[Report This]Date: September 06 2023 4:06 AM Title: Chapter 2
“Tomayto, tomahto.” Shana replied, shrugging with a smirk.
I know the misspellings are for emphasis, and that was definitely the way to get the point across here, but part of me still wishes that you just spelled "tomato" twice. I don't know why, but I find that thought pretty funny for some reason.
But on a more serious note, I think you did a great job of using dialogue to give us important details on this world, particularly the status of tinies within it. Emily and Shana's little back and forth was both entertaining and informative.
That technique also made the portion of the chapter in which you used the narrative to explain some details not come off as exposition-y. The explanation about those fighting for little folks' rights was written in a way that followed the flow of the conversation, and those three brief one-sentence paragraphs came off more as a deeper look at Emily's perspective and less as an infodump.
And I like the small additions to the first chapter. Seeing that Jane was wearing torn pieces of cloth tells us a lot about how tinies live day-to-day. And did the original version of the chapter note that Maya was 13, or did I just miss that the first time around?
I do have a couple of knits to pick, if that's alright. These are just me being picky since you seem to be looking to continue working on your craft. These are some things that I think can make the difference between a good story and a great one, as opposed to a good story or a bad one, if that makes sense.
The first piece of constructive criticism is that I didn't feel as though Shana's dialogue matched up with the character you set up in the first chapter. She was giving off major tomboy bully vibes when you first described her, but she came off as a bit stuffy when she spoke, and her word choices seemed a bit uncommon.
Here's an example:
“So riddle me this, Barbie. If they are people, then why hasn't anyone ever been jailed or even just tried for killing them?”
I feel like the words "jailed" and "tried," while used correctly here, aren't being used in a way that people commonly speak, making Shana come off as sounding odd. The "riddle me this" isn't odd in general, but I'm not sure that it fits the character that you've set up.
She's your character, so maybe it isn't my place to say, but I think something like this sounds more appropriate for a tomboy bully:
Okay then, Barbie. If they're people, then how come nobody's ever gone to court or even been arrested for killing them?"
(I did think the Barbie insult was a nice touch, by the way. That's just the type of thing a tomboy would make fun of somebody like Emily for, I think: assuming that she's a stuck-up airhead just because she's blonde.)
I think you could even lose the "gone to court" and have arrested stand on its own, but I left it in to replace tried.
Not to beat a dead horse, but there was one more example that stuck out for me:
“This farce has been going on for too long. Show me what you have in hand of your own choosing before I decide to do it myself.”
To me, this sounds like something an old-fashioned noble (or at least a rich, "went to the best schools" kind of kid) would say. The word farce, again, doesn't sound like it belongs in the mouth of a tomboy. I also think that for a bully like Shana, the threat would have played better had the violence been a bit more directly implied.
Here's another way this could have been stated:
"This shit's gone on for too long. Show me what's in your hand before I make you."
"Shit" (or "crap" if you don't want the character to swear) sounds more crude then farce, and therefore, to me, sound more like something a bully or tomboy might say. I also think "make you" sounds more like a threat than "decide to do it myself," which requires more context to realize what that means (the context isn't lacking here, but my point is that "make you" is simpler).
In both of my examples, I also tried to shorten the sentences a bit, make them a bit crisper. I feel like bullies tend to keep their sentences short and to the point. It makes what they say appear more threatening, I think. Notice I used "nobody's" and "shit's" instead of "nobody has" and "shit has." I also cut off the extra verbiage "of your own choosing" entirely in the second example.
Your pretty good at writing dialogue in general, but the next step is to really hone in on the way in which each character speaks. Someone like Shana, at least based on my interpretation, should sound a bit more rough around the edges, for example. Things like that are tricky, but they really help your characters come alive and distinguish themselves from each other.
The other "knit" is that I would have liked to have seen a bit more of Jane in this chapter. I think Emily and Shana driving the conversation was the right call, but maybe Jane could have tried to chime in only to be shut down harshly by Shana, which would fit into the effort to establish tinies place in this world. Or perhaps taking a quick sentence between lines of dialogue once in a while to describe Jane's reactions to what's being said.
Maybe Jane tries to hide between Emily's fingers as Shana talks about tinies being killed. Or she could tremble with either fear or anger as Shana tells Emily that little folk aren't people. She could even look up in admiration at Emily for standing up for her kind. Or it could have been a neat bit of foreshadowing to have her shiver a bit as she catches Suki stealing a weird glance at her.
Now, you did do this once in the chapter, when Maya tried to comfort Jane only to have the little folk shiver and Maya stop as a result. But as Emily and Shana got into it, I found myself really curious how Jane was taking all this. So I guess my advice is that you can show reactions, both directly or indirectly, for characters that aren't playing a role in a conversation if what's being talked about is of interest to them, if that makes sense.
But despite my long-winded, overdetailed ramblings above, I thought this was a really good chapter. I'm pretty invested in what happens to Jane, and getting your audience to care about your characters is really the hardest part of writing, so well done! I'm eager to see where you take this story next!
Author's Response:
Thank you for the detailed analysis of the chapter. I'm really grateful that my request for advice is taken so seriously. I started posting stories in the vague hope that someone would give me some pointers, but I keep hitting the jackpot every chapter, thanks to people like you!
I'm also happy that you think it's a good chapter and want to keep reading, this is very rewarding for me!
I am very pleased that you think my idea of providing information through dialogue between characters or their reasoning and thoughts was successful in making it feel natural, as it was my main goal for this chapter.
Unfortunately, my focus was totally on that and I actually forgot about Jane herself until the end of the talk…
And I find that you're right about Shana. I should have made her speak more coarsely and vulgarly, to make her more Tomboy-like.
I'll finish the new chapter first before making any changes or additions, like last time.
Oh, and speaking of additions, thanks also for reviewing the previous chapter for the two additions, namely Jane clothes and Maya age and motivation to be there. While I purposely left the three protagonists to an unspecified 20-year-old, Maya was much younger being only 13, but not having specified it, she looked totally out of place, appearing as a 20-year-old playing with dolls on the floor.
Thanks again and I hope you will continue to follow me!