Date: January 31 2013 6:18 PM Title: Natalie's Second Identity
The sudden change in her personality was unexpected and I didn't think it would happen. It seems out of character after what has gone on in the previous chapters.
Date: January 31 2013 6:14 PM Title: Body Adventure
Here:
I heard a lick
You mean click, surely. That's all because I mentioned the lack of speech marks previously.
Date: January 31 2013 6:10 PM Title: The Tests
When Natalie speaks you're often forgetting speech marks, and here:
She then proceded, to my protests
I think the wording is awkward. Perhaps you should say "ignoring my protests".
Date: January 31 2013 6:07 PM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
I feel this will be a good story, although I think things are moving too quickly and you need to work on your formatting. You should split up the dialouge so that there is a new line when different character speaks.
Date: November 06 2008 7:03 PM Title: Natalie's Second Identity
interesting. hope you continue this.
Date: May 27 2008 9:58 PM Title: Natalie's Second Identity
You have all the time you need in the world. Use Microsoft Word to write the story, save when you're finished and come back to it later to extend it. That way, you can make a chapter longer. Time can't always be an excuse. People won't mind if it takes a week for a new chapter to form. We can wait (Well I can. Dwarf Fortress!)
Keep up the good work and remember, those making bad reviews are trying to help you (or they're disturbed) and those are making good reviews are also trying to help you (or they're disturbed)
[Report This]Date: May 27 2008 3:30 PM Title: Body Adventure
So Kyle was dropped into the breast itself by the growing hole? (As we know, the breasts hold milk, so they would most likely be hollow somewhere) Is that what's implied?
If this is true, then I like the idea. But also, if the hole resealed, how could she reach in and grab him out?
If you want to make it open, good idea, although I think you need to keep writing. Perhaps make the chapters longer. You need to expand on the body adventure. Perhaps a more "inner" body adventure is in order (but don't try it if you don't want to. Some people have tried and it wasn't very good (to me))
Also, avoid Toilet at all costs.
Author's Response:
Well, What I meant to happen is that it didn't really seal, it just got coverd by the skin. Kinda like if a you squeezed your stomach together. over your belly button. (Sorry I can't think of another example) It covers the hole but doesn't seal it. And about the "inner" adventure I might put that in the next one, if I can make it fit in the story line. The chapters are short because I don't usally get a time long enough to write a big one. Toilets. Yeah I'm not going there because that's just disgusting.
Damn, that's a long response.
Date: May 27 2008 2:11 PM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
If people want me too, I'll make this a open series with the only rule being that no main charactors die.
Date: May 25 2008 2:12 AM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
As I said, who really cares about ratings? No one even cares about product copyright either
[Report This]Date: May 25 2008 12:23 AM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
I wasn't complaining. I am liking the story. I just didn't want to see it pulled due to rules of the site. Below is the reason why. Just trying to help.
Rule 6: All stories must be rated correctly and have the appropriate warnings. All adult rated stories are expected to have warnings. After all, they wouldn't have that rating if there wasn't something to be warned about! The site administrators recognize that there is an audience for these stories, but please respect those who do not wish to read them by labeling them appropriately.
Author's Response: Yeah about that... I kinda got carried away I'll change that but really, I put warnings up. Besides a chapter title (if anyone actually reads them) like "Body Adventure" kinda suggests that.
Date: May 24 2008 8:24 PM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
Who really cares about ratings?
I'm confused about the hole as well, but I'm awaiting another chapter... and explanations for things that don't add up... :)
Author's Response: What doesn't add up? Just the hole thing? Also to clarify that Natalie says that she put a solution on them. I could've explained that a bit more. Sorry.
Date: May 24 2008 9:13 AM Title: Kyle meets Natalie
Just two things. I guess this chapter went from R rated to X at the end. Not complaining but you might want to change that...maybe.
Also, I don't understand about the hole opening up in her breast. Can she transform her body?
Author's Response:
"Well, either the're growing because of this solution I put on them" I understand the confusion there. I should have explained that more.