[Report This]Date: March 08 2019 10:30 AM Title: Chapter 7: She has two sides
What the... How come ??
I wasn't ready for this ! Not at all !
She definitely has two sides, and that explains why there were those storms separating both lands... Mmph.
At least, Thomas is more or less on his way to them. And he's coming with Delilah, even though I'm still wondering if she's a good ally or not.
Anyway, I'm loving it so far ! Please keep up the great work, and thank you for these chapters for now !
Ah, and Thomas was right about Vivian's surname. He tried Webby when he was making fun of her, if I'm not mistaken. And that was really fun !
[Report This]Date: December 04 2018 12:40 PM Title: Chapter 7: She has two sides
One of my biggest complaints about this tail...no wait...tale...oops, sore subject..sorry Emerald...has gotten to be a certain annoying character repetition. The characters have been enigmatic, but they’ve been enigmatic in the same way. They all seem to be continuing a conversation that none of us ... especially Thomas... were there at the beginning of. The lingo seems to be getting in the way.
Try to imagine that Thomas’ adventure is the story of his car breaking down in East LA. He needs to get directions and a tow truck and stuff like that ...but everyone will only speak to him in Spanish which Thomas doesn’t speak. We’ll say he speaks another romance language like French, but he only gets some words and not context. East LA is a diverse and vibrant place, home to many cultures and peoples...but in our story people will only speak to Thomas in Spanish. He meets a Japanese girl...she only speaks Spanish. After a while Spanish speakers and non-Spanish speakers will grow weary of the same interaction. It’s would not be a true or interesting portrayal of East LA and the narrative would just grind down.
And that’s a shortcoming of the reality Thomas is visiting. Why, in a confluence of realities does anyone assume Thomas would know any more than he does ... or think less of him because of his lack of information? It’s as though every other character is going “you don’t know about grblfix? everyone knows about grblfix!” and the reader nor Thomas don’t get to find out about grblfix.
As a POV character it’s Thomas’ role to ask questions, but as a protagonist it’s his job to steer the story. Thomas has been risking losing his appeal as a protagonist for the same reason actors wanted to stop playing a Dr Who companion: There’s only so many ways to say “what is it Doctor?”
This chapter went a long way to fixing that. And was remarkable and entertaining in its own right.
Delilah and Posie are compelling characters but give a feeling like they are visiting from another story. Which is in some ways a nice hook and gives them some depth and complexity, but in some ways carries that “we missed the beginning of the conversation” feeling.
It was really satisfying to see Thomas taking control of his story, though why he doesn’t just walk away from the biggies and their drama is beyond me. Not a one of them has a bit of merit to be worth his time...but you’ve established he’s way too nice and so I can see him stepping up and being a good person for them.
Your theme of duality became crystal clear this chapter as we encountered multiple characters who expressed this theme in delightful ways. And it was great to start to see another side of Thomas.
Vivian was vile...Vile Vivian! I’m gonna’ make that a thing!...anyway, she was vile as usual, though her concern for the missing Thomas was sorta redeeming.
Markus came off a bit too much of a jerk this chapter...going straight for a lowest common denominator is not good characterization, in my opinion. If he wants to help his mom, he should be asking Thomas for help and clarification, not being insulting.
Making some progress on the mystery of Luna was also a big step forward for the narrative. I’m really committed, now that everything seems to be on Thomas’ shoulders.
Love the current situation...we have the sea influencing the moon instead of the natural order, vis a versa. Great art!
Thank you. You are a talented and inspired writer. Well done and keep up with your craft.
Peace
pix
Author's Response:
Pixl8ed is still around?...God hellp me. O_O
Scathing critique as always. I appreciate it.
I can't ignore your primary complaint here. I do have to work on striking a proper balance between character's expectations and interactions with Thomas as well as dialouge. I hadn't really considered that much with Emerald specifically. She's more or less a tool to get Thomas where I wanted him to go. I'll take more care in changing up the dynamics. This will be a challenge though cause I'm not sure I even know how to improve that besides just writing more and trying to be aware....hmmm. From my perspective humans are not rare and Thomas doesn't really stand out so people do expect him to understand what falls within common knowledge to them. It's actually Vivian's job to acclimate him. She's not good at her job.
Delilah and Posie are visiting from another story. A story I wrote. It's called "Taking Over". Feel free to read it if you haven't already...or don't that's your business. They won't be the first either. I'm trying to consolodate *I don't think I spelled that right* a few things for that comic idea I'm planning. *cough* TRIALS *cough* I don't expect you to even know what I'm talking about now. I trying to appear like I've planned something cool when I'm really just playing this all by ear! Haha!
