Alright so, from the first chapter I can say that description has been massively overhauled. Sometimes in other stories you feel like it’s the same old same stuff, here there is similes and analogies and stuff to make the writing itself interesting. Perhaps it’s a benefit of this type of story where the writing itself is tested more-so than plot or characters. But regardless, it’s safe for me to say you nailed this aspect. 

Your narrative voice is really well done, it feels natural to read through. Again, something smashed out of the park.

You’ve asked for goods and bad though. So for improvements, I think you need to be careful about “word vomit”. A case where there’s too much description and it’s not adding anything as it’s not relevant. Now, you haven’t actually fallen into this trap this chapter, but there are moments where the reader may feel tempted to zone out as some sections may need greater emphasis as sections feel like word vomit, it’s just something worth noting for the future. However, to this extent, is only such a minor issue. You’ve honestly done an amazing job. I do hope to see more on characters soon though.

Remarkable. This is exactly what I come to this platform for. Nice work! Can’t wait for the next chapters!

More detail is always what I say. Would love more pov from Tim. So far awesome start and can't wait to see how this grows. I hope they develop a relationship.

You have a terrific story, but your story procession is kind of out of whack.

It kind of reads he went from between her thighs, almost from her knees, to up between her breasts as if one on the same motion.  There was no transition, it simply happened.  Somewhat confusing for the reader to imagine a movement from her inner thighs to her chest.  That's a big difference of the female body.

Other than the biological contentions, this is such a great story.  I can't wait to read more.

Please continue the great work.