Date: June 02 2013 5:31 AM Title: The Danger
Seriously.. tests? It barely worked in the game, maybe if the puzzles weren't so ridiculously easy and it feels empty in a story - but at least You haven't named her Caroline.
When it comes the story itself - hard to say, as virtually nothing happened yet, we don't know the characters at all, they barely conversed with each other, no information on their motives, thoughts, ideas, feelings...
The previous (4th) chapter wasn't short, it was just a couple sentence note - the entire story is short, I for one would like an average chapter to should be longer than all of it so far.
It may get more interesting later, but haven't seen anything so far - and thus no rating.
[Report This]Date: May 31 2013 5:50 PM Title: Kidnapped
First off, great start on your story!! It's just a little short for a first chapter if you ask me, but it's good so far. You seem to have a good grasp on grammar and formatting (thank goodness!), and you have a great idea, too. I'm a huge Half-Life/Portal fan, so I'll be checking back to see how this goes. Keep up the good work, and just have fun with it :)
Author's Response:
Thanks! And yeah, writing short chapters is just a bad habit that I have