What?! Vivian literally eating someone alive didn't endear you to her character?! Maybe you lack the sophisticated perception needed to appreciate a character with little emotion on sympathy for most living things that are prey to them. She's not changing for you! She's barely changing for Thomas! She wears your Vile Vivian title as a badge of honor! Also she's a tiny spider with a broken leg now so maybe karma's paying her back a bit.
Markus is actually just pretty salty. His last interaction with Jordan didn't go so well and he's pissed about that. Give him a break.
Thanks for the comment as alway. Don't know when the next chapter will happen if it happens but I'm glad you're still reading.
Date: December 04 2018 8:54 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
I just found out this nice story but I can't get all facts: is Princess Coral and Queen the same person? or Is she hijacked like Dellilah?
Author's Response:
Princess Coral and Queen Coralessence are in fact the same person. She's goddess of that sea in Outworld and being a goddess she can take whatever form she chooses. Most time that form is a titanic and very spoiled child princess that freely causes tidal waves and destruction whenever she's in a foul mood. But y'know being ageless and timeless eventually you have kids and dumb responsibilities you'd rather ignore and being an adult helps with that but it's really dumb and stupid and boring. Not hijacked like Delilah.
Thanks for the comment.
[Report This]Date: December 03 2018 10:58 PM Title: Chapter 7: She has two sides
I literally ask for any story you write, so from now on every story from you will be
a story that someone asked for.
Also, Luna, moon haha.
And Delilah is also kind of mean just hijacking a girl like that.
Thank you for writing!
Author's Response:
Glad you're enjoying the story!
Yeah that is pretty mean of "Delilah" isn't it? But who knows what's going on with those two? Not like I wrote a story about that or anything.
[Report This]Date: November 27 2018 7:01 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
Little trippy but good solid story, when I see Winery I think of an auto-mail mechanic... But Ed would consider her a Goddess of war as well...
Thank you for your effort and time on this story.
Author's Response:
Thank you for your effort and time on this comment.
[Report This]Date: February 14 2018 9:20 PM Title: Chapter 5: Back on Earth
Oh, the dreaded sidebar...insert...whatever you call utilitarian chapters like this. They can be such a dread to write. A burden on our creativity.
Just so you know...you did it. I was engaged and curious and satisfied to see the characters interacting and experiencing emotional consequences of their actions. Guilt and concern for Thomas are giving Jenna unhinted at depths. It makes me wonder at what she and Thomas gave each other, how they fit together?
I like Bernie more and more.
And the Jenna/Markus thing seems much more complicated, even if it only comes down to sex.
Really intriguing and character building, you almost don’t need the cigar smoker.
Good drama, good characterizations....great work.
Peace,
pix
Oh, and nice art too.
Author's Response:
Eh...I will admit it was a chore to start this chapter, but things flowed nicely when the typing got going. I don't even know what to call it. Like a auxiliary chapter maybe? I am excited to get back to Thomas and the more fantastical stuff. Who cares about Jenna anyway? She's definitely not important.
Jenna and Markus seem to have a past huh? Maybe things didn't end well? I imagine Jenna probably wanted someone the exact opposite of Markus (He seems like kind of a dick). Thomas fits that role pretty well. He's gentle, shorter than her, probably weaker too...someone she can just nerd out with and take things slow and be safe with. It doesn't always have to be hot and heavy. It's a healthy stable relationship and nothing can ruin that!
The jury's still out on the art, but thanks for the compliment nonetheless! It will be interesting to see if I've improved by the end of this.
[Report This]Date: February 13 2018 4:31 PM Title: Chapter 5: Back on Earth
Mysteriousness mysteries gathering... and Jenna seems to be quite... unhinged, in fact. Now, I'm a little afraid for Thomas, if Jenna finds her way in the Realm he is right now. Something tell me that if she does, she won't just be your usual human spirit thingy... I want to read moar !
Author's Response:
.....I just realized I misspelled "weak" as in lack of strength as "week" as in a measure of time....I deserve zero stars for that mistake alone!
There's clearly more to Jenna than meets the eye! Transformers!!!....I mean uhh???? Well Markus and her clearly have history. You might bo onto something though. I wonder how Jenna would appear in Outworld? Hmmmmmm????...She'll do.
[Report This]Date: February 02 2018 1:16 AM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All
Hey, more of a lurker on the site. Usually never log on but want to share my thoughts.
I really liked the other story you've recently posted with MAJOR/minor, especially with its abstract concepts with 'bonding'. Very creative story device.
At the beginning of this story I wasn't sure where this would be going with the opening and then the 'wake up in a fantasy world' element that is highly popular in anime. But I trusted it would be going somewhere, especially when there was clearly a lot of creativity in the story. I trusted that it would need more exposition and character work.
