to his partners.

And indeed, just as Otacon and the other Minish ran for dear life past them, Snake jumped out from the grass and fired a grenade right into Metal Gear's right leg. Its metal joints screeched in protest, and the rest of the Minish strike team followed Snake's cue, chucking bombs at its legs in the exact same order that Dr. Petrovich Madnar had told Snake eleven years ago. Metal Gear could hardly fire off any shots at Snake's team before its legs gave way and it exploded in a display of flashy 8-bit pyrotechnics and sound effects.

"Hey, that was mine, you little worms! Weeks of work down the drain thanks to you!" bellowed Emma from high above them, making Snake look up. Emma was glaring down at them, and he knew the weight of her cold stare was unnerving his Minish partners.

"Get ready," Snake whispered to his group, certain that Emma would either try to grab them or stomp on them. And indeed, she began to reach down with an outstretched hand. Snake aimed his assault rifle up at her, but instead of reaching for him, Emma went and grabbed Otacon.

"Oh no. You're not getting my stepbrother back so easily," Emma beamed down at Snake as she dangled the writhing, screaming Otacon high above the ground. She then stuffed Otacon back into her hair bun. "Try getting him back now, Snakey!" she gloated as she took a step toward them.

Great, this complicates matters, especially since we're working with a ticking clock, Snake thought as he loaded another grenade. Just one or two more steps, and she'll be all over us....

But just before Emma would've been upon them, Snake heard the faint, squeaky cry of "Team Bravo, open fire!" All of a sudden, a whole shitstorm of acorns and little arrows shot up at Emma's head, taking her completely by surprise. The fact that Emma was wearing glasses was probably the only thing that kept her from losing an eye.

"Ow! Hey! Quit it!" she cried out angrily, raising her arms to shield her face. Eventually, though, Emma regathered her wits and turned away from Snake's group, going for the second team of Minish.

Snake saw Emma slam her bare foot down hard, making the ground shake and filling the air with a deafening boom. However, it looked like all the Minish had scattered to avoid getting flattened. And before she could go after any of them, Snake another squeaky voice yell, "Teams Charlie and Delta, attack!" And with that, another deluge of arrows shot up at Emma, along with blasts that were obviously from fire rods and ice rods.

Once again, Emma was caught by surprise, reflexively raising her arms to protect her face. But even that did her little good, for other teams of Minish were tossing bombs near her feet, along with blocks made by Canes of Somaria, which promptly exploded and let out fireballs.

"OUCH!! KNOCK IT OFF!!" thundered Emma as she hopped around in place to keep her feet from getting scorched, making the ground quake again in the process. Snake's team then joined the fray. His Minish partners tossed bombs and fired rocks using gust jars, and Snake readied a stinger missile and fired it at her knee. "YEEOWWW!!!" she screeched as the missile exploded, her hand reaching to nurse her knee. She then glared down evilly at Snake again, her teeth gritted. "That's it, you little pest!" she screamed as she raised one foot.

But before she could stomp on him, arrows and magic blasts from another Minish team caught her unawares, almost making her lose her balance. Emma turned to go after that team of Minish, but then, another team chucked foots at her feet.

Snake watched as the Minish teams worked in tandem. When Emma turned to go after the team that just attacked her, another team would cover them and distract her. In that way, they were keeping her occupied long enough for their plan to succeed...or give Snake a chance to rescue Otacon.

Snake sighed as he looked up and ran toward Emma's towering form, his heart hammering faster and faster as he got closer. As he drew nearer, he looked back down on the ground and saw what he had hoped to find: a small hole in the dirt which he could easily fit in. "Here's hoping this stupid thing works," Snake said as he pulled a yellow cane out of nowhere, which Zelda fans would recognize as the Cane of Pacci.

He aimed the cane at the hole and a dazzling blast out energy shot out at it; magic energy was now swirling within the hole. Snake looked back up at Emma, still being miraculously held at bay by the Minish strike teams, but coming dangerously close to stomping on him...which is what he wanted. Muttering a silent prayer, Snake jumped into the hole.

Within the hole, Snake spun around and around so fast, he thought he was going to be sick. But eventually, he was propelled out of the hole and rocketed upward, soaring higher and higher. "Why is it always me who has to go through this SHIT!?" he screamed as he ascended aside Emma's body. Soon, he'd reach her head. Snake had hoped to grab onto her hair once he reached her head, but just then, another attack from a Minish team made her head jerk around suddenly, and Snake's hands grasped at nothing but thin air.

"CRAAAAAAAAP!!!" Snake cried as he continued flying up. However, after rising a foot or so above Emma's head, he came to a stop and began plummetting. Looking down, he saw Emma's hair bun, with Otacon still hopelessly trapped within it. Snake desperately tried to swerve his body around as he fell, hoping to get close enough to....

Got it! he thought with relief as he grabbed hold of the eraser end of one of the pencils going through Emma's hair bun. And miraculously, Emma didn't seem to notice at all, still distracted by the Minish teams. "Whew!" Snake breathed as he carefully crawled along the pencil, inching closer and closer to her hair bun. Soon enough, he reached Otacon and managed to pull him free.

"Sounds like they're really having at her," said Otacon quietly, so his stepsister wouldn't hear. "Told you they'd be easily convinced."

"Yeah yeah, sure, let's just move," Snake growled.

"Uh, but how are we gonna get...." Otacon started to say, but his words trailed of when Snake grabbed him and jumped off Emma's head with him.

"Hang on to me," Snake said, once again pulling something from the Zelda games out of thin air. This time, it was the Deku leaf from Wind Waker, and with it, the two of them floated gently down to the ground, a safe distance from Emma. "Can't believe we actually survived," Snake said. "Now much time do we have left?" he added, checking his watch.

He saw there was little time left.

"SHIT!" he exclaimed as he pulled out his stinger missile launcher and armed it. This time, he took aim straight at Emma's face, and the target's lock was set. He fired the missile, and screamed "ALL TEAMS, PULL OUT!!" as loudly as he could. The missile smashed into Emma's glasses, shattering a lens and making her scream in agony. Her hands flew to her injured face. She was completely disoriented and wouldn't be going anywhere, which is exactly what Snake was counting on.

"Move it, Hal. MOVE!!" Snake screamed as he ran like hell away from Emma. It was essential to much as much distance between them as possible...since the Minish teams that had been digging had set remote-detonated bombs underground in a ring that encircled Emma. The idea was to keep Emma busy long enough for the demolition teams to plant their bombs, and at a set time....

BOMB!

All the bombs were remotely set off at once, while Emma was still within the ring. The explosions caused the ground around her to cave away, and she plummetted down into the gaping hole the bombs created.

Snake and Otacon hung for dear life onto roots from some grass that stuck out from where the ground had caved away. They looked down at Emma, who had fallen right into the middle of a fairy fountain. A rather deep fairy fountain. And as anyone who's played through Metal Gear Solid 2 knows, Emma has a severe case of hydrophobia. As Otacon expected, Emma immediately panicked and began to slowly sink into the fairy fountain, paralyzed by fear. Snake and Otacon saw bubbles rise to the water's surface for a few moments, but soon no more came.

"I guess it's over," Snake said with a tone of finality. Otacon said nothing. Snake looked over to him, and saw that he kept staring down at the water, his face one of self-loathing. Snake decided it was best not to ask and simply climbed up the root, hoping Otacon would get the hint and do the same.

Eventually, he did, and when they both made it back onto solid ground, they were greeted by the sight of dozens of cheering Minish...and the exit point for this simulation.

"No use hanging around here for the celebration. Let's go," said Otacon in a neutral tone.

"Otacon, any idea how many more scenarios we've got left?" Snake asked.

"Uhh, lemme think," said Otacon, racking his brains. "Umm, there should only be two more, I think," he finally said.

Two more, Snake repeated in his head as they stepped into the exit point. Any chance I'll actually survive two more of these? Somehow I doubt it....

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 6: Dare To Be Stupid
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

---

Please, don't put us through any more Honey I Shrunk The Kids-ish crap, Snake thought vehemently as that annoying tingling slowly started to fade away. But when Snake opened his eyes and things slowly came into focus, he realized once again how much fate loves to screw him over. "Damnit, AGAIN!?" he screamed. Yet again, he was standing in front of what could only be the stems of gigantic flowers.

"Uh, yeah," said Otacon tentatively. "And if I'm right - and for once I sincerely hope I'm not - we're in for the toughest one yet."

Snake didn't really hear him; after all, EVERY scenario so far had been a guided tour of depraved insanity and had no doubt this one would be no different. "ANOTHER flower garden?" he asked. A horrible thought came to him. "Oh no, don't tell me we gotta go through that thing with your stepsister AGAIN! This program isn't repeating itself or anything, is it!?"

"No. This is an entirely different place. Look up and you'll see," said Otacon. Snake did just that, and noticed that these flowers were a lot taller, and were all of the same kind, with white petals.

"So, if it's not your stepsister again, who is it this time?" he demanded, watching how the tall, white flowers waved in the breeze. For some strange reason, it gave him a chilling sense of foreboding doom.

"Oh, no one special," said Otacon with a sardonic air. "Just the deadliest, fiercest and most skilled female soldier in the history of mankind."

Snake racked his brains, trying to think of just who that could be. Joan of Arc immediately sprung to mind, but Snake had a feeling that it still had something to do with past missions. But he'd already seen Sniper Wolf and all his ex-partners, so who else could it be?

As Snake pondered all this, he still listened attentively for the telltale signs of an approaching giantess, namely loud rumbling and the dirt shaking. After a while, though, he heard none of that, but a loud rustling snapped him out of his thoughts. Someone was obviously crawling through the flowers as quietly as possible. But from their vantage point, it was as loud as an approaching helicopter.

Snake pulled his stinger missile launcher out of nowhere and readied it, fearing the worst. He had no idea what towering menace would show herself this time, but he knew whoever she was, she meant a Godzilla-sized helping of trouble. He looked toward where he thought the rustling noise was coming from; at his size, it was hard to tell exactly. And then he saw it: a pair of huge eyes staring through the endless field of giant flowers, searching the ground carefully. Snake and Otacon ran aside and ducked behind a flower stem, and after a few seconds they peeked out from behind it.

A few feet away, they could make out a huge face high up, through the flowers. From what Snake could make out, she had long, wavy blond hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail. She looked to be about middle-age, and had a stern, impassionate look on her face, and yet, like Emma, gave off an aura of quiet sadness. It looked as if she was wearing some silvery-white, form-fitting combat suit, and Snake couldn't help but notice that the front was unzipped Sniper Wolf-style...and her, ahem, 'assets' were dangling quite tantalizingly high above. So much so, Snake almost didn't notice what she was carrying: a Patriot, which she dragged along the ground, perilously close to them.

Snake ducked back behind his flower as she crawled by, since he knew she must be searching carefully for him, whoever she was. "OK, Otacon, just who the hell is THAT?" he demanded, keeping quiet but still keeping his voice stern.

"Uh, like I said, the toughest female soldier in history...The Boss," replied Otacon.

"The Boss?" said Snake as it suddenly dawned on him. "You mean, the legendary soldier that my...that Big Boss defeated on that secret mission in the Soviet Union?"

"And thus earned his title, yes," said Snake. "There was more to it than that, though. The Boss was also Big Boss's mentor, and he quite possibly loved her. That could be one reason why he went insane in his later years, being ordered to kill the woman he loved, an American hero...."

"American hero?" repeated Snake. "But she defected to the Soviet Union, didn't she? She turned against America, just like how Big Boss later turned on the entire world, right?"

"Actually, no. I've been doing quite a lot of digging lately, and...well, there was more to it than that," said Otacon. "I mean, c'mon, when dealing with ANYTHING involving Metal Gear, you can't take ANYTHING at face value."

"All too true," said Snake, shaking his head. He peeked around the flower again, and saw the Boss's gigantic boots slide by. "Ugh, you just HAD to throw in a giant-sized version of America's toughest femme fatale, didn't you!?"

"Hey, I TOLD you I admired women who are tough and smart and take shit from no one, and let's face it, NO ONE was ever bigger in that department than her!" said Otacon defensively.

"Do you HAVE to use the word 'bigger'!?" spat Snake vehemently. A loud shifting noise made him look back up. The Boss had risen to a kneeling position high above the flowers, as if daring Snake to try and attack her. From their perspective, she was still at least a hundred feet away, but she still seemed to loom menacingly over them; her aura of total badassery was a palpable thing. Snake involunarily shuddered. How was he supposed to win THIS time?

Otacon suddenly spoke up. "Oh, this isn't really important, but she just might be Revolver Ocelot's mother, too."

Snake looked over at Otacon, then back up at the Boss as she continued to crawl around. "Is that so?" Snake asked rhetorically with a grin, readying his launcher. Hearing that last sentence changed everything. Suddenly, he wished this really WAS the Boss, just so he could personally punish her for the unforgivable crime of popping out that triple-crossing Russian cowboy freak. He looked through the scope and targeted her head. "Eat this, BITCH!" he cried, then fired.

The stinger rocketed up through the flowers, right up to the Boss's face. It struck the side of her head, barely missing her eye. The impact jarred her and she cried out in pain; however, all it really did was leave a nasty burn mark. She immediately stood up, aimed her Patriot down at where the missile came from and let it rip, peppering the ground with bullets.

Dirt, gravel, grass, twigs and leaves flew about everywhere as Snake and Otacon ran for dear life to avoid the deadly shitstorm of lead. "Nice going, Snake!!" screamed Otacon, his voice barely audible over the defeaning gunfire. Snake ignored him and armed another missile, stopping just long enough to target the Boss's face again and fire. But it exploded due to the hail of bullets before it even rose above the flowers.

"CRAAAP!" screamed Snake as the bullets continued to rain down. Even worse, the Boss idn't seem to have to reload at all, so she could pretty much keep raining death down upon them to her heart's content.

Eventually, though, the gunfire finally ceased. Snake and Otacon sagged against a rock, surveying the torn-up ground and mangled flowers. "It's a miracle we survived," said Otacon breathlessly.

Snake didn't say anything. Something didn't feel right. He couldn't see the Boss's massive form looming over them anymore. Of course, since the flowers in this field were a lot taller, she'd be a little harder to spot than Emma was, should she be standing far enough away. Still, she could also be crawling through the flowers again, meaning she could be just about anywhere. Snake told Otacon to keep still and listened attentively, a nagging fear creeping over him.

