Date: July 12 2014 8:38 AM Title: Chapter 1
GL, I apologize. After thinking a lot about your reaction to my review, I see that what you're out to do here is write fun, action-packed stories involving members of the community. I wish you the best of luck with this, hope it continues to be something you enjoy and keeps you writing. I'm sorry again if I my critique felt harsh, or made you upset.
Author's Response: It was the way i read it to myself its all ok but that is sorta my direction of my stories.
[Report This]Date: July 11 2014 7:35 PM Title: Chapter 1
Hehe, I love that not only did I died first, but also to the girl who I requested in exactly the same way I requested. Talk about excellent for me.
As for the aspects of the story the others complained about, I'll talk about them in chat with you if you would like.
Author's Response: Your welcome and i am gonna try to take some of their advice
[Report This]Date: July 11 2014 9:34 AM Title: Chapter 1
I agree with the previous reviewers. It's a nice premise, and showing both perspectives is a good way to give more emotional heft from both sides. Really I'd say just try working on bulking up the description more, like binary said. It's not bad how you have it, per se, just a bit dry in places and could easily be dressed up somewhat. Dialogue would help create a connection more easily as well. Overall not a bad second effort; keep at it.
Author's Response: Will do and my third story hopefully wont be done at midnight too but thanks for the feed back and i will do my best to add in something's to give the readers to imagine about.
Date: July 10 2014 11:26 PM Title: Chapter 1
Just about everything binary said was spot on and I didn't pick up any kind of "dickish" tone, but maybe that's just me. It's a shame that you took his critique negatively because he really went out of his way to provide you with the feedback you requested.
I thought the story was great and the premise was original and fun, and I love it when authors take turns telling the same events from both perspectives as you did. As binary said, jumping from time to time in the way you did can be a bit distracting and hard to follow; the tangents you set up like the one about foot cleaning from in stockings are wonderful..so wonderful in fact that they deserve full chapters or even sequel stories! not little blurbs at the end of a paragraph. Lastly, description of the girls and their assets is important.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading and I hope to see more from you in the future!
Author's Response: Thanks for the feed back, this is only my second story and i thought i did a great job. I am thinking about doing a sequel in the future about the one guy who lived but im not to to sure. Thanks for reading.
[Report This]Date: July 10 2014 10:58 PM Title: Chapter 1
Hey! Cool. Here are my thoughts.
Your formatting has improved between this and your last story.
None of your characters have faces or bodies. You do a good job providing action, and stringing actions together into sequences -- all that is very clear -- but you can trim some of this out for other things: descriptions of your characters, more of their thoughts. More dialogue especially; you have almost none. Right now all of your characters all feel the same because they are missing they other ingredients.
For any character you want to be a real character, try to do two simple things at least: build an image of them in your reader's mind, and then reveal the mind of the character to the reader as well.
Overall this reads like a cinematic scene, which is good. But that's the start. Words give us an extra element as writers. We get to convey emotion directly to the reader. This means dipping into the scene and not watching it. Action is only one part; use senses to pull the reader into the moment. Sounds, tastes, smells. You do have the presence of smell here, but saying something is a "stinky foot" for instance, does not build an olfactory sense; saying it smelled "salty like sweat, and like the mango foot lotion that was Giantess #1's favorite," both creates scent, and develops the character just a hair more.
You don't need the call to "present day" halfway down; the paragraph before it establishes time.
I'll give you a piece of general advice I give anyone, and follow myself: when you're done with a story, trim it by a third. The next time you go through it you'll be left with all this action, and you'll be in a good place to build.
Also, if you care about a character, give them an eye color. Eye-to-eye contact, light, is a visceral connection, and putting color in there will create that connection in your reader's mind.
Again, you have flow and action here. Please don't take this critique in a negative way. It is written with love; thank you for sharing.
Author's Response: My you don't have to be such a dick you know but thanks I dont really want to type out the dialog either