This last chapter really brings it altogether, in fact, it being so long really ties it together. The characters start to bond and get more level with each other after encountering beings clearly above them in power. Mortals in the presence of gods that could kill them without a second thought.
With Vivian acting so high and mighty in the beginning towards Thomas in the beginning to then have a higher being do the same is a good way to have her maybe reflect, whether she admits it or not. You also have Thomas the clear moral and empathetic character who helps the person who abused him physically and emotional before in front of a god. Shows what type of character he has.
I do like you make Thomas' kindness a weakness instead of just a positive for him and maybe Vivian's abrasiveness could make him a stronger willed character that could worry a bit about his well being. While Thomas could get Vivian to be more empathetic.
Curious about who or where Luna is (like how she planned to have Thomas sent to this reality at his death) but I'm sure the adventure will be cool and creative like your past work. I eagerly await for more from this story, because the set up right now has a ton of fun potential, especially with no villain introduced yet (Rayna I think is a red herring and could easily have someone else introduced)
Author's Response:
Sorry I didn't get to this.
Thank you for the kind words on MAJOR/minor! You'll be happy to know I'll be switching back to finish it! I recently found inspiration for the ending. Thank you Caretaker! It was your job to help clear my head for that to happen!...anyway.
I think people are really resonating with the relationship of Thomas and Vivian. It's the back bone of the story so far and I hope to convey the slow shift and development. Vivian's still a venomous amoral monster who hates humans, but...maybe she hates Thomas a little less. Maybe Thomas is learning a bif of confidence from her to. He did talk to two goddesses without pissing himself. We'll see.
I'm eager to find out more about Luna too! Let's hope the build up is worth it!
[Report This]Date: February 01 2018 6:06 AM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All
This story is a great example of how you can like a story and not like most of the characters.
There is some awesome world building going on here. Though, that might not be the right word, it seems more like you are telling us that this reality is changeable and uncertain. There is a new, mini reality around every corner.
I’m always gonna side with the tinies, though I have to say I like how complex things are. The crab being a perfect example. The coverage of it as “girl finds pet” instead of “terror and death in the marketplace” make me want to paraphrase the Joker...this reality needs an enema. But Vivian has a point, they chose to set up under a giant crab. Still, people build on a fault line in California and we don’t write them off when disaster strikes. And even our morally bankrupt press doesn’t cover such horrors as “a new way for movie stars to make milkshakes.”
So, even though he has zero competition for the title, Thomas is the most moral person there. Way more ethical and empathic than any of these so called superior beings.
So far they are all worthless. Mere power is does not make someone superior. How they use it and the decisions they make is what makes them worthwhile. These filthy, disgusting things are worshiped because they’re powerful. That make being deified, at best, the cosmic equivalent of the cult of celebrity. Like those people who have a reality show and you can’t figure out why. They’re famous because they’re on TV and they’re on TV because they’re famous? Thomas is from California, he of all people should be able to see this. He should be able to say “Hey morons, you’re worshiping the Kardasians!”
At worst, this whole deity thing is the ultimate protection racket. “Give me your worship because other forces and entities are worse.”
Luna picked Thomas for this stupid task, knowing it would cost him his life. Putting her needs above his in an act of superior selfishness. That alone makes her not worth the trip. We humans cut each other off in traffic and take the last coupon at the potato chip display, but we don’t want anyone to die for our convenience. Why on earth (ironic phrasing right there) would Thomas want anything to do with someone who keeps sapients as pets? Someone who would see him murdered to spare herself? And by the way... if you are eclipsing people... it means you’re not letting them shine.
And HA! I knew Vivian was a liar. Spiders are icky. And yes it was a lie...she said “I’ll get you back to Earth.” Not “I’m counting on Luna’s mom to get you back to Earth.”
Winrey said payment, when she referred to returning him to earth. Scum. The best term would be re-payment. As in returning what was his. As in the life she stole from him. Stupid, selfish thing thinks she owns the universe. She can choke on her cinnabons. And “belongs by her daughter’s side?” Great, he can join Vivian in pet...ness? Pet-ness...that’s a word? Right?
I really enjoyed how he refused Winrey’s offer to “improve” him. Remember, he’s just been humiliated by his girlfriend and her lover and yet he chooses not to focus on the superficial but instead believes that it’s his character that matters. That is really an awesome moment. (I hope it means he will have the strength and character to refuse the temptation to join these over glorified monsters.)
That leaves Thomas being the most moral and ethical creature on this plane of existence. Go ahead and judge Vivian Thomas...judge them all...please.
