Date: November 07 2016 3:36 AM Title: Moving In with Amy
Cool chapter. I must say I loved Maxine. I hope he ends up with her eventually. Greatly looking forward to Amy and I am interested in what you will do with the gerbil cages.
I like the way your mind works.
Thank's Diesel! Yes, this should get very interesting, ...and, quite 'different' too!
Date: November 05 2016 6:56 PM Title: Moving In with Amy
Looks like Billy is headed for some potential trouble! Hopefully Amy doesn't have anything too bad planned for him. Hopefully Jazzy doesn't introduce him to her pet hamster!
One recommendation I have is to use less ellipses. It feels ok when you're in the process of writing (since you're trying to indicate passage of time or a pause), but for the reader, it's almost always better to omit them. Just reads better. Commas and periods are less jarring. Anyway, take it or leave it, just wanted to mention it.
Otherwise, keep up the good work!
I'll try and restrain myself from the persistent use of the ellipse. I love using them, though, I realize that they should be reserved for the most significant situations, but, really, ...it seems so easy to use them to force the reader to slow down, and actually consider what's actually happening...
Sorry dude, ...I really like these three little dots. They make it so easy to expand a sentence and to stop the reader from jumping ahead too quickly, Or, maybe I'm just lazy, and the use of the ellipse allows me to think that I'm using more words than I actually am, ...I'm not too sure, but, I really like using them, ...A lot!
Date: November 05 2016 3:14 PM Title: Moving In with Amy
Yes! Time for Amy! Hopefully, she will live up to my expectations as this sexy, and especially naughty woman.
I thought it was interesting that most of the chapter was on Maxine and Diane just chatting as they prepared to go to Amy's house. Then like the last third of the chapter was about Amy moving in.
Amy's daughter Jazzy seems to represent a problem to me. She is far too young for me to even think of anything sexy for her to do with Billy. I don't care how tall she is, she is still 8 years old.
If she does get any interaction with Billy, I hope it's something similar to "Uh oh. Little man has run away from mommy. Time to give you back" she says. Jazzy then walks into her mom's room and decides where to put Billy. She finds some lace panties on the bed and giggles at what she will do next. She puts Billy inside the panties, but then watches Billy run away from them. "Oh no. Little guy must stay here to please mommy. I don't want to make her sad." Jazzy then takes some tape and wraps Billy around until he was mummified from the neck down. Only his head was free and he look up at Jazzy in fear. "Please Jazzy, let me go." Jazzy replied unfazed. "No. You belong to mommy." She then took a final strip of tape and taped Billy's mummified body to the front of the lace panties. Billy started screaming and Jazzy then took another piece of tape and gently place it over his mouth, silencing him. Jazzy smiled at her work and left.------This is what I hope Jazzy does if she gets involved. Otherwise, I hope it's a one on one session with Amy.
Jazzy is 5 foot 2. Isn't that way too tall? I mean, there are tall 3rd graders, but not that tall. Even I'm just a few inches taller than that.
Well, I can't wait for the next chapter!
Hey, some girls grow pretty tall! I knew a girl in grade school, that was at least a head taller than everybody else in the class until we got into H.S. and even then, she was still taller than all of the other girls, ...she was the 'Star Volleyball Player' Too!
..most of the boys were afraid of her. All she had to do was stand up, and most people would instantly get out of her way. Lol! Thank's Tom!
P.S. Jazzy won't be in anything raunchy, ...so, don't even think about anything like that...