Date: September 16 2012 10:36 AM Title: Chapter 1
I personally think that it would have been cooler if we didn't know Mike's name until he introduced himself to another character, i.e. Crystal or Mira. The chapter is rather long but I got there in the end, and noticed a few things.
Here:
He assumed there had been a terrible accident, unaware of the true magnitude of this "accident".
The setence feels unfinished. ...of this "accident" he countinued along the sidewalk.
OR
He assumed there had been a terrible accident though he was unaware of the true magnitude of this "accident".
Here:
"Ugh" Mike groaned, the trash can rolling away from him.
Rather than "the trash can", "Mike groaned, as the trash can rolled away from him. It sounds better.
Here:
Crystals expression turned bitter
Should be Crytstal's because it's here emotion.
Date: June 10 2011 12:52 PM Title: Chapter 2
The queen was so hot! I loved her so much.
Date: June 10 2011 12:49 PM Title: Chapter 1
Love this story please keep it going.
Date: November 12 2010 10:58 PM Title: Chapter 3
Nice story! Although, I was sort of hoping Lina would grow back.
Author's Response: I am toying with that idea in the prologue that I have yet to write.
[Report This]Date: November 12 2010 9:26 PM Title: Chapter 1
read the first two chapters. this is put together very well. an flows nicely, but im just not a vore fan so i probably wont finish this tale. but i liked how lina redeemed herself(in mikes eyes at least) an the gentle scenes are a sort of change of pace for this type of gts story(that being the armageddon scenario).
aaron(cayce-fan)