Reviewer: szimi27 Signed [Report This]
Date: May 05 2021 8:30 PM Title: CH1. Evicted

Okay, I think this is one of the best stories so far what I read here

Author's Response:

Glad to hear it! Sorry about taking so long to respond, but I hope a new chapter will placate you!

Reviewer: RumbleStar01 Signed [Report This]
Date: April 29 2021 10:31 PM Title: CH1. Evicted

One of the best stories I've read, definitely added to favorites! Great dynamics between the characters, I'm hooked and we haven't even heard too much lewdness; I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response:

Glad to have it in your favorites, thank you! Sorry about the wait!

Reviewer: alb Signed [Report This]
Date: April 28 2021 9:07 AM Title: CH1. Evicted

Few typos here and there but magnificent chapter as always. Excited to see how the story evolves ^_^

Author's Response:

Part of my plan is to go over previous chapters with a comb for grammar and typos. I doubt I'll get it all, but heres hoping!

Reviewer: johnsmith10992 Signed [Report This]
Date: April 27 2021 12:11 PM Title: CH4. All Work, No Play

Amazing chapter with equally good pacing. I'm glad it picked up a bit in the end though. It reads as a bit of a transition chapter for them, in a good way of course, very natural!

Author's Response:

Glad you like the pacing, hope you like Chapter 5!

Reviewer: bartek21 Signed [Report This]
Date: April 27 2021 9:25 AM Title: CH4. All Work, No Play

WOW !!!

Amazing story.

Such gems are very rarely seen here.

Please continue this story. I am curious what will happen next. 

Author's Response:

Appreciate the review, wanted to wait till I updated before responding.

Sorry for the wait!

Reviewer: Gershwin Signed [Report This]
Date: April 19 2021 1:48 PM Title: CH3. Teased and Confused

I had a recomendation to read this story, and glad I did!

I'm really enjoying this whole setup, its really sweet and makes me look forward to the more lewd stuff that may occur even more.

I'm happy knowing you'll keep it soft between them (No accidently digesting her new friend!).

You've done well making their behaviour feel realistic, with natural conversations and reactions, while also giving just enough details to make the world feel like a proper place, but not getting bogged down in too much unnecessary details.

Author's Response:

I'm happy you decided to follow their recomendation, glad you liked it! I say the buildup is more than half the battle in a story like this one, so theres more of that to come in the future. I'm glad you like the balancing I've managed so far, hope I'll be able to keep you satisfied with the amount of detail!

Reviewer: smotherslave101 Signed [Report This]
Date: April 18 2021 10:42 PM Title: CH1. Evicted

Loved all of these so much read all 3 chapters back to back sad to have to wait but really well done and a very relaxing and pleasant read keep it up so excited for more

Author's Response:

It's great to know I was able to hold your attention across three chapters, hope you're still excited!

Reviewer: ColdAtlas Signed [Report This]
Date: April 15 2021 4:34 PM Title: CH1. Evicted

Man, I love this story so far.  The world building is really nice as well.  I love the both of them have different backgrounds but yet can come together for their common interests. Both of them having a budding crush on the other and yet not wanting to gamble what the other might think of it is also a nice plot point I didn't think I need to read. 

Personally, I would say don't feel the need to jump into romantic if you think you can expand them more as individual characters. I hope we meet the rest of the group soon as well.

Author's Response:

They say opposites attract, and its what interests they share which binds them. Something like that anyway lol. I love a good relationship where they're both to cautious for their own good, makes some suspense!

And don't worry, we'll get to that sort of stuff when we get there :) As for the group, we'll see.

Reviewer: Lupin Signed [Report This]
Date: April 15 2021 1:00 AM Title: CH3. Teased and Confused

I'm happy to say that this chapter was a joy to read! I love the protagonists and can't wait for them to open up about their feelings. The way they act around each other is too adorable! I'll be looking forward to the next installment!

Author's Response:

I'm glad you've enjoyed like it! I tend to lean into fluffy relationships, so I'm glad to see thats being liked!

Reviewer: The Intimidator Signed [Report This]
Date: April 14 2021 9:20 PM Title: CH1. Evicted

First off I want to say this a great story and I've been enjoying it very much. The concept is great and I like that you've been able to find a new take on a story format thats been around for a while. Both of the protagonists are being developed very well and I can't wait to see where the story goes.

With that being said there are a few things that I think could be worked on. One thing in particular being the references to real world things that have been slightly changed to hold a new name it just seems a little out of place, if this was a show or movies with visuals I think that could work, but for a story (or at least to me) it pulls the reader out of it.

Another thing I've noticed is there are quite a few moments where something is written but could've been left out the first of which being when Ryan goes to the gym for the first time and instead of showing us what the gym is like or what he does there it is replaced with a line having us think of an 80's montage and instead we focus on afterwards when he goes to the store. While a wouldn't say a lot of time was spent setting up the gym it certainly wasn't a little. If the point getting Ryan out of the house was so he could go to the store then having him tell Lena that he wanted to go to the store would've worked just as well.

Additonally I feel like we're being told everything instead of getting the opportunity to form our own thoughts and predictions. It's been established that both characters have a crush on each other without the other knowing it feels unnecessary and repeative to constantly remind us that they having feelings for on another. We the readers don't need to know every single thought the characters have, we can infer if we're given the chance.

This one is more a personal pet peeve but the was texts are formatted just doesn't match with the rest of the story and personally pulls me out of it. 

Those are just a few things I've noticed that I think could possibly improve the quailty of the story. Once again I think this a great story and I'm exicited to see where it goes.

Author's Response:

Thank you for dropping a review and I'm glad you're enjoying the story! I'm always hapty to hear some feedback on things like what you've touched on, so I feel I should touch on them here.

Changing the real world names was initially going to just be the games, which were pretty much entirely made up anyway. Multycoon is a tycoon game with multiple tycoons in one game for instance. I agree with you in regards to the movie though, and I'll probably just change that to Avengers when I put out the next chapter in a few days.

I didn't really go into depth with the gym simply because I personally don't go to gyms, so I don't know what sounds realistic. I work outdoors for a living so I never really needed to. That and there weren't any events at the gym that would change or impact the story. I only ever mentioned that he went to the gym at all because I wanted to establish that Ryan was in good shape without directly stating as such. I'll probably remove the 80's montage thing though, It is a bit jarring. I'll replace it with a brief summary.

Your third point: the way I wanted this story to unfold was through the thoughts and actions of the characters. And people tend to think a lot. And when you're crushing hard, you frequently think about that fact and wondering if the other is thinking about you just as much as you are thinking about them. Since we're in their thoughts so much, if I suddenly stop mentioning something that is running through their heads all day it implies that they've stopped thinking of it. And usually what they're thinking of when not thinking about eachother is a game or whatever they're eating or whatever. While I agree that readers can infer information, there are some things I'd rather not get misconstrued so I state them bluntly.

I agree with your comment on the texts they have in the group chat, but its something that will be used more sparingly from here on out, as I've used them as I'd wanted to.

Thank you for the feedback, and I hope you look forward to the next chapter! 

PS: You can dm me if you'd like to counterpoint my counterpoints