Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed [Report This]
Date: January 14 2014 1:54 PM Title: Epilogue

I have to agree, this is an excellent bit of backstory. Betty just got ten times better. Shrinking the scientists, and the mention of punishments (now I'm curious) did Betty wonders. It was clear that she's a schemer, but this establishes her as a proper villain. You mentioned that there are no windows, is there no door as well?

I just checked the Top Tens, and at 250 000 words it will be the fifth longest ever posted. That makes me very happy. I also like the note on your writing style. It sounds pretty good to me. You make a good point about not being the same person anymore. With that in mind, I think you're right in that it would be best not to mess around with it too much. It sounds to me like Season Two is going to be excellent.

Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed [Report This]
Date: January 13 2014 1:08 PM Title: Competition's End

I actually didn't think they'd go home so easily. But they did, and their goodbye felt really good. This time, I think you did much better in describing their last night. While you didn't mention every detail, you gave us seeds that our imaginations could grow. When you said 'dollhouse', I saw Sherri doing what Betty did earlier, and when you said 'sauna' and 'hot tub', I saw Sherri doing what Betty and Annie did in that scene.

I have some advice for Season Two. Go back, and touch it up a bit. If you haven't seen it in a long time, then you could easily look at it with fresh ideas and improve it in ways you didn't think of the first time around.

An editor/coauthor (depending on the amount of work done by the other people) could point out typos and make suggestions, and consider contacting another author about providing that (I'd be happy to).

You did well this time, so if it's a lot better as you claim then it's going to be fantastic. Take these even farther next time around:

1) Make sure Betty is a master manipulator and schemer. Think carefully about the information you give us, and either give us what we need to figure it would or what we need to be mislead and suprised.

2) Lots of variety in challenges and sex scenes, and don't make them too simple.

3) Give lots of thought to realistic and complex relationships and interaction.

I eagerly await the future of your series.

Author's Response:

Thanks for your thoughtful and intellegent feedback. I think I will look over Season Two with a spell/grammar check to smoothe over some of the more egregious typos. I consider myself a pretty mechanically sound writer but my spelling and grammar are rough around the edges sometimes, especially in my older works.

I'm pretty happy with Season One given that it was something I never really intended to publish or even show to anyone but closest friends at the time. If I wanted to get serious about it I could go back and rewrite the story and especially put some meat on the bones of the early chapters. However, my mind has moved on to other things by now. Plus, I'm not quite the same person I was 8 years ago and I'd find it hard to recapture the same feeling I had in the story. I think the story will have to stand as it is, flawed though it may be.

A lot of the things you criticised about Season One are improved upon in Season Two, particularly getting into depth with the characters and how they feel about each other and their situation. I tried to make everyone react to things in a way that was consistant with their characters. The sex scenes become more detailed as well, and there is a lot of variation between them. Most of the competitions are different than in Season One, and the ones that were carried over were altered in some ways. Generally, the biggest strength Season Two has over Season One is it's level of detail. Season Two is more than three times the length of Season One dispite it taking place over exactly the same amount of time.

Reviewer: AdamX Signed [Report This]
Date: January 11 2014 10:45 PM Title: Competition's End

Bravo!

I expected a bit of a swerve ending but Betty kept things on the up and up...well the down and down as-well to be fair.

 

Looking forward to the epilouge.

Author's Response:

I'll probably be uploading the Epilouge later on tonight!

Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed [Report This]
Date: January 10 2014 7:06 AM Title: Day 9, Part 2

This was a good, fun chapter. I like the length, and enjoy these long chapters much more than shorter chapters. It gives me time to really get into it, to convey a lot of plot and character's thoughts, and gives me much more enjoyment each time the story is updated.

At first, I figured Sandra was a shoo-in for winner. She was taking the challenge much more seriously than the other two. Whether she actually leaves or starts a threesome with Betty and Annie, I'm happy. If you do, make sure we get a scene between her and Bill, where they both react to his escape attempt. After Sherri hunted the mouse, though, it became a toss-up between Sandra and Sherri, and if she won, that could be pretty good too.

Also write about how the other men feel about their situation. We got Bill's feelings about his new situation this chapter, but Tom's thoughts haven't been mentioned in a few chapters, and - most important - Dave hasn't had a thought since he first met Annie. What does he think of their new relationship? Let's get a good description of that in the next chapter.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you liked the chapter! I do agree I was a little bit skimpy on describing how everyone felt. It's one of the ways Season One is very inferior to Season Two.

Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed [Report This]
Date: January 09 2014 7:37 AM Title: Day 1

Also, I noticed that you haven't replied to reviews in a while. Review threads are better as a conversation.

Author's Response:

You are correct. I've been bad about that in the past, but I've made it a bit of a resolution to respond to every review I get from now on.

Reviewer: AdamX Signed [Report This]
Date: January 08 2014 6:36 PM Title: Day 9, Part 1

Great stuff, Not sure who I'm rooting for.

Author's Response:

Thanks! I can tell you it was hard to pick a winner, and I was well over halfway into writing before I even decided who was going to win!

Reviewer: Ancient Relic Signed [Report This]
Date: January 08 2014 3:58 PM Title: Day 9, Part 1

"But Annie turned it into her personal palace as she put Dave through every kind of thing she could imagine putting a four inch tall person through" Show, don't tell, thoroughly and with detail, makes every story better. This seems a bit anti-climatic after the end of the last chapter.

"Who are you rooting for?" That depends on what really happens to the winner.

I also noticed some typos in there. Closer proofreading, or an editor, would help here.

Author's Response:

I agree with you, I should have gone into more detail and I probably should have edited this story a little more carefully. Thankfully my writing ability has improved since 2006 and I don't have a lot of these problems anymore!

Reviewer: timescribe Signed [Report This]
Date: January 07 2014 8:05 PM Title: Day 7 - Part 1

Let's all play "Squeal or no squeal."

Author's Response:

lol!

Reviewer: timescribe Signed [Report This]
Date: January 07 2014 8:02 PM Title: Day 5

And the relationship dynamic gets more complex

Author's Response:

Indeed. It would be a reality show without a little relationship drama!

Reviewer: timescribe Signed [Report This]
Date: January 07 2014 8:00 PM Title: Day 2

Seems like that Aussie show "The Biggest Loser"

Author's Response:

Except what they're loosing here is their size!