[Report This]Date: March 30 2024 6:27 AM Title: Ch 6. First Corner on the Rhombus of Love
I gave this chapter a 10 rating after reading the title alone!
I really like that you decided to start exploring the love rhombus with Shawna. I think I mentioned it before, but we didn't really know much about her going into this chapter. With Michelle being featured a bit in the first chapter and Heather being part of the main group of friends in the story, Shawna being an unknown made her feel like less of "threat" to steal Javi's heart.
This chapter certainly changed that.
I feel like we learned a lot about Shawna here, but I think the most vital thing came from that question about the promise Javi made to her when he was a third grader and she was a sixth grader (I wasn't sure what the age difference was between them, as she was once his "babysitter," so the clarification on three years' difference was also appreciated). She thought she was going to stump him with that question and was legitimately surprised that he remembered, but I think her remembering it in the first place is actually more significant to the reader.
Prior to Javi's answer, we only knew that the two of them had a connection from when they were younger and that she found him hot. Kid Javi promising to buy her a house with a pool to make her happy shows a legit reason for her to be attracted to him. With the tiny being so young, he likely wasn't into girls yet (to be fair, I don't know where tinies stand on the cooties epidemic), so that offer, though unrealistic for obvious reasons, showed her a kind sincere side of him, as well as that he genuinely cares for her. And with her being a sixth grader, a time where she was probably starting to really look at boys differently, it's likely that this is where her crush for him started. The fact that she remembers it, that it was important enough to stick out in her mind after all these years (it was ancient times, after all) more or less backs that up.
And how happy she was that he actually remembered it, despite losing the round to him as a result, all but proves the point.
More importantly, that promise shows off some traits to the reader that we know would be desirable in a partner, giving Shawna's lust for Javi some ground to stand on. I think this was sorely needed if we were to consider Shawna to be as serious an option for the tiny as Heather and Michelle, who we've seen established as legitimate potential love interests already. I'm glad you were not only able to provide that here but that you were able to do so in such a subtle way.
As for the study game itself, it was a great idea that was brilliantly executed here. I especially enjoyed how Shawna mixed in a couple cheap questions in with actual class ones. She really did want to help him, but she wanted to see him naked more. If it wasn't for those neural devices, Javi never would have had a chance to take things down to the wire.
But we learned that Shawna isn't afraid to get a little dirty to get what she wants. When it came down to match point, she pulled that Buchanan question out of seemingly nowhere, but (he had to have had that planned as a backup to come up with it that quickly, though. So she likely premeditated her cheating to make sure she won and could further her little game with the tiny basketball star. I love that.
And phase two of the game gave us a glimpse into a bit of her crazier side and what really turns her on about having a tiny lover. The way she switched from caring, if not a bit desperate tutor to "psycho monster" was pretty intense. Seeing her feed off of Javi's primal fear, that feeling that pierced through his knowledge that Shawna would never actually hurt him, was as eye opening as it was surprising, and it certainly helps her stand apart from her competition (I certainly can't see Heather acting this way, and from what we've seen so far, I'm not sure Michelle would either).
Her being into that obviously shows a dominance streak in her, but she was also able to pull back before taking things too far, which shows that she's balancing that slightly darker need with her softer feelings for him as a person. Even though Javi was playing along with her (and doing that rather than expressing his actual fear says something about what he might be into), she didn't want to risk pushing him too far and making it a terrifying experience for him, rather than a sexy one.
Also, why we're on the subject, I liked how you expressed Shawna's "invigoration" at Javi's fear. In particular, her feeling his pulse through her fingertips stuck out to me. That's something I don't recall reading in one of these stories before, and I think it really drove the point you wanted to make home.
But jumping back to earlier in the chapter, we saw the other side of Shawna. While she was able to cleverly fend off Heather from joining the study session (so well, in fact, that Michelle didn't even try), we see the TA get flustered when trying to use the same Jedi mind tricks on Javi, who, rather than giving in (to something he wants anyway), playfully pushed back instead. That he got her to "break character" and basically straight up say "Do you want in there or not" displays her not being able to take that control because her feelings for Javi are too overwhelming. We see this desperation from her in nuanced ways a couple of times throughout the chapter, and the contrast between those moments and her calling him protein wasn't lost on me. It makes her more interesting for sure.
So kudos for making Shawna's corner of the rhombus just as equal as the other three (ignore that a rhombus doesn't have four equal angles for a minute). Ultimately, I'm still rooting for Heather, even though my head says it will probably be Michelle that ends up with him, but I've gone from thinking of Shawna as an afterthought to being content at the thought that she could be the one to win his heart.
Author's Response:
My goal with this chapter was to elevate Shawna as a viable contender, so mission accomplished!
I had to go over the segment delving into Shawna's wild side several times. I wanted it to feel sudden but not completely out of nowhere, like it hits like a truck initially, but feels like it could reasonably be another side of her character and how she's presented up to that point. I'm still not certain if I'm fully satisfied with how it came out, but I believe I conveyed what I want conveyed.
There's a few comments in here I find extremely intriguing but I don't want to respond to in fear of showing my hand too early. I will say, it's always interesting to see what details stick out to the reader. A lot of subtle details come from me having a more complete view of these characters, their personalities, relationships, and arcs, beyond what the audience currently or may ever know, so little things that just come to me naturally as behaviors that fit their character end up having a bigger impact than I realize while writing. I knew the bit about the promise was important to both of their characterizations, but all that came to me so much easier than trying to keep Shawna's voracious and manipulative side in line with her caring and sentimental persona. It's always jubilating seeing the little things appreciated.
We'll be sticking close to the rhombus for a little while, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your thoughts as we progress.