Reviewer: Parajake32 Signed [Report This]
Date: October 15 2022 10:48 AM Title: Chapter 1 - Mother

Would love to see this continue!! Do you plan in doing so?? Loved the first chapters

Reviewer: MacroGod Signed [Report This]
Date: September 17 2019 9:37 AM Title: Chapter 1 - Mother

Shit got real so fast... O_O lol Great introdution!

Reviewer: Sereum Signed [Report This]
Date: September 09 2019 9:47 PM Title: Chapter 1 - Mother

I like the premice of the story of a Sister needing to take care of her little brother because of a tragic incident. I assume we will be following the struggles she has to go through to be able to provide for her little brother and her realizing just how hard it is to be a mother to someone.  I haven't seen any stories like this lately so it'll be more unique and I'm interested to see how it'll pan out. So yes I do believe it is worth continuing. As for what can be improved, first let me state I am no English teacher, but there are some things that stood out to me.  For example the third senctence: "For the longest time, I believed I would be a good mother." I don't think you actually need that sentence since in the previous two it's been established that she wants to be a mother and her mother said that she would make a great mother. Also the part where the Father loses his "marbles", unless that is a character choice of words for the sister since it is her point of view, I think it downplays the gravity of the situation. Finally you shouldn't use snagged three times in a row instead use some synonyms. I don't know if thats what you were looking for when you said things you could improve on, but again you set up the premice beautifully and people should know what kind of story they are getting into.

Author's Response:

Thank you so much for the suggestions! The use of "marbles" and "snagged" multiple times was meant to establish the voice that the sister has for the story. I will definitely change the use of "mother". Again, thank you so much for the review!