Thomas is such a good person. His girlfriend cheats on him and he want’s to go back so she doesn’t feel bad about him dying? Vivian drags him around on her webs and generally treats him like refuse and he bargains for her well being. Winrey murders him and threatens him...and he hugs her. Luna set him up for all this, basically arraigning his murder, and he still agrees to help her. He has no need to go on a Goddess quest. He’s already a saint. Theses strutting monstrosities don’t deserve to shine his shoes. Their superioritiness (???) falls apart when contrasted with his simple kindness.
The amazing thing is how well you’ve realized him. I can see him doing all these things. I really hate it when our protagonist just lets a bunch of evil trash get away with bs like this, but Thomas really is that person who is guided by a loving heart. So, inspite of my desire to see him call them on their authoritarian crap, I can forgive Thomas for being forgiving.
Though, I will warn you, super kindness has lead to some engaging protagonists just treading water as far as storytelling goes. He needs to be judgmental if he’s going to identify suspects and solve the mystery.
He’s kind of at a tipping point as far as being protagonist that moves the story forward. He’s only starting to take actual, positive action to fulfill his quest and he’s missing opportunities to actually ask important questions. Vivian has demonstrated she’s no help at all, so he really needs to step up and ask some probing questions. He should have asked Luna’s mom and sister if she had any enemies, I know it was the first time he’d heard that she might have been murdered (nice guiding Vivian) but now he can’t ask. If a bunch of flashy costumes and vulgar displays (which is all these creatures are about) is going to derail his mystery solving abilities, this is going to be a long quest with a lot of doubling back. I appreciate that it was his heart that made him focus on Vivian’s well being and not his quest to escape these weirdos, but he really has to find some way to push himself to be a better seeker. Maybe he should start by asking about the phone call.
Though she’s super unworthy, I enjoyed the scene where Thomas helped Vivian with her arm. And I will even admit that there is a hint that they might have some chemistry...some. But she’s not being a good co-questor (I know that’s a word) because she’s so tight lipped...er...mandibled? (Darn, right after I had one.) So she has a long way to go to really earn my investment in her. But Thomas starting to win her over is a good beginning.
I am really with Thomas on his journey. Though I see the place he’s in as somewhere to escape, I’m still enjoying his perspective. If he stays out of the selflessness that seems to be the cornerstone of his character, I would see it as a tragedy. He deserves to see himself as worthy of kindness and consideration, not just someone who gives and gives, though that is his beautiful nature.
A bit of technical advice, sometimes being so focused on Thomas’ POV makes things a bit confusing. I have found some of the action beats to be a little hard to follow. The scene where he falls and Vivian webs him is an example. The usual method of description might serve you better, describe Thomas’ reaction to a flurry of action, then take a broader POV as he realizes where he is and what happened. Though, I was able to figure it our, the fact that Vivian had leapt after him got a little lost. But that’s just me maybe.
Your imagination and your description of the scenes and characters are really shining in this story. I would read it just for those. There is a lot of potential for conflict and drama in the world you’ve created. Overall the story has a sort of buddy film vibe that I am enjoying. And maybe Vivian might turn out to be a good “Riggs.” So keep the faith. What you are creating is worth your time and has my interest. I want to see Thomas try. I want to see Vivian develop. And I know I’ve thrown down a bit of gauntlet, but I even want to see this Luna who everyone is making such a fuss about. If she’s worthy or unworthy, there’s a story there that I really want to see play out.
Author's Response:
This comment is intimidating...........I'll try to be brief because I'm starting to feel that I talk too much.
I will take your advice on storytelling. I'm still very much considering if this chapter's too long and needs to be split up. If I do I'll probably end up re-writing that scene.
I'll be explaining the more philosphical perspective of the citizens of Outworld eventually, but it is rather unique and a little warped. They actually live with their gods and can see they exist. I imagine that changes how they view the world and even the concept of life and death.
You commented on Thomas' morality and for the lack of a better term niceness. It's interesting because while I do see those a good qualities I also feel their probably his greatest weakness. He's still thinking of Jenna even though he's dead and she cheated on him the day he died. DWEEB! Maybe even a little unhealthy. I even think it might get him into trouble if it hasn't already. If Vivian had evicerated that kobaln or whatever she was planning the market district might not be flooded right now....but you can't really think of things like that and apply blame in hindsight.
Anyhoo. Yeah Thomas needs to be more proactive and he will be slowly transitioning into that role. He's still new and Vivian kind of outranks him just based on experience, but their relationship is slowly shifting to more of a partnership and with that his role in it.
Thanks for the comment.........Oh! And your comment on eclipsing people maybe being a bad thing? I like that. When I thought of it, it was just an easy thing to say in reference to the moon and it made a cute curse. Now I'm thinking Luna may have a darker side not yet alluded to......Not that it means anything, just a wayward thought. Although? You did make a point with Thomas dying just to look for her.....was that Luna's idea or her mom's? Hrmmmmm.....?
Date: January 31 2018 8:43 PM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All
You really do have a way with story telling man. Regardless of my feeling on the ending of Small, Your stories really HOOK me with the character diversity and settings really. So far I just wanna keep reading to see what happens next right now. It's like I said before long ago on another review on another story... Fetish material isn't always necessary for a REALLY GOOD story. Right now I just wanna know what is gonna happen next!
Author's Response:
Thank you for the kind words. It makes me happy to know my story is interesting even without more explicit material at the forefront. Honestly if it weren't for Vivian's proclivity for swearing this would probably be rated PG-13. I do wonder how I'd do at a story with more prominent fetish material though? I might tackle that if I ever finish that "Brotherly Love" Fanfic, but that's for another time. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Date: January 31 2018 9:33 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
Yeah, hoping for more reviews is a constant for me too. I can't help but wonder if peoples like what I write or not (thought, considering the Random Factory and Aunt Suzie's read count, they do, as for why, I have no fucking clue...). Don't worry, you're having an impact (I would have begun to write here if not for you man !)
Date: January 31 2018 1:55 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
So, now that I've more time (and a little bit of sleep) I'll make a deeper review.
First thing first, Thomas's first "interaction" with a divinity is really incredible. Princesse Mermaid Thingy truly is titanic. her being a child and yet having such an impact on everyone, as implied by the anchor news guy is great. What's terrifying however, is the kind of callous disregard that everyone have to loss of lives in this world. I mean, The Princess clearly couldn't be bothered to even register the hundreds, if not thousands of deaths her crab caused, and she added quite a lot to thise losses with her sheer size and tsunami-like arrival.
Then there is Thomas's interaction with Vivian. I really like where it's going. The spider still is an asshole, clearly, but we are seeing new facters of her personality and that's great. I think that she'll grow more respectful of the human boy. I also really like that Thomas isn't losing sight of his objective. He wants to get back home, and not even the terrible Winrey can make him change his mind. That's actually awesome, how he basically tell her that he wants to return as he left, in a sense, and not "upgraded" without even a second thought.
Speaking of Winrey... I think she had the best sentences to sum up how Gods feels about mortals : "Now if only his mother would hurry up and die. Jordan. That woman smoked at least two packs a day and still hadn’t kicked the bucket! Life was dreadfully boring without her. Plus she actually knew how to bake."
I think it speaks for itself. The value of Thomas's mother isn't in the life she lives but the speed at which she will die so she can become Winrey pet/slave/cook/lover (pick an option and discard the others). There is incredible callousness here, the kind of which really is chilling. The way she treated Vivian was terrible, but at least here, it felt as if she was genuine. With Thomas, it almost comes as fake sympathy, the kind of which you extend to a pet or something to entice it to you. I highly doubt that Winrey actually care for who Jordan is. She clearly seems to care about how Jordan makes her feel, and that's a whole other thing.Her callous disregard for Thomas' fate should he fail to find Luna is also quite telling when it comes to what matters and what doesn't for her.
Now to Rayna. Well, she is clearly a bombshell (I mean, she is a Sun Goddess, and the Sun is basically an enormous nuclear reaction so I guess it's logical), which makes me think that Luna will be a lot lither and leaner than her sister. Rayna also seems to be rather a giant bitch, kind of like her mother in even less diplomatic. She really looks like what you would expect a young goddess born into this life to be... thought I wonder why she wants to mess with Vivian so badly. I suspect that the spider insulted her numerous times, but still. I also find quite telling the fact that Winrey can wisk her own daughter away like that, it really shows how powerful she is.
I suspect that Rayna will be a hindrance in Thomas and Vivian's search for Luna, but as stated by the spiderkin, she isn't the real culprit. Thought I believe that Rayna was either used or duped by the one responsible for Luna's death. It would surprise me if the Sun Goddess became kind of a recurring "enemy" trying to steal Thomas for herself. She seems rather fond of stealing her sister's toys anyway, and clearly, Luna was the most important of the two, so I guess she doesn't want her sister to be found...
Overall, an extremely great chapter. If I may, i would hoever advise you to separate your chapter in two, because while I enjoy reading such long pieces, I'm not sure that it's the case for everybody and it may be daunting to face very long chapters for some. I really want this story to be read, because of the world building, awesome characterisation of your characters and all. But that's just my opinion, you're the sole captain of this ship ! XD
As for a drawing commission, I think i would really like your take on Brenda or Rebecca, or Alejandro, or Shannon or Rayna, or Winrey, haha ^^
Author's Response:
Well thank you for the long review. *clears throat* ....okay.
First I'll the comment on long chapters. Is this chapter too long?! I had no idea! It was just so fun to write! I was cinsidering a chapter break before when they got to the castle but I felt it ruined the spirit of the chapter which was introducing Thomas to gods or well goddesses. He'll meet a male god eventually too! I'll actually take this feedback into serious consideration. The chapter was even longer at one point, but I cut out scenes of people dying and buildings crumbling when Princess Coral arrived. That was much longer but it made Coral seem to cruel in my mind. She's more an innocent force of nature and not malevolent destroyer. But she'll come back later. Maybe I'll add those parts back in and split this chapter up. I don't know yet.
Thomas and Vivian....honestly they're the foundation of this story. Both their arcs and perspectives are the main driving force. I hope I'm conveying the subtle changes in character between both of them. They are the most important characters. Luna's basically a maguffin right now!
You make some great points about Winrey I hadn't considered to much but I feel show her character all the more with that context. It does really speak to her callousness as a god and her selfishness. To me she's a middle ground. An all powerful being that revels in her streingth and attitude, but also knows it's a detriment to herself and wants to change. Not that she will or won't, but it makes her feel better to say she's trying and that's what really matters. She might also be manipulating Thomas. I don't know. He's human it seems like a thing she'd do, but she also loves her daughter and screwing Thomas over would piss her off! Hmmmmmm...?
Rayna is a more like her mother than even Winrey wanted her to be. More accurately a reflection of Winrey when she was younger. Loud, arrogant, impulsive even (what do you even want Thomas for bitch?). She is the sun after all. Well one of them. If people are wondering what Luna's like then just imagine the exact opposite of Rayna and you'll have a close enough outline. That being said I really like Rayna. She likes humans. She probably wouldn't go terrorizing a district just ot get her pet crab back, but then again she's older and more mature than a centuries old titan class, Princess mermaid who didn't even consider coming by in a more manageable size and shrinking her crab down with her god level powers until after she'd already left. Oops! All I'll say is she'll return, but the stories not about her, to her complete disdain! Did Vivian insult her? She is prone to that, and Rayna is very self absorbed and arrogant, the kind of person where one wrong comment can set her off! A very dangerous combination of personalities. I'd even wager this has probably happened before. Why was Vivian suddenly so scared to come. It couldn't be Winrey. Vivian got off easy with her! Hrrmmmmmmmm.......?
I do sometimes worry if people are reading my stories. I mean they must be right? My read count goes up. Not many comment though and it makes me wonder if my stories (this one in particular, but it's a worry I have with all my stories.) don't have enough impact. Does it not provoke a reaction? I'm sure this is a common worry for authors. Oh well. I just shrug it off and keep writing. Good or bad this is a story I want to tell flaws and all, because it's one I wish I could read! So you gotta keep trucking and trying to improve! Plus this story specifically is helping me fine tune comic ideas.
Thank you for the comment and the drawing suggestion! I actually think I'll take a swing at drawing Rebecca soon. I don't normally draw more seductive body types and it will be good practice!
[Report This]Date: January 30 2018 10:10 PM Title: Chapter 4: The Ones Above us All
Excellent chapter ! I like the characterisation of the Goddess so far, I find it really fitting for immortal and extremely powerful creatures. I'll leave a better review after I'll have deal with my insomnia, but overall, keep the great works !
[Report This]Date: January 27 2018 11:11 AM Title: Chapter 3: Remnant
I was prepared to let this one slide by. I read the first chapter and thought, “lovable loser who conveniently has a tough life gets taken by biggies for whatever...blah blah blah. Read it all before...” Well written, but uninspiring.
But, it’s Izzy’s creator, so I figured I’d give chapter 2 a read. I got that far in Small before giving up, so I can at least read that much. And I was pretty sure I was right the first time. Everyone’s a big jerk and...yeah...yeah...not much here for me to invest in.
And then I read the last scene. Thomas turns it around. There is suddenly an interesting character dynamic going on here. Unlike so many characters I’ve had to endure before, Thomas has agency in his story. Suddenly there’s a tale to be told.
I gave everything a reread and with my interest renewed.
I found I liked Thomas a lot. He has a good heart though he lacks a philosophy. He can tell it’s bad have some stupid spider drag you around and talk at you like you’re the scum of the universe, but he cannot articulate why. So in a way, from a literary stand point he’s the perfect character to go on a goddess quest.
Someone usually goes in search of a diety for either direction or definition. For instructions or meaning. For purpose or enlightenment.
