Reviewer: Blackstorm99 Signed [Report This]
Date: January 22 2024 1:20 PM Title: Chapter 1

Great story. The nano perspective and detail was really amazing. 

Comparison of planets and moons for size helped immersion. 

Looking forward to more stories like this.. 

Reviewer: 2KFSK Signed [Report This]
Date: January 21 2024 8:53 PM Title: Chapter 1

Fantastic, great work, especially for a first outing. Using first-person perspective is also a nice touch. I think some of the description work tends to focus a bit much on trying to get the reader to envision exactly what you envision in your head.

e.g. "I exited the city and the entire floor was this darkish off-whitish yellow? The lack of light made it hard to tell. It was very flat, although it seemed that far off in the distance there were areas that lowered down.  I walked out onto it and seemed solid, but also spongy at the same time, also slightly damp. It felt kind of gross to touch but at least it was solid"

A good start, but we can make it better. You do some work in creating atmosphere but it's buried underneath the rote descriptions. If I were to improve the atmosphere I'd go with something like...

"At the city's outskirts, the ground spread out into a dim plain which seemed endless. The floor beneath my feet became spongier, damper, danker as I continued, and the scent of sweat became even stronger. I took a moment to touch the ground; it was soft and a little gross, but still firm enough to walk on."

Trust your reader: their imagination is very powerful. It'll be more than enough to fill in the details which you're thinking. In the meantime, you need to focus on creating the basic atmosphere and mood, describing the sensations of touch and smell, and give insight into the POV character's mental state. Which you DID DO in this fic at many points, so you're still in a good place!

This also isn't to say rote description is bad. It can be great! But if you're more discerning about where and when you use it, your writing will really shine.

Aside from that, I also noticed some reeeeeally long paragraphs near the end. Ideally, you want your story to be a mix of short and medium-length paragraphs, with only the ocassional long one in there. That's a simple trick that improves readability sooo much.

Anywho, big, blue-haired goddess girls ftw, god. I would spend 9 lifetimes in that Converse if I could. Keep writing, I would adore seeing more stuff with Maria in it.