Reviewer: SomeRRight Signed [Report This]
Date: May 01 2016 10:25 PM Title: Chapter 1

Just got around to reading your stuff. It doesn't have any of the tags I'm interested in, but I have to say that this is really fantastic, precise writing. I read the first three chapters of this one and it looks like it's going to be great. I'll give my thoughts when I'm on the other side in a couple days.

Reviewer: sketch Signed [Report This]
Date: June 18 2013 10:49 PM Title: Epilogue

Nice story, I love the two tier society premise.  You have the makings on great sci-fi here.  Chapter 14 wasn't much to my liking, but I can see why you put it in.  It just seems a bit over packed.  Story-wise, I think you only need parts A and E.  Plot-wise introducing Cowan's skill early on makes the resolution with Priyanka showing up believable. 

 

I do have a few questions about the end.  12 convictions?  I count 7 customers, Blythe, Zhue, the hostess, Chadwell and the Russian dude.  Seems like there would be more people involved.  It also seems weird that criminals are just integrated into the general warren population like it's Arkham City or something. 

 

Finally, did Marco and Priyanka not go anywhere?  I would love to see a sequel involving them.  Maybe something slice of life in style.  

Reviewer: gerald Signed [Report This]
Date: June 14 2013 4:49 AM Title: Epilogue

What can I say? Wonderful! But – as always – some things could be better.. but probably in Your future stories, since this one is completed. You can assume everything that I don't mention to be great, it's simply pointless to tell You what You did well (I hope You are aware of that already). I was writing this as I go went the story – and reviewed later to make sure I wasn't mistaken (some of the criticism may have been storywriting devices rather than actual problems, but I made sure to edit it accordingly).

Of course I assume that You know the physics of J-K are impossible. Not in a thousand years – the atoms simply don't work like that. But that's fine – it's just fantasy after all. Good to have a consistent background for the story.

It felt like You may have introduced a bit too many characters at the start – it was better later, but with each chapter at the beginning being rather short and it seemed a bit rushed – like I had no time to really get acquainted with one person and then there was a switch to another. Perhaps would it be better to defer some more discoveries until later? I don't know.. just a random thought.

The main problem for the plot was that it's too obvious (as of 5th chapter – but checked later that I was indeed completely correct). Some more twists and surprises would be nice – not just standard mini-person kidnapping, play, torture and murder. I guess it's fine - but I would love to see more complicated story :>

6ch – breast pocket ?!? Seriously? All those regulations and a breast pocket? I thought You were better than this.. breast pocket...

7 – “rodents”, not “mice” - much more powerful message (imao). Also the plant seemed _very_ unprofessional. Far too playful for their “relationship” at that time. That bastard should also be more officially reprimanded. Also, I believe it's Vassily (from my scamp knowledge of Russian) and there's no reason for any other spices to be involved in this... (Yes, I remembered).

Also – by this time it became obvious to me that such world would look much differently (in my opinion). I figured (after first 7) that You were leading the descriptions at the beginning to portray the jaked people as something less than a human, but even if they were considered poor and pathetic – I think they would still be far more common on the outside. With proper laws and regulations, of course – but a lot of people keep pets and such humans would make perfect teachers, wardens and so on... I'm sure a huge work market would have emerged. Priyanka would be more familiar with the sight of a small human even from TV and various tales. The people outside would still pay good money for the services inside – in the post-information world, small people are worth just as much as the regular ones. I understand this would break the story, but.. I hope that You are aware of this.

8 – I don't think she would feel comfortable doing that with a stranger inside her house. Jaked or not – seriously.

9 – I don't think GPS is this accurate indoors.. she could have simply seen some traces of his journey.

11 – and the same for other “delicacies” earlier: jaked people would have no problems affording them. In fact, if the physics allows them to eat and drink normal matter, they would only need 1/13824th of the full-sized amount making it a bargain. Seriously – 5k dollar wine bottle would have be enough for thousands or small people... by less than a dollar a piece? Their lives may actually be far more exquisite than many on the outside.

Also – personally I think You should have left it for the end of the story.. I felt more worried about the missing folks and couldn't find myself excited about their play at all. While I don't understand normal people, I'm still not sure if they would do that given that... they only knew each other for how long, two days? Porn and deviations aside – why do You assume the second thing (after meeting being the first) two work acquaintances will do is to indulge in sexual activities.. I'm seriously serious.

Even with potentially the last day of their work together – they could always meet up later. Temporary emigration was not forbidden after all... The final romantic evening before the bride dies only happens in movies and is more tedious than fun.

And why passing out? He would already have earlier if he was shocked or terrified by this ordeal. I don't think their quick trek wouldn't tire him that much.

Also – You could have named the chapters somehow.. the “14. Chapter 13” looks silly :>

14 – I don't know if this is Your best shot at “terrible atrocities” but far worse things happen in the real world to regular sized people and nobody gives a... Marco would have easily expected that and he wouldn't be struck or anything he saw there.

Personally, I think many jaked people would have volunteered for such acts, for a fair pay and a promise of safety, of course. This practice simply wouldn't be uncommon – and kidnapping would probably aim to satisfy more sadistic segment of the market.

When it comes to the final death.. people die. That's what they do – there's plenty of death everywhere. Even with some added humiliation and hopelessness it doesn't make it overly bad – a small war brings far more

15 – the overall conclusion seemed too easy, maybe not so much deus-ex-machina'ish, but still hardly satisfying. Realistically speaking he could just go in, record some footage and get out – but I know, where's the heroism in that? Such last-moment rescue was more exciting and spectacular, although seemed a bit shallow. Perhaps a more sophisticated plan and explanation would be better, but still very nice.

Additionally – we hardly got to know any of the “bad guys” and they seemed very simplistic. Almost “axiomatically evil” - with hardly any emotions about what they were doing. The Chadwell guy was fine – it was just business for him, but Blyte felt empty. Just my personal opinion after reading the final chapters.

Also – jaking seems hardly sufficient for the offenders, death sentence at least... or worse.


All in all – the most thought-through and realistic story I've read in years. Great attention to details and decent idea for a plot (which seemed a bit simple and obvious from the very beginning, but nice nonetheless). Hope You'll write something more and won't let succumb to cheap porn.

And please don't get me wrong – I certainly enjoyed the story massively, just wanted to point out the little problems I noticed along the way. Keep up the good work!

Thanks and regards,
Gerald