Date: December 02 2022 1:04 AM Title: Oliver's Twist
Your response to my previous review cleared up my issues. The forbidden Dish stories provide all the necessary background info (if only I'd found them first).
The story you mentioned (explaining the glow squids) is found at:
Since it's not on GiantessWorld.net , I hadn't seen it. Reading all of Girlfood's (well written) stories on Deviant Art (where he's known as marius-the-mage) fills in all the blanks. I still have a problem with Jenny just getting caught up in the moment though. I would have preferred some discussion. Perhaps Janet pressing Jenny to give Ollie a merciful end (from a loving family member). Only later does Lindsey reveal to Janet that the squid add to the experience for the predator, but are far from merciful to the prey. Janet of course is intrigued...
Yeah, I considered additional discussion with the Jenny and the other girls around the table (where they may try to talk her out of swallowing Ollie or acting in disbelief). I opted against that as I was fearful of getting too wordy. Also, the nature of the FD stories is that after what's-done-is-done, folks tend to move on with their lives in an almost flippant nature, which I find quite fun.
Date: December 01 2022 10:31 PM Title: Oliver's Twist
I'm a little confused. What's the deal with the glow squid? Why does Meghyn want to know if Jenny ate the squid? Seems like it can be only one of two things:
1. If this is an erotic horror story, then having to battle a hungry squid after being involuntarily swallowed just adds to the horror. But, if that's the case, it would be more effective to play that up. Also, a non-glowing squid would be more terrifying. Imagine after you've just been swallowed, sitting in total darkness, feeling a tentacle wrapping around your neck!
2. Even though it's highly unlikely, the outcome that I'd prefer (happy ending) is that being swallowed by a glow squid will allow you to pass though a digestive tract and emerge alive (and wiser).
However, the biggest problem I have is with Jenny's motivation. I can see her swallowing Lucas (she's a little pissed at him) to save her brother. But, then to almost immediately murder her brother just doesn't fit. The only way I could see something like that working would be in a nightmare sequence.
The glow squids, as introduced in one of girlfood's stories (not sure if it was in his dinner dates or a one-off) attracted my attention and lends a bit of a sinister side to Meghyn, Lindsay and Colby. They know full well what will happen. If you read my updated version of girlfood's dinner date (Quinn's End), you'll see Lindsay in action using the same approach. Your #1 comment is what I was shooting for - both Lucas and Ollie were, in fact, consumed twice, though not with your preferred ending re: #2. On the glowing/light. I dunno, IMO, I find it the scarier option.
In regards to Jenny, let's just say she got caught up in her emotions. That, and feeling like Ollie was already in an impossible situation. In a bit of hurried logic, her mind came to the conclusion that, if Ollie is to die, why not atleast make the best of it.
Date: December 01 2022 8:03 PM Title: Oliver's Twist
Spoilers ahead, beware
I've logged in after months of inactivity solely to comment on this story. Firstly and foremost, I'm somewhat please to see what you did, though I indeed was hoping Ollie would live to see another day.
The night before this chapter, I was debating with myself on how you would end your little story and, I came to the conclusion that you, as the writer, had three choices:
A) Deliver exactly what the reader comes to expect of the story based on what's already released
B) Deliver what the reader came to expect, but surprise them with a twist.
C) Completely surprise them with a somewhat unexpected, but not unforeseen, turn of events.
I'm pleased that you didn't opt to go with A, but rather B, which tells me you actually put the story above the fact that it is, in fact, a fetish read.
As the reader, I expect something when coming in, and I believe that the previous chapters kind of set the mood for a more story-oriented read rather than a completely fetish-focused one. As the writer, you want to deliver something.
In all honesty, I just kind of skimmed through the story, but it does seem to be a good read. I was mostly curious as to what would happen to Ollie; guess I kind of have a soft spot for what seems to be the story's main victim.
I'm giving this story a 9 out of 10, though I'm probably biased on not giving a full 10 on the note that you actually got me rooting for Ollie, though in hindsight I probably shouldn't have, given the title of the story.
Good job, I guess. Though I do see you haven't marked the story as finished; was that a mistake, or perhaps something more? I kind of wish to see an epilogue, or some alternate path in which Ollie gets to live, but other than that, I believe you already delivered what you wished to deliver.
Thanks. Good feedback. I appreciate that. Yes, I also rooted for Ollie as I developed the story - wanted to make him a likeable character. I considered all possibilities for him and this seemed the best result from a 'story' standpoint. In real life, I'd been wrestling with Meghyn and the security staff to save him. Hope you get a chance to read the story in depth.
