Date: July 29 2014 7:26 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the iPhone of DOOM
@VGIV -
contructive critiscm here is neccasary, and is a valuable tool to help writers advance in their craft. Anger and pretensiousness should be left off to the side when offering any kind of creative advice or critique. Yes I am reviewing your review, because it is completely out of control. It is almost like you are throwing a tantrum, and while you might make valid points, the delivery is atrocious, and your point will be complete lost, undoubtely due to the resentmen this author might feel for you personally after reading it.
If you feel past reviews or advice to this author have not been heeded, then you need to take a step back and just go read something else, or review other authors. Punching a fist through your wall is not going to make him a better writer, and you might hurt your hand.
In giving effective constructive critism, one must choose their language carefully. The goal of leaving advice to another author should always be their improvement, first and foremost. If that is not your intention, you should not be leaving advice. Words like - awful, terrible. and phrases like - Just stop. create a sense of negativity that will only cause your advice to fall on deaf ears. We need better writers in this fantasy, and sometimes that calls for a scalpel instead of a hammer.
[Report This]Date: July 29 2014 4:04 AM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the iPhone of DOOM
I don't need to say anything I agree with the review below on these story's. You just need to plan out your story's more, there is no rush to fart out story's evey day take your time on them. I started writing a story for this site and spent weeks just making sure the plot and scenes and spelling are worth reading. Not just like a movie script. I was lenient on my other revews to you because I was thinking it would help but there exactly the same problems still.
- Frankie
[Report This]Date: July 18 2014 8:31 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the Trip Through Time
I love vore stuff it's pretty much only thing I read on this site, which is what drew me I'm to this story. I will admit it's kinda f hard to read because of how it's set out but it does sort of get easyer as it gets towards the end. It may be predictable but tbh most story's like this kinda are but that doesn't matter to much. There was a few minor spelling mistakes through out but other then that I kinda liked the not so serious side of it.
I defiantly would recommend writing these story's on a computer or somthing instead of a phone tho though so you can write more detail and improve layouts and things
Frankie :)
Author's Response:
I know it's hard to understand, but I think of my ideas as if I was making a movie mainly because I am not much of a reader I just watch TV that's why it's a little hard to understand. Also I'm a vore fan as well. You'll know my favorite GTS categories if you read my bio.
Thanks for your review.😁
Date: July 18 2014 9:10 AM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the Trip Through Time
Ok, I'm going to try and give an honest review here. First of all, please, keep your summary short. The first paragraph about the story is enough, we don't need to know about categories because we'll find out about while we read the story, and we certainly don't need to know about size examples, keep it for the story notes, don't spam the front page of the site like this.
And why do you have to post every chapter as a new story? Why not just keep it under one story so that it's easier to keep track? You should just update a single story called the Adventures of PA McFalls and that's it.
Now, onto your writing. Let's take the opening paragraph as an example:
--
“Ow,” I said. “Dylan are you okay?” Belle asked. “I'm fine my leg just hurts,” I answered. “I think you injured it when Amanda hit you and you landed into the wall,” Dillon said. “Yeah I think it's broken,” Emma said. “Yeah it's not broken it's just injured,” Andy said. “Well we got to get ready for the big day tomorrow,” Belle said excitedly. “What's tomorrow?” I asked. “It's my birthday duh,” Belle answered. “Oh that's right I uh… totally knew that,” I said nervously. “Did you forget?” Belle asked. “What? No,” I said in a high pitch tone. “Okay I know one thing and that's you being a terrible liar,” Belle said. “Okay fine I forgot,” I said. “How old will you be?” Dillon asked. “I'll be 18 years old,” Belle answered.
--
First of all, the center alignment is not a good idea. Keep it aligned to the left like everyone else does. It serves a basic purpose which is to make it easier for the reader to read. Having it aligned to the center is difficult for the reader beause lines have different lengths, but when aligned to the left, all have the same starting point.
Secondly, I didn't read a single word about where they are. You didn't describe the scenery at all, I only see dialogue but I'm not sure what to do with it. It's like I'm reading a bunch of people having a conversations in the middle of a pitch black room. I simply can't imagine the scene without you describing it a little.
Thirdly, space dialogue between the characters. After each line of dialogue, you tell us who said what, in what way and stuff like that. It certainly keeps it clear about who is saying what, but it's too robotic, monotonous. Instead, you should reserve a line for one character only and switch between charactes using paragraphs, no matter how short they are.
And lastly, you need to give the story a bit more flair, more stuff that keeps it interesting. As I've said, describe the scenery more, describe about how everyone feels, or at least how the first-person charater does. Tell us about their emotions, how their faces look, what they are thinking and stuff like that. Let me just try and write the first paragraph my way and you'll see what I mean:
--
"Ow!" Pain shot up through my leg.
"Dylan?" Belle said. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine, it's just my leg. It hurts a little."
"Just a little?" Dillon said as he leaned over to take a closer look. "Amanda's blow certainly seemed powerful. She smashed you on the wall! It should have been enough to break it."
"Yeah, " Emma said in agreement, "I think it's broken."
