[Report This]Date: September 21 2016 5:33 PM Title: Chapter 8
I still think that it was a great chapter, ...although, you may have tried to jam too much action into it. Also, the idea of Lou actually shrinking herself willingly was a bit over the top...
...if she had never before restored anyone then, maybe upon doing it for the first time, she would have 'unexpectedly' shrunk herself in the act of doing so? You Know? Something like that would have been a bit more comprehensible...
Lou just doesn't seem to be the type to bend so easily, but if she always had the desire to be Alice's toy, then it doe's 'However' make a lot of sense!
So, don't get me wrong, I still think it's very good!
Author's Response:
I agree entirely - it's not quite believable enough to be workable. I'm happy with the series of events and progression, but even as I was reading it, I could sense the poor pacing and how "squished" everything was. I think the solution would be to stretch the action out into two chapters so it doesn't feel quite so rushed.
Thank you very much for your criticism. I think I know exactly I need to do when I go back over this, but I'll move forwards to completion before I attempt any rewriting.
[Report This]Date: September 21 2016 3:52 PM Title: Chapter 8
Whoa, what was that? What happened to Lou? She just squashed Mark, and allowed herself to become Lou's little pet, ...and, restored Emma to her regular size???
How, Why, What... I don't get it?
Next chapter, Alice wakes up alone in her bed. She wonders what became of her little Lou? She thinks back to the dream that she just had, (She was eating a large Meatball Sub with a lot of ketchup) and, ...she looks down at her pillow to find a tiny pair of Lou's pajama's crumpled up next to where her mouth was...
Oh Noooo! LoL ! :`)
Author's Response:
Yeah, I definitely think I may have messed up the pacing slightly there. It's a culmination of events I was trying to hint at for a while, but the execution is just a bit clumsy.
I'll definitely revisit that section once it's complete and I'm able review the story as a while.
[Report This]Date: September 21 2016 3:27 PM Title: Chapter 8
Oooooo, can't wait for more ^_^
[Report This]Date: September 21 2016 1:49 PM Title: Chapter 8
This was unexpected but Alice is a wonderful owner and Emma got to live so I guess that is what counts here!
Date: September 21 2016 10:16 AM Title: Chapter 8
I like your writing style. Just wish there isn't gonna be a happy ending for Emma /: