Reviewer: Zaximus Signed [Report This]
Date: February 12 2021 4:15 AM Title: Artemis

Hoo boy! This looks like it’ll be a good one! You’ve already done the first hard part and got my attention. I’m loving this premise so far. It reminds me of some of my favorite giantess stories coming out right now.

For a first attempt this is pretty good, you’ve kept my attention longer than most first time writers, now let’s talk writing and places you could improve. As I said, your concept is solid, it’s different enough and yet fantastical to inspire the imagination. There are a few key points I noticed through reading both chapters I wanted to address.

First, pacing. Slow down. You seem to be zipping through this pretty fast. Pacing can make or break even the best stories. Slow down and give the reader time to digest what they’re reading. Describe the settings, the scenery, the people, take some time to revel in where you are and what's going on around your characters. Give them memorable introductions. Artemis has a pretty alright one in the first chapter though it didn’t seem to give her much of a presence. The deuteragonist, I’mma call him “Little Man” just kind of showed up without any kind of introduction. So my main advice on this point, slow down and use descriptions. Describe what’s happening and what’s going on. Show don’t tell, let the scene be felt.

Second issue I saw arising the most was tense. It’s a small point but it has big ramifications. The tense was all over the place, though I mostly noticed it in chapter 2. This can be fixed with a little bit of proofreading. Decide whether the story is happening, in the past, present or future tense than proof it to make sure all of them line up. Like I said it’s small but it’s sneaky. Even I find myself slipping up with it now and again.

Last point I’ll make for this review here is a little touch and go. Try and find ways to explain your worldbuilding without outright explaining your worldbuilding. What do I mean by this? Instead of telling us how the world is set up, show us the world and let the reader infer the rest. Use dialogue and character interactions to let us know what is going on. So like for example, instead of outright saying Artemis has a coven of sorcerers in her hometown or that giants don’t often use magic, if she tells Little Man her secret next chapter they could have an interaction where he says something like, “Giants don’t use magic.” And she corrects him, and mentions she learned from a coven in her hometown. Stuff like that.

 

That’s what I have for now. I hope that helps. If you’d like me to go into finer detail or explain some of what I mean more just let me know. I’ll be looking forward to new installments of this story. From chapter 1 to chapter 2 seemed like pretty quick turnaround on chapter releases. Would love to see a regularly updated story with a premise like this coming out.

Author's Response:

Wow, I was not expecting this kind of attention so quickly! I'll definitely take these points into consideration. 

The rushed pacing mostly had to do with me expecting most readers to skim through until a giantess does something sexy but now that I know someone's invested in the narrative the pacing will be worked on, as well as the exposition. With this in mind and the fact that chapter 2 is relatively short I may or may not go back and add a few more details to make it flow more smoothly. 

The window between chapter 2 and 3 will likely be a bit longer given that I'll be taking this advice into account. Thanks for the review!