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Reviewer: Mr E Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: April 08 2014 10:03 AM Title: deleted

The present day paragraph where he is broken is my favorite part in the story

Reviewer: Amateur Wordsmith Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 18 2014 7:50 AM Title: deleted

Hello vgiv I saw your shouts and I thought I'd see what all the fuss was about.

First, in response to what you said on the shoutboard. The reason why people review and say things like "this is good for your first story" is because a lot of first stories are... well... not very good. The fact that this is your first story and that it is so good, essentially means that you show promise as a writer.

Btw this is a very good story. Its original, I don't think I've ever seen a story take place in lebanon, or anywhere in the middle east for that matter. Its got good characters; Jack is interesting, and so is Sarah (though personally I would have given her a lebanese name), and the hotel setting will certainly lead to plenty of interesting interaction.

With that out of they way, lets discuss chapter 5. Your transition from sadistic to gentle was reasonably well done, so no complaints there. The only thing I would recommend adding was a little more detail during the insertion scene. Go into explicit detail about Sarah's body, tell us how Jack feels about being abused like this, etc etc.

Overall this is a sufficient piece of writing that has certainly caught my attention. I hope to read future chapters of this. :D

 



Author's Response:

Whenever I read a story on this site, the gts is always the same. Caucasian, blonde or brown hair, and is either a monster or a saint. I wanted to do a story that had a multicultural character theme. In fact, most of my stories probably will have main characters who are from various countries.

For the intimate scenes in this story, they shall improve over time.

Reviewer: Flaming_Heart Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: March 17 2014 10:45 PM Title: deleted

Wow, what a great story. I like the concept of the story. And your writing style.

You made me fill hate for Jack's parents, which if you can make your reader feel emotion. Your doing a great job.

Author's Response:

Abusive parents always bring sadness, and darkness to my heart, I am glad I wrote them out properly.

Thank you for the review!

Reviewer: midnightwriter85 Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: March 17 2014 9:52 PM Title: deleted

Wow, first story huh?  Pretty good for a first.  I just read it straight through, from 1 to 5 and I have to say that you're drastically improving with each additional chapter.  Sarah's char. is fitting.  Although, I myself like the dominant giantess, you had me hooked with that Ginger Ale glass!

  My only advise would be to slow down a bit, and relax, your doing a great job.  Just try and spread out the visual aspect from the tinies perspective so that the reader can easily picture being inside his head...

-it feels slightly rushed, but after you settle into it, I think you'll get the right speed.

I'll be following this one.  Nice start!



Author's Response:

Thanks for the comment, I guess I really do need to slow the story down a bit!

Reviewer: Nostory Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: March 17 2014 4:54 PM Title: deleted

Wow, he broke down really fast. But you really made me feel for him, the physical abuse from his father and the put downs from his mother. Probably used the opportunity with him out to abandon him for good. 

  Of course this is partially Sarah's fault since she gave him that chance. He might be a jerk but it isn't a crime. She needs to set things right and make it up to him for raping him. Jack's turnaround was probably a little too fast for my liking but as I have said, you did write it well enough.

 



Author's Response:

In order for me to write chapters, long enough for a review, I need a good plot for the chapter. I didn't want to draw out the 'sadistic' part of this story for anymore than I wanted it to be. Thank you for the advice, make character turnarounds longer. 

Part of the reason Jack broke down so quickly is one, he was a sex toy for Sarah, two, he suffered an injury similar to one his father gave him, traumatizing events will often lead to more extreme reactions later in life. And three, Jack finaly realized that defiance and rudness is not helping him.

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