[Report This]Date: July 08 2016 4:14 PM Title: Chapter 1: Nothing but the sea and sky
I thought that I had commented earlier, but since I hadn't, I'll do so now: fascinating concept... I really like it! I can't wait to see where it's going to lead.
You commented that you had been critiqued on DA for giving measurements... whoever did so deserves to be critiqued themselves for giving bad advice! There is nothing wrong with providing basic info to assist the reader in his/her visualization of your story. Anything that helps the reader to understand your story, without interrupting the flow of the story, is eminantly acceptable.
Keep up the good work, and stick with it. I do recommend getting more familiar with the metric system, if you intend to use it... and don't mix metric and english measurements in the same paragraph. It's too easy to confuse what you are saying. Otherwise, come on back and continue your story!
[Report This]Date: February 18 2016 8:08 PM Title: Chapter 3: The Healer
Heh! I revise my earlier assessment. This is more like Jonathan Swift meets Hans C. Andersen. Way to go! :-)
Author's Response:
Honestly I've read some of those two writers material's before and I don't think what I do is even comparable. But thank you for the sentiment.
[Report This]Date: February 18 2016 8:03 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
I thought sure this was going to be a Wonderland pastiche, with a giantess Alice. But, needless to say, a butterfly-winged fairy version I find a mite...
...curious, sir. ;-)
[Report This]Date: November 02 2015 11:35 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
Fantastic! The comparison of Alice's body size to that of Jay's head was brilliant. And now the royal guard has an athoritive presence that was missing before. Thornhunter, I like it. It's not demeaning or over the top. Smart writing. A pat on the back for you good sir... or ma'am. Sorry I don't remember if your bio said guy or gal. PEACE!
Author's Response:
Thanks. Don't worry about gender I didn't put it down. At least I don't think I did.
[Report This]Date: November 02 2015 12:50 PM Title: Chapter 2: Mighty Alice *revised chapter*
Love the attention to detail. Though the sizes were confusing to imagine while reading, I sudgest giving a numeric scale. eg( it looks about 45ft long). Not its 7 times bigger than her. We don't yet have a reference to her scale relitive to other things in the world, so it's hard to compare what 7 times bigger actually looks like. Also why was a price of all people so close in the first place? Was it because of the Alice using his mana or something else? How many guards were there anywaw? 2,5,10,50? And what were they wearing? Light armor, heavy armor, no armor? These are important details that tell us what Alice is up against or just about fairy lifestyle in general. Beyond that though your story is amasingly awsome. Please don't stop. Writing quality like yours, is only observed in a handful of people here on this sit. If it takes time to write, so be it. A good story is worth the wait. PEACE!
Author's Response:
Thanks I'll redo this chapter and get it right. I guess I didn't have a clear image in my head as to the royal guards and I was feeling anxious in getting this uploaded.
Sorry about getting scales a bit skewed. Jay is six feet in hight Alice is about under a foot in hight and the fairies are smaller than Alice. I was scratching my head for way to long trying to create a race name and instead created a clan name. I'm still trying to think of a name for her race and I just can't form the right words.
Reason I don't use numbers is because when I was first writing on DA for Karbo's universe I got critiqued and told I shouldn't do that. But I'll think of a way to better get it on paper.
Thanks for the review. You should see I a 2.0 draft up later tonight. Also this is the only way I'll learn to be a better writer, so thanks more than anything for taking the time to help me improve.
[Report This]Date: October 20 2015 5:18 PM Title: Chapter 1: Nothing but the sea and sky
Whoops, forgot to rate lol.
Author's Response:
No worries I appreciate it 😊
Date: October 20 2015 5:11 PM Title: Chapter 1: Nothing but the sea and sky
Wow. Your attention to detail is awesome. Please don't stop. Your grammer was fine by the way, nothing major or obvious.
Author's Response:
Thanks very kind of you. Sorry for not replying sooner but wanted to finish the chapter I was working on first.