Date: March 22 2014 9:15 AM Title: Claire
I'm a bit puzzled sometimes because I realized I should have read your other story before this one (d'oh!), but even then, this story is just really well written.
Even better when I think that "Consequences" is likely just as good, and ~4x longer...
PS
"she had been been" :)
Author's Response:
Thanks for the kind words.
And I don't know what you're talking about >_>
Date: March 22 2014 7:26 AM Title: Cold
Well now, Claire managed to majorly redeem herself a lot in this chapter by explaining to Ashley what she did wrong, why she's being punished, and what she should do in the future. She even helped Ashley out by giving that little story about how she tried to take over her brother's life. I'm happy and sad Jenna didn't interrupt. What Claire told her will help Ashley realize that her "God-Like, perfect sister" and her friends are not infallible. However, I kind of wish Jenna had interrupted and poor Ashley never found out what the punishment was for. ^_^;;;
I'm also glad to see hints on how Ashley will see Melody and the others in the future after this. ^_^
And to answer your question, I would really like to see that chapter. =D
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 7:09 AM Title: Claire
Chapter was pretty much what I was expecting given the hints displayed in previous parts.
I think the words actually hit harder for Ashley than the actions, and I take back what I said in a previous review as being made to feel helpless first made the revelation of what she actually did to Jack have greater impact.
On the alternate chapter I wouldn't mind having a look. It's always interesting to see how a story could go.
Date: March 22 2014 6:12 AM Title: Claire
Finally we get some streight answers. Well I must admit their lesson may be more effective than I thought it would be. That talk about dominance was chilling. Though I still think this could have been handled by their parents...
Anyway I just realized did Ashley meet this boy at school? Do beta and alpha children go to the same schools? If so I fail to see how things like this army regular occurrences. It's amazing to think how much power even an alpha child can have over a beta adult, to the point they can't even hear them beg.
Finally, if you intend for us to give Jenna the benefit of the doubt your not really presenting it in the story. I'm sure it's not a coincidence she said time right when the got to talking about bruises...
Author's Response:
I'm glad the talk on dominance was chilling. I feel it's something that's impossible to get around in this world, really, regardless of how good things may be.
And no, they don't go to the same schools. The general idea is that Ashley spends a lot of time in the mixed-size area of the city and basically just ran into this boy a lot and struck up conversation here and there. Though yes, that power imbalance is an amazing, frightening thing.
And no, it isn't a coincidence, though probably not for the reason you're thinking :P
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 4:34 AM Title: Cold
A very good chapter and further insight into Claire's character and what methods she uses to rehabilitate her charges. I dread what Jenna has in store for her, since we now know her true character from the other story. I don't think there's any way to get around that the relationship between the sisters WILL be changed by this ordeal. It must be in order for the lesson to stick. And it must be in order to maintain any kind of realism. I think the chapter is fine the way it is. If you must post the alternate chapter, please wait to the story's conclusion to avoid confusion and maintain story flow.
Author's Response:
Yeah, chapter's sticking in my pocket I believe.
And there will be a change in the relationship, but I won't vouch for the volume. There are certain things I know of that must change between them, and it's anyone's best guess as to whether or not it sticks as those things.
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 4:33 AM Title: Claire
I agree with KazumaR1 and Nostory. As much as I'd like to read the alternate version, I have a feeling we'll get some of the darkness through Jenna, though hopefully not too much. How long have you been writing by the way? Your writing is so good.
Author's Response:
Well, I want to note that the chapters are mostly identical up to a point and Claire didn't get physically harder on Ashley in the other one. It got darker from a philosophy standpoint.
And not very long. Consequences is the first creative work I've done. I've spent more time thinking about writing than actually writing.
Date: March 22 2014 4:14 AM Title: Claire
Leave it as it is, I think that Jenna's chapter will make up for it, she seems raring to have a go at Ashley.
[Report This]Date: March 22 2014 3:24 AM Title: Claire
Oh Ashely how can you be so stupid? Well it was obvious from the start she didn't ask for consent and I'm surprised she made such serious lapse in judgement. Even though it will probably change the nature of her relationship with her sister and friendship with Claire and Jenna, she needed that illusion of equality shattered to see how helpless a beta could be to an uncaring alpha. Claire mentioning that time with her brother again actually makes me wonder about the fight that occurred after it. Also Ashley could talk to Corey about her issues of inferiority, if he also had them at one point.
I'm curious what Jenna will do now. Believe or not I actually liked Jenna since the chapter she was introduced, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this one. Besides why would Claire and Melody be friends with Jenna if she really went out of her way to hurt Ashely?
As for the alternate version of this chapter... I'm curious but not that curious. I'd rather have this version as the only one in my mind.
Author's Response:
One thing I also want people to consider is that Ashley potentially shattered that illusion for Jack. This is actually a concept the alternate chapter went really heavily into before I realized what a massive fucking downer it would be, among other things.