A fear that was realized when he suddenly was able to make out a pair of gigantic eyes peering through the flower stems. Panicking, Snake tried to arm another missile, but it was too late. The Boss's huge face shot toward them like an oncoming train, and her free hand came for them a microsecond later. Both of them were now vainly squirming in her closed fist as the Boss leered down at them. She stood up as she kept silently glaring at her captive quarry, and one look into those menacing eyes was all Snake needed to realize they were done for.

"Oh, and I think I forgot to mention she's almost guaranteed to break half the bones in your body if she gets her hands on you," said Otacon delicately as he continued to struggle. Snake sighed, having figured that out on his own. Any second now, she'd tighten her grip and it'd be game over....

And then, all of a sudden, off of a tree branch swaying high overhead, about a dozen or so Minish dropped down, armed with little swords. They landed on the Boss's head and proceeded to tear into her face like a bunch of Pikmin on crack. "Yeargh!" screamed the Boss as she dropped both her Patriot and her tiny captives, trying to brush the Minish off of her head.

Snake quickly grabbed Otacon with one hand and held the Deku leaf with the other. As the two of them gently floated down, Snake looked back up, seeing that the Minish were still valiantly and furiously hacking away at her face. "Otacon, aren't they...."

"Yep, the same Minish that you recruited in the last scenario," said Otacon. "Now I remember how this is supposed to go: your recruits from last time carry over here, and you use them to take out the Boss too."

Snake and Otacon landed on a tree root and looked up, seeing that the Boss had finally shaken all the Minish off. However, a faint trumpet sound echoed throughout the field of flowers, and more trumpeting noises followed. There was dead silence for a second or two, but then the din resumed, the sound of trumpets being replaced by the rallying war cries of several dozen Minish. A few Minish popped up beside the root they had landed on, their faces still painted. They all were armed with bows, and they unleashed a volley of fire and ice arrows up at the Boss. All throughout the field, other mini-versions of Zelda weapons were being used to attack the towering Boss from all sides, and she didn't know where to turn first.

"Well, I'll say one thing for these Minish guys: they've got guts," said Snake grudgingly. "But how are we supposed to put the Boss down for good? Is there some specific way like with Emma?"

"Yeah, but it depends on how much Minish you were able to recruit," said Otacon. "For each twenty Minish you recruited before, there's something set up that'll give you a clear shot at the Boss. Uh, how many Minish did you recruit anyway?"

"Uh, ninety-eight," answered Snake.

"OK, so that gives us four chances to do some serious damage to the Boss. If we don't manage to put her down with those four shots then, well, it's pretty much game over," explained Otacon.

Snake wondered exactly what these 'chances' meant and that about to ask Otacon, but suddenly the Boss cut loose with her Patriot again, scouring the ground with endless gunfire. She trod past Snake and Otacon, and they saw that she was dragging a long piece of string with one foot, with several Minish clinging to both ends. "Oh please, can these movie references be any more blatant!?" snapped Snake.

Soaring above the Boss's head, Snake then saw several tiny hang gliders manned by Minish, who began dropping bombs onto the Boss. "I had to ask," muttered Snake.

The Boss turned her head aside as the bombs went off, singeing her hair and searing her face. Unfortunately, this caused her gaze to shift down to the ground, and judging from the big red exclamation point above her head, she had spotted the two of them. "Uh oh," grumbled Snake, who grabbed Otacon and dashed aside just in time to avoid getting ripped to shreds by giant bullets.

The two of them ducked behind a rock as the gunfire ricocheted off of it. Great, we're stuck, thought Snake acidly, but he heard more Minish war cries over the gunfire, and a few seconds later the bullets stopped coming, no doubt because the Minish were on the offensive again. Suddenly, a lone Minish popped up, pointing behind him.

Snake looked at Otacon dubiously. "Uhh, he's telling us where we need to go. My guess is it's on the far side of this field," said Otacon.

"And how the hell are we supposed to get across this field at our size!?" demanded Snake.

The Minish then held up two pairs of brown boots that had little golden wings attached to the ankles. "There's your answer," grumbled Otacon.

---

WHAM!!

Snake slowly slid down the flower stem and collapsed to the ground. Otacon then slowly walked up to his still body and said, "I can't believe it's THAT hard for you. That's the fifth one you've crashed into!" Snake couldn't even think of anything to retort back with, his entire body ached everywhere. He had no idea running into a flower could hurt so damn much.

"Get up, will you?" urged Otacon impatiently as he held out his hand. Snake muttered something unprintable as he took it and stood up. Then both of them used their pegasus boots again to barrel through the field at top speed.

After a couple more unfortunate run-ins with the program's flora, Snake finally reached the very edge of the field, where a most bizarre apparatus was waiting for him. There was a gigantic SVD, a sniper rifle commonly used while Big Boss was in his prime, mounted onto a harness made up of several gears and pulleys, and pivoted so that it swerved along the ground. Several Minish were busily fine-tuning the machine.

Snake caught on instantly. "So, we use this to mow down the Boss?" It wasn't really a question.

"Yeah, and it's programmed so you have to be the one to do it, you being their leader and the expert on weapons and all," said Otacon. "For here, you look through the scope and tell the Minish to adjust it accordingly."

Snake wasted no time climbing up the SVD and looking through the scope. Unfortunately, he couldn't spot the Boss anywhere. "Rotate to the left a little, let's see if we can find her," he ordered, and the SVD started pivoting to the right. And then he finally caught a glimpse of the Boss, kneeling and leaning against a tree. It didn't look like she was being besieged by Minish at the moment, which was a good thing, for then she'd be moving all over the place and it'd be impossible to land a clear shot.

"Move it right a little more, up about twenty degrees," ordered Snake, still looking through the scope. Just stay still a little longer, thought Snake as he stared unblinkingly through the scope, watching as the Boss looked around carefully. It took a few seconds before her forehead was in his crosshairs. "We got it. FIRE!"

One of the Minish down below pushed against the trigger, but just as he did, the Boss began to stand up. The bullet hit her in the shoulder area instead, not quite near low enough to hit her lungs or heart, but enough to make her cry out in pain.

"DAMN!" yelled Snake as the Boss turned in their direction. "Fire again, just FIRE!" he bellowed. Another shot was fired, and another bullet ripped through the Boss's leg. Then the Boss flattened herself against the ground, disappearing from view.

Snake knew she was coming, and yelled, "Everyone, out of here, NOW!" as he jumped down from the SDV. Snake and all the Minish ran for it, and just in time. The Boss burst forth through the flowers and grabbed the SVD off the Minish's mount, then dismantled the whole thing faster than you can say 'I need scissors!'

"The Minish'll regroup soon enough to cover our getaway, don't worry!" said Otacon just as another team of Minish cut loose with more fire and ice arrows. Another Minish pointed the two of them in the direction of their next weapon to use. "Ready, Snake?" asked Otacon.

"No," muttered Snake, not looking forward to using the pegasus boots again one bit.

And so, Snake and Otacon tore through the flowers again, and of course, Snake ran full-tilt into a flower stem more than once. But eventually, they reached their next destination: another Minish-crafted harness for a full-sized weapon to use against the Boss. But instead of an SVD, this one had an M63 mounted on it. A few Minish were gathered round, looking rather eager.

Snake acted just as before, climbing up as fast as he could. Once he reached the top, he pulled out his scope and tried to spot the Boss again. It wasn't hard to find her. More Minish in hang gliders were pelting her with bombs, and some on the ground were obviously blasting her with magic. The Boss responded in kind by raking the air and the ground with gunfire from her Patriot. Snake saw a few hang gliders drop. "We're losing Minish fast. Up about thirty degrees, left by about ten...FIRE!!"

Bullets tore across the field, but the shots went wild and the harness wasn't built sturdy enough to withstand the intense recoil. A few bullets made their mark, but none hit any vital areas. The Boss turned on the spot again and cut loose with her Patriot. Snake caught a glimpse of how her glistening white suit was becoming a tattered, bloody mess before he was forced to jump down and run for dear life.

Soon enough, the Boss stomped through the field and dismantled the M63 as well. Snake looked up at her towering form, and noticed that she was breathing heavily and one hand was clutching her midsection, blood pouring through her fingers. The shots they had landed were taking their toll. Perhaps it wouldn't take much more....

Snake frantically looked about for a Minish, wanting to get to the next weapon as soon as possible. "Hello? Anyone!" he cried out desperately.

For a while, no Minish showed themselves, and the Boss's thunderous footsteps boomed all around them. They had to move fast before they were discovered. Finally, one lone pink-capped Minish showed herself, pointing over to one of the trees. And then Snake saw it: hanging upside-down from a tree was what looked like a shotgun, probably a sawed-off M37.

And so, Snake and Otacon took off, stopping only when our beloved antihero crashed face-first into a flower. When they got to the tree, however, Snake realized they had a problem. "Great, now how do we..." he began, but his voice trailed off when Otacon pointed at a small hole in the ground. "Oh, not again," he mumbled as he pulled out his Cane of Pacci.

They grabbed onto the barrel of the shotgun after shooting themselves upward, helped up by some Minish attending the weapon. Snake carefully climbed over to the trigger and yelled, "OK, find the Boss and target her! Shouldn't be too hard from up here." The Minish squeaked amongst themselves as they carried out their orders. As the Minish on top of the branch turned a series of cranks to aim the M37 properly, Snake noticed out of the corner of his eye the last weapon at the farthest edge of the field: an RPG-7.

One of the other Minish piped up, and Snake looked down. The Boss was now directly in the line of fire, and had just begun to scour the field with gunfire again. Snake and Otacon wasted no time and pulled the trigger with all their might.

The boom from the shotgun blew out his ears, and the scream of fury from the Boss a microsecond later tore through his head even further. Once his ears stopped ringing, he could make out the faint cries of the Minish as they scrambled about. Snake looked down again and saw the Boss taking aim. "Uh-oh," he mumbled as he grabbed Otacon and jumped. The bullets tore into the branch, actually severing it from the tree. Snake tried to ignore the cries of his Minish as they fell along with the branch. He was becoming oddly attached to them, even though he knew they were just part of a computer simulation.

Snake hung on for dear life onto his Deku leaf as he steered it toward the RPG-7, Otacon clutching desperately onto his other arm. If we can just make it over there without the Boss spotting us. If she does.... He looked behind him. The Boss looked even worse than ever, blood seeping all over her suit, and she was hunched over and her breathing sounded even more ragged. She still looked daunting, standing in the middle of the field like a towering skyscraper, but Snake knew that just one well-timed shot from that RPG-7....

Miraculously, they floated over to the RPG-7 even though no Minish teams were there to distract her. Snake had a nasty feeling that all their allies had been obliterated, but one shot from that RPG-7 would end it...he hoped.

A few Minish were there, waiting for them. Snake landed right by the scope and peered through it. "Up about five degrees, turn left by forty!" he commanded. He heard the gears squeak in protest as the RPG-7 slowly turned. The Boss slowly came into view, and soon was aligned perfectly in the crosshairs.

However, she was facing them directly. It had looked like she was about to drop down and crawl through the flowers again, but as was evidenced by the red exclamation point over her head, she had had a change of plans. She raised her Patriot. "Oh shit...NOW!! FIRE NOW!!!" Snake screamed.

He was almost thrown off as the grenade was launched. As he was hurled through the air, Snake caught a glimpse of the Boss firing her Patriot as the rocket shot toward her. The gunfire caused it to explode, but it had gotten way too close. Snake heard the Boss cry out one last time before he hit the ground hard, and then the air was filled with the crashing sound of the Boss's lifeless body hitting the ground.

Snake and Otacon slowly made their way through the field, over to where the Boss had fallen. They came across her boot first, and wearily made their way along her side until they reached her hand. Snake saw her huge fingers flex ever so slightly as a terrible gurgling noise seemed to surround them. Soon, however, even that slight movement stopped, and then the air was filled with the sound of cheering Minish. Snake looked around, seeing Minish all over the place, dancing jubilantly. More of them survived than I thought, Snake thought.

Amid the celebration, the exit point popped into being, down bear where the Boss's head rested. But then, another sound cut over the cries of the celebrating Minish: a slithering sound, as if some huge serpent was lurking about. It sounded like it was coming from the Boss's dead body.

Snake looked up, and gasped when he saw a ghastly, black snake slither off of her chest...and go straight for the Minish. "AAHHHHHH!!!" screamed the Minish collectively as the snake deftly darted about gobbling up one Minish after another.

Snake and Otacon stood there and watched with blank stares. "OK, they survive a fight with the Boss, only to get gobbled up by some snake?" asked Snake incredulously, finding the whole thing morbidly absurd.

"Uh, looks like it," said Otacon sheepishly as more screaming Minish were eaten alive. "Uhh, we'd better get out of here."

Snake needed no encouragement. He and Otacon took off for the exit point. As they neared it, more screams from behind made Snake look back over his shoulder. Three Minish were running after them, but the snake seemed to rise from the very ground, opening its mouth wide and hissing. Everything seemed to go into slow motion as the snake dived at them as the Minish kept running and screaming, their faces frozen with panicky expressions.

"Snake, let's go!" cried Otacon. Snake turned back and the two ran into the exit point. According to Otacon, only one scenario remained. And Snake had a nasty feeling it would end up being the most difficult and mind-numbingly idiotic one of all.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 7: In The Name of Stupidity
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

For what Snake prayed was the last time, numbness and darkness overwhelmed him, and when it finally began to abate, he could see he was standing in the middle of a wide city street. Thank God, no more being bug-sized in a garden! Snake thought to himself. Then again, it doesn't make much difference; I'll be stared down by some broad the size of a building any minute.

Snake took a good look around him, trying to get a feel for where they were and where the (hopefully final) giant girl might be. Wherever they were, the streets were eerily devoid any people as the New York scenario had been, and it was nearly sundown. Off in the distance, against the setting sun, Snake saw a strange tower. After staring for a few seconds, he thought he knew where they were. "Paris, France?" he asked Otacon.

"No, that's not the Eiffel Tower," Otacon said warily. "That's Toyko Tower."

