[Report This]Date: November 05 2012 4:09 PM Title: Chapter 1
well first of all, welcome back, i can see you actually have talent and you actually kept mmy intrest. it was a good soft story and i kinda laughed a bit at the end, it sounds like a typical night for me "now what was her name again" jk. any way good job and i hope you will visit some of my stories
Date: November 02 2012 10:15 AM Title: Chapter 1
I don't usually like stories centred around her feet. Strangely, I enjoyed this one. Shame it's so short. Even if I did like, I still find it odd how Adam's whole existence be centred around her feet. I would have explored other elements of their relationship.
I know it says he doesn't remember what she looks like, but you could keep that premise and have some interaction when he's on her lap for example, and to keep it so that he doesn't remember what her face looks like have something always obstructing her face, like her breasts; him not remembering what she looks like could make a good running gag.
Finally, I have to agree with jacksmith5996, not just one the psychological elements which I really enjoyed, but also to break up the dialogue so as to make your story easier to read.
I look foward to reading more from you in the future, hopefully something else along these lines.
Date: November 02 2012 9:42 AM Title: Chapter 1
Not bad at all. The story certainly has a unique vibe to it with the realism and psychological elements, and the short length works perfectly for a quick, self-contained read. I might suggest breaking up your lines of dialogue into separate paragraphs so it reads easier, but it's a minor thing. Good work.