Date: October 24 2022 5:01 PM Title: Chapter 3 - Preliminary Screening [September 29th, 2005]
Some very interesting build up here for the rest of the story, and I love how detailed you worked in the whole information exchangd (she sounds like a genuine research professor). Looking forward to ch4!
Author's Response:
Some of the best praise I/she could receive. Thank you!
Date: October 24 2022 4:23 PM Title: Chapter 3 - Preliminary Screening [September 29th, 2005]
Nitpicking as usual...
"hear it is" (what's wrong with Vermont btw? I'm Italian and I have no idea if I'm missing anything)
"Its too embarassing"
(not sure how Dr Walker resisted the temptation to say "no, not people, only males")
"subjects" vs Participants - I like to believe she thinks in uppercase/lowercase
That switch from "participants" to "Participants"... did I mention how much I love Dr. Walker? Recently?
"Whoa, a Participant ..." - I like that Becca is going uppercase as well :D
"Both the subject and participant would experience an increase in compensation" is the only deletion where I'm not sure, but ok.
I hope you realize that I'll be pester you to write something about both some of the subjects who do 24 hours only, as well as the story of the 1st subject, the one who let them learn the hard way (is it Mrs Romero's?); you're basically digging your own grave with all these details ;=)
Author's Response:
Thanks as always for the detailed look and I appreciate your noticing of the changes! Vermont was removed simply because it seemed like too many states for just one intern to manage and just one less detail the reader feels like they may need to remember for later (which they do not).
The revisions and omissions you pointed out here are all deliberate and will hopefully have nice payoffs over the next few chapters, the one about the deletion being particularly subtle. That one will be coming when Dr. Walker and Becca first meet.
Mrs. Romero and her subject are the very first Participant/subject pairing in the R&R Universe. Her story is a commission presently under development and as of right now, there are about 4 chapters worth of content written. It'll be posting that story once these others are caught up. I've been brainstorming ideas for the 24-hour Participant but honestly I'm having a hard time coming up with entertaining and believable reasons why a woman would turn down that money. Send me an email or reach out on Discord if you have any ideas!
[Report This]Date: October 24 2022 4:10 PM Title: Chapter 1 - They Pay...A Lot [September 29th, 2005]
Did you actually first write this around 2004 as the story suggests? That would be wild
Author's Response:
No, certain events throughout Becca's and the other womens' stories sort of anchors the timeline in this way.
Date: October 21 2022 2:21 PM Title: Chapter 2 - A Phone Call [September 29th, 2005]
First the usual...
"syllabus It" (missing '.')
"whenthey"
The more you insist on describing Mrs Jensen's features, the more I want to see her participate... maybe some student is looking for a summer job, maybe her nephew is an intern at R&R and she's doing her a favor, (checks old story) maybe we can fix Mr Handsome Waiter disappearing from the story... :D
And I see that Becca herself wonders why someone would let themselves etc - good to see I'm not the only one who forgot about uninformed
[Report This]Date: October 21 2022 2:56 AM Title: Chapter 2 - A Phone Call [September 29th, 2005]
Again, great story; but is it "$200 per week" or "$500 per week"? You wrote both payments within a few paragraphs since you are concerned about continuity.
Regardless, absolutely fantastic story.
Author's Response:
Ugh...its going to keep happening.. thanks
[Report This]Date: October 20 2022 12:57 AM Title: Chapter 1 - They Pay...A Lot [September 29th, 2005]
I read parts of this story in the past, and actually have open tabs of the previous offerings I have been meaning to download. I'll have to download this one in place of the existing Becca story line.
I've always been a big fan of this story and story line. It's one of the best posted here.
Correcting previous story lines to improve the overall continuity of your story is quite commendable; but I have to point out you noted the date and time as "September 29th, 11:17 am" only to continue "had it not been such a hot day for February". Is it September or February? That's the thing about going back to correct a story, little mentions one overlooks.
Keep up the great work.
Author's Response:
Thanks for the kind words! Becca's story stands out as special since it was the first and my most crude attempt at developing the RR universe. I'm looking forward to addressing the continuity errors and spicing things up along the way. Already I've fully developed the participation incentives, which initially were just random dollar amounts, but now there will be a (hopefully not too complicated) three-tiered system. As far as Becca's story goes, there will be a fair more of Krystal in it hopefully, but we'll see.
Thanks for pointing out the month discrepancy. I welcome any/all criticism and callouts, especially if it objectively improves the story!
[Report This]Date: October 18 2022 12:33 PM Title: Chapter 1 - They Pay...A Lot [September 29th, 2005]
Boring, technical stuff
In case anyone other than the author has a copy of the old version and wants to compare old/new version... I believe microsoft word includes something like this, but I don't have it so I don't really know.
You probably want either GNU wdiff (scary command line thingie) or diff, which has the advantage of having many gui programs to help you BUT it's really meant for coding, meaning that it shows differences one LINE at a time; essentially you want to try something like eg meld (meldmerge.org) but to make it work you will have to search&replace so that each sentence is on a single line (ie essentially add a newline after every dot, question mark, exclamation mark)
With the technicalities out of the way... just a couple of quick notes ("couple" as in the relevant xkcd of course):
- jensen/jenson? or is one of them her maiden name? :D
- omfg you just made Krystal and Mrs Jens*n much more interesting, now there's going to be demand for them to become participants!
- "uninformed"... somehow it was right there in the first chapter and I didn't remember it, I need to reread this story more often! :=)
- "so even mrs j" is missing the opening quote (possibly others, I was busy with the diff thingie)
Author's Response:
Thank you for your attention to detail!
Krystal is going to have a much stronger presence in this version going forward!