"Huh? We're in Japan?" Snake asked. One quick glance at billboards and shop windows showed that this was indeed a Japanese city. Now he was really confused. None of the Metal Gear conspirators he had fought before were Japanese; the closest thing was Grey Fox when he came back as the Ninja. He wondered what the Japanese setting could mean. Then it hit him. "Oh no, this has something to do with those crappy Japanese cartoons you watch, doesn't it?" he demanded.

"Uh, you got it," said Otacon blankly.

Snake shook his head. He had no idea what kind of stupid anime character this program was supposed to have and he was afraid to find out. "Great, it wasn't enough that you use old partners and enemies, your own stepsister and Big Boss's mentor, but now...." Loud booming noises cut Snake off. Snake listened carefully, trying to figure out which direction the next giantess was coming from. He then realized they were coming from multiple directions, as if surrounding him. "Great, thrown into the thick of things already!? How do...."

Suddenly, something stepped out from between two buildings, but it wasn't a giant anime girl at all. It was something he had seen before...but it wasn't any more welcome. It was another Metal Gear Rex.

"What the hell!?" exclaimed Snake, not believing his eyes. More crashing footfalls from behind them made him turn around. Another Metal Gear was stomping down the street, this one the Gander model, its flamethrower 'mouth' open and already spewing fire. Not only that, the smaller TX-55 and D models were stepping out of alleys on either side.

Snake look around in disbelief at the bipedal tanks. "All four?" he muttered. "All four AT ONCE?!!"

"Um, well...." Otacon began.

"Oh well, at least I know what to do against these," Snake said as he once again pulled his stinger missile launcher out from God-knows-where. He targeted Rex's radome, noticing the disturbingly phallic laser cannon on its underbelly was taking aim at him too.

But just as Snake was about to fire, a deafening loud, commanding voice rang out: "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!"

"Who in the...." Snake began as he looked around. Then his face fell when he noticed something, or rather someone else, was stepping out into the street. "Oh Christ...Otacon, please tell me this is a joke."

Now, standing in the street with them and the four Metal Gears, was the titanic form of a giant Sailor Moon in her 'Super' form.

Snake stared at her, mouth hung open in disbelief. Otacon was staring too, though, of course, for entirely different reasons. "Bipolar tanks hauling terrible weapons, stomping through the peaceful streets at night, ready to wreak havoc!? I won't forgive you!!" screamed the towering, blond magical girl.

"Uhh, it's 'bipedal' tank," Otacon corrected.

Sailor Moon scratched her head. "Oh. Uh, whoops," she said sheepishly, then let out a nervous laugh.

Snake shook his head, still not believing what was going on. "Sailor Moon. Freaking, goddamn Sailor Moon," he grumbled. Thankfully, the Metal Gears which had been focused on him now turned on the larger - MUCH larger - threat. Snake could hear missiles being armed and the clacking of machine guns fixing on their target.

"Oh no you don't!" screeched Sailor Moon, loud enough to make the windows of nearby cars rattle.. She took out some weird mace with a heart at the end, crouched down and started to spin in place. "RAINBOW...MOON...."

"Snake...DUCK AND COVER!!!" bellowed Otacon. He grabbed Snake and threw him down onto the pavement.

"HEARTACHE!!!" Sailor Moon finished. Snake looked up from the street, but at first all he could see was dazzling, pink light. Then he made out what looked like several long chains of little pink hearts going every which way, along with one huge-ass heart flying down the street. There was another blinding flash, and the sound of explosions rang in his ears. But when the light faded and Snake looked around, all that remained were the charred, mangled, twisted forms of the four Metal Gears.

One thought went through Snake's head: "I've got to get one of those!" he thought aloud. Then he noticed Otacon's quizzical stare. "What?"

"You've told me more than once that you thought if you had spy gadgets from Bond movies, you'd look like a fool. But you'd use something out of one of the girliest TV shows ever spawned?" he asked dubiously.

"Hmmm, good point," said Snake simply.

"Yay, I got them! I got them all!" thundered Sailor Moon, who began hopping up and down in delight. Unfortunately for Snake and Otacon, she made a huge tremor each time her huge feet smashed down into the road; deep cracks were even forming in the pavement. The tremors knocked the two off their feet, and they couldn't stand back up until Sailor Moon finally stopped hopping.

As Snake stood up, he was aware of the huge, long shadow cast over them. He looked up to see Sailor Moon bending over, gazing down at them. "Awww, you two look sooooo cute!" she cooed.

She then reached down as if to pick them up, but Snake immediately raised his launcher. "Back off, bitch!" Snake cried out.

"Uhh, Snake, that may not be the best way...." Otacon began, but Snake cut him off.

"SHUT UP! I've had it with this program of yours!" Snake shot back, his frustration filling him with rage. "I can't take any more of these sick, creepy little fantasies of yours...so let's blow this thing and go home!" And with that, Snake let a missile fly. It flew right at Sailor Moon's forehead, exploding as it hit her tiara.

"YEOW!" she screamed as she stumbled backward and fell, a few cars getting crushed underneath her titanic ass. "Ohh, you two are so mean!" yelled Sailor Moon, and then she let out a horrible, horrible wail that was so loud, it shattered nearly every window of every building on the street.

Snake and Otacon covered their ears in a vain attempt to block out the awful noise. Otacon was saying something; Snake couldn't possibly hear him, but he could read his lips and knew he said, "Nice going, Snake." Snake grimaced as the wailing went on. Finally, though, it stopped. "She's getting up now. Snake, we'd better move. Thankfully, I threw in another something that'll help us get away."

Snake looked back over to Sailor Moon, who was slowly starting to rise. "Huh? Oh what, not the ice cream truck again...."

"Err, no, I think you'll like this better," said Otacon. He took off toward and alley and Snake quickly followed, spurned on by the annoyed look on Sailor Moon's face.

"Oh, you two need to be taught a lesson. In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!" she said as she finally rose to her full height, glaring down at Snake.

"That's our cue to MOVE!" cried Otacon imploringly. Snake turned and followed him, and soon they came across what looked like a massive, olive-green jeep with some sort of grenade launcher mounted on the back. Of course, we can all tell it's a Warthog from Halo 2. "Snake, use the cannon to keep her from breathing down our necks," he said as he started up the Warthog. "Hang on, we're outta here!"

The Warthog backed out of the alley, going right underneath Sailor Moon's legs. Once out on the street, Otacon floored it and sped away from Sailor Moon at top speed. "Hey, get back here!!" she thundered as she took off after them, each footstep making the ground quake.

Snake knew the Warthog was going at top speed, but still it looked as if Sailor Moon was catching up. He stared up dumbly at their persuer, but thankfully Otacon snapped him out of it by yelling, "What are you waiting for!? Use the cannon! SHOOT!!!"

Sailor Moon was almost on top of them. Panicking, Snake took the controls and aimed the Gauss Cannon up at her face. He fired once, and the impact made Sailor Moon cry out and stumble back a little. Snake fired another shot at her midsection, and she stumbled into the side of a building, clutching her stomach. But it wasn't long before she was running after them again.

"Otacon, this isn't exactly the most messed-up thing I've been through all day, but it pretty damn close," Snake spat as he took aim at Sailor Moon again. "And just WHY did you have to use Sailor Moon!? I thought you were obsessed with those stupid mecha anime things?"

"You caught me, I have a weakness for shojo anime too," Otacon admitted. "But I wonder...how come YOU knew who she was?"

Except for Sailor Moon's booming footfalls, there was silence for a few seconds. "OK, now you got me. One day while still in Alaska, I was bored out of my mind and channel flipping and came across it. I still can't believe I sat through the whole damn thing."

"Neither can I. You must've seen that butchered English version, which ruined everything," said Otacon. "For example, Uranus and Neptune were cousins in the dub, but in the original, they were...."

"Otacon, will you just SHUT THE HELL UP AND DRIVE!?" Snake screamed as he aimed another shot at Sailor Moon's knee and fired. "Good God, how anyone can stand the ranting of anime freaks like you, I'll never know...."

Despite Snake's best efforts, Sailor Moon was once again getting too close for comfort. Otacon powerslid around a corner, and a second later Sailor Moon rounded the corner as well, or at least tried to. As any self-respecting otaku knows, our dear Usagi Tsukino is a bonafide klutz, with all the grace and poise of a rhinocerous high on crack. So it's no surprise that she slipped and fell, crashing into the side of a building. Thus, Snake and Otacon now had a little breathing room.

"Ugh, how the hell do we put her down for good?" grumbled Snake as he watched Sailor Moon get back up. "I landed at least a dozen direct hits and she doesn't even look winded!"

"Of course not. If you had watched the whole series, you'd see just how much punishment these girls can take," said Otacon. "There's no way to take her out with the weapons you've got. But...I've added a couple new weapons in this scenario that'll work, and we're headed to where the first one is."

"Fine. What is it?" asked Snake.

"Well, it's like another stinger missile launcher, only instead of missiles it shoots huge rocket-propelled tranquilizer darts. Stick her in the head with enough of those, and she'll be sleeping like a baby for hours."

At this point, Sailor Moon was only a couple hundred feet behind them. Snake aimed the Gauss cannon, but Otacon said, "No, don't push her back too much! We want her to follow us!" Otacon then powerslid around another corner, Sailor Moon still in hot pursuit.

Sanke was miraculously able to keep Sailor Moon at bay long enough for them to reach their destination: the Juuban Park. One last well-aimed shot at Sailor Moon's face drove her back, and the Warthog tore through the park. Snake caught sight of it well before Otacon pointed it out: a huge, long, floating, rotating box that could only contain the weapon he needed.

Otacon pulled up right next to it, and Snake immediately jumped out and fished the tranquilizer launcher out of the box. "Snake, think you can handle her on your own?"

Snake's first thought was, Of COURSE I can handle her on my own. I'd BETTER be able to. But aloud, he asked, "Why? Where are you going?"

"To get the OTHER launcher should you run out of ammo for this one. There's some more ammo scattered around the park, but I don't know if it'll be enough to knock her out. If you run out, head for the Tokyo Tower. I'll be waiting there." And with that, Otacon took off.

"Hey wait! What're you...." But loud rumbling cut him off. Snake turned in the direction of the noise, and saw Sailor Moon wading through trees that only came up to her waist. All the while, her gaze never wavered from Snake.

"Well, here we go," Snake muttered as he readied one of the darts.

---

Sailor Moon now stood a few dozen feet away from Snake, who had her head centered in the scope's crosshairs, the sensors locked onto her head. He was ready to fire, but that look on her face kept him from pulling the trigger: that perplexing and disturbing look of adoration. "Aww, I can't stay mad at you forever," she said sweetly.

"Eh?" was all Snake said, the launcher shaking in his arms, the scope's crosshairs wavering.

Sailor Moon shook her head. "Nope, can't stay angry at you. You're just so cute!" she exclaimed, her smiling face beaming. "I just wanna hug you and snuggle you; you'd be like a little pet!" And with that, she reached down to grab him again.

"Oh no!!" screamed Snake. Panicking, he fired a dart right up into her palm.

Sailor Moon screeched and quickly pulled her hand away. While she was distracted, Snake readied another dart and fired it at her head. "OWW!!" exclaimed Sailor Moon as her hand went for the side of her head, pulling out the dart. However, she looked as fresh and alert as ever.

Two hits so far, and one to the head, but she doesn't look the least bit tired yet. Otacon wasn't kidding about needing to stick her with a whole mess of darts.... Snake then realized that there weren't many missiles left on his person, the box had only contained so many. Great, running out of ammo already, he thought as he readied another one.

However, before he could even take aim, Sailor Moon raised her foot and slammed it down hard. She didn't stomp on Snake, but she planted her foot down a few feet from him, the impact knocking him off his feet. Snake regathered his wits just in time to see Sailor Moon's hand coming for him yet again. He quickly ducked and rolled underneath her legs, then brought his launcher up as he ran backwards. Once he had locked onto her head, he let it fly, and it planted itself on the tip of her nose.

"OWWW!! Again!? Oh, I've always hated getting shots!" thundered Sailor Moon as she pulled the missile out of her nose. However, Snake noticed she was starting to look a little groggy; perhaps only a few more doses would knock her out?

Snake looked around frantically for more ammo. It was getting dark, but in the twilight, Snake could spot a few floating boxes here and there. He dashed for the nearest one, praying it had more missiles, but he found was fragmentation grenades. He then ran for another one, but all it had were landmines.

"Hey!! Where'd you go!?" came Sailor Moon's deafening voice. Snake glanced back up, seeing that Sailor Moon was looking all around the park. At first, Snake wondered why she hadn't spotted him, but then he realized that with the sun setting, he must be hard to make out from her vantage point.

Hmmm, this gives me an idea, Snake thought as he took out his USP and began shooting all the lampposts, making him even harder to spot. Then he took out his claymore mines and started to systematically plant them around the park. Once that was done, he armed another missile, targeted her head, and fired.

The noise from the missile immediately made Sailor Moon glance down in Snake's direction, but she was too late to stop it from nailing her in the forehead, injecting her with even more tranquilizer. "Brrr," shuddered Sailor Moon as she pulled it out and shook her head, as if to ward off sleepiness. "Oooh, will you stop it with those things!?" she demanded as she stomped toward Snake. But she could only take a few steps before she set off a whole mess of claymores, filling the air with a cacophony of explosions punctuated by her crying out in surprise. "Oww!!! Hey! What the!?" she cried out as she comically danced around, vainly trying to avoid the mines.

"Heh heh," Snake muttered with a grin as he locked onto Sailor Moon's head. Unfortunately, this time, the missile bounced harmlessly off her tiara. Even worse, it looked like all the mines had been stepped on. Snake looked around desperately. That had been his last missile. He finally spotted another box a few feet away and he went right for it. Snake breathed a sigh of relief as he opened it, seeing another five missiles full of tranquilizer.

But his relief was short-lived. A thunderous crash right beside him knocked him flat on his face, and the missiles all fell out and rolled to a stop along the park's walkway. Snake looked up, seeing that Sailor Moon had planted her foot right next to him again, and she was leering down at him with a devilish grin. "I don't think so, Snakey. I think I'll be staying up late tonight."

Sailor Moon raised her foot and slowly brought it down again, this time onto the missiles lying on the ground. Snake's heart sank as he heard the crunch of breaking glass. When she lifted her foot again, Snake saw the tranquilizer lying uselessly in puddles on the concrete Great. NOW what do I do!? Snake thought hopelessly as Sailor Moon started to bend down again, hand outstretched.

