Date: February 22 2015 11:43 PM Title: A Not So Happy Birthday
Sorry, not mimicking.
If a story 'reads very much like someone else,' the similarity, or resemblance here and there, is almost always unintentional. I assume it is in every case, except in straight parodies. Then again, I could be wrong, and I don't know if anyone else knows who or what I mean in this case.
By the way, thought about changing your handle? (Although you are writing porn, where the distance between amateur and master is usually nonexistent.)
Date: February 22 2015 10:35 PM Title: A Not So Happy Birthday
It's fast-moving, definitely. Much faster than your other stuff.
Maybe stay away from over-explaining things? With this kind of direct, quick and physical violence, make your descriptions gleam like gunmetal, be hard and snappy and severe. Some comparisons, like the tongue to a 'pink rug' or toes to 'doughy hooks' draw me away from the story, whereas they should pull me deeper and deeper into it (actually, in parts, this story reads very much like someone else on this site, not in content, which is definitely yours, but in style).
Author's Response: Finally a criticism, and a well thought out one at that. I must thank you, Iíve had the sneaking suspicion for a while, that my writing hasnít been up to snuff, but I couldnít quite place my finger on it. Being the author, itís hard to critique my own work. Looking back I can see there are some excessive details, and a few analogies which we could do without. Iím going to remove, Ďdoughy hooksí immediately simply because just reading it makes me cringe. The only thing I disagree with is the notion that Iíve been mimicking another authorís style. Thatís simply not true, and Iím a bit saddened anyone would think that; guess Iím just generic. Iíll try to remedy these issues, despite the story being prewritten. I look forward to possibly hearing from you again.