Date: December 01 2022 7:43 PM Title: Oliver's Twist
Fantastic story so far. Love how Jenny opens up to the idea of eating her brother Ollie, poor kid. Would love to see a side chapter eventually of Ollies plight inside her body. Maybe even making it most of the way through before becoming her protein
Thanks. Glad you liked the story. Who knows, I may at a future point re-open the story and add an epilogue.
Date: November 29 2022 12:24 PM Title: A Nightmare
So either BJ did die and this is what happens to tinies in forbidden dish or he did have a nightmare spoopy
Can't wait to hear what happens to Ollie and the rest will they be saved or eaten only time (and the author) will tell
Date: November 28 2022 8:58 PM Title: It's Jenny's birthday
I have been quite enjoying the story, though I do admit, the idea of minors sneaking in being eaten sounds a bit odd for how this universe has been established. Considering it's very contract/legal heavy, even if there is fine print and manipulation, there's technically always consent to protect the restaurant legally, so them just being able to shrink minors rather than just kick them out feels a bit off to me with how they have been shown to operate tbh.
I'm still liking the story, just the concept feels a bit much for the forbidden dish is all
Thanks for the feedback. Glad to hear you're enjoying the story. One large chapter to go. Legally, Meghyn's on solid ground - you'll see.
Date: November 27 2022 4:19 PM Title: BJ and Kat have their fun
Well, BJ is doomed. Lindsay is on the move. Someone is going down!
But, before reading this chapter I got to wondering how underage Ollie could get eaten. The Dish is a legal restaurant. You volunteer to get eaten (or get tricked into signing a waiver). Consuming a minor (who can't legally enter into a contract even with a fake ID) would be a criminal act that would be big trouble (angry parents) for the business and the boss Meghyn. So, if underage violators are eaten (as I assume they are) it has to be kept quiet. They need to disappear without a trace (no evidence that they were ever at the Dish).
So, with that in mind, this is how I would wrap up this story:
1. Ollie (in spite of his objections) gets eaten by Meghyn who has developed a taste for young boys.
2. BJ asks Jenny if she's seen Ollie yet.
3. Kathryn offers herself to Mr. Dickerson who refuses (she's humiliated).
4. The girls confront Meghyn regarding Ollie.
5. Meghyn offers to make things right and pulls some strings. Needs to eliminate witnesses who saw Ollie at the Dish or make them accessories after the fact who can't testify in court.
6. Jenny gets Lucas.
7. Janet gets BJ.
8. Tatum gets Josh.
9. Kathryn gets Mr. Dickerson.
10. Kylie and Ember get his friends (in spite of their blue bracelets).
11. Anna gets Kathryn (after Kathryn has consumed Dickerson).
All this is played out at the dinner with Jenny's cousins. It's where the illegally shrunken (Lucas, BJ, Josh, Mr. Dickerson and friends) witnesses learn that they're on the menu.
Anyway, those are my thoughts/preferences. However, based on how well this story has progressed so far, I'm sure kbDArt won't disappoint. Looking forward to the final wrapup!
Lol, you are exactly right on 1 of the 11 (won't say which), though some of those would be interesting to have written about. On #2, BJ is being a good guy to his friend Jenny here, so he's purposefully not mentioned Ollie so as 1) not to get Ollie in trouble and 2) not to upset and worry Jenny on her birthday. BJ has several issues, arrogance and superiority complex being a couple of them which dominate his personality, but he acts more humanely towards folks that he considers on his level (and he considers Jenny such).
Date: November 25 2022 9:56 PM Title: The Shrinking Setup
Will Ollie survive? Maybe. But, it's not looking like survival is in the cards even though Ollie had a narrow escape with Jackie (virtual vore attendant). He did sign her paperwork although he doesn't have a red bracelet. Ambiguous (keeps us guessing).
Hope Meghyn doesn't want to ruin Jenny's birthday party. Don't know what suitable alternate punishment for Ollie would be though.
Jenny hasn't swallowed anyone yet. Don't think she'd eat her brother (she'd be in endless therapy).
Kathryn will likely volunteer to get swallowed by her crush Mr. Dickerson.
Don't know if it will happen though. His friends as well as Kylie and Ember are wildcards.
Looking forward to the next chapter(s)...
Interesting observations. There will be one, maybe two chapters left, depending on how much dialogue I end up with.