Just when it seemed all hope was lost, Snake heard something crash nearby, and the sound of roaring flames accompanied it. Both Snake and Sailor Moon turned to see what it was; the flaming wreckage of a plane was skidding to a halt near them, and it had already set many of the trees on fire. And out from the burning trees came two figures: some morbidly obese guy with brown hair and glasses and some big orange chicken. They were ruthlessly punching and kicking each other (the chicken also occassionally pecked at the man's face) and the chicken was forcing the fat man back, toward Snake and the colossal Sailor Senshi.

"Just what in the hell are they doing!?" exclaimed Snake, now more confused than ever. At least Sailor Moon was distracted now, too busy watching the man and the chicken duke it out to pay attention to him. Then, in the light from the fire, Snake noticed that there was one missile Sailor Moon hadn't crushed, right beside the sole of her boot.

Snake ran to get it just as the man was forced back, right underneath Sailor Moon. It was then that the two finally seemed aware of the towering magical girl, and looked up...right up Sailor Moon's skirt.

Blank shock was etched on both their features. "Whoa, those are some big ass panties," said the fat guy.

Sailor Moon let out a deafening shriek of indignation that had all three little people on the ground covering their ears. "ECCHI!!!" she shrieked as she pulled back one leg. Then, with one swift kick, she booted the fat man and the chicken clear across the horizon. The "PKAW!" of the chicken could be heard for several seconds before it faded away.

"What...was that!?" demanded Sailor Moon, shrugging her shoulders and looking down at Snake.

"Don't know and don't care," said Snake, shrugging his shoulders as well. "I've stopped trying to figure out all the random crap that's been happening."

"And...and why were they fighting?" Sailor Moon asked curiously. "And come to think of it, why are WE fighting?"

"Uhhh, I think it's because you want to glomp me to death and I'm just trying to get out of this VR program in one piece," said Snake.

"Oh. Oh yeah," said Sailor Moon, letting out a sheepish laugh. "Well, I guess we should continue, then."

"Yes, we should," said Snake flatly. Then he brought up his launcher and fired the last missile at her head.

"OUCH!!" she shrieked, and this time she fell flat on her ass. But Snake didn't dare hope that that last dose of tranquilizer meant the end of his troubles; he could already see Sailor Moon was trying to get back up. He knew he had a a few seconds to spare, though, so he turned on his Codec and called Otacon.

---

As soon as Otacon's face appeared on the screen, Snake yelled, "Otacon, I don't think there's any missiles left around here! Do you have the rest of them yet!?"

"You're in luck. I just got to the second launcher and cache of ammo," said Otacon calmly. "Just haul ass over to the Tokyo Tower like I said before. I'll be there, waiting at the top."

"The top!?" Snake said incredulously, but the stern look on Otacon's face let him know he shouldn't argue with him. But there was another nagging little detail. "And how am I supposed to get there without her catching me and glomping me to death!?"

"I think you already know," replied Otacon.

"Aw hell," Snake grumbled as the Codec screen blinked out.

---

Like a bat out of hell, or Castlevania, or something, Snake barreled down the streets of Tokyo, using the pegasus boots he had scored in the last program. This time, he was being EXTRA careful; running full speed into a telephone pole or a parked car would probably leave a bit more of a mark than crashing into a big flower.

Unfortunately, being extra cautious, and the fact that he had to almost come to a complete stop to get around corners, gave Sailor Moon plenty of opportunities to catch up. Whenever it seemed Snake had a lead, he had to slow down and thus gave her a chance to close the distance between them.

"Hee hee, I'm gonna getcha!" Sailor Moon's sweet voice boomed as she tried to scoop him up, missing Snake by only inches as he ran away.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," muttered Snake as he ran. Off in the distance, he could see it: Tokyo Tower.

Snake sped away from the giant Senshi, coming to a corner. Since she was still quite a distnace away, Snake took the opportunity to plant his remaining claymores around the corner. He sped off again, and far behind him, he heard some explosions, a yelp of surprise, and finally, a loud crash.

"Heh heh, I got you," Snake said with a grin as he ran straight ahead. At long last, he had reached the entrance to Tokyo Tower. Unfortunately, he didn't slow down in time and crashed right through the front door. "Owww," Snake grumbled as he slowly got back up. The ground wasn't quaking, but he instinctively knew Sailor Moon would be there any minute. It took a while, but he finally found an elevator. He got in and hit the button for the top, almost breaking it.

After what seemed like forever, the elevator door opened. Snake wearily stepped out and looked around. The view at sundown was quite spectacular, and Snake let himself relax for a moment and admire it. But suddenly the whole tower shook.

"Oh damnit, NOW what!?" Snake thought aloud angrily. He ran to the edge and looked over. "Oh hell no."

Not only had Sailor Moon reached Tokyo Tower, she was actually climbing it!

"Oh no no NO!!!" Snake cried out. Is there any stopping her!? And just where the fuck is Otacon!? He said he'd meet me here!! In desperation, Snake took out a grenade, pulled the pin, and tossed it down at Sailor Moon. It exploded right in her face, but it barely slowed her down. Snake was breaking into a nervous sweat as he threw more and more grenades down at her, but they proved just as useless, barely making her flinch. All the while, she climbed higher and higher.

"Where IS he!?" he cried out in desperation as he threw down his last grenade. Once again, it went off in her face. She flinched, and then shook the Tokyo Tower violently. Snake lost his balance and fell. He got back up and pulled out his M16, desperate for any way to slow up Sailor Moon. But when he peered over the edge, Sailor Moon was nowhere to be seen. "The hell?" he thought aloud, confused. She obviously hadn't fallen, otherwise there would've been a massive tremor. So where did she go?

"PEEK-A-BOO!" bellowed a sweet, thunderous voice that seemed to come from everywhere.

Snake looked around frantically, and saw that to his left was Salior Moon's huge face, so close that he saw himself reflected in her pupils. For a second, Snake was paralyzed with shock, and that lapse cost him. Before he could even raise his weapon, Sailor Moon grabbed him, squeezing him so tightly Snake felt like his head would pop off.

"Ha ha, I finally caught you!" she beamed at Snake. She then began nuzzling him against her cheek, pressing him so tightly against it he thought he'd be squashed flat. "Aw, like I said, just an adorable little pet!"

"Oh Christ, this is it," Snake gasped as the crushing pressure increased. Game...OVER!! Otacon, you little lying shit.. you said you'd....

Snake's thoughts trailed off, though, when a loud noise cut through the night air: helicopter blades. Snake forced himself to open his eyes. Hovering right next to the tower was a Kasatka...and the side door swung open to reveal Otacon brandishing the other traquilizer launcher.

"No," said Sailor Moon as she stared blankly at the Kasatka while Snake paryed with all his might that Otacon knew how to handle one of those. Luckily, it looked like he did; a single missile flew through the night, heading right for Sailor Moon's head and scoring a direct hit.

"OWWW! Uhhn, feel so dizzy," mumbled Sailor Moon, relinquishing her grip on Snake and letting him drop back down to the platform. Snake wasted no time running up to the Kasatka, leaping off the platform and into the helicopter.

"What the hell TOOK YOU SO LONG!?" Snake demanded as he grabbed the launcher from Otacon.

"Well, I'll admit, I was kinda distracted by how paradoxical it is for such a hardened mercenary to be so freaked out by one teenage girl," Otacon said with a grin.

It took every ounce of willpower Snake had to not put Otacon into a chokehold and snap his neck. "Just get back up front and pilot this thing! I just know that if we stay in one spot too long she'll...."

Snake's words were indeed prophetic, for Otacon flew the Kasatka away just before Sailor Moon would've grabbed it. Snake stood by the opened door, readying a missile for when he had another clean shot. Otacon started flying around Tokyo Tower while Sailor Moon climbed around it, keeping the Kasatka in her sights, as if she was waiting for something too. "What's she up to now?" Snake asked as he targeted her head again.

Snake got his answer when Sailor Moon reached for her tiara. "SNAKE, HANG ON!" Otacon yelled as the Kasatka lunged forward.

A resounding cry of "MOON TIARA ACTION!" cut through the night as her tiara, now a blazing disc of energy, was hurled at the Kasatka. Otacon had taken evasive action just in time, barely evading her tiara, and he had to lunge forward again to avoid it as it returned to Sailor Moon like a boomerang.

"I bet Slasher Hawk would've loved something like that," said Snake bemusedly as he took aim at her head again. Once he had a lock, he fired, scoring yet another hit, but Sailor Moon still seemed a ways off from being knocked out for good. "Ugh, how much more will it take!?" Snake demanded vehemently.

"Just keep with it," said Otacon reassuringly as Sailor Moon violently shook her head. "It shouldn't be too much...."

Snake looked over to the pilot's seat, wondering why Otacon's words trailed off. He then heard the sound of ANOTHER helicopter, a second before he saw it. A Hind D was flying aimlessly toward Tokyo Tower, and dangling from the bottom by their legs was the fat guy and the chicken from earlier. And lo and behold, they were still punching away with wild abandon, with the chicken still pecking at the guy's face from time to time.

Even worse, they were confusing the Hind's pilot, and its weapons were being aimlessly fired everywhere. But in defiance of every law of anime known to man, all the machine gun fire and missiles missed Toyko Tower entirely. Instead, they struck nearby buildings, causing many of them to collapse. "What the...they're causing more collateral damage than we are!!" Snake exclaimed, getting fed up with all the inane randomness.

"Oh, enough is enough," said Sailor Moon, obviously feeling the same way. She reached for her tiara again. "MOON TIARA ACTION!"

The deadly disc sliced through the Hind D, blowing it up instantly and causing the fat guy and the chicken to fall to the street below. The fat guy landed into a conveniently parked garbage truck. He got out, brushed himself off, and calmly walked away. But neither Sailor Moon or Snake saw that the supposedly dead chicken, who had landed on the street, opened his eyes and leered evilly at the fat guy.

"I just didn't get ANY of that!" yelled Sailor Moon. "What was the point of all that!?"

"Hey, ask Otacon! He programmed the damn thing!" Snake hollered from the Kasatka.

"Ugh, there'd just better not be anything else that stupid," said Sailor Moon. But wouldn't you know it, there was. Some dog in a banana suit and holding a pair of maracas had shown up on the platform, yelled "IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" and started dancing while singing some nonsensical song. Sailor Moon and Snake stared blankly at the dog for a few seconds, until Sailor Moon had had enough of this too. Her face contorted into a scowl as she knocked the dog away with a flick of her finger. "What was that, Snoopy or something?" she asked. "Do I even really want to know what that was all about?"

"Probably not. Just about all the stuff I've seen in these VR programs is stuff I'd could've lived without knowing," Snake replied.

"Ah. Oh, well, maybe we should just get back to what we were doing before?" Sailor Moon offered.

"With pleasure," Snake said nastily as he peered through the launcher's scope.

"HEY!! No you don't!!" Sailor Moon cried out as she reached for her tiara again. It began powering up just as the sensors had a lock on Sailor Moon's head. "Moon Tiara...."

"Hurry Snake!" Otacon pleaded. "I may not be able to avoid it again!" But as Otacon said that, Snake had already pulled the trigger just as Sailor Moon shouted "ACTION!" and hurled her tiara.

The Kasatka lurched and Snake was slammed against the floor. As exhausted as he was, it took quite a while to pick himself back up. "Ugh, we're still alive?" Snake asked dubiously as he stood back up on wobbly legs.

"Do you see a light at the end of a tunnel? If you don't, then yes," said Otacon flatly.

Snake let out a groan. "I won't knock you senseless for that. I'll wait until you land the Kasatka, THEN I'll knock you senseless," he said tersely. "But wait a minute, what about Sailor Moon? Did we...."

"Take a look for yourself," was all Otacon said. Snake did as he was bid and looked back at the tower. Sailor Moon was still clinging to the side of the Tokyo Tower, but her head was bobbing and eyes were half-closed. Snake then got a good look on her face, and it looked as if she would nod off any second.

And then, it happened. Sailor Moon let go of the tower and fell. Snake leaned out of the Kasatka to watch her unconscious form slowly recede from view until she crashed into the street below, creating the loudest booming crash yet. Snake even SAW the Tokyo Tower shake slightly and he clearly heard the shattering of windows down below at street level, even over the noise from the helicopter blades.

"I think we got her," said Otacon coyly as the Kasatka began its descent.

"What do you mean by 'we'? I did all the heavy lifting!" Snake spat indignantly.

Otacon sighed, but said nothing more as the Kasatka descended toward Sailor Moon's unconscious body. Sailor Moon had landed flat on her back, and as the helicopter got lower, Snake could see how her body had embedded itself deep into the concrete, with deep cracks spidering out everywhere. Cars were upturned, windows were shattered, and lampposts and telephone poles had been bent or snapped by the impact her fall had created. But amazingly, she was still alive. Snake could clearly see Sailor Moon's chest rising and falling, and then there was her face...she had a goofy, carefree smile and there was that anime-style bubble coming out of her nose and everything.

But most importantly, Snake saw the exit point had appeared right on top of Sailor Moon's brooch.

Otacon carefully landed the Kasatka on Sailor Moon's belly. Snake wearily stepped out, almost losing his footing thanks to the softness of her fuku's fabric and the rythmic rising and falling due to her breathing. He kept a tight grip on his launcher, in case Sailor Moon poked her head up and she needed another shot of tranquilizer. But no such thing happened as Snake and Otacon made their way across her body.

Snake stared up at the exit point, then turned and glared at Otacon. "Are you SURE this was the last scenario!?" he asked fervently, thinking it was too good to be true.

"Yeah, I'm p-pretty sure," Otacon replied wearily. "I've been thinking and thinking, and I just can't remember adding any other giant girls. I'm sure Sailor Moon was the last one I programmed in."

Snake looked back up toward the exit point. "You had better be right. Otherwise I just might have to snap a certain pencil neck...." And with that, the two made their way up and across her, ahem, chest area and ran into the exit point, dematerializing instantly.

---

Virtual Stupidity
a Metal Gear story
Chapter 8: Stupidity Springs Eternal
by Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Metal Gear series and all related characters are the creation of the gaming genius Hideo Kojima and the property of Konami.

