Date: August 02 2017 4:04 PM Title: Chapter 5: Jennifer
Again dude I'm sorry, but all this time tom has actually been the first strong independent man in this world, but now he's use another drone? It just doesn't seem right, he should have met a girl, who likes him for him. Please respond when you get the chance.
Date: August 02 2017 3:52 PM Title: Chapter 5: Jennifer
Also, I liked Jennifer the best, she was the less evil by this world standards. Also you said that tom had two sons. While since you've only done one story, how about you make a sequel, about the two going through almost the same stuff time had went through, only this time they both STAY defiant.
Date: August 02 2017 3:46 PM Title: Chapter 5: Jennifer
Nice story man, but I honestly liked it better when Tom was stronger and more independent.
Date: October 10 2015 2:28 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Dream
Why was it "impossible for Tom to study with females", but then 2 paragraphs later they are hiring him a private female tutor? I didn't understand the flip-flopping.
If it's going to be "impossible", but they are going to make an exception for him, it seems like it should have taken alot more effort. And if it's going to only take a conversation, then why call it out as "impossible" in the first place?
Date: October 10 2015 11:19 AM Title: Chapter 5: Jennifer
That was a wonderful chapter. It was much happier than the others. I really enjoyed it. There were a few grammatical mistakes but they didn't take away from the enjoyment of reading it. The story feels complete yet you haven't marked it as such. Do you plan to add more?
Author's Response:
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for all your comments, I've been trying to edit the grammar mistakes and I marked the story as complete.
[Report This]Date: September 13 2015 9:23 PM Title: Chapter 3: Tom's New Job
Loving the story so far. Hope Tom finds a girl that doesn't fuck him over. Lol. I would enjoy more detailed feet loving. But looking forward to chapters to come.
Date: August 27 2015 3:43 PM Title: Chapter 2: The Senator's Daughter
Brianna was evil anyway. Also, all of the wome in this world seem to be sex-crazed maniacs. Can't say that I find that terribly realistic, but other than that the story isn't too bad.
Here:
As he walked back to the make quarters
You mean: male
Date: August 19 2015 6:53 AM Title: Chapter 1: The Dream
Interesting. According to your profile your name is Tom too. Hi Tom!
You claim men and women have different cognitive abilities and speak differently, but I don't think this was emphasized enough in this chapter. Tom has been using, and can understand, some advanced words. Second, the dream I think is too detailed to be a dream I think. Surely Tom cannot remember all that, especially with his limited mental capabilities.
I thought we were going to be introduced to this daughter. It's nice that you've sort of set the scene I suppose though. However, I feel as though there would probably be a more efficient way of doing it. You seem to have dumped most of Tom's life story on us without really telling us all that much about the world around him. However, there is just enough so that I may infer. What you've provided us with is decent.
Here:
As if in a dream, he felt his hand reaching up to hers,
Did you forgot that Tom was already supposed to be dreaming? He is in a dream according to this line:
That night, he dreamed about painful memories he had tried to bury long ago.
And I don't understand what all this tongue stuff is about. Is it simply so a man can pleasure a woman without getting their penis out? I assume the evolution is different in this world and that would play a part in proceedings. Your writing skills are good though. There were just a few minor things I had trouble with.
[Report This]Date: August 18 2015 9:01 PM Title: Chapter 1: The Dream
Such a sweet and sad ending to the first chapter.
Welcome to GTSWorld, and you don't have to worry about your writing. You definitely have talent, and I am sure that your stories will be well-recieved, especially if you continiue to write like you did here.