[Report This]Date: August 09 2010 3:00 PM Title: Field Trip
Good story! Exposition is short, but really, it's pretty refreshing to have a self-contained Chapter 1 for a change. Only thing I would say is that there is little sense of scale from the shrunken teacher - and the "panicked ants" imagery works except that there is no one really seeing them as ants. The strength of unaware stories is the contrast of perceptions - we get that she is powerful, but it is conveyed by the repetitive act of her crushing the students with no real differentiation between the seperate acts (the teacher was a good one). You don't want to get into a "and then she crushed him. And then she crushed him."
I like your style, though! You write well, and I really like the sense of despair you evoke in the protagonist.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! It is a little short but it was done in an hour so I didn't have much time to make tha part bigger. But I will take your criticism into mind when or if I write another unaware story, thanks a lot!