This is a story that was originally completed on 9-30-2007, and I'm now adding to this archive.

---

Please let it end. Please let it end, Snake thought over and over, praying that this freaky ordeal was now done and over with. In the last few hours, not only did he learn more than he ever cared to know about Otacon - namely, his deepest, darkest fantasies - but he actually had to LIVE THROUGH them, going through one insane scenario after another, sneaking around and fighting gargantuan women tied to his long fight against Metal Gear.

Well, except for Sailor Moon. That last one was in a class all of its own, Snake thought, shuddering inwardly. He still couldn't decide which vice of Otacon's was worse: the giantess fetish thing or his anime obsession.

At last, feeling began to return, and vision and hearing started to come back. He desperately hoped to find himself sitting down in that VR chair in that computer lab. His heart sank when he found himself to be standing instead of sitting. And when he could see again, he found himself and Otacon standing in the middle of what seemed to be a wireframe model of another city. "Otacon," Snake said softly.

"Y-Yeah," said Otacon.

Snake swiftly grabbed Otacon by the collar of his coat and shook him violently. "YOU SAID THERE WEREN'T ANY MORE!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?" he demanded fervently.

"But there aren't a-any m-more!" Otacon managed to get out as Snake kept on shaking him. "I d-don't remember programming the characters models and AI for any giantesses other than the ones we've seen!"

"Is that so?" Snake asked dubiously. "Then I ask again: What the HELL is this?"

"There's no new girls to fight, I'm sure of that," said Otacon. "So I don't get why...." Otacon fell silent as his eyes widened. "Oh no.... OH NO!!!"

"What NOW!?" Snake demanded.

"Like I said, there's no one new. But this is one last thing I started slapping together to end the whole string of VR scenarios," Otacon explained quickly. "It's sort of a...." Thunderous footfalls cut Otacon off as a shadow fell over them. Snake and Otacon looked up to see a colossal Holly White standing over them, grinning down at them with a playful look on her face. "A boss attack mode," Otacon finished weakly.

Snake stared up at Holly stupidly, not even bothering to reach for a weapon as she slowly lowered her hand to scoop them up. But even louder crashing booms resounded throughout the wireframe city, and before Snake could even blink, a titanic Chris Jenner stepped right over the two of them and tackled Holly to the ground, creating a tremor that knocked them off their feet. "There they go again," Otacon muttered, watching the giant Delta Force soldier put Holly in a sleeper hold.

"And we should get going again," said Snake, turning to run. But he stopped and turned back when he realized Otacon wasn't moving.

And that was because Otacon was too busy staring slack-jawed at the giant wrestling lady soldiers. "Damn that's sexy," he said breathlessly. Snake gave him a solid punch in the back of the head, nearly flooring him, then grabbed his arm and ran off with him in tow. But they didn't get far before they saw Meryl Silverburgh coming for them as well. She was also leering down at them evilly, a devilish and playful look on her face as well. "Uh oh," said Otacon as Meryl stomped toward them.

"Hey look on the bright side. Maybe she'll stick you in between her breasts this time," Snake said half-jokingly. Meryl was nearly on top of them, but once again Chris stepped right over them to tackle Meryl to the ground, yelling something loudly. Snake really couldn't understand her, but he could make out words like 'bitch', 'whore' and 'skank'. And as if their little wrestling match wasn't chaotic enough, Holly had gotten up, rushed at them, and slammed their heads together.

But Snake and Otacon didn't stick around to see how the three-way wrestling match went after that, having decided to make themselves scarce. They ran and turned a corner, and Snake half-expected to hear booming footsteps any minute and constantly looked over his shoulder for signs of pursuit. Snake turned to Otacon. "How am I supposed to beat ALL EIGHT of these girls!?" he asked him as they kept on aimlessly running. "We'd better find some more weapons and ammo, fast. I've hardly got anything left."

"Uh, weapons?" Otacon asked delicately.

Snake's face fell. "Oh no, don't tell me you didn't program in any...."

Neither Snake or Otacon had been watching where they were going, so it was no surprise that they ran right into something. Snake fell flat on his ass, and when he regathered his wits and looked up, he found it wasn't a wireframe wall he'd hit, but a gigantic black, high-heeled shoe. He craned his neck to look up, seeing a gigantic Mei Ling looming over the two of them. She looked down at them with adoration, a broad smile on her cute face. "Eep," was all he could get out.

"So we meet again, Snake," she said sweetly. "You know, we didn't get to finish that last dance of ours."

Horrifying visions of the DDR session from hell went through Snake's mind. "Oh no no no," he muttered as he got up and backed away. Mei Ling's eyes never wavered from them, and as Snake backed away, she slowly bent down to grab them. That goaded them into turning around, ready to run like hell. But upon turning around, they found that a giant Emma Emmerich had snuck up on them, and she was now staring down Mei Ling angrily.

"Hey, back off!" sneered Emma. "If anyone gets to have fun with Hal, it's me!" Snake winced at the mention of that, once again afraid that he would learn more about Otacon's past than he ever wanted to know.

"Now just a minute, missy!" Mei Ling shot back, taking a step toward Emma and conveniently giving Snake and Otacon another peek up her skirt...which of course they couldn't resist. "Who said that...."

A loud bang cut Mei Ling off, and the air was rent by a scream of agony from Emma. She fell to the street with a booming thud, clutching her knee. "Who the hell...someone SHOT ME!!" she shrieked. Snake broke out into a cold sweat, fearing that he knew who just shot Emma.

Sure enough, more thunderous footsteps came from down the street. Mei Ling turned around, only to get smacked in the face with the butt end of an enormous PSG1. Mei Ling crumpled, her outstretched arm coming dangerously close to crushing Snake and Otacon when she fell. Snake looked up again, and this time, Sniper Wolf stood over them, holding her rifle and fixing them with a cold, hungry stare. "Uh, I think we were better off with Emma," muttered Snake.

"At least YOU would've been," Otacon shot back as Sniper Wolf stepped over Mei Ling, her boot slamming into the ground by the duo and knocking them off their feet. She bent down to grab them, but yet again fate intervened at just the right time. The Boss rushed right for Wolf, grabbing her sniper rifle and dismantling it at warp speed, then used CQC to slam her into the side of a wireframe building.

"Big Boss learned everything he knew from HER!?" Snake cried in disbelief as they ran again. "Then how was I able to kill him with nothing but a cigarette lighter and a can of spray paint?" But no answer came for his query as the Boss stepped over the bodies of the other three giantesses. Or at least she tried to, for when the Boss tried to step over Emma, she tripped her. The Boss came periliously close to crushing Snake and Otacon when she fell; they had been so close, Snake could feel strands of her hair tickling his face as he was knocked upward several feet.

The Boss immediately got back up, but Holly came out of nowhere and put her in a headlock. Meanwhile, Wolf and Mei Ling were trying to get back up as well, but they too got blindsided. Chris slammed Mei Ling down onto the street and tried to choke her, while Meryl started punching every square inch (or square foot in their case) of Wolf that she could reach. "Payback time you gun-obsessed bimbo!" she shrieked as the slugged away, and Emma even found the strength to get up and help her.

For the moment, the thought of fleeing had left Snake and Otacon as they watched the bizarre spectacle unfold. The ground quaked as the seven giantesses thrashed about and fought, and the shouted words - half of which were unprintable - were downright deafening.

"Maybe they'll just finish themselves off for us," Snake said hopefully as the battle raged on. "Ugh, if there was a word for 'forcibly yanked through a diseased fish's colon', I would still use several strong adjectives in order to describe how utterly messed-up this is," he finished blankly. When Otacon didn't say anything, he turned to see he had a look or enrapturement on his face. He looked about ready to drool, too. After giving him another well-deserved smack upside the head, they turned and ran yet again.

And guess who was standing over them THIS time!? Well, for those who wanted to see EVA in this thing, sorry, it ain't her. It's the one that just doesn't belong, Sailor Moon. "For some reason, she's the creepiest one of all," Snake muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry, little guys," she beamed down at them sweetly. "I'll protect you from all those evil psychotic girls!"

"HEY!!" yelled Mei Ling, who had somehow turned the tables on Chris and had been trying to choke her with what looked like her stockings. All seven of the other girls were now staring angrily at Sailor Moon. "'Evil'? Most of us here were the good guys! Hello!?" she snapped.

"And need we remind you that in our series, the line between good and evil is blurred beyond recognition?" said Wolf, who was still pinned down by Meryl and Emma.

"And besides, do we look like those bitches from that Negaverse thing?" inquired the Boss angrily, who had a knife at Holly's throat.

"Uhh, that was just a dub term, actually," Sailor Moon pointed out delicately.

"Oh, shut it. We learned enough from that to know you're a useless klutzy crybaby!" bellowed Meryl. And with that, she pulled her Desert Eagle out from her cleavage and opened fire. Sailor Moon wailed as she dodged the shots in the most absurdly cartoony fashion possible. And Meryl's taunt proved prophetic, for as she dodged the gunfire, she lost her balance and fell forward.

"Oh, dear God, no...." Snake grumbled as Sailor Moon's rapidly descending upper body filled his field of vision. A second later, both he and Otacon got flattened underneath her, well, ahem, you know.

And from somewhere, as if from a radio, one could hear a Minish squeakily yelling, "Snake, answer us! Snake!? SNAKE!!"

Game over. But what a way to go.

---

"AAAAAAAHH!!!"

Snake sprang up into a sitting position, his body shaking and drenched in nervous, cold sweat. Oh Christ, after all that, we get offed by getting crushed under some ditzy teenage girl's...huh!? Snake thought as he looked around, realizing he had no clue where he was. After a quick glance around, he realized he was sitting on a couch...in the middle of the living room of his old Alaskan home.

"The hell...how'd I get HERE!?" he thought aloud. Is it some other part of the program I have to clear if I get 'killed'? What'll happen now? What's.... But as he searched his memory, he realized something. Hold it, I remember now. After blowing Kim Jong-Il's Metal Gear to kingdom come, Otacon and I decided to stop here to rest before going to the U.N. headquarters to....

Suddenly, it hit Snake like a tidal wave. Wait a minute, we never made it back to the U.N. headquarters!? All that, the VR program, Otacon's thing with the giant girls, it...was all just a dream. Just a stupid, goddamn DREAM!? he thought disbelievingly.

For several minutes, Snake just sat there, mulling over that horrible nightmare. I can't believe it was nothing but a bad dream. It all felt so real...a little TOO real, he thought. Well, this certainly tops that dream where I was in a Vaudeville show with Liquid as the worst nightmare I've had in a while. Well, except for that one part with Meryl, maybe. That wasn't TOO bad.

Deciding not to dwell on it any more, Snake picked up the remote and turned on the television. Oh well, best not to think about it any more. Might as well relax, see if there's anything in the news hinting about us breaking Kim Jong-Il's precious new toy, he thought as he began flipping through channels.

Snake didn't find anything interesting, however. He began to grow bored already, so much so that when he came across Alice in Wonderland playing on the Disney Channel, he merely shrugged his shoulders and left it on. Oh well, after all that X-rated crap I went through in that dream, maybe some innocent children's programming won't hurt.

Too bad Snake forgot what made that movie so memorable for some people in the first place. He had tuned in at the part with Alice in the White Rabbit's house...right before she grew supersized within it.

Snake stared blankly at the screen as the growth scene unfolded, dead silent and white as a ghost. Then he let out a scream of terror and grabbed the remote, changing the channel.

What he changed it to wasn't much better, though. He had just turned it to some all-anime channel that was playing Card Captor Sakura...the part of the episode where Sakura uses the Big card to fight a giant, pink dragon.

For a few seconds, Snake stared at the screen again, transfixed. Then the inevitable happened. "AAAAAHHH!!!" he screamed again as he changing the channel, this time switching it to an episode of Malcolm in the Middle...the episode where Reese has a brief dream sequence about the giant stripper from the billboard. "NOOO!!!" he wailed as he changed the channel yet again, this time switching it to a movie channel...that was showing Dude Where's My Car, right at the part with the Super Hot Giant Alien near the end. "OH CRUEL FATE, WHY DO YOU MOCK ME!?"

"Uh, Snake, is something wrong?"

Snake turned to see Otacon standing by the couch, holding a cup of coffee and looking at him quizzically.

"Uh, it's nothing. Nothing at all," Snake said quickly. But the look on Otacon's face let Snake know that he didn't believe him.

Fortunately, Otacon didn't press the issue. "Uh, OK. Anyway, are you gonna use this TV? I kinda wanted to try something before we left for New York."

Snake just nodded. Otacon left the room, and Snake watched him go. Yeah, there's no way all that stuff about him liking giant women and stuff could possibly be real. What kind of sick freak could possibly be turned on by something like that?

When Otacon returned, he was carrying a paper bag. He sat down in front of the TV and pulled out a PlayStation 2 and a stack of games. "Yeah, one of the perks of having connections in the U.N. is that it's easier than ever ro snag import games," he said as he hooked up the PS2.

"Fine. Whatever," Snake said flatly. Stupid, useless geek. What a.... Snake's thoughts trailed off when he noticed what was on top of the game stack. His Japanese was a little rusty, but one look at the cover was enough to guess what the game was about: some gigantic girl in a blue bikini staring down a bunch of attack choppers as she stormed through a city.

Snake stared at the cover, a boiling rage rising inside him. "By the way, Snake, I'm glad you decided to try out the new VR training missions. I've had a lot of spare time to program a whole bunch, stuff that'll train you on how to procure allies on-site, and...."

It was at that point when Snake proved he was truly his daddy's clone by CQCing poor Otacon into oblivion. When all was said and done, the hapless techno-geek lay unconscious on the floor with a bloody nose, a broken arm and leg and an ugly black eye.

"Well, that takes care of that problem," Snake said nonchalantly as he sat back down, completely ignoring Otacon's crumpled, still body. "Now hopefully I can find something to watch that won't induce a psychotic breakdown." And so, he picked up the remote again and changed the channel, praying that there'd be something to watch that didn't involve giant women.

But once again, God decided to prove how much He despises Snake. Now Snake had tuned in to the remake of Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.

And that, my friends, was the gyashyl green that broke the chocobo's back. Snake whipped out his USP and repeatedly shot the TV, screaming "DIE MOTHERFUCKER!"

