[Report This]Date: August 22 2013 2:00 PM Title: Chapter 5 - Class Dysphagia
You know what I'm thinking? Susan was hired by Julia to do this to Holly to make her realize how awful a person she has been. Great story!
Date: August 22 2013 1:49 PM Title: Chapter 5 - Class Dysphagia
Holly seems to be the type of person who would say, "But they wouldn't be homeless if they'd just get a joooobbbb!"
[Report This]Date: August 22 2013 2:35 AM Title: Chapter 5 - Class Dysphagia
I am really loving this story.
Date: August 20 2013 10:43 PM Title: Chapter 4 - Little Songbird
Does Susan work from home? Because if she doesn't, what if someone gets a little... Snoopy?
[Report This]Date: August 20 2013 2:51 PM Title: Chapter 1 - It is MY Birthday!
I'm really liking this story, SizeScribe. You're a talented writer, and I am particularly impressed by your characters. Holly is the prototypical spoiled brat who we love to hate, and I'm sure I'm not the only one excited about her imminent comeuppance. With your great descriptions and pacing, this story is humming along quite nicely. Still, I must confess that I personally predicted that Holly would receive a shrunken plaything as yet another extravangant toy: swing-and-a-miss!
Your grammar/diction are nearly perfect, but I have to point out one thing that's been bothering me. Your usage of the word "quipped" I think is a bit off. First, a number of times you spelled the word "qiped." Likely a totally understandable typo, but I also wonder about the context. My understanding is that "quip" is usually used in a light-hearted situation, as in a witty/sarcastic joke. I saw that in most cases Julia seemed pretty angry when she "quipped," and the word choice sort of brought me out of the narrative. I'm actually quite uncertain of my interpretation, so I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter.
Anyway, this is quickly becoming the story I look forward to the most. Keep up the great work, and I hope you include more feet!
Date: August 20 2013 6:59 AM Title: Chapter 1 - It is MY Birthday!
I think this story has a good start. Wouldn't it be interesting if her Mom set this up too? I'm not into the being a little slave for the rest of you life kind of story, but its good if this is a morality piece with a lesson to be taught. And in the end she is restored, but sees things differently?
Date: August 19 2013 8:54 PM Title: Chapter 3 - Employment
Great story so far but one tidbit of advice. You don't have to use a new verb for every piece of dialogue, and you especially don't have to use an adverb after every 'says' Don't be afraid to use some bare 'says' every once and a while!
[Report This]Date: August 19 2013 8:37 PM Title: Chapter 3 - Employment
The plot thickens a little more.
Date: August 19 2013 8:24 PM Title: Chapter 3 - Employment
I honestly can't wait for when reality hits Holly like a bag of bricks. I also hope that she's reduced to a mentally broken, willing to do anything slave for this charming woman. (I have a thing for watching the proud fall.)
[Report This]Date: August 19 2013 8:00 PM Title: Chapter 1 - It is MY Birthday!
I can't wait for Holly to get smacked in the face by reality because it really hasn't seemed to happen yet.
Date: August 18 2013 8:04 PM Title: Chapter 2 - A ride in the Country
I wonder if this was planned... Depending on ther mother's age, this could be an example of "We failed as parents with the last one, she's eighteen now so let's disown her, have another, and RAISE IT RIGHT THIS TIME."
Date: August 18 2013 8:02 PM Title: Chapter 2 - A ride in the Country
Oh, I absolutely adore stories where people get put in their proper place! I also despise rich girls and boys who are 18 who say "I'm rich, I have loads of money." Sorry, your PARENTS are rich. Your PARENTS have loads of money. And since you're 18, they can cut you off any time they like. For the record, I don't give a crap if you're loaded, I give a crap if you have a shitty attitude, are not humble, and are spoiled and brag about it. (I am spoiled to a degree but I don't say anything about it/acknowledge that a lot of the stuff I have I don't really deserve.) Having someone who is wealthier than me who I know personally will always come with a bit of envy considering I'm living off child support, SSI, and food stamps. Sorry for the preachy rant, it just really grinds my gears.
[Report This]Date: August 18 2013 7:44 PM Title: Chapter 2 - A ride in the Country
And the plot thickens!
Date: August 18 2013 6:45 PM Title: Chapter 1 - It is MY Birthday!
Great descriptions and even better dialogue. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.