This seems different. Just as he’s about to take his first steps to fix his own life he gets snatched out of his existence. It seems this Luna needs him. Right now, based on the world we’ve seen she seems to stand for “I’m big and powerful, so worship me.” Thomas didn’t really hook with Catholicism, so he doesn’t need more of that. Perhaps it is simply his protective nature that will motivate him to help her. Or maybe he’s simply being logical and using this opportunity to get home. That’s not selfish, that’s rational. These creatures are filth and he should get away from them as soon as possible. And he’s an interesting enough character that I want to see him try.
Except for the amnesia or whatever. I hope he’s not going to spend the rest of the story trying to remember chapter 1.
But I have to ask if this goddess is worth the trouble? Luna is a two faced thing who will take someone’s last dollar. Tell you the worst day in your life is not so bad, even though she’s had similar experiences, take advantage of your kind heart and protective nature to kill you and step on your neck, laughing as you lay dying. (Or her agent will.) Also, she's friends with a scummy spider woman who will poison you, and tie a freaking leash around your neck because she’s so full of contempt for all humanity (even though she likes our cartoons, it seems) that she’s a big bucket of loathsome.
Thomas reciting that whole "eclipse us all" thing is something he should expect her to earn. That would be a great way for him to assert himself.
Also, it’s pretty clear that Thomas should be asking for proof that he can get home. After all, she did say he could never get home again. Now she’s offering him a way home. The only thing she’s proven so far is that she is completely lacking grace and she is a liar.
Too often in these stories, nice winds up meaning stupid. Or it means, betray me, lie to me, walk all over me and I’ll forgive and/or act as though nothing is wrong. In other words, kindness equals victimhood. That’s becoming one of the most obnoxious plot devices in this genre and I really wouldn’t miss it.
I found chapter 3 to be rather disappointing. Not in terms of world building, you,ve created a vivid and interesting world filled with exotic tones, though it’s a little annoying that all these so called “superior beings” don’t have the brains to articulate their world in terms an ordinary person can understand. Carl Sagan could explain black holes to high school kids, someone whose besties with a goddess, and had a career introducing humans to the afterlife ... well, it makes me wonder how she got promoted.
Really, though, chapter 3 let me down in terms of character conflict. This promise of a return to life has become Thomas’ new leash. Nice as gullible is also a trope which bugs me. He really shouldn’t be trusting Vivian so easily. She’ll let a giant crab thing go nuts “in her own backyard” and just shrug it off. That shows a huge lack of loyalty and character. Again, since her promise to return him to life directly contradicts her previous statement,
“I guess.” Vivian stated. “More like you’re not on Earth and won’t ever be able to go back, but dying is just terminology for your benefit..”
Thomas every reason to mistrust her and she’s giving him more reasons every time she opens her maw.
If I were to offer any positive advice. Thomas needs a sense of humor. He’s passive, reactive and ignorant. He needs something to hook us other than variations on “what is it, Doctor?”
Though, I gotta say, the little quotes at the beginning of the chapter are hinting that I really have a reason to stop reading right now. The quotes that introduce chapter 2 seem to be implying that Thomas becomes one of these obnoxious, arrogant scummies. Not looking forward to that.
Best of luck with your story.
Peace
pix
Author's Response:
Woah!.....Okay..jeez where do I even?.....
Okay look. I can't respond to this, Pix. Not because I hate the comment, your comments are some of the best I've ever read and actually make ME the author, think about my own writing, but if I respond to THIS. I'll just end up posting the entire story outline! Can't do that! That would be a problem!
I will say some things and know I've probably re-written this three times.
First. Thomas doesn't have anmesia. That's easy to answer. He knows what his life was and what happened to him. He was just confused at first. I imagine that happens when you get hit by a bus and some wierd homeless lady finishes you off by choking you to death with her dirty boot. I guarantee there was dog shit on that boot by the way! But he knows. I thought I wrote enough to make that clear but I'll look and edit or add more in further chapters if it's not. Easy question!
Also I gotta make another comment on these "Small" burns! Didn't get past chapter 2 huh? Well y'know what? Small doesn't need you Pix! It's doing fine on it's own. *cries*....it's doing fine on it's own. This is just a joke by the way. Sarcasm doesn't transfer well into text! In fact just assume everything I write in these responses to anyone is bad sarcasm. that will protect me in the future (I hope).
Everything else I can't answer, but I'm glad you're asking question. More questions than Thomas apparently am I right?...Hehe. There's is a mystery and Thomas should be suspicious about some things, but I don't thinik it's all malevolent in nature. Some, but not all. Uhhh. Yeah that's all I'll say on that.
