Reviewer: Dudemanguy Signed [Report This]
Date: January 31 2013 10:57 PM Title: Chapter 1

I will respond I guess. What we mean is, Separate what the character is saying from just background description and such. Like here's a nice example...

 

 

There standing before him was Cherish Seraphim. She was a fellow student, in most of his classes, and the "butt" of most of his jokes. She spoke up.

"Everyday you decided to pick on me."

He then replied, "When?"

 

 

See? It's easier to read and more spaced out, looking neater and more efficient. I would have put her long description too for more emphasis, but felt this made the point nice enough. Separate their words from the descriptions, except for things like 'he said' or 'She stated'. You can keep them with the dialogue. But you seem to know that.

Author's Response:

Ah ok. Thanks.

Reviewer: Dudemanguy Signed [Report This]
Date: January 29 2013 6:44 PM Title: Chapter 1

Hey, SLOW DOWN MAN. I'm not disliking the story, but it's kind of fast paced. Also, separate your dialogue from the other text. I was almost turned away when I saw the big block of text. That's probably your biggest problem. Just separate dialogue fro. Everything else. It will make your story much easier to read.