"No." Andy stepped in. "It's not broken, just strained. You're going to be fine."
"Hopefully!" Belle said, visibly releived. "We have to get ready for the big day tomorrow after all!"
"What's tomorrow?" I said.
"Uh, my birthday?" Belle looked a bit disappointed.
"Oh, that." I flushed, how could I forget? "Yeah, I knew that."
"You forgot."
"What? No!"
"Okay." Belle crossed her arms. "You really are a terrible liar." She smiled at my obvious nervousness.
"How old will you be?" Dillon asked.
Belle turned her head. "Eighteen."
---
Suddenly, there's a better flow. It's more readable and grabs your attention. Remember, you're writing a story here, not a movie script. There's much more to a story than just dialogue.
Hopefully I was able to give some constructive criticism here. If you do the things that I've said, I'm pretty sure that you'll get more reads and more reviews in the future. I'll certainly wait and see when you post the next chapter and give you feedback about whether you've improved or not.
[Report This]Date: July 16 2014 10:14 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
It's a good story idea but I really do think you need to put a bit more thought In to the details of it. I understand you wrote it on your phone which is pretty impressive knowing how hard it can be to type anything longer then a few sentences lol. Just think you need to try set the scene more explane the characters a bit more ect.
I also saw loads of Spelling mistakes there nothing drastic so it's not to bad but I would recommend proof reading it just to make sure before posting :). But other then that it was a pretty fun story.
-frankie x
Date: July 16 2014 12:38 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
Don't take the bad reviews too much to heart. Good for you for writing, enjoy getting something out there in the world.
Date: July 15 2014 3:45 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
*FYI: I changed all the weird spells into a little less weird chants.
*Reminder: Lay off of the hatred either write something nice or don't write anything at all. Also I only got one nice review from sickpuppies in The Adventures of PA McFalls ‘The New Indiana Jones’ I: PA's First Adventure and one nice review from Samius in Planet Tiny I: The Origin, so that makes two nice reviews total. So please write something nice.
Thank you.
[Report This]Date: July 08 2014 9:49 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
I’ve been seeing this on the Most Recent page a lot these days, (its hard to miss with a title that long) but from the description, it didn’t seem like something I would like. Then I looked at the comments, and all the pure hatred that is raining down on this story, and decided to give it a try.
For some reason, and even I’m not sure why, I love this writing. Its wonky, the wording could use some work, you barely describe anything in detail, I still have no idea who any of the characters are, and most of the time I have no idea what happening, but damn is it a fun read. Most of the time I have an idea of what is going on, and the story so far, all be it completely insane and unrealistic, is pretty enthralling.
One of the biggest up sides to the story is that it is funny. Like, really funny. I don’t realy know if that’s intentional or not, and I’m not trying to be mean when I say it, but its how I feel. For example, “She almost stepped on me, but luckily instead she stepped right over me. “Huh I guess that's why they call them your step mother,” So lame its awesome! And the name, Amanda McEvil. That is just pure gold.
Just one more thing, then I will shut up. If you could get away from the The Lego Movie rip offs, that would just be super. For me, when you take an entire scene straight from the film, it just takes you out of the story.
Author's Response:
Wow you are the first one that had given me a good review, but the reason it's so short is because I write my stories on my phone like I say in the Story Notes and I only have a short time to write them because I sometimes update a story once in the morning and another or the same one in the afternoon. Although all my stories will be Action/Adventure stories, but thanks.
[Report This]Date: June 30 2014 8:55 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
Ferrari California T Maranello unleashes their newest masterpiece, a brand name new drop-top, the California T. tag heuer watch bands replacement replicatag heuer watch bands replacement replica The convertible will be powered by a turbocharged 3 .9L V8 that pushes out 560 hp and 557 lb-ft of torque. Everything Italian muscle mass will get you from 0-62 in 3.6 seconds and may hit a leading speed of 196 mph. Other features include a retractable hard-top roof that folds down in fourteen seconds tag heuer microtimer replica tag heuer microtimer replica , Ferrari's most current F1-Trac traction management method, and improvements to the carbon-ceramic braking procedure with new composite discs and pads. >Posted on Feb 12, 2014
Okay, but it's not that kind of ferrari. The Ferrari I'm talking about is a real person most characters I have in my story are real people, For example Dylan McFalls/PA McFalls is me and Emma is my sister we are biological and Ferrari is her best friend. Mainly the only ones I make up is villians except on the stories that come after Planet Tiny I: The Origin in that story I made up Bet, Jet, Lord Osiris, Lady Universe, William Big Sr, and William Big Jr. In this story so far I made up Amanda McEvil. Mainly the good guys or hero are real unless the story is based on a movie like my story Planet Tiny III: Wake Me Up (Guest Starring Characters from ‘The Lego Movie’). Anyway my point is Ferrari and most of the other characters in my story are real.
Author's Response:
Date: June 30 2014 1:26 PM Title: The Adventures of PA McFalls and the First Adventure
Are you trolling with this story?
Author's Response:
No. I used to make stories as a boy and they all had things to do with a giantess and that's why I joined http://www.giantessworld.net. Anyway the point is they were mainly ideas like this.