Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: April 23 2013 6:04 PM Title: Beginnings Chapter 1

It's a nice start, although things seem to be moving a little quickly and you keep darting between scenes, which is a shame because I actually kind of like this story.

I don't think I've ever said this before, but many of your paragraphs seem too short. Normally people have trouble with paragraphs being too long. Also here:

Rachel sat upright as she received instructions from the local authority’s.

The apostrophe is supposed represent either "is" like "it is" becomes "it's" or ownership like "Jimmy's" or if it's after all of the letters like " womens' " it represents multiple owners.

And here:

That meant only one thing to Hiltz a new ring to destroy.

After Hiltz perhaps add a "-" or a ";". Punctuation can really change the feel of a sentence and I wouldn't underestimate the power of commas either.

And here:

Run up beside her and her friend was the diminutive form a human.

you mean "form of a human".

And here:

She had heard rumours of there fierce warrior nature.

"There" means "over there" and "their" always refers to a living thing.

And here:

She saw him meat her gaze unblinking,

"meat" is food and you mean "meet" as in, "to meet a person".

Author's Response:

You're right thanks for constructive criticism. My gut told me it wasn't ready but that's not an excuse.

I'll take everything you have said to heart and rewrite it from scratch working in correct grammar, and better punctuation.

Thanks for the support I don't deserve it ^_^