Date: January 06 2020 9:32 PM Title: Chapter 1
Two different approaches, "concept" versus "illustration".
Your concept is top notch, though fatalistic in the end. His constant enduring of her foot odor / fungus / taste is very hot and intrigueing. Most readers will find this alluring.
As to your illustration, just as you mention your descriptions are quite long and take away from the easy reading flow of your narative. Have you ever watched the shower scene in the movie "Psycho"? You never actually see Anthony Perkins {the psycho} murder Janet Leigh in the shower. It's a rather quick scene where a knife is shown, she screams, blood flows down the drain; but no murder is ever shown.
If you give general descriptions and ultimate outcomes, your readers are left to imagine the scenes in details that are most appropriate for each individual; thus much more relatable.
Just some sugestions for you to consider. That said, write for you and your intended audience first and foremost, not a critic such as I am being. Though I do look forward to your future works. Never stop writing, for anyone. Write for yourself only.
Author's Response:
Critique much appreciated and thanks for the insight! I get what you're saying and was noticing it too, but had a hard time stopping myself. Over editing for detailed frameworks of time with links to previous moments for recognition to keep a person planted in the story was tiresome due to over description. I seem to fall into a cycle of inordinately applying my own, often too expanded, detailed listings of the current moment and will take that great example to heart on the next new new story if I ever get there. But again? I'm still debating on if it's totally a bad thing 'cause like you said, "Write for yourself only" and thats pretty much what anyones getting from this human. And hey, if others like what's on my "big screen" far beit from me to deny them a seat. ...prices may vary though! ;)
Date: January 01 2020 11:14 PM Title: Chapter 1
I thought the attention to detail really helped unleash out the story. It's an amazingly descriptive experience, and I would love to see more like it. If you're interested , I'd go for a series of unaware stories like this. There is a shortage of high quality unware and mistaken identity stories, especially involving the perspective smells and feelings, and I think you're really good at helping fill that void.
[Report This]Date: December 30 2019 3:49 PM Title: Chapter 1
Hannah really feels like she needs some tiny minions to boss about, a true angel.
Date: December 30 2019 2:34 PM Title: Chapter 1
This is a great story! I love the way you write thoughts and the story in general feels very casual and flows very well :) I hope you continue to write more! Obviously only if you enjoy it. Have a great day ^^
Author's Response:
I'm glad it was enjoyed and I did have a great day just so we're clear :)
Hope you did too and we'll see what the future holds!