[Report This]Date: September 21 2023 6:44 PM Title: Chapter 4
This was a nice feel-good chapter. It came off as very sweet and wholesome, and it sounds like that will contrast quite nicely with the next chapter, where we're likely to get into the darker, more fetishy stuff.
I really like the unique dynamic between Emily and Jane. In particular, Jane makes this relationship feel different, as her acknowledgement that even most of the humans trying to help the Little Folk don't view them as people displays her appreciation of Emily viewing her as an equal. In most of these stories, the tinies are either terrified of giants or feel that they deserve to be treated like people, so it's refreshing to see a little person who has simply adapted to the way the world views her kind, only to find someone to fill her with hope and maybe even a renewed sense of self-worth.
Emily's wholesomeness also shines through brilliantly throughout the chapter. Even the threat to Suki (which I meant to mention last chapter), while seemingly out of character at first glance, actually fits her really well when you realize that she's stepping out of her comfort zone for Jane's sake. This love-motivated threat gave her some depth as a character, and it made an impact with the reader (and Suki, apparently) as well.
And her immediate reaction when getting into her room makes a lot of sense. She clearly has a strong sense of personal accountability and feels like she put Jane in danger, despite not having any way to know what Suki was going to do beforehand. But this also contrasts really, really well with Jane's worldview that I mentioned above. While Emily feels like she put Jane in harm's way, Jane is used to the world trying to kill her. Emily has no idea what that's like, so she ends up being more psychologically affected by the whole thing than Jane, the one who was almost eaten. Jane ends up being the one that has to comfort Emily. You would think it would be the other way around, but with the way things have been set up, this actually makes a lot of sense.
Jane's pep talk was inspirational and fun to read, but I do feel like there was something that could have been done to build to that moment in order to give it even more of an impact. I've mentioned in previous reviews that those earlier chapters could have benefited from showing just a bit more attention to Jane. After reading this chapter, I feel that way even more so. In particular, a quick reference or two to Jane during Emily and Shana's "philosophical debate" on Little Folk, namely, Jane's reaction to Emily arguing that tinies are actually people, could have hinted at Jane's view of giant-Little Folk relations. Relaying a sense of shock from Jane at Emily's words then would have provided the reader something to draw from during Jane's speech now, and I think that would have made a touching scene even more poignant.
That's not to say that the scene was hurt by not doing this. I just think that including stuff like that when you know how a character is feeling and what's coming ahead can give your story a bit more punch, if that makes sense.
I think you did a solid job of this with Maya's crush on Emily. the narrative revealed little bits of the relationship between the two, such as Maya noting that Emily was the only one that was nice to her when she visited the dorm, Emily wanting to comfort Maya when Shana called her a cockroach, and Maya looking to Emily for protection when Shana abused her, so it kind of made sense that Maya would have feelings for Emily. That being said, there were a couple more direct ways this could have been conveyed as well, such as having Maya be nervous, maybe even stutter a bit, when greeting Emily (that might be a bit too obvious, but I'm just throwing examples out there) or having Maya suddenly get a bit more aggressive when Shana grabbed Emily (this would have especially stood out with how meek Maya had been up to that point).
Again, I think what you did works pretty well, but I just wanted to suggest some additional things you could have done to help set this development up.
Speaking of Maya, I have to admit, I was a bit nervous to see an underage character in this story (this is a fetish site, after all), but I decided to see how things played out before rushing to judgment. I'm glad I did, as she has brought an innocent, wholesome tone to the story and hasn't been "fetish-ized" at all. I feel like you may have addressed this directly when she talked about giving Emily and Jane privacy because she wasn't old enough to think about that stuff yet. I appreciated that!
But yeah, this story seems more narrative-driven than fetish-driven, so I'm okay with Maya's role within it so far. Like I said, I was on the fence on this, and this chapter pushed me over it, so I figured I'd say something.
As for criticism, I did think that the dialogue came off as a bit clunky at times here, particularly from Maya. At times, she doesn't really come off as a 13-year-old girl. Jane also spoke pretty formally (for lack of a better term), but admittedly, we don't know much about Little Folk culture yet, so that might be normal for them. I guess based on the way she was dressed and how little she's said so far, this surprised me a bit. I would also say that these two seem to speak in a very similar manner.
It's tricky, but distinguishing different speaking styles for your characters can really help them stand out. Take Emily, for example. So far, she has spoken primarily in shorter sentences and avoided longer lines of dialogue. She also has been portrayed as quiet, kind, and maybe just a bit shy, so that fits her well. It also makes her different from all of the other characters we've met so far.
Maybe for a younger character like Maya, throw in a bit more slang terms and have her be more talkative. These are traits that can convey a youthful friendliness. For Jane, you might be on the right track. She has been mostly quiet until she's comfortable around someone, but now we're starting to see her open up to Emily and even Maya a bit. That seems like a reasonable approach for someone living in a world that's mostly cruel to her kind. Maybe put a bit more of her background into her word choices, though. Does she live in the walls of some academic or does she spend all her time on the streets foraging for food? How familiar with human culture is she (calling Shana Black Titan instead of Brown Titan seems to imply at least some sense of familiarity)? Things like that would certainly affect her vocabulary.
Dialogue is really hard to write, so don't take this criticism as harsh. This chapter definitely works as written. But nailing these difficult things can bring your writing to the next level.
Great work so far overall! The gentle aspects of this chapter really hit home. It will be interesting to see how well you handle the decidedly less than gentle aspects of the next one.
Author's Response:
Thanks for another detailed review and sorry it took me so long to respond.
I am extremely satisfied that you feel that the chapter has ultimately been successful.
Although unfortunately the way the characters speak show little of their personality, I was afraid that the chapter as a whole would be too awkward to read, but fortunately I was wrong.
As for Maya, I imagined that some people might feel disturbed by her inclusion in this kind of story, but it was never my plan to include her in the 'fetishized' part of it.
My intent with her was, from the beginning, just to offer an innocent point of view of the story, free of the preconceptions that the other characters may have.
On that note, thank you for waiting to see how I developed her before judging, I truly appreciate that!
In the next couple of chapters both Jane and Maya are absent, so I'll try to find a better way to write their speech, but for now I have no real ideas yet. We'll see!