Date: April 18 2014 3:21 PM Title: Signing Up
What's interesting here:
The girl sighs lightly as she flips
Is that you refer to Sarah as "the girl". We already know who she is so you can refer to her as "she" or even Sarah. Also note the present tense. Your spelling is good though you need to work on tenses. You should pick a tense and stick with throughout the whole chapter.
Author's Response:
Well, certainly. But I don't always feel that saying 'she' or 'Sarah' is appropriate for the sort of flow I'm looking for in the story. It doesn't always feel right to write that, you know? I don't feel as though saying 'The girl' damages the readability of the story, however. As everyone is still aware of who's being spoken of.
Present tenses are used for all character actions and thoughts in the current time. Past tenses are only used for narrative purposes that can't be described in the present as they're not happening in the present.
I hope that helps to clear things up!
Thanks for the review!
[Report This]Date: April 15 2014 1:13 PM Title: Signing Up
If I hadn't read Trouble in the Disco, I'd think that Brenda is a very nice person. She seemed very friendly to Sarah.
Author's Response:
Hehe, I'd say that its always wise to be wary in my stories. ;)
Thanks for le review!
Date: April 15 2014 11:35 AM Title: Signing Up
Very well written, this scenario is really enticiing and I'm looking forward to the action.
Author's Response:
Thanks! I appreciate that, and I'm glad you're enjoying it as well.
Likewise, I'm hoping the action will come soon! But I want to have a slight build up to it to help also get the proper atmosphere out there. :3
Thanks for the review!