[Report This]Date: November 30 2012 6:10 AM Title: Chapter 1
Heyas, liking the story :)
Just a few things i wanna point out. Firstly make sure you proof read your stories carefully to make sure certain sentences and paragraphs run smoothly and dont miss words out, a simple issue but it makes a difference to the over-all quality. I know this is a short story, but a little extra description would have made it more involving to the reader who doesn't know who your characters are (like i didn't know wether Maki was supposed to be a furry, or a girl with cat ears etc). Lastly just be a little careful of the way you describe certain things, like "fiery emerald eyes" and where she "slid to the ground"... emerald isn't really something you would describe as fiery, it would be more for red colours or the attitude behind the eyes, and where she 'slides' to the ground, it would have been better to say 'lowered' or 'sank' because 'slid' implies she was leaning against something when she wasn't.
For the positive aspects though i liked the nature of the girl you put across, sweet and cruel, and her fun was definately interesting to see. The casualness of the killings and the imagination behind them were really good, i loved the idea of her crushing half of the guy into her toes, and scraping the girl across the edge of the pavement, both were deliciously fun hehe :P
Over-all good story ^_^
Author's Response:
I will not even lie when I say I still consider myself an amatuer where it comes down to grammar and word choice. :D I do thank you for your advice ;-; heck you're one of the few between here, FA and DA who seems to give me more than "nice story" or "I came". I...have a lot more depending on your interests.
Also added you on YIM