For several minutes, Snake sat there, breathing heavily and holding up his gun, staring at the smoking remains of his TV. "Ugh, too bad the freaky little fucks who dreamed up that movie are probably already dead. Good thing nothing like that could happen in real life...."

---

Thirty years ago....

Night had just fallen, and under the cover of darkness, the team would soon make their move. Big Boss stood over a crate and looked through his scope at the enemy base that was located a few hundred feet away. Of course, there was a slight problem with depth perception since he only had one eye. Big Boss grunted in annoyance, because ironically, the one mostly responsible for that was standing right next to him. He turned to see Revolver Ocelot once again engaging in that annoying habit of twirling his revolver. "Ocelot, will you stop playing with your gun?" he hissed.

Ocelot started giggling, as did the two other men in their unit, which confused Big Boss to no end. "What? What's so damn funny?" he asked. Roy Campbell and Frank Jaeger (whom ever since Portable Ops must now be imagined as some creepy, skinny, machete-toting albino instead of that super-badass half-black Rambo-ish soldier from Metal Gear 2) quickly shut up when Big Boss glared at them, and then he went back to studying the base's layout and the placement of soldiers.

Where were they? Does it really matter? It's Fox-Hound, damnit, so we can pretty much tell they'd just been shipped out into the middle of nowhere to single-handedly overthrow some rogue terrorist nation hatching some evil scheme that Big Boss will undoubtedly foil by waltzing around aimlessly for a few hours and blowing stuff up, all the while not realizing he'd be triple or even quadruple-crossed AGAIN. How's that for a run-on sentence?

"So, Snake, we ready to move?" asked Frank Jaeger impatiently, readying his assault rifle.

"Yeah, I guess so," grumbled Big Boss as he lit a cigar. "First, let's check in with our spy, make sure all preparations are complete." And so, Big Boss started to adjust the frequency of his radio. However, when he reached the frequency 140.07, a guitar solo started playing, with the most grotesque lyrics he'd ever heard.

He'd rather have,
a buffalo,
take a diarhhea dump in his ear!
He'd rather eat,
the rotten asshole,
of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer!

Big Boss quickly shut off the radio. Ocelot, Jaeger and Campbell stared at him, nonplussed. "What the hell was that?" Ocelot finally asked, breaking the silence.

"I don't know, nor do I want to know," said Big Boss dryly. He turned the radio back on and quickly changed the frequency to that of his inside man...or rather, woman.

"Snake? Is that you?" came Para-Medic's voice over the radio. Big Boss thought her voice sounded a bit apprehensive.

"Yeah, we're just outside the base and we're ready to make our move," explained Big Boss. "We already know enough of the layout, thanks to you. Have you taken care of everything else we talked about?"

"Sure thing, Snake. I've sabotaged every bit of equipment I could get my hands on, set C3 at all the entrances you wanted blown open, and I even took the liberty of sneaking some laxatives into the soldiers' food," she finished with a hint of coyness in her voice. But her tone immediately turned dire. "But Snake, there's something else you should know. I've been doing more snooping, and...I think there's something here you're not going to like."

"Fine. We'll rendezvous in the base and we'll discuss it further then," said Big Boss. "What's your location?"

"Oh, I'm in the med lab. There's some weird stuff in here and I've been trying to figure out what it is, but that's not what's important," explained Para-Medic. "Listen, you need to know now. There might be a...."

But then the sound of a door being broken down cut Para-Medic's voice off. "There you are! You think we wouldn't find out you were collaberating with the enemy!?" came the voice of an angry soldier.

"And thanks to you, we've been shitting up a storm for hours!" came another voice. Big Boss heard the distinctive sound of Para-Medic firing her Mk22 pistol, and then all he heard was the cacophony of rifle fire, along with what sounded like glass containers being shattered.

Big Boss heard Para-Medic cry out, and his blood ran cold. "Para-Medic, talk to me! Are you OK!?" he asked fervently.

"Yeah, Snake, I'm OK. I ducked behind cover, I'm not shot," Para-Medic yelled over the gunfire. "But something in the lab got on me when a canister shattered. I don't know what it is but...ergh, suddenly I feel so lightheaded...."

What happened next, Big Boss had no idea. All he heard was what might've been clothes being ripped apart, a DEAFENING shriek of agony from Para-Medic that almost blew out his eardrums, all sorts of crashes and more shattering glass, and lastly, what sounded disturbingly like one of the soldiers having a REALLY good time with himself.

For a few seconds, Big Boss stood behind the crate, vainly shouting Para-Medic's name over and over. He finally gave up and turned to his team. "Something's happened to Para-Medic. We move in NOW," he ordered. But as he said that, screams of terror suddenly came from deep inside the base. Big Boss looked through his scope again, hoping to see what was going on. But all he could make out were some explosions and the bodies of several enemy soldiers soaring through the night sky.

Big Boss had no idea what all that meant, but he aimed to find out. "Alright, we're moving out," he ordered, pulling out his assault rifle. The Fox-Hound unit began their approach, but once they were within a hundred feet of the base, soldiers suddenly appeared and they began opening fire. The unit was now pinned down, forced to duck for cover behind trees and parked trucks.

"Damnit, we don't have time for this!" Big Boss yelled as he peeked out from behind a tree to return fire. He was soon forced to duck back behind the tree when he was fired upon himself.

After a few minutes, however, all the guards suddenly pulled back. "Snake, what's going on? Why are they pulling back?" asked Campbell as he ran up to him. Big Boss noticed he was nursing a gunshot wound in his shoulder.

"I-I'm not sure, Roy," said Big Boss as he pulled out his knife, along with some styptic and disinfectant. "Here, hurry and get that wound treated. We need to get in there and find out what...."

A low rumbling and the sound similar to that of a tank approaching filled the air, and it was coming from the way they had come. "Oh, what is...." Big Boss began, but he and his teammates immediately fell silent when they say what was coming: a new version of the Shagohod.

The sound of rockets from within the base made the four of them look back. Something was flying toward them, and Big Boss almost had a heart attack when he saw what it was: a rebuilt Metal Gear Raxa. "Oh, we are screwed!" cried Campbell, the Raxa landing with a monstrous thud a few feet away. "Snake barely beat these monsters the first time, and now BOTH of them at once!?"

"And we don't have much ammo for our RPG-7," said Ocelot nervously, holding up the launcher.

"Give it here," said Big Boss quickly. "We can't do a thing to the Shagohod as long as the back end is still attached, but the other one, maybe we...."

Big Boss grabbed the RPG-7 just as the Raxa opened fire with its machine guns, forcing them all to scatter. Then the Shagohod unleashed some of its missiles. Big Boss's partners destroyed all the incoming missiles with machine gun fire, giving him a chance to move in on the Raxa. He looked through the scope, centering its closest leg in his crosshairs. He was about to fire, but the hideous screeching of metal distracted him for a second. "Snake, I think I know what happened to Para-Medic," said Ocelot suddenly.

"Wha?" breathed Big Boss, looking behind him. The sight that greeted him was the biggest shock of all. The Shagohod was being lifted up from its back end...by what looked like a gigantic Para-Medic; she was naked except for a large tarp used for covering aircraft, wrapped around her like a makeshift dress.

All four Fox-Hound members stared in utter amazement as their now-gargantuan comrade continued to hold up the back of the Shagohod. Para-Medic gritted her teeth and grunted as she kept up her efforts. And then, with one ear-splitting shriek, she used every ounce of strength she had to flip the Shagohod over onto its back.

However, Para-Medic didn't stop there. Once the Shagohod was flipped over, she stomped across the field over to the Raxa. Big Boss could only look on in wonder as this towering, colossal thing moved with grace and speed that belied her size. She grabbed hold of the Raxa before it could fire any of its weapons, then ran back to the toppled Shagohod. With another ferocious cry, she lifted the Raxa over her head and brought it down onto the Shagohod. Both nuke-hauling tanks exploded on impact.

Para-Medic stood over the smoldering, smoking remains of the Shagohod and Raxa. She looked down at her fellow Fox-Hound members. "H-Hi," she said to them, smiling timidly and waving down at them. The four of them cautiously approached Para-Medic, both confused and more than just a little bit nervous. By all means, this still looked like their partner, but the fact that she grown to a height of perhaps over a hundred feet, and was now towering over all of them...it was more than enough to unnerve anyone.

Once again, Ocelot broke the silence, asking the question on everyone's mind. "Uhh, Para-Medic, just what happened?"

In the faint moonlight, Big Boss could see the expression on Para-Medic's huge face, and realized she was just as confused as they were. "I-I'm not really sure," she said at length, her voice echoing everywhere. "Some canister of weird red goo in the lab got shattered and splattered all over me during that firefight. Next thing I know...I'm suddenly growing, bursting right out of my clothes and...." She trailed off, looking down at her barely-covered body. "It's just lucky I found this, otherwise...."

Big Boss shook his head, trying to keep dirty thoughts from entering his mind. Now was not the time for that. Maybe later.

"Oh, and about the mission, well...what I was trying to warn you about was the Shagohod and Raxa, But that's taken care of," Para-Medic went on. "Oh, and as for infiltrating the base...I don't think there's much of a base left to infiltrate," she finished sheepishly, her expression an odd mix of embarrassment and satisfaction.

Big Boss looked over to the base, seeing that most of the watchtowers were now gone, and noticed many plumes of billowing smoke. He could only guess what kind of havoc the giant Para-Medic had wrought upon the base. Big Boss turned back to Para-Medic, and noticed for the first time that the soles of her feet were coated in a glistening red liquid. He didn't need to guess what that meant.

As Big Boss was trying to get over the bizarreness of what had happened, Para-Medic spoke up again. "This is just too weird to be real," she said. "It's like that movie Attack of the 50-Foot Woman, where...."

Big Boss shook his head. Ugh, even at times like this, she goes on and on about movies, he thought morosely, looking at the ground.

Some silly laughter made him look back up. Several enemy soldiers had reappeared, but they were all...distracted. They were all standing right underneath Para-Medic, looking right up her makeshift dress. Little pink hearts floated around their heads as they giggled like schoolchildren. "Uh-oh," said Big Boss, looking up at Para-Medic's face. It was hard to tell in the moonlight, but her face looked redder...oh, and her face was now one of volcanic fury that would've scared the entire Cobra Unit shitless.

"You boys want to look at a girl's privates!?" Para-Medic thundered, looking down at the soldiers. "Well then, here's an up close and personal look!!" And with that, Para-Medic jumped up and landed on her rear, crushing all the enemy soldiers underneath her big butt.

Her four Fox-Hound comrades were all knocked off their feet by the shockwave. They stared blankly at Para-Medic as she sat there, breathing heavily and still looking mortified. "You think this would be a bad time to tell her about that hole in the wall of the womens' shower?" asked Campbell coyly.

Once again, Big Boss proved how he was the last to know about these sort of things. "What hole?" he asked.

"Oh, there's this hole some of us have used to...." Campbell began, but Jaeger made the tactically sound move of grabbing him and clamping his big fat mouth shut.

"Well, any idea what we should do now?" Jaeger asked delicately as he held onto the struggling Campbell.

Big Boss looked back up at Para-Medic, noticing that the tarp was starting to slide off of her, coming dangerously close to revealing more than would ever be allowed for an M-rated game. Para-Medic noticed this too, and quickly pulled the tarp back up. "How about getting me something a little less revealing to wear!?" she suggested in her booming voice.

"Ugh, I have no idea how to write a mission report for this," Big Boss said as he kept looking up at Para-Medic, now definitely sure her face had turned red.

"I look forward to reading it," said Ocelot as he twirled his revolvers again, never taking his eyes off Para-Medic. Big Boss just shook his head.

---

(AN: This next part has minor spoilers for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But then, if you're a true Harry Potter fan, you got the copy you reserved a year in advance on July 21th, then rushed home to speed-read it in less than ten hours while on the can and sipping sport-shakes from a hat, damnit.)

Hermione lazily sat in an armchair in the middle of the Burrow's living room. It was still early in the morning, and she was still in her pajamas as she looked at - believe it or not - a laptop computer. However, whatever she was looking at didn't interest her one bit. "Oh, what a load of crap!" she suddenly exclaimed, chucking the laptop aside.

"OWW!!" came a squeal of pain. Hermione and everyone else in the room turned to see that the laptop had hit Kreacher square in the face.

"Uhhh, oops," said Hermione, her voice full of embarrassment. Kreacher wandered off into the kitchen, muttering something under his breath that would no doubt never be printed in a Harry Potter book. Hermione just sulked in her chair, still looking mortified. Meanwhile, Ron and Neville sat at the table playing Wizard's chess, Ginny and Harry were both tending to their broomsticks, and Luna sat on the couch, trying to piece back together that freaky-ass headress that was somehow supposed to be a recreation of Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem.

It was now summertime, months after the final defeat of Voldemort. Of course, when there's no evil overlord to overthrow, life can get pretty damn boring, as was evidenced by Hermione's unusual choice of killing time. Furthermore, the six of them and Kreacher were the only ones in the house. Why the Weasleys would leave their two youngest children alone in a house with their significant others is beyond me. Bad parenting, I'd say.

"Uh, Hermione, what was with that computer anyway?" asked Ron.

"Oh, that. Well, it was something my parents bought me last year. They thought I could use it to keep in touch and other stuff. But I hardly ever used it. It's not like I could've done a Google search for Horcruxes or anything like that," Hermione explained. "I've just been bored out of my skull lately, so I've been seeing if I can hack into secure databases and stuff, just for something to do. And I just found something in the American Pentagon's files that's quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever read."

"The...Pentagon's?" asked Harry dubiously.

"It's basically this military installation in the U.S." said Hermione.

"I knew that already," said Harry. "I'm just amazed that you could actually hack into THAT. When did you learn to do that sort of thing?"

"Oh, I sort of taught myself yesterday," said Hermione matter-of-factly, as if there was nothing uncanny about that. Harry and Ron just shook their heads. It was scary how intelligent Hermione was sometimes.

"Well, what'd you find?" inquired Ginny.

"Something about how around twenty years ago, an American spy on a mission in some mercenary nation got exposed to some chemical or something. And the next thing she knew, she was suddenly growing bigger and bigger, until she was able to single-handedly raze the entire nation to the ground," Hermione told them. "Utterly ridiculous, I tell you. Just like some of these other classified files I dug up."

