Date: July 12 2016 10:35 PM Title: Chapter 1
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Date: December 22 2008 8:11 PM Title: Chapter 1
Not bad! But, the main text--which, admittedly, was nicely paragraphed, itself--should have been further separated from the characters' dialogue.
Date: February 26 2007 4:01 PM Title: Chapter 1
finally got into the site and read your story. very imaginative and also very good . cant wait to read the next one Jimmy !
Date: November 26 2006 10:40 AM Title: Chapter 1
This story had a good beginning and was suspenseful. I was looking forward to Roxanne and Alicia abusin Mason in some way and was disappoited where it ended.
But you have very good potential for writing.
The only real criticism I have is about quotations. It is often hard to ell who is speaking. Writers usually make a paragraph out of each time a person speaks and use quotaion marks. I will make up an example for you:
John knew he had no business being in Patty's apartment, and so he froze when he found himself face to face with her and Christine.
"Just what are you doing in my apartment," raged Patty.
"I...I...just wanted to talk to you," stammered John, "Your door opened of it's own acccord when I knocked..."
"You are lying," interrupted Christine. "I saw Pat lock the door and check it."
You see how it is easy to tell who is speaking? But you did a good job otherwise, just have a little more action, if you know what I mean. ;)