[Report This]Date: October 19 2015 8:28 AM Title: Chapter 5
Oh, dear!
I bet Mina's the one who shrank him. Probably a Goth Wiccan, in her spare time. Unfortunately, the plot twist is kind of cancelled out by the reversion to run-on paragraphing! :-(
[Report This]Date: October 19 2015 8:25 AM Title: Chapter 4
Perhaps it's some other leotard-clad lovely from ballet class? But, whoever the future betrayer might be, this chapter is definitely your best, yet!
:-)
[Report This]Date: October 19 2015 8:13 AM Title: Chapter 3
Three of the middle paragraphs still have room for structural improvement. But, the story is getting more riveting now that you've finally established a precedent for why shrunken teenagers are so rarely (if ever) missed by their parents. In Ryan's case; it's part of the same metaphysical X-factor that shrank him in the first place!
Btw: is Amelia blonde or brunette?
[Report This]Date: October 19 2015 8:07 AM Title: Chapter 2
Let me guess. For once, some shrunken boy's parents are going to notice he's MISSING (lol)?
Seriously, though: you're doing a great job of re-editing.
[Report This]Date: October 19 2015 8:02 AM Title: Chapter 1
A little bit better.
[Report This]Date: October 10 2015 10:27 PM Title: Chapter 1
The writing just doesn't do it for me. It's not convincing enough. Sorry man.
Author's Response:
What do you mean? And yeah, sorry this is my first story, it's mostly experimental, seeing what works what doesn't? But what do you mean by its not convincing enough? I'd like to know so I can improve it.
Date: October 10 2015 7:22 AM Title: Chapter 7
Dude; you really need to rewrite ALL these chapters! Double-space separation between each paragraph, and especially between the narrative text and the character dialogue. Because, quite frankly, with an eye-straining mess like this, it was a minor miracle that you got even one review. Let alone, the first three!
Author's Response:
Oh wow, I didn't even notice. I've been writing this in my phone. I copy and paste onto the website. I didn't realize it wasn't keeping my spacing and indents and stuff. Thanks for telling me, I'll get to work on fixing that. Sorry about that, I didn't even notice it.
Author's Response:
Oh wow, I didn't even notice. I've been writing this in my phone. I copy and paste onto the website. I didn't realize it wasn't keeping my spacing and indents and stuff. Thanks for telling me, I'll get to work on fixing that. Sorry about that, I didn't even notice it.