Reviews For Pionus
You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: scrymgeour Signed starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: July 04 2013 9:11 PM Title: Executions and Diplomacy

While I was expecting (and hoping for) a story set in Mycenaean Greece, this mix of the fantastical and historical is equally welcome here. 

Good:
- The cinematic movement of your narrative style.
- The enjoyment you take in writing battle scenes/swinging swords around. You have a tendency to see rather than hear or touch -- and you seem to strive most of all toward a visually brilliant realism (as opposed to investigating the psychology of your characters, or turning your eyes and ears toward the landscape, or smelling/touching/tasting the world around you, etc). These battle scenes have momentum, and this is what you do best.
- The giant "femur" in the desert -- this detail is particularly inspired, and was the only thing in your story that really made my skin tingle. Would have liked more details like this.
- The Amazon society. I can tell you're not interested in this -- but dig in more deeply, and see what you learn. How did their society end up like this (in terms of gender dynamics/hierarchies, etc.)? Are the women polyandrous? Or the men polygamous? Do the men ever fight for their freedom? Do the slaves? etc. etc.

Bad:
- The overuse of adverbs.
- The dialogue. The reader doesn't need to be reminded of your characters' names every other line. & the page is cluttered with dozens of gratuitous "he saids in such and such a way" and "she saids, ditto."
- Characters. And character descriptions: when the narrator describes the Amazons, his voice sounds infatuated, half-besotted. At those moments, I could be reading any giantess story on this site. The details don't stand out because the narrator's eye distinguishes between the Amazons on the basis of -- are they sexually attractive or not (& if so, what color are their eyes, hair, what's their build, etc. etc.). Talk about the scars on their cheeks. The way they smell. The sound of their voices. The thoughts in their head. Anything.
- Absence of details like the femur bone above. gerald, though, (like everyone here, including me,) he probably has his private obsessions and reads and reviews accordingly -- makes a great point about the forest. If you'd shown a bare, bleak, denuded landscape instead of a green, leafy, healthy forest, the reader would pay attention, and wonder about it.

Other things to say too. But keep going. (Also, on a private note, please don't make "Myera" the sort of giantess I'm afraid she will & hope she won't be.)



Author's Response:

Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for the review, seriously the most useful one yet. I'll be sure to use your advice regarding improvements to my writing. style. And as for Myera, I hope you've gotten the right vibe from Pionus so far, because I don't have any nice sappy romance planned, this is a dark story, and I have no intent at letting Myera lighten anything up.

As for setting this in Mycenae, that would be interesting, especially considering they very well could have conquered the Cretans and the Cretans worshipped godesses, so their could have been a giantess twist. Too late for that though. Maybe another time? Seriously, maybe another time. 

Reviewer: Rage Signed starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: July 03 2013 4:07 PM Title: Executions and Diplomacy

Very good story so far, or seeing as the writer wanted honesty it is a good story. Much better than much of the other fare on offer here. It's nice to have a character like Pionus about for a change-there aren't enough bastards:D

would leave a longer review but it is 00:06 and I have to get up for work in the morning. 

 

looking forward to the next chapter and hoping to see this progress from a good story into a very good one. Good luck!

 



Author's Response:

Wow, thanks for the response! I'm glad you've picked the kind of character I wanted Pionus to be. A leader, a tactician, a makeshift genius, and an asshole. 

You must login (register) to review.