And yeah, I'm...thrown off by people constantly assuming the worst of Jenna just because her body gets off on a couple of less-than-stellar things, even after Kayla noted how self-aware and controlled she manages to be with it. And of course, Melody and Claire are part of this whole thing as well, and clearly still fine with Jenna two years after this.
And yeah, I'm leaning toward keeping it to myself and just using concepts from it later.
Date: March 21 2014 1:10 AM Title: Cold
@Flaming_Heart
Well I thought it was a good chapter. Good as in well written, but it WAS kinda depressing as fuck.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 9:59 PM Title: Melody
I agree, I wasn't the best chapter. I enjoyed reading your comments more than the chapter.
It's all good the next one will be great I can just tell. Everyone has those days.
Date: March 20 2014 12:55 PM Title: Cold
Sorry, that was a knee jerk reaction to when she called out Ashley trying to make a brake for it.
Author's Response:
I'd ultimately consider that move to be arguable as to who it really helped, because I briefly considered letting Ashley scurry under the couch. The way that thought ended was that Melody and Claire got up, and Melody proceeded to simply lift up her end of the couch above her head while Claire fetched Ashley and they continued on from there. I honestly felt that would have been even worse.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 9:36 AM Title: Melody
Where's your bravado now Jenna? (Actually good to see stuff like that before we ever see her torture a tiny. She's in danger of becoming unsympathetic otherwise.)
But wow, I guess grabbing for anything that floats will do for a drowning person, even the fin of a shark. Especially when the dolphin is the one violating you. (Okay analogy is getting a little weird now.) Still, I didn't realize how degrading this would be for Ashley until this chapter. Fuck Claire for helping Melody carry it out.
That said, I'm still really interested in how this all plays out for the girls.
Author's Response:
Hey now :(
Melody was going to continue regardless. It's something she resolved herself to do, for good or for ill. But she was about to start crying herself, and Claire was trying to comfort her through something that is tearing her up.
Also I'm sorry but I just watch the "Return to La Grunta" episode of King of the Hill before reading this, so that dolphin bit is hilarious to me.
Date: March 20 2014 6:56 AM Title: Melody
I think the change in perspective was nice too. After all, the story was never really first person to begin with, so I don't see a need to stick to Ashley. Also, focusing on Melody can give a much broader picture of the overall scene. There's only just so much you can write about being stuck under someone's foot in my opinion, and Ashley has a fairly limited view of her surroundings.
I'm guessing this story is going to be a couple chapters beyond the originally planned 4, as we have 2 more girls plus whatever the conclusion is to get through, and I think having each girl's session in it's own chapter breaks things up nicely. It doesn't really matter if they are short or not, it's still a good read.
I don't really get why most people are uptight about this whole punishment thing being uncalled for. 30 minutes is nothing compared to up to 2 hours for 52 weeks, and being kept in a tank for that whole time. As we sort of know the ending already, it will keep her out of future trouble, and they do anything particularly (physically) harmful to her. As for emotional, I'm of the opinion she won't hold it against the Omega girls forever, but that the lesson will stick with her for the rest of her life. It seems to be having a lasting effect and perhaps as much or more of an impact on Melody as it does Ashley as well.
Author's Response:
After having time to stew on it, I do think that the perspective shift ended up working out for the best. I think I'd have floundered some if I tried to keep going with Ashley, and likely would have hit some redundancies.
And yup, we're looking at roughly: Claire, Jenna, at least one epilogue chapter. It depends on if I want to go through with the little pick-me-up idea I've had which is more an issue of "Do I want to introduce what a Detonator can do in a little side story?" more than anything.
Date: March 20 2014 6:09 AM Title: Melody
No need to "fuck this chapter," I thought it was quite well done. It seemed like the purpose in the character perspectives was to get across Ashley's intense frustration and misunderstanding about what was happening, which worked well. The shift to Melody was nice, because it showed how conflicted she was in the whole thing. Both sides gave an emotional touch to the chapter, which I tend to count as just as (if not more) important as detailed imagery in any given story, which you had as well. If it made you uncomfortable to write, you can be damn sure it'll be uncomfortable for someone to read (because they can't control the variables of it at all), so that's always a good sign. Nice job here.
Author's Response:
Thank you for the kind words, it was just...god, this was unenjoyable to write for me, and it was solely because Ashley was squirming and yelling and was met only with complete silence. That made me more uncomfortable than anything else going on.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 5:59 AM Title: Melody
A harsh chapter indeed but I commend you for writing it even if it is uncomfortable for you.
Melody may hope that this punishment is making Ashely understand, but so far all it has done is brought that resentment Ashley felt toward the surface. I don’t see this session working in the way she wanted.
Author's Response:
There's a few things Ashley is getting that they do want her to understand for herself when it comes to her relation to the Betas. Claire is kind of on follow-up duty, as we'll see.
