Reviewer: Gadget91 Signed [Report This]
Date: December 11 2014 12:40 PM Title: End of Document

I just finished reading this novel of a story today. It took me three days to read everything here plus the missing chapters over at DA. This story was posted back in 2011 and it amazes me that I didn’t see it before (I’ve been a part of this community since the late 90s when I was in my teens).

It further perplexes me that no one has reviewed this story or dropped you a comment. This seems really fucked up to me because this is a good story and a huge contribution to the community. Not to mention how fat and imaginative it is. Well, I read the story in its entirety and I’m going to let you know what I think.

I started reading the story after reading TRoM – Final Edition because I could not get enough out of that story. I love Melanie because she’s the perfect giantess in my opinion. I loved her bubbly attitude with David and her ruthlessness with her victims.

 

The Good:

Kendra was just as great. She easily fell into the role of a voracious giantess, similar to Melanie, thanks to David’s light manipulation. I’d say she fell into the role too quick, but I loved the scene of her first willing victim. I thought it was wonderful. Kendra did seem a lot like Melanie – to be honest, the first part of the story was just like TRoM – she did have her own personality in regards to her playfulness with her magical abilities. I’m recalling the moments when she was shrinking the cars and stuff. Another thing I forgot to mention when I read TRoM, is how these girls eat people, digest them, and then completely forget about them. I think that just makes these naïve girls even more terrifying. We see them questioning their behavior, yet they continue to eat people, digest them, and forget about them. I loved that.

Oh, and I can’t forget about Macy. Her introduction to vore seemed believable considering she watched her best friend do it first. I loved that part of the story where David was sitting between both girls as they devoured their victims. Macy’s trip to the fantasy world was also fun because we get to see her as a rampaging giantess – only to find out later that she was tricked into destroying the good guys (spoiler warning, lol). Towards the end of the story, I was enjoying Macy more than Kendra because of how many lives she took underfoot.

The first part of the story was my favorite. Kendra exploring her powers, shrinking people, eating people, and playing with them was fun. Introducing Macy to vore and the fun of shrinking people was also great. The only thing that would have made it better, is if Kendra shrunk Macy for fun. Not to eat her, but to have fun with her and to tease her. So yea, I liked those parts of the story.

 

The Bad:

David. I started disliking David a lot as the story progressed. In all honesty, I don’t understand why Kendra didn’t rid of him earlier. I didn’t feel or see a connection between the two. After the third time of him asking “what are you going to do today?” I was hoping Kendra would just throw him out the window. He was a shallow character, with shallow dialog, and generally unimportant to the story. Don’t get me wrong, I love the tiny accomplice scenario, but David didn’t really do anything but watch Kendra eat people. I’m just saying, if I were in his position, I would do more than just ask Kendra what she was going to do next. His dialog with Kendra almost sounded like a bad RP session.

The last part of the story – the one in fantasy land – though it was good storytelling, it didn’t feel like it belonged to the same story. I felt like I was reading TRoK and then it jumped to another story without me realizing. Please don’t take my comments as an attack. They’re nothing but. I’m just saying that the second part of the story felt out of place. Good storytelling and wonderful imagination though.

 

The Ugly:

I love how long this story was. I loved picturing Kendra and Macy in my head as they played with the shrunken people. I loved how they ate people and immediately forgot about them later. But the dialog was killing me. Something I’ve been working on myself, is trying to include conflict into my characters all the time. Even simple disagreements like arguing on what the time is, goes a long way. I say this, because in this story, all the characters agree with each other and go along their merry way. It’s boring to read two characters agreeing all the time with contrite sentences. Making them argue, disagree, get jealous, get mad – even if the disagreements are short-lived or last the whole novel. The only time I saw was a disagreement was the tiny ‘tiff between Macy and Tom – and that disagreement only existed because Tom was to be written off. (I did like how Macy ate him along with her sandwich though). Anyway, make your characters more human by instilling human emotions. Even nice people get pissed off from time to time.

 

Closing:

Oh wow, I didn’t mean to write so much! I love this story. Don’t take my criticism to heart. If I didn’t like this story, I wouldn’t have read the whole thing and typed up a thousand word review. The Realm of _____ stories are my favorite thing right now, even though they’re not super violent. (I like stupid violence and graphic shit.) I want to encourage you to write more and perfect your writing craft. Judging by past reviews and other comments people have made, it seems that you’ve come along way with your writing. Over 7 years of writing and perfecting one story? That’s some dedication!

I wish I could shake your hand and pat you on the back. It’s been an amazing ride reading all these stories and making Kendra, Macy, and Melanie come alive in my head. Now I’m sad that I don’t have anything else to read.

Oh, and fuck David, lol.

Author's Response:

Wow, I am speechless. Really. Where do I begin?

First I would like to sincerely thank you for your willingness to write such a well thought out review after reading my stories in their rather incomplete state. I will take your words and improve upon my work starting pretty much immediately. After all, I am still rewriting The Realm of Melanie from the ground up, almost, and adding loads of new things, so expect more chapters from there soon. As far as The Relm of Kendra, I haven't touched it in a few years, and as soon as I inish TRoM I will begin work on TRoK in the same regard. I will take everything I have learned over the years and build a newer, better story.