And I'm kind of happy you hate Vivian. She's probably the worst character I've ever created. From a moral standpoint anyway. Her as a charater I love, but she's hard to write because I keep wondering if her general lack of morals and complete contempt is too much. My justification is that she's a spider and spider's are predators and don't adhere to the same morals as we do. She literally eats people. She was going to eat that woman! She even said it! She'll probably try to eat Thomas if he sasses her too much. That being said she has her own character arc stuff to go through. I don't know how well it will come off in the end, but both Thomas and Viv have a long way to go. I hope they find Luna. I hope Luna's someone worth finding.
As always I just appreciate that you chose to read. If this story ends up not being for you fair enough. Thanks for another great and thought provoking comment. See ya next chapter...maybe. I actually have no idea if anyone likes this story! All words are lies!
Date: January 27 2018 9:25 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
That's a good sketch of her, although I imagined her differently from what you've done.
Author's Response:
You are the second person to say that to me. I'm dying to know what y'alls thought Viv looked like. There's really only two ways to draw a spider woman. Google it and you'll see....well you actually won't see women who are also spiders. You'll find a marvel comic book character. Type it into deviant art and you'll also find that comic book character, BUT you'll scroll down and also see what I'm talking about. You either have the centaur version. Woman on top/ spider on bottom. aka. Dridders. Or you have the hybrid, bipedal basically a women with lots of arms. I prefer the Muffet approach from Undertale if you've ever seen that character. She's the latter but with more animalistic elements to it. That's where my idea for Vivian's design came from. Also drawing all those legs? Hell no! I'm still an amateur. Vivian still needs more work. I need to work on my style and detail as the most glaring deficiencies out of many in my drawing. (I definitely spelled deficiencies wrong! Both here and back there!) So that in no means will be her final look. Feel free to keep imagining her however you want. If you can. I know seeing an image can ruin that process.
Thanks for the comment.
[Report This]Date: January 26 2018 8:23 PM Title: Chapter 3: Remnant
I liked the sketches of Vivian, different than I'd imagined but in a good way.
Things got interesting starting with ch 2 and continue to impress. It's not easy (at least for me) to write non-contemporary fiction. You have a talent for it. Strange environments, foods, races, etc...quite a setting you've created so far.
Interested in seeing how the size change aspects will be introduced. :)
Author's Response:
It's hard to describe fantasy creatures which is why I added art to this story. To help people visualize, but I realize that can also spoil the infinitly better images in the readers imagination. I do wonder what you think Vivian might look like.
The trick to writing fantasy is easy. Want a fantasy creature? Just take an animal name and put it at the end of something not associated with it before. Lava+Bees= Lava Bees: Swarms of winged insects with hot magma in there abdomen's! They have hives made from igneus rock and are sometimes harvested and used as makeshift bombs! Don't eat their honey! It's that easy. Try it a home kids! Avatar (the animated ones) did this great by just combining to animal names. Platypus bear, Tiger bear, Armadillo bear, they did so often with bears that when just a "bear" a regular bear showed up IT was treated as the fantasy creature!
The size stuff is kind of a slow burn on this one, with hopefully a big payoff at the end. That being said I'm also trying to pepper here and there throughout the story. Like Vivian being ten feet tall!
Thanks for the comment!
Date: January 26 2018 5:43 PM Title: Chapter 3: Remnant
Damn. This is really good. You've got some real talent bud. Interested to see where you take this next!
And the line about the Switch had me cracking up!
Author's Response:
Thanks for the high praise. I appreciate it. You wanna see what happens next! That's a lot of pressure on me!
Date: January 25 2018 11:38 AM Title: Chapter 2: Life After
This took a 180 turn real quick. I honestly thought he was gonna end up somehow with Bernie but that ending of the first chapter left me surprised. This second chapter answered some of my questions but raised even more! Like others mentioned, I definitely want to read more and know what happens next. why exactly did Luna choose Thomas??
I'm hooked on this story and can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response:
Thanks for the kind words! I was actually worried people wouldn't like the concept. I feared they'd feel baited somehow. I hope I can keep you hooked! Why did Luna choose Thomas? Good question! What else you got?!
Date: January 25 2018 1:01 AM Title: Chapter 2: Life After
I like this. I hope we to get meet Luna.
Author's Response:
Hopefully right? I mean what would be the point of any of this if we didn't? Maybe like a Marcelus Wallace briefcase thing?
Thanks for the comment.
Date: January 24 2018 11:37 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Death of Thomas Waldo
Well this got far more interesting very fast lol. The first chapter was definitely slow paced, but it did leave me wondering what was to come. Chapter 2 was DEFINITELY full of mystery that just makes me want to read more. Guess i'll have to wait on the next part to see where it goes. So far it's very intriguing.
Author's Response:
Thank you! I hope to maintain your interest level throughout the story! Let me know if it falls off. I'd also like to hear what your thinking so far. That's always fun for me.