"What other files?" asked Harry.

"Oh, mission reports of this group called Fox-Hound. One saying that that huge earthquake in southern Africa three years ago was really caused by a secret base that self-destructed...a base that was housing some weapon called 'Metal Gear' that could've destroyed the world. And then there was another file, talking about this new nation called Zanzibar Land...."

Hermione's voice trailed off as she noticed how interested everyone else now looked. "But it's utter rubbish, I can't believe a word of them. Especially that part about that spy suddenly growing to monstrous proportions. I mean, even in the Wizarding world there's nothing that can cause growth like THAT."

"Oh yes there is," Luna piped up suddenly for the first time in hours. Hermione let out a sigh, because she, along with everyone else, knew she was about to spout off one of her crazy theories. "It's called the Amazoness's Draught. It's very difficult to make, because the main ingredient is the pus from the polyps that grow from the Brazilian Blunkbustering Snapdragon, and the polyps only form once every five years. Other hard-to-get ingredients are breast milk from a veela, pickled testicles from a thestral, along with...."

"Uhh, so you're saying that potion is for real?" Ginny cut in quickly, obviously not wanting to hear about any more ingredients.

"Oh yes, Daddy even thinks he's successfully brewed it. And we were able to salvage the jar from the wreckage of our house. Actually, Daddy's asked me to keep it safe for him while our home is rebuilt," said Luna. She then reached into her robes and pulled out a jar full of some viscous red goo. "If we can prove the potion really works, it'll top all our articles on the Crumple-Horned Snorkark for sure!"

Everyone else in the room stared at the jar. "So...you think that stuff actually works?" asked Ron.

"Well, I haven't had the courage to test it yet," said Luna.

"Uhh, why do YOU have to test it?" inquired Harry.

"Well, like the name sort of implies, it only works on cells of a female," explained Luna.

"Ugh, how utterly preposterous! Something like that would violate Golpalott's Fifth Postulate and...and besides, being that big wouldn't really do much good, if you think about it. It'd be impossible to hold a wand, for one thing, and, and...." Hermione ranted.

"Well, at least one of us could've mowed down Voldemort's entire army of giants single-handedly. That would've been helpful," interjected Ginny. "And this reminds me...I remember hearing somewhere that there are actually guys out there who get turned on by the concept of a giant woman."

"Oh that is BEYOND grotesque," muttered Hermione with a shudder. "What kind of freak would want that? Come to think of it, I'd be too scared to find out what most men are turned on by, anyway," she said, addressing Ginny and Luna. "I've read that men think about sex every five seconds. Do we really want to know what goes on in men's minds?"

One can only wonder how Hermione would react if she knew Ron was now trying to imagine what it would be like if she was over a hundred feet tall and wearing her Hogwarts uniform, just to get a look up her skirt. And should we tell them that at that moment, Harry was trying to picture Ginny in nothing but her bra and panties, holding handcuffs and a can of whipped cream, and that Neville was fantasizing about being bound to a tree with Devil's Snare while Luna approached in a dominatrix outfit and cracking a whip? Nah.

Eventually, though, the three of them were able to get over their brief, freaky daydreams. Ron and Neville then went back to their chess game. "Rook to H6," Neville ordered.

However, the chess piece didn't hesitate to voice its opinion. "Are you BLIND!? His bishop would wipe me out, and then his rook and knight would have an open field! Dumbass!" And with that, the rook threw its mace right at Neville's forehead. And with enough force to knock him out of his chair, just as Kreacher walked back in with a tea tray. Neville toppled over Kreacher, teacups went flying everywhere...and one flew across the room and knocked the jar of Amazoness's Draught right out of Luna's hands.

"Oh crap, I got it!" yelled Ginny, noticing what had happened. Hermione and Luna ran to catch the jar as well, but all three girls ended up colliding with each other and fell to the ground. And wouldn't you know it, the jar broke open right next to where they lay crumpled in a heap, splattering the red goo all over them.

Harry, Ron and Neville watched apprehensively as the girls got back up, covered in the potion. "This...could be a problem," said Ron nervously.

"Well, it's not like that potion really works...does it?" asked Neville.

"Of course it doesn't!" snapped Hermione as she stood back up. "Since when do any of the Lovegoods' wildly fantastic stories ever turn out to be true!?" she went on, not even trying to be polite for Luna's sake.

"*cough* Deathly Hallows *cough*" muttered Harry softly.

"Oh, that was completely different and you know it! How can...." But her words trailed off when she looked over to Ron...and found that she was eye-level with him.

"Uhh, you were saying?" Neville offered delicately.

"What...how c-can...." Hermione spluttered. A sudden tearing sound made her look down. She was starting to outgrow her pajamas, which were now coming apart at the seams. The buttons started popping off one by one. She looked back up, realizing she was now at least a head taller than Harry and Ron. Harry glanced over at Luna and Ginny, and saw they were now growing as well.

For a few seconds, Hermione remained paralyzed with shock. But then, feminine instinct took over. "AUGHHH! Out, OUT!!" she screamed, and grabbed both Harry and Ron by their necks and bodily threw them through the window before she burst out of her pajamas completely. Neville was hurled through the window a second later.

The three of them got back up and looked back toward the Burrow. The whole house was shaking, and a cacophony of crashing and banging sounds came from inside. It wasn't long before Hermione's enormous head burst through the roof; also, her legs shot through the wall, and the three narrowly avoided getting clobbered by her massive foot as it shot out toward them. Likewise, Ginny and Luna's heads smashed through the roof, and their arms and legs shot out of the walls as well.

For several long, agonizing minutes, no one said anything. Harry and the others just stared up at their now giant-sized friends and what remained of the Burrow...oh, and they were more than a little unnerved that if the walls hadn't remained intact, they'd get the biggest display of full-frontal ever. Well, except for Ron. He must've been thinking that he'd have to gouge his eyes out if he saw his sister naked.

It was Ginny who finally broke the silence. "'Utterly preposterous,' you said? 'A load of crap,' was it?" she said scythingly to Hermione.

"Oh, BITE ME!!" Hermione retorted.

"Well, it looks like Daddy's successfully brewed the Amazoness's Draught after all," said Luna calmly, as is nothing was amiss. Hermione looked like she was ready to slap Luna silly, and if she wasn't undoubtedly terrified that the slightest movement would cause the wall to crumble away, she probably would have.

"Yes, it appears your daddy's successfully brewed the Amazoness's Draught after all," Hermione parroted mockingly, her voice so loud it made the boys below wince. "Now, do you think your daddy can brew us, oh I don't know...AN ANTIDOTE!?"

"Uhh, there really is no antidote," said Luna matter-of-factly. "We'll just have to wait a few hours before it wears off."

Hermione blanched. "You mean, we're stuck like this for the next few hours!?" she thundered.

"At least it's not permanent," Ginny said. "This could be worse, you know."

"I fail to see how!" Hermione shot back. "We're all at least a hundred feet tall, completely naked, forced to sit inside the Burrow for hours lest we give our friends down there the biggest strip show ever...and any minute your parents might be back and find their home totaled!"

"Uh, well, Mum's visiting Andromeda Tonks today and Dad'll be busy at the Ministry all day," explained Ginny, "so with any luck, we can wait this out without anyone stopping by the Burrow."

But since when has Lady Luck ever been with these kids? Today would prove no exception, for right then, someone walked right up to the Harry, Ron and Neville. And frankly, it was one of the last people they wanted to show up at a time like this, or ever.

"Hey, Weasley, I'm back," came the voice of Draco Malfoy. Ron turned to the voice, wide-eyed with surprise and nervousness. Draco was holding his broomstick in one hand and a stack of magazines in the other; miraculously, he seemed blissfully unaware of the three giant witches sitting in the Burrow's remains. "Here's the stack of Witches Gone Wild you rented out to me," said Draco, handing the stack over to Ron. "You got the newest one yet?"

"HEY! Keep it down!" Ron exclaimed fearfully. "If Hermione hears about that, it'll be the Headless Hunt for me! And in case you didn't notice, I've got BIG problems in that department already!"

"What's...this about?" asked Harry delicately.

"Oh, nothing much Potter. It's just that we my family practically under house arrest, I've been bored out of my mind. And with everything delivered to our manor being sorted through, well, can't have anything embarrassing mailed," said Draco. "So Weasley, in the doghouse again? What'd you do to piss off Granger this time? Why didn't you take my advice and buy something for Granger with that money? That sort of thing worked after getting on Pansy's bad side yesterday; I offered to wash her pet cat and one misspoken incantation later I somehow neutered it."

"Uh, thanks for sharing that with us, Malfoy," said Ron blankly. "But in this case, your advice won't help much."

"Oh and why not? What's got Granger's panties in a bunch this time?" demanded Draco. Harry, Ron and Neville all pointed up at the Burrow. When Draco finally saw the three giantesses, he went white as a sheet. "Oh, crap," he said dryly as all three girls stared down at him; Hermione in particular was glaring at him quite intently.

"OK girls, let's put it to a vote. Should I or should I not mash Malfoy?" asked Hermione wickedly. Draco, meanwhile, was still rooted to the spot.

"Nah, I think we should leave him alone," said Ginny. "I mean, he's been talking about you for almost a minute and has yet to say 'Mudblood'. That's...that's progress."

Hermione turned to Luna. "Well, I'm not sure," she said in that dreamy tone. "I suppose we can't let him run off, he might tell someone about us...."

"Two against one!" exclaimed Hermione evilly. And with that, she raised one leg and brought her heel down on top of Draco, flattening him underneath it. "I always wanted to do this," she said with a nasty grin.

Harry looked over to Hermione's huge foot. All that could be seen of Draco was his head poking out from underneath her heel. "Words...can't describe...how painful this is...or how smelly," he croaked, pitifully looking up at Harry.

If the situation they faced wasn't so absurdly bizarre and yet serious, Harry might've found that amusing. But then, he remembered something else. "Wait a minute, where's Kreacher?" asked Harry, finally realizing they had all forgotten about the house-elf. "Kreacher!"

Kreacher promptly Apparated next to the group, but he looked not unlike roadkill. "Master...c-called?" he croaked weakly.

"Uh, where were you?" Harry asked delicately.

"P-pinned under...Miss Lovegood's left a-asscheek...." Kreacher spluttered.

"Oh, I thought I felt something down there," said Luna absentmindedly. Harry slapped his face and shook his head. "How can this possibly get any worse?" he grumbled.

Lo and behold, it was about to. He looked back up at Ginny - admittedly, it was hard to keep his eyes off her at the moment - and noticed the look of mortification on her face. "Uh-oh, guys, we've got trouble," she said meekly.

"What is it NOW!?" demanded Hermione impatiently.

"How to explain this...well, before coming home a few hours ago, I was with Dad on that trip in America. Someplace in that state called Louisiana. I tried some of the local Muggle food, extra-spicy blackened cajun chicken with a huge side of baked beans, and now it's not sitting that well, and...."

Hermione's face went wide-eyed with horror, sentiments echoed by all the boys below. "Ginny, no! You'd better not...."

And from as far away as the remains of the Lovegood home, one could hear the long, drawn-out noise that was unmistakably a fart.

"AHHH!!!!" screamed Harry as he covered his face in a desperate attempt to block out the foul odor, Ron and Neville following suit. Hermione and Luna's faces were screwed up in disgust as well, but they didn't dare try to cover their faces, still not wanting to risk causing to walls to crumble.

Draco was denied the luxury of covering his face as well. "Ugh, and you wonder why people are aghast at the idea of you jumping in bed with her, Potter!" Draco muttered from underneath Hermione's foot. "Ergh, at times like this, I believe Muggles say, 'Light a match or something!'"

"Actually, that's a good idea," agreed Ron, pulling out his wand.

"NO!!" screamed Harry.

But it was too late. "Incendio!" said Ron.

And from as far away as the remains of the Lovegood home, a huge, billowing mushroom cloud could be seen rising into the morning sky.

And that, my friends, is the explosive epilogue many believe J.K. Rowling should've written instead.

---

Kyle Broflovski glared at his computer screen with a look of absolute revulsion on his face. "Oh, what in God's name is this crap!?" he shouted disbelievingly, staring in disgust at the screen.

Stan Marsh wandered into the room. "What's up, Kyle? Don't tell me you found yet another video of Cartman's mom."

"Ay! I'll kick YOU in the NUTS!" bellowed Eric Cartman from the other room.

"No, thank God. It's just this...I dunno, I was just killing time, surfing around, and I don't know how but I stumbled onto this thing written by some sick-ass Harry Potter fan."

"So? The Internet is full of crap like that," said Stan, shrugging his shoulders. "What's so extra-sucky about this thing?"

"It was written by this guy who has quite possibly the sickest fetish ever. Something about liking girls that grow giant-sized. I mean, what kind of messed-up freak goes for something like that? Or bothers to write these stories about that. And I swear, Harry Potter fans have WAAAY too much time on their hands!" Kyle clicked on the mouse and brought up something else. "Look at this! Some crossover with Metroid that's over 200,000 words long! Who the hell wastes their time cooking this crap up!?"

"I think we can all agree he's a sad, pitiful little man with no life whatsoever," said Stan. "Now screw it, let's all go outside and start sledding or something. I'm not sure, but I think your baby brother just made a dookie, so let's scram."

And so, they went outside, along with Eric Cartman and their other friend, Kenny McCormick. "So, what'll it be?" asked Stan. "Sledding, snowball fight...."

"Nah, I'm in no mood for a snowball fight," Cartman cut in.

"Which is probably because you don't have any pee handy for pissballs," said Stan darkly. Kenny mumbled something, possibly in agreement, but since he wears that damn hood all the time, no one could really understand him. "What about you, Kyle? What d'you want to do?" he asked Kyle. But when he looked back, he saw that Kyle seemed to be lost in thought. "Dude?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Kyle said quickly. "It's just that I can't get that thing I read out of my head. About how some people fantasize about giant girls running around and stuff. It's just wrong."

"Dude, I hear you. Remember that whole mess with Barbara Streisand? Hopefully we'll never have to put up with crap like that again," said Stan.