Dialogue: You are 100% correct. That is something I struggled with massively, and my editor did his best to try to help me along the way. I however just suck at it. But I myself have become rather learned, educated, what ever, more experienced, you catch my drift I hope; and I will be improving on it a thousand fold. The bad is a necessary section, I agree completely. I started disliking my own character myself, and he is scheduled for a massive overhaul. I have after all changed some fundamental aspects of him in TRoM from 3rd Edition to 5th Edition, and plan on adding even more as time goes on. Getting into TRoK I have even more adjustments I plan on making. The ugly, again, thank you for your words. I need critiscm, what people don't like, what they do, etc. Folks are much more prone to tell what they like, than what they don't, and I appreciate what you've written. It will help me I promise you that. I plan on rewriting all the dialogue, and seasoned readers might catch a few similarities, but it's going to be completely different.

The Fantasy Bit: I was at a loss for what to do there, and I might edit it pretty heavily to drive the story towards it more. I've so far taken out that aspect of TRoM and I am trying to decide how to best add it back into the main story line. To be absolutely honest TRoM had no plot line, it was just day by day, fun stuff every day, followed by a trippy ending and a psuedo cliff hanger. TRoK had a story line, kind of, some progression I thought, and was going to build up to a final plot point. Which I guess I executed quite poorly because of how I let my characters develope by themselves. I will definitely give it my best shot to take back the reigns and reel in their free wheeling character sheets, and fix the progression of mys story.

All in all, this is not the end, really. I am still editing TRoM, and I will start editing TRoK when TRoM is finished. And I have a third story I have been working on slowly over the past few months that will follow chronologically after TRoK. It will, I hope, tie into the first two, and bring about a fun and exciting conclusion to my non-story. TRoM is currently at 130k words in my word document, and I am only 2/5th if the way done editing. TRoK is almost 120k and I expect it to grow tremendously (because TRoK is on Revision 1 right now, and TRoM, at Revision 1, was at 96k, and now it's at 130k at Revision 5. Can you believe that?). And my third novel I plan on making of equal length, but it will be down the line.

Again, thank you so much for reviewing my work. I have had my account for a long time as well, and I stupidly deleted the First Edition coppies of both of my novels from this site. I sincerely wish I hadn't done that, but in our youth we make mistakes. Now that I have grown up a bit, I am working on making these as best as I can so that I cn move onto bigger and better things. I haven't contributed much to our community, just these stories; and I am always greatful to hear that someone has enjoyed them so much.

Thank you.
--HK

Reviewer: Stubbornstain Signed [Report This]
Date: June 05 2011 2:52 PM Title: Part I

Hi there Hailie,

I'm surprised this has no reviews yet. It's pretty decent so far and I'm probably going to read more of it soon, although there a few mistakes I found and I hope you don't mind me pointing them out. I also saw the caculations on your profile and I have to say your story makes for a refreshing change from all that extremely poorly written X and R rated stuff. In fact, stories that are PG and G rated, I find tend to be better written, although there some exceptions but I won't name any. I'm very impressed with your math though and surprised you found the time to work all that out but I'm sure it wasn't that hard.

The first error is more structural than spelling or grammer (your spelling seems very good) is obviously that the lines are indented for some reason and this makes it awkward to read as I'm not used it to.

Secondly, you keep switched tenses. "had" and words ending in "ed" are associated with the past tense but then not all words that need to end in "ed". You need to decide if you want present or past tense. In past tense, most verbs and adverbs (doing words; words to do with actions) need to end in "ed".

What I reccomend doing is getting a program called Speakonia. It's free to download and will read aloud what you tell it doing, either by highlighting or copy and pasting. I find it very useful when I'm proofreading and I think you could benefit greatly too. This way you chane anything that doesn't sound right as it is read out and you can always pause it at any time.

 

Author's Response:

Hey! Thanks for taking the time to write a review! This is actually a repost of a story that I took down a few years ago. I dunno if you were around then but I originally wrote 'The Realm of Kendra' about 3 years ago and took it off the site about a year after I finished it. Now I've been working on reviving the works and I've reuploaded the story to the website. Of course I haven't uploaded the entire thing because I'm working on it, but I find your criticism very constructive!

This version of the story is actually Draft 2 out of 5. 5 being publishable quality while 1 being completely rough draft. The reason it's Draft 2 is because my editor read through it before I released it. I currently have up to Draft 4 on my hard drive and I'm still working on it (I've been working on it for the whole of 3 years or so), although TRoK has taken a back seat to my other story 'The Realm of Melanie', as that one is almost finished.

Once I finish with the final draft there will be more information available on the web about where it is, etc. If you haven't been there already, do check out my first story (as The Realm of Melanie was the first in the series, and The Realm of Kendra is the second in the series).
--TFK