Date: May 09 2012 7:03 PM Title: All for Her Pleasure
I like the story so far but I would like to see where you go from here. Personally, I would love to see her dominate him more. Using him as a tiny human loofa.
Date: August 26 2011 2:39 PM Title: All for Her Pleasure
awesome tale. cant wait to read more.
aaron
ps hope the next part is about her feet
Date: August 24 2011 4:39 PM Title: The End of My Old Life
Good start. I'd like to see some breast stuff, since you asked, but if that's not your thing you can take the story anywhere you like.
Date: August 23 2011 12:07 AM Title: The End of My Old Life
What she was doing, was that a reference to "Sexual Magic"? The casting of spells when one reaches their climax during intercourse when a person's emotions are supposed to be at their highest?
I find your wording very blunt, but to each his own I suppose
Author's Response:
As I stated this is my first story ever....so I'm just kinda learning as I go. I don't really know about the sexual magic thing, what I ended up using was just a random scenario in my head, but that is a really cool concept. I'm constantly editing my chapters as I find better ways to describe things and make everything flow smoother, its just a learning process for me.
Date: August 21 2011 9:37 PM Title: The End of My Old Life
This is a pretty decent start with some real potential, and I totally encourage you to continue. It's nice to see some writing in the first person (not as easy as some think). For constructive criticism, I would encourage you to take more time in developing the setting and characters. Instead of stating "My girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous", try using a scene to describe how she's gorgeous, without necessarily stating it.
Don't be afraid to use extra details, describing the scenes as you go. What does Jeff see, taste, hear, smell, feel as all this is happening? What emotions are running through his head from all this? Readers love this sort of stuff, and I have a feeling you'll be able to deliver.
Author's Response:
Sweet, Thank you. I will definitely start using more detail for my next chapters.
Date: August 19 2011 11:27 PM Title: The End of My Old Life
Good start. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who writes in 1st person here. I'll continue to follow and see how your story develops.
Author's Response:
Thanks!