But of course, as soon as those words were out of his mouth, deafening crashes and explosions filled the air. The four disturbed little children looked around in confusion, just in time to see a missile streaking down the street. They all scattered in time, then looked up. "No...freakin'...way," said Kyle as nuetrally as he could.

Stomping down the street was a Metal Gear Ray...or rather, THE Metal Gear Ray, as evidenced by the fact it had a tail. And it fired off its weapons at a gigantic Princess Peach Toadstool, who was backing away from the Ray, trying to swat away the missiles.

"Dude, that is PRETTY GODDAMN FUCKED-UP right there!" exclaimed Stan as the titanic princess and the Metal Gear drew nearer.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" came the maniacal laughter of Liquid Ocelot from the Ray's cockpit. "And now, my dear, it's bathtime!" The Ray's 'mouth' opened up, and Liquid Ocelot fired off its water cannon at Peach. But Peach pulled a frying pan with the diameter of a city bus out of nowhere and used it as a shield. The four boys groaned as huge globs of deflected water came raining down on them. Eventually, the stream of water abated, and Peach moved in with her frying pan and clobbered the Ray with all the strength she could muster.

"'We'll never have to put up with crap like that again,'" parroted Kyle as they watched Princess Peach pound away at the Ray. "Damnit, why does this sort of crap always happen here in South Park!? And I ask again, what kind of sick freak would find this sort of thing sexy!? Am I right guys?"

"Kyle, see for yourself," said Cartman darkly, pointing over at Kenny. Kenny was just staring unblinkingly up at Peach, with little pink hearts floating around his head.

"Oh, no. No way," said Kyle blankly. "Kenny, I don't think we can be your friends anymore." But Kenny wasn't paying any attention as he watched the clash of titans unfold. Then, he suddenly sprinted back into Kyle's house, rushing back out with a digital camera and camcorder a few seconds later. He ran out into the street yelling something incomprehensible. "You think you know someone," Kyle muttered as Kenny started recording the fight and snapped pictures with wild abandon.

"Looks like you've got some admirers!" taunted Liquid Ocelot. The Ray ducked and swung around on one foot, lashing out with its tail. Peach hopped backward just in time to avoid it. Unfortunately for her new fan, when she landed, her heel came right down on top of Kenny, squashing him like a grape and splattering blood everywhere on the street.

Peach stared down in shock at the red splotch that was once Kenny, mortified by her mistake. "Don't worry about it too much, my dear. He comes back for every episode," said Liquid Ocelot.

"OK, who didn't see that coming?" asked Cartman nonchalantly.

"Oh my God, she squashed Kenny!" exclaimed Stan.

"You...BITCH!!!" screamed Kyle, pointing up at the giant Princess Peach.

The only response they got was a turnip as big as a Volkswagon bug being dropped on a van parked nearby, crushing it beyond all repair.

None of the boys said anything for a few agonizing seconds, until Cartman blurted out, "Screw you guys, I'm going home," pointing toward his house and then running like he had sprouted a propeller out of his ass.

"Wait, we'll come with you!!" yelled Kyle and Stan in unison as they ran after him.

---

Mike Nelson shuffled out of the theater with Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot in tow. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God THAT'S over!" he cried out exasperatedly. "I can't remember the last time we had to endure a fic THAT long!"

"Hey, look on the bright side, at least this thing didn't butcher the English language with crappy grammar and misspelling and whatnot," said Tom.

"Oh yes, a well-written and spellchecked piece of fetish shlock," Mike replied sarcastically. "I believe there's a term for something like that: polished turd."

"Well, I'm with Tom on this one. It coulda been worse," said Crow. "It coulda been an Oscarfic."

As soon as Crow said the dreaded O-word, Tom's head exploded, scattering those old Super Mario Bros. 3 cookies everywhere. "Uh, Crow, we all took an oath to NEVER say that word again," said Mike sourly, glaring at Crow as he fished out a spare head for Tom.

"Uh, we did? I thought it was 'Oscar flick,'" replied Crow with mock confusion.

"And this thing was BEYOND random!" exclaimed Mike, attaching the spare head. "That stuff with Harry Potter and South Park at the end!? And that fourth chapter! First you had the Juggernaut, then a couple of Pokemon? At that point, a bunch of Transformers could've shown up and I wouldn't have batted an eye."

"Autobots, we got an oversized Kurdish sniper with a rack that no bra can ever hope to contain. Let's roll out!" said Crow in his best imitation of Optimus Prime's voice.

"Well, at least it was something you weren't supposed to try and think about too hard," said Tom. "And hey, it was certainly one of the most riffable fics we've had in a while. Just ASKING for it. Case in point, remember breaking out into song when poor Johnny Sazaki met his, ahem, END?"

"I like big butts and I cannot lie!" Crow began, and continued to sing that outrageously silly rap song until Mike smacked him upside the head. Crow looked ready to fire back, but a blaring klaxon sounded just then. "Oh great, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are calling," he grumbled.

They walked over to the monitor, and Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank appeared on the screen. "Well now, I see you all survived through that little bit of fetishism with your sanity intact. Pity, I had really thought that one would've done it," sneered Dr. Forrester.

"Bite me. If we can survive Oscarfics, we can survive anything," said Crow as Tom's head exploded again, scattering Pokemon-shaped gummies everywhere. Mike sighed as he fished out yet another spare head and attached it.

"Hmmm, we shall see, beakface," retorted Dr. Forrester. "In any case, sending this fic has given me an inspiration. To broaden the scope of the experiment, so to speak. I've decided to send someone to join you, someone whom would be considered the target audience of your most recent experience."

"You mean someone who actually considers Attack of the 50-Foot Woman a cinematic masterpiece?" asked Mike.

"Precisely. In fact, I searched the author's list of closest friends. I even asked the author a few carefully worded questions in a few e-mails, and believe I found the perfect candidate," said Dr. Forrester with a sly grin. "In fact, I should send him to join you now."

The transmission was cut, and a second later, some transdimensional portal appeared out of nowhere, dumping some lanky guy in his twenties with black hair and glasses onto the deck. "Wow, that author must be clairvoyant. Who know Harry Potter had a thing for big girls too?"

"Crow, shut the hell up," Mike said. He held out his hand for the new arrival. "Welcome to hell, kid. What's your name?"

"Errr, Benjamin Kline, but others know me as Twilight Prince," said the man. "W-Where am I?"

"Weren't you listening, kid? This is all seven of Dante's circles of hell meshed into one," said Crow. Mike and the robots then explained the whole situation of being stuck on the Satellite of Love...and how Dr. Forrester had handpicked him as his new guinea pig.

You know how they say that in space, no one can hear you scream?

It's a goddamn lie.

"GREY!!!" bellowed Twilight Prince, his voice echoing outside the Satellite of Love. "GREYYYYYY!!!"

---

Meanwhile, on the beaches of Uruguay, there sat a slightly stocky Latino man in his mid-twenties, with glasses and his hair pulled back into a ponytail. He stared at his laptop screen with acute interest, grinning evilly. "Oh Grey, ain't he a stinker?" he asked no one in particular.

Or did he? A shadow suddenly loomed over him, making him look up. "What is it, Razor Knight?" asked a sweet, angelic voice." He looked out to see the face of Ritz (of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance fame) filling the entire sky above him. Yeah, you get the jist by now, she's building-sized too.

"Oh, it's just that it never ceases to amaze me, how Grey's mouth can cause so much trouble," replied Razor. Just then, others peered over to listen in. An equally colossal Amy Rose and Roll listened attentively to what Razor had to say. "Poor Grey, always screwing up no matter how hard he tries to avoid it," Razor went on.

"I'm wondering, though...why didn't he recommend that Cinder guy?" asked Amy.

"Oh, I bet he almost did," agreed Razor. "But it's probably a good thing he didn't get picked. Otherwise, if Cinder somehow got out and found out how Dr. Forrester singled him out, he'd go apeshit crazy with a burst of nuclear fury that'd make the Human Torch look like a lighted fart in comparison." The three girls could only nod in agreement.

"But that thing Grey wrote, it probably deserved to be MSTed," said Ritz. "I mean, it just sounds so tasteless. Way too many jokes about farts and peeking up girls' skirts and breasts and whatnot. Yeah, WAAY too many jokes about breasts."

"Nah. It's doesn't sound like it's too out of step with other Metal Gear humor stories, or humor fics in general," said Roll.

"Well, I suppose you'd think that jokes about breasts aren't a big deal," replied Ritz. "After all, who's the one who's world famous for knocking Onslaught senseless with her hoo-hahs?" she asked slyly.

Roll looked about ready to knock Ritz's head off. Fortunately (or unfortunately, if you were hoping for yet another clash of titanesses), Razor intervened. "Ladies, ladies, please. We're here on vacation, remember?" he pleaded. "And besides, I called you all here to help me get Grey's next project off the ground."

"Eh? What's that?" asked Amy.

---

Ritz now lay on the sand, a ramp set up at the top of her head and another set up by her feet. And about a hundred feet from the ramp by her feet stood Razor, mounting some sort of motorcycle and wearing a replica Master Chief helmet. "Your own version of Jackass? You gotta be kidding!" cried Amy in disbelief as Razor revved up the engine.

"I kid you not," said Razor. "These are always good for a few quick laughs."

Roll squinted, looking down at Razor. "Isn't that motorcycle the...."

"Same one Cloud used in Final Fantasy VII?" Razor finished for her. "Yeah."

"But I thought you hated Final Fantasy VII," said Amy, confused.

"I do. But the only other stuff available on such short notice was some of the stuff Shadow used in that new Sonic game, and I hated that even more," explained Razor. Amy looked ready to grab Razor, but Roll put a hand on her shoulder and shook her head.

"Can we hurry this up?" asked Ritz heatedly, lifting up her head to glare at Razor. There's a bit of a breeze and lying on the beach like this is getting sand up my skirt."

"Well, if you insist," said Razor simply. Then the cycle roared to life and Razor sped toward the ramp, launching himself off of it. He squealed with delight as he soared over Ritz's gigantic body. "Wooo, this is the greatest thrill of my life!" he cried as he raised his arms into the air. "I'm king of the world! I'm...." But right around then, Razor realized that he was going to come up a little short. "AHHHHH!!!" he screamed as the motorcycle came down....

And he landed smack-dab onto Ritz's right breast.

Amy and Roll just stared for a few seconds, half-shocked and half-disgusted. Ritz lifted her head again to look at Razor with a look that suggested she was half a breath away from flicking Razor off of her. "Well...of all the places on her to land," said Roll delicately.

"Could be worse. If Razor had tried to jump over Tifa instead and landed on HER rack, he'd have bounced off and landed somewhere in the Algo system," said Amy.

Ritz gently poked Razor with her finger, but he didn't stir the slightest bit. "Uhhh, am I allowed to move him?" she asked. "It's kinda...creepy having him just lying there."

A few minutes later, a helicopter was airlifting Razor to the nearest hospital. Ritz sat up, watching as the stretcher Razor was strapped to rose higher and higher. "Think he'll be OK?" she asked.

"Who knows?" replied. And so, the three giant game girls just sat there on the beach, looking bored out of their minds. Eventually Amy spoke up again. "So...that's it, isn't it? This is done and over with, right?"

"I guess so. I hope so. It should be. I mean, I think this thing should be nearing 300 kilobytes by now," said Roll.

"Yeah, this thing's gone on way too long. And I doubt any more random, stupid stuff can be crammed into this thing as it is," agreed Ritz. But just then, high overhead, the three girls could hear the sound of a cable snapping, followed by the sound of Razor's girlish scream of terror. The three girls looked up, only to see Razor's stretcher falling fast...and it landed right in Ritz's cleavage. "I...stand corrected," muttered Ritz, turning red.

THE END

Somewhere, the insane voice of Liquid Ocelot cried out, "That's what you think! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

IS IT REALLY THE END?

Yes it is.

---

And now, before we part for good, a quick rundown of all the movie references that permeated this fic. This was deliberate, since Hideo Kojima's a movie buff and all.

-The whole thing with Kim Jong-Il was sort of a spoof of Team America: World Police.
-And the snake skull and crossbones on the computer screen during that scene was a jab at Indepedence Day.
-The shaking water in the glasses at the end of Chapter 1 was a nod to Jurassic Park, as was the 'OBJECTS IN MIRROR' message in Chapter 2.
-When Snake and Otacon took turns using the gas mask in Chapter 3, that was kinda a small nod to that scene with Sarah and John Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
-The whole thing with the Juggernaut was, of course, inspired by the infamous 'I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!' parodies, which in turn inspired that one line in X-Men 3.
-Oh, and that sea turtle that Charizard threw across the city...that was for the Kurdish film Turtles Can Fly, which dealt with what went on in certain parts of Iraq right before the U.S. invasion in 2003. Since I never actually saw the movie, I had to settle for making fun of the title.
-Of course, everyone should've gotten the thing with the Minish re-enacting Braveheart.
-And in Chapter 6, the Minish tactics paralleled the antics of the Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, but you already knew that.
-In addition, the name of that chapter (Dare To Be Stupid) was a Weird Al Yankovich song used for the 1986 animated Transformers movie. And the scene with the snake rising behind three Minish running in slow motion was a stab at the new live-action Transformers movie. For some reason, that was the one scene from the trailers that stuck in everyone's head.
-Otacon arriving in the helicopter at just the right time and letting Sailor Moon have it was a jab at The Matrix, which deserves to be made fun of.
-And in perhaps the most blatant spoof of all, Sailor Moon climbing the Tokyo Tower and falling off was a parody of the ending to King Kong.
-Lastly, when my buddy screamed my name for all the galaxy to hear...yep, that was a blatant cop of the "KHAN!" scene in Star Trek II.

Now, I don't think I need to explain all the game references, Metal Gear in-jokes or the nods to Simpsons and Family Guy. But there were a couple of extra-geeky references that probably went over many heads. The song that played when Big Boss inadvertently accessed the sound test is the theme for the Angry Video Game Nerd, who's well-known for making video reviews of terrible NES games. And that thing about 'Oscarfics'...once upon a time, there was a guy called Oscar who wrote some of the most horrid Sailor Moon fics ever, and were unsurprisingly the target of many an MSTer. Both AVGN's videos and these classic MSTs were inspirations for me taking a stab at humor, so what's why I made those nods to them.

And, that's it,
Grey-X