Date: October 04 2015 2:12 PM Title: Inception of the fog
I am so confused. Rick was shrunk and Tess like him. Now Chris is normal sized and Tess hates him? Am I missing something? What's going on?
Date: October 04 2015 2:04 PM Title: Out of the dream right into the nightmare
Why is his twelve year old sister having sexual thoughts? Also, why is he randomly appearing in front of her? I thought Tess was suppose to be looking after him. When I first saw the chapter title I thought it was Tess who had turned evil but then I releaved that it was his sister and then, finally I was not so releaved because she's twelve and having these thoughts. Not sure if it's appropriate but it's your story.
Date: October 04 2015 1:59 PM Title: Girl area's part 2
Giantess World seems to have messed up the formatting for this chapter too. There's too much space between paragraphs. Other than that, I enjoyed this chapter. One thing is on my mind though.
If Tess was that quick to take a liking Chris, what has she done to other people? She must have had tons of sexual partners. Unless, of course, there is something special about Chris that attrachted her.
Also, surely other people should have heard her lust. Then again, I suppose they are all asleep. Wonder if Tess will stay with her dad. Her leaving him would be another interesting plot twist.
Date: October 04 2015 1:51 PM Title: Girl area's part 1
A cute chapter. Genetically speaking, being with cousins is bad (well close cousins anyway) but none of the Abrahamic religions seem to have a problem with it. Cousins are not included in the lists of prohibited relatives provided in the Bible or the Koran. Plus I now think Tess and Chris are cute together. He can continue to be king of the hill and she can be his great queen.
Date: October 04 2015 1:31 PM Title: IMPOSSIBLE
Here: “Locked and I am dieing right side your door dad.”
It's a nice story so far, but you need to proofread. Shocked Tess is his cousin. Was not expecting that. The explanation makes sense though. Also, there is a huge blank space at the end of this chapter that needs removing.
Date: October 04 2015 1:19 PM Title: The day dream
It's like I said before: Christ is mentally weak. Now he's going to allow Tess to dominate his existence. His sister is also annoying, but I don't blame her for being freaked out.
Here: miss's her already
You mean: misses
Date: October 04 2015 1:16 PM Title: Better than a dream come true.
At the start of this chapter, you tell us about Tess's mini skirt and face, but not about her top. I don't think you described how tall Chris is compared to Tess either. Also it's “blonde” if it's female not “blond”. Silly I know.
Also, remember to put the speech on separate lines. It'll make your story easier to follow that way. You've got the speech mixed up with the description.
I feel like this story might turn out to be similar to the story “Don't Talk to Danielle”. It probably has some key differences though. If I was Chris I would have no let Tess take control of me. Chris is weak both mentally and physically it seems but hopefully I'll turn out to be wrong. Both characters seem likable.
Here: “So your a wise guy aren't you.
It's: You're, as in you are instead here.
Here:“Your a breath taking beauty Tess.”
Again: You're
Here: he need's to
Random unnecessary apostrophe.
Same here: Chris get's up and says
Date: October 04 2015 12:56 PM Title: Intro
Yeah, it sucks to me Chris. For a "newbie" as your profile claims, you not doing too badly. The formatting is strange though. Other than that I didn't notice any major problems.
[Report This]Date: December 11 2013 1:45 AM Title: Intro
Nice update, hope to see more from this soon.
[Report This]Date: April 22 2013 2:07 PM Title: IMPOSSIBLE
Love the story so far. Really great build up. Cannot wait to see what is in store for him.
Author's Response:
It's been some time, I have been out of town with no internet for over a month. But I am working on adding to the story now that I am back. Also, Thanks for likeing how I built it up so far.