Reviewer: youre_my_slave Signed [Report This]
Date: May 19 2020 8:09 PM Title: Chapter 1: A Fallen Nation

WAIT A MINUTE, I GOT IT. Magic exists in this world as an accepted, if difficult to manipulate, force. Is it possible that some people hit the genetic jackpot and are born with a fuckton of mana (that they might not even be aware of), which, like adrenaline in normal bodies manifests and expresses in stressful or endangering situations?

... Sorry if I potentially ruined a plot twist, I just find it more plausible than something like "lol Teagan wasn't human at all/is a demihuman (like dovahkiin)"

Your worldbuilding is solid, at least to me. And, as it is with many sci-fi/fantasy series, sparks a burning itch. Where did the tomkins come from? They're referred to as "human", is human just a catch-all term for "bipedal hairless ape-creature"? Tomkins are called "invaders", but of what sort, "from another star" style, or "Vikings are on our shore, surrender or die" style? I'd wage the former, given that they're clearly not cut out for the world they inhabit (unlike small animals who rarely survive to maturity and only survive at all by breeding like crazy, tomkins don't seem to do this) and overtook humans by sheer luck and overconfidence of humans (much like the emu war, or the sinking of the titanic). I know Firkon's just a prejudiced motherfucker, but how is using humans as slaves even efficent, considering tomkins consider them lackwitted at best (with a language that's only "grunts and growls"), so apparently no tomkin prior to Sihil has attempted to breach the language barrier (or done so and lived).

Oh. And I'm gonna guess the creepy guy Teagun had to murder's boss was gonna use her as a rape slave. Glad to know even during the apocalypse there are still self serving assholes.

Author's Response:

A perfect guess! After reading the first few chapters, I realized that Teagan was definitely doing inconsistently well compared the rest of humanity, and it made it seem implausible that the tomkins could actually go about their whole conquering humanity business, so I had to think up a way to justify Teagan's against-the-odds survival of every encounter. It's in the next chapter, so no plot twists ruined, but I'm pretty impressed that you guessed that perfectly!

As far as the worldbuilding and such goes, I didn't really have an idea for that when I first started writing, but I definitely can confirm that the tomkins are from a wholly separate world. Oh, and for the war and all that, my idea was basically just that the tomkins won through sheer numerical superiority, although human overconfidence and inexperience definitely would have contributed to their defeat. I would go on to talk about the slave thing, but that's coming up ;)

I didn't really have a concrete idea for the thug's motivations as far as kidnapping Teagan, but given the general unsavory nature of his character, it's not at all unlikely that his boss is any different. As hateable as they are, you gotta love self serving assholes for being great punching bags - perfect for guilt free murder! 

Reviewer: ibris_107 Signed [Report This]
Date: October 13 2018 2:29 PM Title: Chapter 1: A Fallen Nation

Reading how only one woman tramples large squads of tokens, it is also very difficult for me to believe that they could conquer someone by fighting head-on. But if they used a fast-acting poison, and some giants, having been ill, were able to acquire immunity, how about that?

Reviewer: Zetopeach Signed [Report This]
Date: March 05 2017 11:22 PM Title: Chapter 1: A Fallen Nation

I think your doing pretty well. Honestly you uploaded two chapters, one was short and one was long. It's also hard posting anything because the internet is full of well rude people.

Author's Response: Thanks. The first chapter was really sort of an introduction, so most of the other chapters will be closer in length to chapter 2, probably even longer.