Date: September 13 2020 5:06 AM Title: The Incident
I find the concept from the summary interesting, I understand that you are trying to set up the world in chapters 1,2 and I love how detailed your description is but even after reading through both chapters twice I felt that there is a lot of parts which can be shortened as they are dumping a lot of information which are not needed, it is alright to have them but I feel that there is too many of them.
For example in the paragraph which starts with Brad blissfully extended...
There is a portion which states that his house lies just outside of the inner city and it is a 20 minutes walk, I feel that there is no point in including both as either one already tells us that it is a short walk. Also I doubt that this info will be relevant in the future chapters(From the end of chapter 2 I assume he is transferred to some other location) so you could just gloss over it(along with a lot of other information which does not expand on the character or is relevant in the story).
This is just my suggestion, I am not a writer and I wouldn't say that my opinion is right.
Anyways I can't wait for the next chapter, thanks for the story.
I totally get your criticism about the shortening of the chapters as well as arbitrary information. Part of the reason why I add some unnecessary details is because I feel like it gives some authenticity to the story and characters. I'm trying to make the world feel more real, but I can get how that makes the pacing of the story drag. For specifically the section that states his house is a 20-minute walk, I was giving context to why he walks from his house to work/school in Davenport. Anyways, thanks for the review!