Date: March 20 2014 3:39 AM Title: Melody
Kind of in agreement with the chapter notes. Ugh necessary but very hard to read.
Also while I'm one of the few who believes Ashley legitimately did something wrong I think the girls would have been better served going over the report in detail first. So long as she thinks someone just overreacted this might be doing the opposite of its intention.
Author's Response:
Things are likely no being done ideally (or, as ideally as this could have been done) because Melody herself can't bring herself to talk to or even look at Ashley this chapter. So she can't explain to her the lesson she's hoping to impart. But expect that report to be a major thing next chapter, they aren't going to continue doing things without letting her know what the problem is.
[Report This]Date: March 20 2014 3:23 AM Title: Melody
There is a quote:
"The greatest evil is physical pain." [1]
I'm not sure I agree with that quote, but I can say that the ABSENCE of physical pain is what I love about this chapter. Otherwise, I'd probably be in tears and hate it.
Yes, the humiliation is difficult for both Ashley and Melody to bear. The feeling of betrayal that Ashley experiences...difficult. But I'm so, so glad she isn't in pain, at least not physically. We can debate all day long about whether emotional pain is worse -- in many cases it likely is -- but still.
Now perhaps the most important sentence was this one:
'pushing herself into the back of the recliner, her eyes shut tightly and her face impassive'
Because obviously Jenna is the worst of the three. So seeing her reaction gives me hope that she isn't truly sadistic. And remembering the conversation from the other story, about how Jenna is already expressing the full evolution of the fire...she won't become a sadist...I sincerely hope. She's the one that scares me. I just want there to be an ounce of compassion in her, and I think, maybe there is.
Phenomenal chapter sir.
[1] http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/s/saintaugus148547.html
Author's Response:
One thing I do hope that came across in this chapter is that despite their earlier frustrations, the girls basically melted the moment they actually started. They aren't enjoying this, and Jenna is sitting back there trying not to.
Of course, Ashley isn't going to read it like that at the moment.
Date: March 20 2014 2:23 AM Title: Melody
It could have been worse but then you might be saving it for another chapter, Claire and especially Jenna will be much worse than Melody. All I can say is that Melody will be lucky if Ashley even considers them part of the same family.
Author's Response:
We'll have to wait and see~
[Report This]Date: March 19 2014 11:24 PM Title: Cold
Man, I just made a profile, to say that this story is making my soul feel pain.
I love the story this one originates from, I always cheer when I see an update to it. And when I saw this one too, and saw what it would be about, I cheered too.
But the way you write...so capable of making us feel all those emotions, you get us immersed into the story, feel the tragedy.
Excellent writing mate. As I said, it hurts my soul and I can't enjoy it in the same way as other stories here, but it's unique, and you have me captivated. Keep up the good work!
Kingsun
Author's Response:
Thank you, I am glad my words bring pain :D
In all seriousness, though, thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you've been enjoying my works. I hope they can continue to keep you captivated.
Date: March 18 2014 4:38 PM Title: Explanation
@Ackbar, I actually love reading your response to Xkcd0088's review. I'm glad to hear that you don't neccisarily agree with the words or actions of your characters.
I don't know if i make this clear, but I really do love your stories, despite my constant complaining about your characters. I think its a mark of a good author that I can hate some of your characters as people without thinking its because you did a poor job writing them.
Anouther mark of a good author is being able to write convincing characters and ideologies without revealing your own opinions, which it seems you've done. Its good to know that when I'm ripping on your characters motivations I'm not insulting you personally :)
Anyway, I thought it was interesting how you decribed Maron as a concept rather than a person. Personally I would like to believe all people have redeeming qualities and reasons for acting evil, but from a literary perspective I see what your doing.
But if Maron represents the old Alpha culture, would it be safe to say Jenna represents the old Omega culture, while Claire seems to be feeling out a new future culture? I remember thinking when Jenna was first introduced that she made some good points in her speech to Naomi about forgivness and punishment. But I also felt that the Omegas methods were really designed with bigots like Marion in mind, not Naomi and Stephanie who have different problems. I feel like Claire has already started to realise this and may start changing her methods. And maybe thats why Jenna was so quick to turn on Ashley in this story? Maybe in her mind, in line with the old Omega culture, your either a good person whos nice to betas or your mean to betas and therefore evil, with no in between?
Author's Response:
I'd say that's certainly a fair way of looking at it. Claire is important moving forward for a few reasons, the least of which is giving Kayla a good look at how to handle the evolving Fire and the conclusions she may draw from her observations. That's an astute observation on those methods, one Claire herself has noted an issue with, and on Jenna. Subconsciously, Jenna herself may even believe that Omegas like her are outdated.
That said, I wouldn't assume that Jenna has "turned" on Ashley, but I'm going to leave it at that.